20110703 The Third Sunday After Pentecost - Web Site
Title: How to Grieve without Obsessing
Text: II Samuel 1 – 2:7
Thesis: Christians have the emotional and spiritual resources to cope with loss.
Introduction
On July 4, 1776, just 235 years ago, the Continental Congress adopted The Declaration of Independence, officially severing the 13 Colonies from British rule. During the 8 year American Revolutionary War, 25,000 American revolutionaries died but only 8,000 in battle. The other 17,000 died of disease or starvation. (Wikipedia.org/American_Revolutionary_War)
I cite the Korean War because it was sixty-one years and eight days ago that the Korean War began on June 25, 1950. It continued until July 27, 1953 when an armistice was signed reaffirming the division of the Koreas along the 38th Parallel with a two and a half mile wide DMZ buffer zone between North and South Korea. It was a war fought between South Korea and the United Nations against North Korea, supported by the People’s Republic of China and the Soviet Union. It was something of a battle for the independence of a democratic South Korea against the growing threat of communism that was prevalent throughout the Cold War. The Department of Defense reports 36,516 American soldiers died during the Korean War and an additional 8,176 are reported missing in action. (www.Wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_War)
Currently the United States has been involved in the war in Afghanistan since October 7, 2001… 9 years and 269 days. Of the 2,475 coalition deaths, 1,572 were American soldiers. And of the 16,000 coalition wounded, 10,944 were American soldiers. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_in_Afghanistan_2001%E2%80%93present)
If you were to Google “Timeline for United States Military Operations” you would see a mind boggling cataloging of our country’s involvements in conflicts around the world. It is no wonder that 2012 defense related expenditures are estimated to between 1 and 1.4 trillion dollars. It is sobering to know that U.S. military spending is 40% of total global military spending. Our military expenditures are 6 times that of China. And the United States and our allies are responsible for 3/4ths of global military spending. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_budget_of_the_United_States)
But as shockingly sad as all of that is… the most devastating statistic is the loss of lives.
The setting for our story today is that of war. It was a deadly ongoing conflict between the army of Israel and the Philistine army. In our story today the Israelite army collapsed and fled before the Philistines. They killed Saul’s three sons, Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shau. Archers eventually wounded King Saul prompting Saul to ask his armor-bearer to take his life rather than be captured and humiliated by the enemy. He would not so Saul fell on his own sword as did his armor-bearer. And when the dust had cleared, the Philistines had cut off King Saul’s head and nailed his body and the bodies of his three sons to a wall. (I Samuel 31)
While all of this is going on, David and his army, who had been on the outs with King Saul, had been fighting as mercenaries for the Philistines. He had successfully routed the Amalekites and had stopped in a place called Ziklag to recoup. While he was there he received devastating news.
Despite our familiarity with death, it still shocks up.
I. Loss often comes without warning… it is shocking!
“What happened?” David asked. “Tell me.” He said, “The men fled from the battle, many of them fell and died. And Saul and his son Jonathan are dead.” II Samuel 1:1-10
A. David had just returned from victory over the Amalekites.
David had just returned from a military victory over the Amalekites. It is a rather exciting story if you care to read about it in I Samuel 30. David and his army were victorious and they were basking in their glory and the plunder.
B. David received the report from the battlefront… Saul and Jonathan are dead!
Our text says that on the third day of relaxing a straggler staggered into Ziklag and fell on the ground before David. He told David that he had just come from the battlefield where the Philistines had defeated King Saul and his army. He told him that King Saul and his son Jonathan were dead. He went on to tell David that in order to spare King Saul the indignity of being captured and tortured, he had taken King Saul’s life.
David was no Pollyanna. David did not wear rose-colored glasses. David knew all too well the realities of life and death. He had done his own share of killing and he had seen many of his own friends die in battle. But still the reality of King Saul’s death shocked him.
He should not have been surprised because people die in battle during wartime. We are not surprised that crab fishermen get swept off their boats and die in the Baltic Sea. We are not surprised that the swamp people hunting alligators down in Florida sometimes get bit by an alligator. We are not surprised when a NASCAR driver gets killed in a fiery crash. We are not surprised when skiers get smacked when they ski into a pine tree. We are no surprised when a climber falls during a rock climb. We are not surprised when an elderly person goes to be with the Lord. But in some way, we are always a bit shocked… we expected it but it still surprises us.
Twelve years ago I received news that my cousin Donnie had drowned at 4 Mile Lake just north of Afton, IA. I was not at all surprised that Donnie was dead. His lifestyle was such that I could imagine a number of scenarios in which he might die. But I did not ever imagine that he would drown in 4 Mile Lake. But that was the news, right out of the blue, Donnie drowned yesterday over at 4 Mile Lake and some of the uncles will be there while they drag the lake if you’d like to come over.
