Thick Skinned and Tender-hearted
TEXT: I Peter 3:8-18
INTRODUCTION:
“I was a stranger in the city. The church sign read, ‘Welcome‘, so I went in. I smiled at the Sunday school children as they rushed to their classes. Neither they nor their parents greeted me. After I sat down, an elderly woman sat beside me. We exchanged names and shook hands. Another woman joined us, saying it was nice weather. After singing a few songs we went to class. No one spoke to me.”
“After Sunday school, everyone rushed to the worship service. The service included hearty singing, prayer and a beautiful duet. The minister welcomed Mrs. So-and-So then said, ‘I don’t see anyone else I don’t know’ and went on with the announcements. After closing prayer, I waited expectantly to meet someone but over 100 worshippers filed out, not even pausing to say, ‘It was good that you came today.’ Big words in the bulletin said, ‘Welcome, we are glad you came. Come often.’ But all I could think was, ‘I was a stranger and you took me not in.’” (Taken from “Was This Your Church” by A. D. Schanz)
Have you ever had this experience while away from home visiting a strange church? Have you ever wondered what causes some churches to be warm and friendly while others are cold and impersonal?
We will examine this problem as we study I Peter 3:8-18. [read text]
Today, I want to show an important quality for any Christian who wants to be useful to God. The title for this message is: “Thick Skinned and Tender Hearted” but first, we will need to examine why some people are just the opposite. What causes some Christians to be -- thin skinned and hard hearted.
I. THIN SKINNED AND HARD HEARTED
There are several underlying reasons why some Christians become thin skinned and hard hearted; they have developed attitudes that make them that way. We are going to explore a few of the reasons for this over-sensitivity and callousness.
They are:
A. an attitude of “Pride”
B. an attitude of “Thoughtlessness”
C. an attitude of “Selfishness”
A. Pride
Pride is perhaps one of the biggest hindrances to a friendly concerned church. The reason why pride is so detrimental is because pride produces fear of rejection by others. Many people in the church have at one time or another experienced rejection from someone in the church.
Someone didn’t respond to their move of friendliness and because they were hurt, they weren’t about to risk rejection again. The result is that these people now make a point of keeping a measure of “coolness” in their friendliness so no one will think they are reaching out for friendship or that they need acceptance.
However, we need to remember that even Christ experienced rejection and the apostle Paul was not always loved in return. Paul once wrote to the Corinthians telling them in II Corinthians 6:11-13 --
“We have spoken freely to you Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are with-holding yours from us. As a fair exchange--I speak as to my children--open wide your hearts also.”
In verse 8 of our text today, we are exhorted to be like one big happy family; and what is the major characteristic of a big happy family? Acceptance.
Everyone is looking for acceptance from a person or a group of people somewhere in the world, and though these people might find rejection, they certainly should not find rejection in the Church. The Church should be a perfect picture of warmth, love and acceptance. If this does not characterize the Church or certain elements in the Church, then a change is in order.
Marion Jacobsen, author of a book entitled, “Crowded Pews and Lonely People”, said this about acceptance in the Church, “Such a transformation probably would do more to attract others to Jesus Christ than any house-to-house canvas, evangelistic campaign or new church facility. People are hungry for acceptance, love and friends and unless they find them in the church thy may not stay there long enough to become personally related to Christ.”
She also said that, “The first 10 minutes a visitor spends in church, and how he is treated in that time, will determine whether or not he ever comes back.’
B. Thoughtlessness
The second cause of thin-skinned, hard-hearted people is thoughtlessness. The problem is simply what the name implies. Some Christians never stop to think about the results of their actions. This is the “hard-hearted” part of their nature.
Most blow-ups and misunderstandings in the church are not the result of outright wickedness or cruelty on the part of an individual; these problems come about as a result of mere thoughtlessness.
