George Hazlett’s wife made him a necktie a few years ago that he rarely wore. In fact, George had forgotten about it until one day a local men's store in Salem, Ohio, announced an “ugly tie” contest. George secretly pulled the tie from its resting place and entered it. He never gave it another thought until he saw it hanging in the store window accompanied by a blue ribbon. Uh Oh! His wife's loving creation was now on public display as “the ugly tie of the day!”
George said, “Although I could see the tie hanging there in the window, I could feel it around my neck – real tight!” (George A. Hazlett, Salem, OH, “Lite Fare,” Christian Reader; www.PreachingToday.com)
Why is it that marriage sometimes seems like a noose around your neck? God didn’t design it that way, but there are times when we who are married find ourselves at odds with our mates. Some feel trapped in a relationship that has become stale and stagnant at best and at worst is spiraling out of control into an ever escalating war.
Even the best marriages go through rough spots, but that’s where the grace of God comes in. God’s grace can powerfully transform our marriages. In fact, God’s grace can powerfully transform any relationship even if we have made some stupid mistakes in those relationships.
Do you want to see that happen in your marriage or in your relationships (if you’re not married)? Then open your Bibles, if you will, and turn with me to 1 Peter 3, 1 Peter 3, where God’s Word shows us how God’s grace can work in all of our marriages or relationships.
1 Peter 3:1-2 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (NIV)
Now, these verses continue the thought began in 1 Peter 2:12 where it says, “Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.” Our lives are a witness to those who don’t know Jesus yet, first of all in the communities where we live (1 Peter 2:13-17), then in the workplaces where we work (1 Peter 2:18-25), and now here even in the home (1 Peter 3:1-7).
These verses begin by addressing women who are married to unbelieving husbands, literally to those who refuse to be persuaded by the word (i.e., the Word of God). Let me tell you: these men are not going to listen to anybody, leastwise their wives, when it comes to spiritual matters.
Now, for a godly woman living in such a situation, life can get pretty difficult, but God assures her that she can win her husband over to the faith without a word simply by her behavior. All she has to do is “be submissive” in that relationship.
Now, before you ladies start throwing tomatoes, I want you to know that God is going to say the same thing to husbands in verse 7. In the original text, verse 7 literally reads, “Husbands, live with your wives IN THE SAME WAY” – that is, in the same way your wives are supposed to live with you!
Whenever the Bible talks about the husband/wife relationship, it is always in the context of mutual submission – the wife to the husband and the husband to the wife. When the Apostle Paul, in Ephesians 5, talks about the role of husbands and wives, he begins the whole section with these words: “SUBMIT TO ONE ANOTHER out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
You see, when each puts the other first in the relationship, then you have harmony in the home. So ladies (and men), if you want God’s grace to transform your marriage, then…
SUBMIT TO YOUR MATE.
Literally, rank yourself under him (or her). Put yourself under his authority, verse 1 says. Look at it. “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands.”
The question is: In the same way as whom? Well, the previous verses answer that question. 1 Peter 2:13 – Submit “in the same way” a citizen should to his government – “for the Lord’s sake.” 1 Peter 2:18 – Submit “in the same way” an employee should to his employer – “with all respect.” And 1 Peter 2:23 – Submit “in the same way” Christ did when He bore our sins on the cross – without retaliation or threats, but entrusting Himself to God.
If you want God’s grace to transform your marriage, then submit for the Lord’s sake with all respect like Christ did.
Now ladies, submission is not something your husband does to you. It is something you do to him. It is an act of your own will from a position of inner strength, a strength you find only in your relationship with Jesus Christ. As you depend on Him, He gives you the power to submit freely, as an act of your own will, not because you are forced to do it, but because you choose to do it.
Let me be clear. God never asks a wife to subjugate herself to abuse. If you are being abused by your husband or any other man, then leave him now before he kills you. He may blame you for his anger, but you are not to blame. Please, if you are in that kind of a situation, get out and get help before it is too late.
We stand ready to help you as a church, and I stand ready to help you as your pastor. I can put you in touch with free resources right here in Door County. There is a 24-hour crisis line for victims of domestic violence (920-743-8818). Just call me, or the crisis line, at any time of day or night, and we will get you the help you need. Whatever you do, though, please do not stay in an abusive relationship.
Marlin Vis, a leader in the Christian Reformed Church in America, said that “generalizing from all of the studies done in churches among Christian women, one can conservatively estimate that for every 60 married women in a church, 10 are being verbally abused by their husbands, and two or three are being physically beaten as well. (Marlin Vis, “Battered into Submission,” Preaching Today, Tape No.134; www.PreachingToday.com)
Christianity Today did an extensive study of battered Christian woman, and they found that two-thirds of these women believe that it was their Christian responsibility to endure their husbands' violence and that in so doing they would be expressing a commitment both to God and to their husbands. Fifty-five percent noted that their husbands had said that if they would only be more submissive, then the violence would stop. And one-third of these women believed their husbands, thinking that their submission was the key to resolving domestic violence. (Marlin Vis, “Battered into Submission,” Preaching Today, Tape No.134; www.PreachingToday.com)
Well let me tell you: It is not. It is not the key, and it is not what God is asking women to do here in 1 Peter 3. He does NOT say subjugate yourself. He says, “Submit,” and there is a BIG difference between the two.
