OBEYING YOUR MOM & DAD
SERIES: EPHESIANS 6
INTRO: Did you ever realize that some people’s parenting skills are way different from many others. And some skills, well they leave a lot to the imagination. Here are some examples…
Example #1: Taking your kid to work sounds like a good idea, but some people take it just too far. According to the Chicago Sun Times, a woman and her boyfriend decided to go on a date, but it was a bank-robbing date. So they brought their 5 year old along with them. The child stayed in the car seat while the two parents demanded money armed with a butcher knife and wearing a pair of bandanas. This is obviously not great parenting.
Example #2: Or did you hear about the man brought up on charges in Madison, Wisconsin. Now, I don’t want to say too much because a lot of young adults can get busted for drugs (of course, Christians don’t use drugs, it’s part of the whole holiness thing we promise to be and do). But, who names their kid Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop? So true!
Example #3: And of course, great parents provide great food don’t they (I dunno really, but hopefully something different then the following story). Her name is Stacey Irvine, she is a 17 year old girl who collapsed in Great Britain severely malnourished. Why? Because all she ever really ate in her life was…Chicken McNuggets (which by the way isn’t even chicken, google the words McDonald’s and pink sludge on the internet and you’ll see what I mean).
BIBLE VERSE: Ephesians 6:1-3
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
1. What does it mean to obey?
2. What if your parents tell you to do something that is contrary to scripture?
3. What is the ancient Roman law & how did it apply to parenting?
4. What does it mean “that you may enjoy long life on the earth?”
5. So which issue is the big issue that prevents kids from being obedient to Mom and Dad?
1. What does it mean to obey?
Obey is an interesting word, it implies the meaning of a soldier engaged in battle, obey. It’s as if they were listening carefully for the orders and instructions of the commanding officers. It’s an action verb. The word Paul uses here is the Greek word teknia, and it does NOT imply little ones. When Paul tells us to teknia—obey, Paul is telling ALL CHILDREN to obey command.
So what am I saying? What is the Bible saying? I am saying that if someone lives at home, whether they are 12, 15, 18, 24, 32, whatever, they are to obey their parent’s demands as if they are commanding orders. Now, I am not saying that you have to be thrilled with that, but it is correct…and now you know.
So, if they say
Keep your bedroom clean, If you don’t you’re not obeying.
Wash the car, if you don’t you’re not obeying.
Don’t give me no lip if you don’t you’re not obeying. Get the picture?
2. What if your parents tell you to do something that is contrary to scripture?
Our first actions as people are to obey God, then we are supposed to obey our parents—in that order. I don’t know what else to say about that. If your Mom says go steal for your food tonight…NO. If your Dad says “it’s time for you to learn how to cuss son,” well, you shouldn’t.
But as simple as this situation is to decipher, believe it or not there are some unusual circumstances that do come up…
“Child, tell them you’re age is 11 so we get the discount price on the movie.”
“Child, I need you to drive us to the concert, Mom and Dad are gonna do some drinking.”
(Leaders, it’s probably wise NOT to ask for examples here, especially in the middle school classes, so if you do use fabulous wisdom here).
3. What is the ancient Roman law & how did it apply to parenting?
Now I know that I am stretching on this a bit, because the old laws really do not matter to today’s age. I get that. But, if we did a small compare and contrast, maybe we could learn something. So here it goes…
There was a Roman law called pairia potestas, it meant “father’s power.” What it meant was that literally a father had absolute authority over his family, what the Dad said went no matter what. The Dad would make the kids work in the fields, he could sell them as slaves, they could even inflict death if he thought it was necessary.
Now, I am not wishing to have those types of laws back, I am glad borderline abuse is now over. But, what if Dad’s had that kind of power. Just think about it for a second, if a 12 year old boy knew he could be tossed aside, would the typical boy act the way they do currently?
Would they:
Refuse to do their homework, refuse to do chores, refuse to go to bed at night, refuse to even wake themselves up in the morning, I mean come on!
Now, I don’t think so.
4. What does it mean “that you may enjoy long life on the earth?”
I don’t want to spend a ton of time on this, but at no point does this mean that if you obey Mom and Dad that you live for a long time. The religious leaders never ever translated that. The rabbis taught that this refers to the quality of life—not the quantity.
Many years ago, I had the unfortunate scenario of dealing with the death of a HS student, which is the hardest kind of death to deal with for certain. I don’t want to spend a lot of time going over the details on this scenario, but I will tell you what was said by my friend and head pastor over this daughter’s deathbed. He said, “many people judges a persons life by their number of days, but that measuring stick is in vain. No, a person’s life is measured by the lives of people they touched.”
Now, I don’t know exactly how life is measured or if it is measured at all by any standards. But personally I agree to what was said.
