A Fireproof way for marriages?
Pastor Allan Kircher
Shell Point Baptist church
Ephesians 5:21-5:33
Introduction:
In Successful Marriages, Spouses give up their rights for one another
wives give respect to their husbands
husbands give love their wives
spouses give Christ their reverence
First of two sermons/what I call the M & M’s of stress/life today.
• Marriage and money.
• My plan for these messages is to focus on what the Bible says about these two top SOURCES of stress in life.
• Next week we will look at the frustration that comes with trying to manage our money.
Sermon:
Now some of you may wonder, "What does marriage have to do with stress?"
Well, if you are one of those "wonder-ers"-then you must be single because spouses who have been together any length of time will tell you that tension is part and parcel of being married.
Two living, breathing, sinful people are going to have some level of strain in their relationship.
o The problem these days is
o husbands and wives have forgotten how to deal with this inevitable conflict
o So more and more couples experience little if any joy in their marriage.
Now before we go any farther I want to point out that this particular text can be very difficult to understand.
In fact/verses/Ephesians 5 have caused so much disagreement that many people ignore them all together.
o Most pastors steer clear of this text, fearing the conflict it may cause in their churches.
o Probably because that six-letter word “Submit” is one of the most disliked, and divisive words in the Bible.
But I don't want us here at Shell Point to do that
To steer clear of it
We HAVE to come to a proper understanding of this troublesome word if our marriages are to bring us the joy God intends.
We simply must understand this word if we are to understand His blueprint!
You see, I have found that most of the problems in marriage can be traced to one thing: POWER.
The majority of arguments between husbands and wives
Have to do with disagreements over who is in charge of what in the relationship.
Part 2 of 12 Fireproof opening argument
And, more often than not husbands and wives don't resolve this issue properly
• This causes a power imbalance in their marriage.
• So what happens when power/authority are out of whack?
1. First we need/discuss/certainly/differences between men/women.
o I mean you have noticed that men and women are different?
These differences are intended by our Creator to be complimentary.
They bring balance/depth/excitement to any marriage relationship.
The fact is that when we truly UNDERSTAND each other—we are better TOGETHER than we are ALONE.
I am not talking about just physical differences
I am talking/how different men/women/relationally/emotionally
o We process things differently
o We think differently
o We can even experience the same situation and yet see it so totally different.
He said/she said clip
o Have you ever been there?
You ever felt that you/your spouse so different that there is no way things can work out?
o No way you could experience a successful marriage?
Well, I want to tell you that if you have been married for more than a couple years, this thought has probably crossed your mind at some point, even if you have resisted it by the power of Christ.
There are all kinds of differences between the genders.
■A woman marries a man expecting him to change.
■A man marries a woman hoping she won’t change.
Women tend to be more VERBAL than men.
In fact they learn to talk sooner than we guys do.
So, the truth is men start off behind women in talking and we never catch up.
o the average woman speaks over 25,000 words a day
o While the average man speaks only a little over 10,000.
This means/time/man gets home/work he’s used all his words but his wife is just warming up.
Anyone ever had a marital argument that stemmed from the wife’s desire to talk when the husband got home from work and the husband’s desire to just vegg out in front of the TV?
If men/women are so totally different, how is it that we can have a successful marriage?
Can we truly experience the joy that God desires for us?
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2. What is a Successful Marriage
I think it is important to define a successful marriage.
It one both the husband/wife experiences the joy/unity, even amid struggles,
And this comes from being united physically, emotionally and spiritually.
• This goes back to how God created man and woman.
• He created us to be united.
• God has ordained that in marriage
• Men and women/united completely and when we are experience the joy of marriage as God intended.
Well why don’t we experience this if this is what God intended, most marriages are not successful.
Over 67% of marriages end/divorce and in countless other marriages there is no joy being experienced.
The sad part is in the church, the statistics are not any different.
Do you want to know the reason for that?
It is because we say we believe God and his word with our mouths, but we don’t really believe Him with our actions.
The reality is when we read what God says to do, some of it seems counterintuitive when we try to understand it.
I want to tell you today that God’s word is true
if we would trust God and follow these guidelines for marriage
All of us would be able to experience a successful marriage.
I. Spouses Give up their rights for One another
Ephesians 5:21 – “Submit to one another…”
Greek word/translated/submit means “place oneself under.”
In a successful marriage, in successful relationships of every kind, we are to give up our rights for another.
o In our society today we equate submission with weakness and joylessness.
o What does the person who holds the greatest power and authority in a relationship usually do?
o Well, they LORD IT OVER THE OTHER PERSON.
o If it's a husband he tends to attempt to control his wife.
o He uses her to make his life easier.
Laural bay story.
First, I thought, “why is he doing that to her?” but close on the heels of that first thought, I would wonder “How can I get Joy to get my coffee like that?
My sinful, selfish self wanted that kind of authority-for my own benefit.