It is thoughtlessness or insensitivity that produces “cliques” in churches. Let’s face it, everyone has good friends who they enjoy being with. Even Christ had three apostles He felt closer to out of the twelve and John was referred to as "the one Christ loved" (John 13:23). He was closest to Jesus and sat next to Him at the Last Supper. The problem comes when people enjoy their close friends so much that they seek out fellowship only with them to the exclusion of others.
If someone were to go up to these exclusive groups and tell them they were a clique, they would make a profuse denial. Why? Because people seldom think of themselves as cliquish. The problem is that they just don’t think.
I would say with great assurance that most of the people we offend are people we never even knew we were offending at the time. Why? Because we were not being sensitive to their feelings.
Thoughtlessness seems so innocent because while you are not thinking about something, you are certainly not aware of doing anything wrong. Thoughtlessness, however, is a deadly poison that eats away at the heart of a church. The only cure for thoughtlessness is for a person’s calloused, hard-heart to be cracked and broken by the Holy Spirit. Scolding and threatening won’t help, but when God’s Holy Spirit is allowed to work in our hearts, He convicts us of the sin of thoughtlessness.
C. Selfishness
When it comes right down to the root problem in most Christian’s lives, the real cause of thin skins and hard-hearts is selfishness. If we weren’t so selfish, we wouldn’t be so full of pride or fear of rejection. We wouldn’t be so thoughtless and we wouldn’t be so “over-sensitive” to how others treat us.
I want to talk about the “thin skin” on many Christians.
It never ceases to amaze me how easily some people in the church can be offended. Some people have extremely low boiling points and all it takes is a cross-eyed look to set them off for a big eruption.
Some Christians are walking around with a chip on their shoulders that they are just daring someone to knock off. I might also add, that it seems like the people who are most easily offended are also the least sensitive to the feelings of others.
I also have noticed that when we get offended, we are most offended by remarks which have some degree of truth to them and less offended by remarks which are totally untrue. Therefore, when we get really mad at something someone says about us, it is time for some careful self-examination to see just how much of that criticism is called for.
One Sunday, I asked a junior high school group to rate the students in their school on the amount of criticalness that went on using a scale of 1 to 10. (1 would be “not critical” and 10 would be “very critical”). They rated the school with a 10. I then asked them to rate their church youth group; they surprised me by also giving the youth group a 10 rating just like they gave the school.
Kids in school are brutally critical of one another, always making fun of each other and teasing each other for anything that is the least bit different or unusual. This typifies the school and the world in general. This should not and must not typify the Church. The Church must be the one haven where any person can find acceptance and understanding. For this reason, “Thin-Skins” and “Hard-Hearts” have got to go and only the Holy Spirit can remove them.
II. THICK SKINNED AND TENDER HEARTED
There is an attitude that we in the Church should have. We should all have developed the proper attitude which, in part, consist of:
A. an attitude of “I care about you”
B. an attitude of “encouragement”
C. an attitude of “being willing to give ourselves away”
Let’s explore how each of these attitudes will help us to have a “thick skin” and “tender heart’.
A. I Care About You
Notice the exhortations from Peter in the text,
We should be like one big happy family, full of sympathy toward each other, loving each other with tender hearts and humble minds”
“don’t repay evil for evil”
“don’t snap back at those who say unkind things about you”
(this is the ‘thick skinned’ attitude)
“we are to be kind to others”
“control your tongue and don’t tell lies”
“turn away from evil and do good”
“try to live in peace even if you must run after it to catch and hold it”
“quietly trust yourself to Christ”
“do what is right”
“it is better to suffer for doing good than for doing wrong”
This “I care about you” attitude can best be displayed by paying attention to people. Before, I talked about people being thoughtless. The antidote for that type of poison is to be “thoughtful”. What can be more purposefully thoughtful than paying attention to people, recognize that they exist, reassure them that they are worth something to you.