5. So which issue is the big issue that prevents kids from being obedient to Mom and Dad?
Leaders, ask the following question:
WHAT IS THE BIGGEST SIN CHILDREN DO TO THEIR PARENTS?
Now read this:
LYING
Penn State researcher Dr. Nancy Darling reports 98% of teens reported lying to their parents in a recent study. They lied about what they spent their allowances on, whether they’d started dating, what clothes they put on away from the house, what movie they went to, and whom they went with. They lied about alcohol and drug use, about whether they were hanging out with friends their parents disapproved of, about how they spent their afternoons while their parents were at work, about whether chaperones were in attendance at a party or whether they rode in cars driven by drunken teens. Yet 98% of teens say trust and honesty are essential in a personal relationship. Depending on their ages, 96 to 98% say lying is morally wrong.
What’s happening? A child who is going to lie must recognize the truth, intellectually conceive of an alternate reality, and be able to convincingly sell that new reality to someone else. So, if your four-year-old is a good liar, it’s a strong sign she’s got brains. And it’s the smart, savvy kid who’s most at risk of becoming a habitual liar. The most disturbing reason children lie is that parents teach them to. When adults are asked to keep diaries of their own lies, they admit to about one lie per every social interaction, which works out to one per day on average. Encouraged to tell so many white lies and hearing so many others, children gradually get comfortable with being disingenuous.
(Source: New York Magazine, 2/10/08)
Sources:
Dumbcriminals.com. Take Your Kid to Work, Friday, January 20th, 2012.
Dumbcriminals.com. I Prefer Sue, January 8th, 2012.
Gavaghan, Julia. Mailonline. Hooked on Chicken McNuggets, January 27, 2012.
Taylor, Ed. Sermoncentral.com. God’s Plans for Parents and Kids.
EXTRAS FOR LEADERS:
The following is from gotquestions.org.
Question: "How do you balance leave and cleave with honoring your parents?"
Answer: Both Christian parents and their married children can have difficulty with the balance between the concept of “leave and cleave” and honoring parents. Some pertinent Bible passages: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" (Ephesians 6:1). "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you" (Exodus 20:12). There are three aspects to the statement of Genesis 2:24: 1. Leave - This indicates that in a family there are two types of relationships. The parent-child relationship is the temporary one and there will be a “leaving.” The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one—“what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6). Problems occur in family life when these two roles are reversed and the parent-child relationship is treated as the primary relationship. When an adult child has married and this parent-child relationship remains primary, the newly formed union is threatened. 2. Cleave - the Hebrew word translated “cleave” refers to (1) the pursuing hard after someone else and (2) being glued or stuck to something/someone. So a man is to pursue hard after his wife after the marriage has occurred (the courtship should not end with the wedding vows) and is to be “stuck to her like glue.” This cleaving indicates such closeness that there should be no closer relationship than that between the two spouses, not with any former friend or with any parent. 3. And they shall become one flesh - Marriage takes two individuals and creates a new single entity. There is to be such sharing and oneness in every aspect (physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, social) that the resulting unity can be best described as “one flesh.” Again, when there is greater sharing and emotional support gained from a continuing parent-child relationship than from the husband-wife relationship, the oneness within the marriage is being threatened, resulting in an unbiblical imbalance. With these three aspects of Genesis 2:24 in mind, there are also the scriptural admonitions to honor one’s parents. This includes treating them with a respectful attitude (Proverbs 30:11,17), obeying them when their commands are in keeping with God’s laws (“in the Lord” Ephesians 6:1), and taking care of them as they get older (Mark 7:10-12; 1 Timothy 5:4-8). The line between these two commands is drawn where one is being asked to comply with one principle in such a way that it will violate the other principle or command. When the meddling of a parent violates the “leaving” because it is treating the parent-child relationship as primary (demanding obedience, dependence, or emotional oneness over the desires of, dependence upon, or oneness with the spouse), it should be respectfully rejected and the spouse’s desires honored. However, when there are genuine needs of an aging parent (either physical or emotional, assuming the emotional “need” does not supersede the “leaving” principle), that need is to be met, even if one’s spouse does not “like” the parent-in-law. Biblical love toward the aging parent is given based on choosing to do the loving thing, even when one does not feel like doing it. The balance between these scriptural mandates is similar to the command to obey those in authority (Romans 13) and the example of the apostles violating that principle when the authority figures ask them to act contrary to God’s mandates. In Acts 4:5-20, the apostles rejected the Jewish authorities’ demand to stop preaching the gospel because their command violated God’s, but the apostles did so in a respectful manner. Similarly, Jesus says we are to honor our parents but that the parent-child relationship is secondary to our relationship with Christ (Luke 14:26). In like manner, when parents violate Genesis 2:24 principles, the parents should be respectfully disobeyed. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, a spouse’s desires should be overlooked if he/she is unwilling to expend the time, energy, and finances required to meet the needs of an aging parent; keeping in mind that one must distinguish true physical and emotional needs from the “felt needs” of an overbearing, demanding parent.