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Okay—what about the other side of this power IMBALANCE in a relationship.
What does the person holding the LESS power or authority tend to do?
When wives for example are subjugated forcefully to the authority of the husband they often REBEL or RESIST.
This is why affairs occur…
They find some way to make their domineering husband’s lives miserable.
o And that's the way it almost always is.
o When people ABUSE their authority-those who suffer look for a way to get even.
I am sure that some of you right now are thinking,
• “If I give up my rights, I am going to get walked all over and I will never experience joy.”
• “I need to protect my rights and guard them if I am going to experience joy in this world.”
I will agree with you that to give up your rights for someone else seems risky and somewhat counter intuitive.
• But Christ often calls us to the counter intuitive.
• Lose your life and you will find it. (Mark 10:39)
• He first will be last and the last will be first. (Mark 10:31
• Do not repay evil with evil, but with blessing (1 Peter 3:9)
• Giving up your rights, when the Lord tells us to do it, only seems risky.
In fact it is the best and safest thing we could do.
Not about weakness, but strength
Giving up your rights to your spouse is not about being weak or a doormat.
In fact, it requires great strength to willingly give up our rights.
Jesus is our example in this.
He was anything but weak or a doormat, He willingly gave up what was His right, for us.
Philippians 2:6-8
6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross!
He submitted himself to the authorities.
He submitted Himself to the cross.
He was not forced in any of these things
He did so willingly because of His desire to glorify the Father and His love for you.
That takes strength.
I want to encourage you
Be strong/willing to give up your rights for one another so you can glorify the Father and begin to experience the joy that can result.
Paul goes on to get more specific for husbands and wives concerning some of the differences in the way God has designed us.
II. Wives are to give respect to their husbands
Verse 33, Paul says that “the wife must respect her husband.”
Since we have/talked/what submission looks like
I want to talk about this concept of respect for a moment.
Ladies, if you truly want to experience a successful marriage, you need to respect your husband.
• We have already seen that men/women are very different.
• Well, God, in his wisdom, has given the need to men to feel respected as primary in a guys life.
This is why he tells wives to respect their husbands, it fulfills a God designed need
76% of Men stated they would rather feel respected than alone.
The fact of the matter is that when you give respect to your husband, you are loving them.
I can hear some of you right now thinking,
“My husband doesn’t deserve my respect.”
This is not about your husband deserving respect. This is about you trusting God.
It is your relationship with God that you are able to still give respect.
And for those of you who are single ladies
This is important for you to understand in relationships with guy friends.
By respecting them, you honor and love them
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Well, how do you show respect to someone who you feel is not worthy of respect?
It starts with trusting God then it overflows to your actions.
If you really believe God is God and that His ways are best, you will be able to do what He says.
And if you really believe that, what can you do to show/respect?
Try these things ladies.
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1. Pray for him daily
2. Remember that God will lead through your husband
3.Make a list/husband’s qualities and review them regularly
4. Tell your husband what you appreciate about him
5. Don’t criticize/husband to others – especially your children.
6. Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating
7. Respond to his loving advances with enthusiasm
8. If you are concerned about a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
I am confused about such and such. Can you explain it to me?
Can we talk about______? I feel uncomfortable about ________?
If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of his good qualities.
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“Remember, God is working on you and your husband.
You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes.
Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure.
In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.”
Respect your husband in your actions.
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Lastly, for wives
• You are to relate/husbands in light/relationship with Jesus.
• You are to treat/husbands as Jesus would want them treated.
• Godly Wives should be constantly asking, ‘What would Jesus have me do?’ when it comes to relating to my husband.”
Can you imagine how wonderful it would be to have a wife who treats you the way Jesus would want her too...
Whose love for you reflects her love for Jesus?
Maybe—like me--you don’t have to imagine what this would be like—
and if so, you would certainly testify as I do
That no man can be treated better than one whose wife relates to him in this way!
III. Turning to husbands, the Lord tells us through Paul that
Husbands give love to their wives
What does this principle mean for HUSBANDS?
Look at verse 25. “Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it.”
Men, that’s a nice poetic way of saying,
o “Jesus chose to submit himself to the whip
o the thorns and the nails for our benefit
o And that’s the example you husbands are to follow.”
In short, Paul says that we men are to not to have a DOMINEERING...but rather a SACRIFICIAL love for our wives.
• Men, their needs are to always come before our own
• Even if it is costly for us.
• In fact, we are to be willing to lay down our lives for our wives.
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We can do this in countless other ways to show our love
As we learn to die to self daily...and put our wives’ needs first.
Here’s one way to do this…watch this clip.
Fireproof/apology
Men, think for a moment.
What is an area in your life that you need to die—so that you can put your wife’s needs first?
Where are you giving “YOUR needs” priority when it should be your wife’s?
If you have a hard time thinking of any areas, you might want to ask for your wife’s help!