EXAMPLE: (Mrs. Pruitt in Joplin.) I often worked for a lady doing yard work in her over-sized yard. She not only paid me, but also fed me, washed my clothes, and befriended me. One day, we were eating a meal together she had cooked. The TV was on, and I was focused on the program. She talked to me, but I only gave her part of my attention. Then I heard her sigh and say, "Well, I understand. Nobody wants to hear the ramblings of an old woman anyway." I was thoroughly embarrassed by my disregard of her conversation, and vowed never to do that to her again. I realized that my work for her was only part of why she called me over to her house. Companionship and conversation was the equally important second reason. She needed a friend as much as she needed a worker.
There are two suggestions for those who desire to develop the sensitive art of paying attention to others:
1) We must learn to listen deeply. The art of paying attention involves stretching out your mind and heart and focusing on the other person with all the intensity and awareness that you can command.
2) We must teach our ego to hold its breath. All of us are self-centered most of the time, but if we want to pay attention to another person, we must train our own attention-hungry egos to stop striving for the spotlight and let if fall on the other person for a change.
There is a name for people who always try to keep the spotlight focused on themselves, they are called “crashing bores”. The art of paying attention is desperately needed among Christians. As you become aware of the glad or sad feelings that a person is experiencing, you need to let them know that you share what they feel. This is why we are told in Romans 12:15 to:
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
B. Encouragement
We also need to develop the art of “encouragement”. In Proverbs 12:25 we are told:
“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind work cheers him up.”
We need to:
encourage those who have taken on a job for the Lord in the church,
encourage the sick,
encourage loved ones of a person who has died,
encourage a Christian who needs reassurance,
encourage parents about their children.
We even need to give
encouragement and reassurance about the way a person looks, letting
them know the things that we like and admire about them.
In all your efforts to encourage and help a fellow Christian, be gentle.
Paul wrote about his ministry to the Thessalonians in I Thessalonians 2:7-12 saying:
but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children.
. . . . . For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with
his children, encouraging, comforting, urging you . . . . “
Who have you encouraged this past week? Who will you encourage today?
C. Being Willing To Give Ourselves Away
Finally, we need to develop the attitude of being willing to give ourselves away. This principle of spending yourself for others is the crux of the whole matter of being thick skinned and tender hearted. This is definitely the opposite of being selfish and full of pride.
Paul spoke about Timothy to the Philippians and described him this way in chapter 2:20-21
I have no one else like him, who takes a genuine interest in your welfare.
For everyone looks out for his own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.”
Giving ourselves away involves being vulnerable. We must be willing to be hurt a little if necessary, in creative Christian living. A lot of people need a thicker and tougher emotional skin than they have. But, we need only a tougher skin, not a shell. To trust and love is to open ourselves up to being hurt. If we are hurt once, we can do one of two things:
1. We can build a thick protective shell to prevent being hurt again, and
live like an oyster,
or
2. We can “turn the other cheek” and remain vulnerable and go on living
creatively for Christ, continually giving friendship and comfort no matter
how we are treated by others.
CONCLUSION:
A young college professor gave the testimony of being impressed by Christ’s position on the cross. His arms outstretched, so that they could be of no use to protect himself, his body completely exposed and vulnerable. Rather than defend himself, Jesus, of his own free will, offered himself to be the friend and savior of sinners.
“It was at the cross”, he said, “that I learned the importance of not protecting or defending myself, of being willing to be open, ex expose myself emotionally to people, making myself available to their need without being afraid of the risks involved.”
That is being thick skinned and tender hearted. As individuals and as a congregation, we can grow in this beautiful grace of character. This makes us attractive as a congregation. This says more for us and more for our Lord than any building we could ever build or any program we could ever start.
Let’s examine ourselves today; look at the condition of our “skins” and “hearts”. Are we “puffed up with pride”, or “selfishness”, or “numbed by thoughtlessness”?
Can we honestly say we really care about others and are sensitive to their needs? Are we encouragers? Do we give ourselves away?
How thick is your “skin”? How tender is your “heart”?
(Some of the inspiration for this message came from Marion Jacobsen, "Crowded Pews and Lonely People.")