Question: "How do we honor an abusive parent?" Answer: One of the thorniest questions that a Christian may be asked or have to face up to is how to honor an abusive parent as required by God in the fifth of the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:12). It would be so much easier if God had asked only that we honor our parents if they are good, kind and loving to us, but this commandment says honor your father and mother, period. There are many, many hurt and damaged people who find this nearly impossible to obey. The word “abuse” is wide-ranging in its definition. A child can be brought up well clothed and fed with all its needs supplied except the all-important need for love and approval. No physical harm is ever done to him, yet, as each year goes by, his spirit shrivels up inside him more and more, as a plant will shrivel without sunlight, desperate for the smallest demonstration of affection, until he becomes a seemingly normal adult, yet is crippled inside by the indifference of his parents. Then again, a child's spirit may be broken at an early age—even though he suffers no physical abuse—by being constantly told that he is useless and a waste of space who will never be good for anything. Everything he attempts is sneered at until he gives up trying to do anything at all. Because very young children naturally believe what their parents say about them, the child who suffers this treatment will gradually withdraw into himself, retiring behind an invisible wall and simply existing rather than living. These are the children who grow up never suffering physically at the hands of their parents but nevertheless crippled in their spirits. They find it difficult to make friends and are unable to relate normally to other adults. What is described above are the more subtle forms of child abuse, and, moving on from this, there is, of course, the obvious kind—the child who is neglected, kicked and beaten and, worse still, sexually abused. Now comes the big question: how to obey God's commandment to honor parents who behave with such cruelty to their own children. The first thing to remember is that God is our loving Heavenly Father who does not just slap down a rule and sit back waiting for us to obey it, but whose rules are there for one reason only—our ultimate good. If we truly desire to obey Him no matter how impossible it seems, He is willing and anxious to help us find the way. First and foremost, of course, we must develop a loving, trusting relationship with our Heavenly Father which may be extremely difficult for those who have never known what it is to love and trust. Those in this position must just take one small step and say to God in their heart “I want to learn to love and trust you—please help me.” He will move to answer, because that heart cry from one of His children is all He needs. He is the only one who can change emotions and attitudes and mend damaged relationships and broken hearts (Luke 4:18). Once this relationship with Him is established, we can confidently go to Him and pour out our problems to Him, knowing that He will hear and answer (1 John 5:14-15). It will not be long before any child of God willing to trust Him in this way will begin to sense the Holy Spirit at work on his heart. God will take the heart that has been turned to stone by an abusive childhood and begin His wonderful saving work of turning that heart into one of flesh and feeling (Ezekiel 36:26). The next step is to be willing to forgive. This again will seem to be utterly impossible, especially for those who have suffered the worst kind of abuse, but with God ALL things are possible (Mark 10:27). Bitterness will have sunk into the souls of these tragic victims like iron, yet there is nothing the Holy Spirit cannot soften if the person concerned is willing. All that is necessary is to daily bring the situation before the Father of all mercies and talk to Him about how, from a human viewpoint, it is impossible that such wicked behavior, particularly from parents who were entrusted to love and nurture us as children, could ever be forgiven. There is no need to be afraid to admit to God a total inability to forgive because it seems to us to come under the heading of sin. It is true that unforgiveness is sin, but that is only deliberate unforgiveness, where we have set our hearts like flint and vowed that never again will we ever consider forgiveness for those who have hurt us so badly. A child of God going to his Father for help with something he cannot do for himself will find not an angry, threatening God with a big stick waiting for him, but a Father who has only a heart full of overwhelming love, compassion, mercy and a desire to help. Once the Holy Spirit has gently and tenderly begun His healing work on us, we will find ourselves looking at our parents in a different light. Perhaps the Spirit may reveal that the parents concerned, or at least one of them, were treated the same way themselves in childhood and either have no idea of what they have done to us emotionally, or were themselves neglected and beaten and their treatment of us was the outlet of a tremendous buildup of anger. Even if there was no reason behind their behavior and their treatment was simply an outlet for their pleasure in cruelty to helpless victims, God requires that we go to Him for help to forgive so that our own souls and spirits will not become gradually poisoned and twisted by the root of bitterness that unforgiveness produces, which will sink itself deeper and deeper into our hearts and minds as time goes on. There are incredible testimonies from those who suffered unbelievable cruelty and lack of love at their parents' hands and yet—having learned to depend utterly on the mercy and strength of Almighty God—they have gradually found healing for their hearts and spirits and forgiveness and a loving attitude towards their parents. In releasing their parents to God in this way, they saw their parents also begin to change, and the glorious ending to the story was a loving family happily united under God. Ephesians 6:2-3 tells us, "Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."