And wives—can you imagine how wonderful it would be to have a husband who always puts you first
Who is constantly dying to self to make sure your needs are met?
Hopefully some of you don’t have to imagine!
Husbands you need to love your wife as Christ loved the church.
Christ loved the church sacrificially
We need to love our wives sacrificially.
Now some of you men are thinking
I sacrifice for my wife and family.
I work long hours to provide.
I would lay down my life to protect them from harm
I didn’t go out with my buddies after work but came home instead.
Yeah, I sacrifice for her.
Listen, we need to understand what sacrifice is.
Sacrifice is not doing what we feel is sacrifice. It is doing what others think is sacrifice.
In the film, the thing that finally heals their marriage is when Caleb gives his life savings—money he’d been stashing away for a boat—to provide a hospital bed and powered wheel-chair for his mother-in-law. That act of submission and sacrifice was what rekindled the fire of love in his wife’s heart.
Fireproof 10
The true spirituality of a man is not measured by how well he leads outside the home.
o By the way he leads his Sunday School class.
o Or the way he speaks in public.
It is by the way he treats his wife and children when no one else is around.
The man who plays the part on the surface, but lacks love and care of his home is guilty of spiritual fraud.
Guys, spend time…
Going to the mall and shopping with her.
Spending some time talking about your day and her day after work so she can feel connected to you.
Really listening to her.
That means not just hearing what she is saying but remembering.
And also listening to the things going on in her life without offering a solution, but giving her empathy.
Study her and act upon the things you learn.
You can’t just get married and tell her you love her and think that that should be good enough for the rest of your days.
Guys – god enables you to love your wife even when she doesn’t deserve it
• There are times that you will so not feel like loving your wife
• But only by the grace and strength of God and your reverence for Him that you will be able to act in accordance with loving her even when you don’t feel like it.
Here’s the resolution…
Guys, do you pray with your wife….daily?
Do you read God’s word with your wife…daily?
If not, how can you possibility have a successful marriage?
When a man senses a primary God-given responsibility for the spiritual life of the family,
gathering the family for devotions,
taking them to church,
calling for prayer at meals
when he senses a primary God-given responsibility for the discipline and education of the children,
the stewardship of money,
the provision of food,
the safety of the home,
the healing of discord,
That special sense of responsibility is not authoritarian or autocratic or domineering or bossy or oppressive or abusive.
It is simply servant-leadership.
And I have never met a wife who is sorry she is married to a man like that.
Because when God designs a thing (like marriage), he designs it for his glory and our good.
IV. To both husbands and wives
Three is better than one!
Men and women who experience/joy/fulfillment/excitement that marriage is supposed to involve, are those people who invite GOD into their relationship.
They place God atop, aside, and in all affairs of marriage.
• The truth is a husband and a wife can’t submit to one another
• They can’t love one another enough to embrace their differences and work as a team
• They can’t do these things on their own power.
If a husband is to love like Jesus—he must have personally experienced the love of Jesus.
If a wife is to treat her husband as Jesus would want her too
She must know Jesus and have submitted to Him herself.
They each need Jesus living in and through them.
This is what Paul is saying in verse 21. Husbands and wives are to “...submit to one another—out of reverence for Christ.”
1. First of all they are able to share a common treasure.
They can SHARE that which is most important to them
That which is most PRECIOUS to them.
Now Joy doesn't love Football as much as I do and I don't love the History Channel as much as she does, but we both love Jesus with the same level of passion.
And because we do, we can discuss together the lessons we learn in our personal Bible study.
I can come home and excitedly tell her something I discovered in studying for my sermon and know that she will be just as excited about it as I am.
We can tell each other about answers to prayer.
We share the visions God gives us with zeal.
We can encourage one another to commit more of ourselves to God.
We can talk openly about the sin in our lives and challenge one another to greater obedience.
Jesus is our treasure and as Christians we can share this treasure together in marriage!
And I am so glad because it would be torture for me not to be able to share the most important THING in my life with the most important PERSON in my life: my wife.
To experience the most successful marriage, as well as the best life possible requires a relationship with Christ and for us to revere Him.
Being in a relationship with Christ is the only way to experience the fullness of life that Christ has come to bring and that means in our marriages as well.
• When we receive Christ as Savior and have the presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives,
• we are enabled to love/sacrifice/respect/submit ourselves beyond what our own strength could muster
• We can operate and act in the strength of the Holy Spirit.
Even as a Christian, if you don’t have a reverence and trust in the Lord that is renewed and refreshed regularly, you may end up as just another statistic.
Don’t end up that way, and up this way…..
Scene in the bay of the firehouse.
Invitation: You know, the secret to success and happiness in any arena of life-not just marriage-is to trust Jesus-to submit ourselves to His will.
We close by singing a song to give you an opportunity to do just that-privately or publicly. If you have a public decision to make such as professing your faith in Jesus or joining our church family, I invite you to come and share it with me now, as we stand and sing.