I would guess that everyone in this room has a story like that you could tell. A story in which we related to how we knew it could happen but when it did we were caught off-guard. So what do we do when we get that kind of news… what do we do when we experience the loss of a loved one or receive news of some kind of devastating loss?
We do what we do and we respond in ways that are normal in our culture.
II. When we experience loss it is appropriate to embrace time-honored traditions.
Then David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them. They mourned and wept and fasted till evening… II Samuel 1:11
When David learned of Kings Saul’s death and the death of Jonathan, as they say today, his bff, what David did was a time-honored tradition in his culture.
A. David’s ritual. It says in verse 11 that he was:
1. In the company of others, i.e., the men around him
2. Tore his clothing
3. Mourned and wept and fasted till evening
That’s what David did because that is what they did when they marked the death of a loved one.
So what do we do? What is our time-honored tradition? What is your ritual?
B. Your Ritual
1. (If possible) We gather around our deceased loved one while we await the arrival of the coroner and the funeral director
2. We are surrounded by family and friends who wish to support and encourage us
3. We turn to Scripture and we pray
4. We have a viewing
5. We have a funeral or memorial service
6. We have a committal service at the gravesite
7. We gather again to eat around the table to remember
8. We place a gravestone marker
9. We continue to grieve our loss and hopefully celebrate our loved one’s gain… “to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord,” and return occasionally or on Memorial Day to honor the life of that loved one
In our culture we have sacred places like homes and sanctuaries and cemeteries. These are places where we belong. We have sacred communities of family, friends, and faith community with whom we gather at our sacred places. We have sacred stories which we retell about the life and loves of our loved one and we have the sacred story from Scripture about life and death and our hope of eternal life. And it is in observing these rituals that we find ourselves in a place where we belong and among people whom we love and find comfort with them in the faith we share and we find strength and hope in God.
We all know that within every culture are sub-cultures and in the United States a funeral in New Orleans is different than a funeral in Minneapolis, MN. A funeral in Appalachia is different than a funeral in southern California. A civilian funeral is different than a military funeral.
Following the news of Bin Laden’s death we were told that his body had been buried at sea. Officials reported, “We are ensuring that it (his burial) was handled in accordance with Islamic practices and traditions.” Islamic traditions differ from Christian traditions. (http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/05/02/why-was-bin-laden-buried-at-sea-so-quickly/)
Our traditions embrace the importance of people, place and religious faith and practice.
But David did something else that I think is helpful and healthy.
III. When you experience loss focus your thoughts on the significance of the loss (the significance of the loved one).
They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the Lord and the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword. II Samuel 1:12
David fully embraced the significance of their loss in a healthy way. However sometimes we can embrace our loss too tightly.
A. Unhealthy grieving
1. No hope grieving. There are people in the world who have no hope. They may choose to have no faith in God or hope of an afterlife. They may have a sense of eternal things but may never have come to practice a faith. In the first case their belief system is simple… you live and then you die and when you die you’re dead and that’s it. Or a person may have a sense of the eternal and a sense that there must be an afterlife and even a conviction that after death there is some sort of system of justice that punishes the bad people and rewards good people. But in either case, neither has the assurance of hope after death. So when a “no hope” person dies or loses a loved one the sense of separation and loss is intensified. Death is final. It’s all over. The fat lady has sung.
2. Protracted grieving. Protracted grieving may be the result of “no hope” or it may be the result of such an intense sense of loss that they will not be comforted. When a person experiences protracted grief they will not let their sadness go… in fact they nurture and feed it.
In the 1970’s there was a haunting song written by Alex Harvey and popularized by Bette Midler, Helen Reddy and Tanya Tucker called “Delta Dawn.”
Delta Dawn what’s that flower you have on
Could it be a faded rose from days gone by
And did I hear you say he was a meeting you here today
To take you to his mansion in the sky
The song is about a woman from Brownsville, Tennessee who earned the name of Delta Dawn. In her youth she was apparently a beautiful young woman who was swept off her feet by a handsome ne’er-do-well who was supposed to marry her and take her away. However he skipped town, leaving her at the altar, so to speak. Delta then slipped away into mental illness becoming a woman who spent her days walking around town wearing a faded rose and carrying a suitcase looking for her lost love.
At any rate we know that unhealthy grieving results in getting stuck in the grief and being unable or unwilling to move on.
B. Healthy grieving.
1. Healthy grieving owns the grief. Healthy grieving is fully aware of the significance of the loss. David’s grief encompassed: The personal grief at the loss of his friend Jonathan. The loss of the families of the men who had died in battle. The military loss of the army and the loss of life. And national loss of its sons.