Warren Wiersbe put it this way in Leadership journal some time ago: He said, “Submission is not subjugation. Subjugation turns a person into a thing, destroys individuality, and removes all liberty… Subjugation is weakness; it is the refuge of those who are afraid of maturity. Submission is strength; it is the first step toward true maturity and ministry. (www.PreachingToday.com)
As I said before, submission is not something your husband does to you; it is something you do to him as a mature Christian woman to effectively minister to him.
Jill Briscoe talks about the difference between her family and her husband, Stuart’s, family and what that brought to their own marriage. She says, “My father, a quiet, gentle man, considered himself head of his home: protector, defender, and provider. My mom was a sweet, Scottish- born Presbyterian. She believed in the sovereignty of God and her husband. My father adored my mother, put his considerable business assets into her name, and looked to her to raise the children. When my sister came of age, my father supported her when she became an excellent car mechanic and raced cars. Eventually she took her place at his side as partner in his successful car business.
“Stuart's family was strict, conservative evangelical. His father was an elder in a small local assembly of believers, and he took seriously his responsibility to rule the household well. He considered himself the authority in his family, while his wife, a bright, articulate, efficient lady, considered herself in subjection to her husband in everything, carrying those convictions to her dress, her hair style, and silence in the presence of men at the church.
“Newly converted at a college in Cambridge and having just been introduced to Stuart's family,” Jill says, “I remember wondering greatly about this amazing mode of doing things. I sensed an unconscious frustration of unexplored desires and frustrated gifts in my mother-in-law. It was as if those gifts sat meekly inside her heart with eyes downcast and wearing a hat.
“In that moment as a new believer,” Jill says, “I believe I stumbled on an important truth of what submission isn't. Submission isn't sitting down on the outside while you're standing up on the inside.” (Jill Briscoe, “Hilarious Hupotasso,” Preaching Today, Tape No.117; www.PreachingToday.com)
Submission is an attitude of the heart on the inside, which leads to appropriate action on the outside. It is an act of your own will, out of a heart full of love and respect, which puts your mate first in the relationship. Using the language of Philippians 2, submission is humbly considering [your mate] better than yourself, looking not only to your own interests, but also to [his or her] interests (Philippians 2:3-4).
Again, I remind us men: this is not just for the women. This is for all of us men as well, because God is going to tell us in verse 7, “Live with your wives IN THE SAME WAY.”
So if you want God’s grace to transform your marriage, then submit to your mate for the Lord’s sake with all respect like Christ did when He died on the cross for our sins.
Then and only then will you win your mate. Then you will persuade him to follow Christ Himself.
Now, in Bible days, a wife who denied her husband’s gods was already violating social expectations. Plutarch, a secular writer who lived about the time 1 Peter was written, had commented that “it is becoming for a wife to worship and know only the gods that her husband believes in, and to shut the front door tight upon all queer rituals and outlandish superstitions” (Allen Black, The College Press NIV Commentary: 1 & 2 Peter, 1998).
It was expected that the wife have the same religion as her husband. Any other religion was considered “queer” and “outlandish.” So a Christian wife married to a non-Christian husband was a real problem in that society. He would have been highly offended and embarrassed before his friends to have such a wife.
What then is a Christian wife supposed to do in that situation? Obviously, she cannot give up her faith in Christ and worship her husband’s gods. That would go against God’s clear desires for her. No, she can’t do that, but she can submit to her husband as much as is possible in every other area and, by that, hope to lead him to faith in Christ.
You see, ladies, you don’t know how persuasive you can be – not through the power of words (they only turn a man off), but through the power of a changed life. Verse 1 says you can win those who do not believe the word without a word by your behavior, lit., by your turning back. The power of your changed life can be very persuasive even to those who refuse to be persuaded by the word itself.
Just a few years ago, Decision magazine told the story of Rick and Shawna Pilat, a Winnipeg couple who had recently come to faith in Christ. For Shawna, it started on a Sunday morning in January, 2000, when her husband, Rick, had not yet come home from his all-night partying.
As Shawna angrily washed dishes in the kitchen, she noticed a man speaking on the television. She was quickly drawn to his message – he was funny and warm, and seemed to be speaking at her level. “I felt something come over me that I can't explain,” she remembers. “I couldn't quit crying. At the end of the program it said, ‘Join us,’ and it gave the name of a church in Winnipeg.” Shawna says, “I couldn't get my son dressed fast enough.”
On the way to the church, Shawna had one purpose in mind: getting emotionally strong enough to kick Rick out. She had tried using marijuana, alcohol, and various relationships to put Rick out of her heart. Now she thought she'd found the answer, but God had a surprise for her.
At the end of the message, the pastor invited people to give their lives to Christ. Shawna raised her hand. “I never looked back,” Shawna says. Three weeks later, Rick asked if he could join her at church.