2. Healthy grieving demonstrates hope. As Christians we do not sorrow as those who have no hope. (I Thessalonians 4:13)
3. Healthy grieving remembers and honors the deceased in the writing of a lament in II Samuel 1:17-27. He eulogized the dead and spoke well of them.
Equally important to dealing with one’s grief in a healthy way is being willing to move on. Life does go on.
IV. When you experience loss, adjust your life and move on with God’s blessing.
In the course of time, David inquired of the Lord, “Shall I go up to one of the towns of Judah?” And the Lord said, “Go up.” And then the men of Judah came to Hebron and there they anointed David king over the house of Judah.” II Samuel 2:1-7
The bible says that “In the course of time, David inquired of the Lord.” In the course of time…
Whenever our denomination or our conference has an annual meeting or whenever there is a convention, there is generally a convention hotel. The action takes place at the hotel and meeting rooms are made available based on the number of rooms booked by for the convention. So those planning conventions like for the attendees to book lodging in the conference or convention hotel. Those rooms may be reduced in rate but they are still generally a bit pricey. So from time to time I try to save money and stay off-campus, so to speak. Sometimes the result is a very comfortable room with amenities that make the inconvenience of being off-campus worthwhile. At other times that is not the case.
Once I booked a room in a small motel near the convention center. It was very inexpensive and when I arrived I understood why. First of all, it was called “The Coronado” which should have warned me. It was a seedy motel that had known much better days. The rooms had very low ceilings. My room smelled musty. The lights did not work. The clothes rack was broken. The porcelain was worn off the fixtures in the bath. The towels were raggedy. It was not a good place to stay.
Grief is not a good place to stay. You have to stay there for a while but you are under no obligation to stay there for the rest of your life. In our story today,
A. David prayed for guidance.
In the course of time David inquired of the Lord. “Shall I go up to one of the towns of Judah?” he asked. “Shall I move on?”
B. David moved on with the blessing of God and others.
The Lord said, “Go up.” And the Lord said, “Move on.”
So David went up there with his two wives, and the men who were with him and their families…
Conclusion
In April, 2011, Rick Reilly wrote a moving story about forgiveness from the life of Chris Paul, the all-star basketball player for the Charlotte Hornets. Reilly writes:
On the moonless night of November 15, 2002, five boys ran across a park, jumped a 61-year-old man, bound his wrists … and beat him with pipes until his heart stopped. All for his wallet. That man was Nathaniel Jones, the grandfather of future NBA star Chris Paul.
[Nathaniel Jones], the man everybody called "PaPa Chili," was the first black man to open a service station in North Carolina, and both Chris and his brother worked at it. PaPa Chili was known to let people run tabs when times got tough. Plenty of times, he'd hand people money out of the cash register to get by. Paul called him "my best friend."
[After learning of his grandfather's death], Paul, [who at the time was] a high school senior, was so woebegone he was literally sick. Two days later, he scored 61 points for West Forsyth High School, one for every year of PaPa Chili's life. He purposely missed a free throw at the end, then collapsed into the arms of his father in tears.
Today, [the boys who murdered PaPa Chili] are men, sitting in prisons across the state of North Carolina, some serving 14-year terms, some life …. The five are about the same age as Paul, same race, same height, and from the same hometown … Paul, now 25, said: "Those guys were 14- and 15-years-old at the time, with a lot of life ahead of them. I wish I could talk to them and tell them, 'I forgive you. Honestly.' I hate to know that they're going to be in jail for a long time. I hate it."
Rick Reilly admits that he can't fathom Paul's willingness to forgive his grandfather's killers. If strangers had murdered his grandfather, Reilly says, "I'd want them in prison 100 years after they were in the dirt."
So why did Chris Paul decide to forgive these young men? There's a clue on the nba.com website. In 2008, fans wrote a series of questions to Chris Paul, mostly about basketball. However, one fan wrote and asked, "Hey Chris, are you a Christian?" Paul answered, "Yes. I grew up in the church and still go every Sunday if I don't have practice. It's always something that my parents instilled in me. I've grown to be pretty devout in my faith." (Rick Reilly, "The Lessons of Nathaniel Jones," ESPN , 4-27-11)
His secret for moving on was to practice his faith and that is our secret as well.
1. Embrace time-honored traditions including collapsing in your father’s arms in tears.
2. Focus on the significance of your loss… the loss of a grandfather and best friend.
3. Adjust and move on with the blessing of God. Forgive those who need forgiven and move on to honor the memory of your
loved one.