He had seen the change in her life, and he knew that his behavior was hurting his family. He was addicted to drugs and sex, but after four or five weeks of attending church with his wife, he recognized his need for Christ. Still, the following months were not easy for rick. He says, “I was going to church and wanting to do right, but I kept doing wrong.” It wasn't until a Promise Keepers event that Rick finally came to true and genuine faith in Christ. That day, he turned from his sin and accepted the forgiveness God offers through Jesus Christ. Then he went home and told his wife, “I can be the husband you need me to be now.”
As a result, Rick and Shawna's lives took a 180-degree turn. They became active in their church, and now they share the hope of God's restoration and forgiveness with struggling couples as volunteers with Promise Keepers. Rick says, “When I think how Jesus can change people – no matter how deep in sin they are – that overwhelms me. If he did it for us, he can do it for anybody.” (Kristen Burke, “Winnipeg Couple Set Free,” Decision magazine, December 2006, p.13; www.PreachingToday.com)
God used Shawna’s changed life to change her husband’s life, and God can use your changed life, as well. So stop nagging. Stop dropping hints here and there. Stop leaving certain books lying around, hoping he’ll read them, and simply start living your life in dependence upon God and in submission to your husband. Then you will win him.
But not only that, by the power of your new life in Christ, you will woo him, as well. You will attract him with an inner beauty that far outshines any cosmetics you could ever wear on the outside.
1 Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. (NIV)
Man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees what’s in the heart, and He values a gentle, quiet spirit.
Now, these verses don’t prohibit a woman from fixing up her hair or wearing jewelry; otherwise, she would also have to go without any clothes. The translators added the word, “fine,” before clothes in verse 3, but it is not there in the original text. Peter is certainly NOT saying that a woman should go without any clothes. Now, that might attract some guys, but for all the wrong reasons. No.
The point of these verses is this: A woman’s beauty should come more from the inside than the outside. Or as Warren Wiersbe once put it: “Any husband is proud of a wife who is attractive, but that beauty must come from the heart, not from the store.”
You see, what makes a woman truly beautiful is not the makeup on her face, but the makeup of her heart. That’s what made Sarah, Abraham’s wife, in the Old Testament truly beautiful even in her 80’s and 90’s. In fact, both the Egyptians in Genesis 12 and the Philistines in Genesis 20 considered her a “very beautiful woman” in her old age (Genesis 12:14), but look at where her beauty came from.
1 Peter 3:5-6 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. (NIV)
Now, if you’ve ever read the story of Abraham and Sarah in the book of Genesis, you know that Sarah was no push-over. She had a dominant personality and was not afraid to express her opinion. In Genesis 21, when she saw the son of her Egyptian maid mocking her own son, she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son!” (Genesis 21:10). Abraham was distressed, but God told him to listen to his wife. Sarah was a strong woman, but she used her strength to support her husband.
He didn’t MAKE her submit. In fact, Abraham didn’t make anybody do anything. He was always yielding to others. For example, when his shepherds and Lot’s shepherds argued over limited grazing land, Abraham told Lot to choose whatever land he wanted. Lot chose the fertile land, leaving Abraham the dry wasteland (Genesis 13). No, Abraham didn’t MAKE Sarah submit. It wasn’t in his personality.
Rather, Sarah CHOSE to submit, and that’s what made her beautiful in her husband’s eyes and in the eyes of two whole nations in her day.
If you want to be beautiful like Sarah, then do what Sarah did. Don’t apologize for your strength of will and character. God loves strong women. Just use that strength to serve beginning in your own home with your own husband. Submit to your mate, and so win him and woo him with an irresistible inner beauty.
Carre Otis was once among the world's top super models for 17 years, beginning her career at the age of 14. To prepare for each photo shoot, she routinely binged and purged, took laxatives and diet pills, and exercised intensely. Being extremely thin made possible a modeling career that earned her $20,000 a day, but she became dependent on cocaine and heroine to keep her on a diet. The actor, Micky Rourke, married this top super model, but her outward beauty couldn’t keep them together. Soon after they married, they divorced, and her destructive lifestyle led to a mental and emotional breakdown.
After treatment at a mental institution, Carre Otis emerged committed to changing her life. She began eating normally and abstaining from all drugs and alcohol. She gained 30 pounds, went from a size 2 to a size 12, and became a successful as “plus size” model.
Some time ago, on her 32nd birthday, a friend invited her on a humanitarian mission to distribute clothes and toys to kids living in orphanages in Nepal. For the first time she saw what starvation really was. Looking back on her experience, she explained to reporter Cynthia McFadden:
“It wasn't about somebody being concerned that they were going to fit into a size, and that's why they weren't eating. It was because there wasn't food to be had. There was no money to get food…”
Then Carre said, “If somebody asked me, ‘When did you feel the most beautiful?’ I would say, when I was traveling through the Himalayas in dirty clothes, dirty hair, hadn't had a shower in a week, and was giving kids clothes. That's when I felt like the most beautiful woman, and the woman I've always aspired to be.” (“A Natural Woman,” Prime Time Thursday, 9-06-01; www.PreachingToday.com)
True beauty for both men and women comes from a servant’s heart. So if you want to see God’s grace transform your marriage, or any relationship, then learn to serve like Jesus did. Come to Him today and let Him give you His heart.
