We are looking at the building blocks of faithful families in our series; and this week we’re gonna look at the topic of discipline. About twenty some years ago when Beth and I were just starting on this journey called parenting, we hosted a family conference here at Southeast that was very helpful to us. And if I were to boil down the most beneficial concept that I learned that entire weekend, it would have to be the lesson that I received on the four stages of parenting. Countless times I have referred and returned to that topic because it helped me to pave the way in raising and releasing our kids into adulthood. And it was Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo who were talking, and they talked about these four stages.
So you might want to take notes today, but I just want you to understand the importance of every stage and how you must progress through those. If you miss a stage, you have to go back and basically cover it again. It’s kind of like in baseball, if you’re rounding second and heading toward third but you miss second base, well, you have to go back and touch second base before you can advance onto third. And that’s how it is with these stages.
Let me share them with you. The first stage is that of discipline—birth to five years of age. This may be the most important. Your primary goal as a parent is to establish your right to lead their little lives. It’s a stage of tight boundaries and there are limited freedoms. And your task is to get control of your child so that you can effectively train them.
The second stage is that of training—six to twelve. Don’t get hung up on exact numbers, but this gives you some idea. This is when you are seizing every opportunity. You are training alongside of them. You are hand in hand. You’re trying to give them more opportunities, but you are right there beside them. You can stop the game at any time, at any point, and offer instruction.
Now if you have done the discipline stage well, then it is not a daily battle at this stage of training of who is in charge. Your children know at this point that it’s not up for debate any more if you have taught them the discipline stage.
The next stage that you progress through is the stage that we will call coaching—ages thirteen through nineteen. This is a time when our children are in the game of life for themselves. We can send plays in from the sidelines; we can huddle up during time-outs, but we can no longer stop the game for extended periods of time and show them how to act and how to treat others. They now progressively are learning to call the plays themselves and to move forward, and parents are an active resource during this time as they provide assistance to them.
The final stage is the one that we’re all working towards relationally, and that is friendship—twenty and older. This is the crown. This is the reward. It is the relational goal of our parenting, and that is friendship with our children. This is a new season of life when our kids become adults and they become our friends.
Now in the friendship stage the parent/child relationship does not cease. It’s just that the parent and child relationship enters into a new stage—a new season of life. It is a disciple-making relationship that has progressed through the years, and it now culminates in this form of friendship.
But beware that there are a number of permissive parents who make the mistake of trying to enter the friendship stage earlier than they should. It may be when the child is six. It might be when they’re twelve. It may be when they’re sixteen. And they try to be their child’s buddy. But you are not your child’s buddy. You are to be their parent. And if you can remember that and work your way through those stages, you will know when the time for friendship is right. You can be close to them. You can do things that friends do together. But they are looking to you to be their parent.
So keep plodding through those stages. We can harm our children by trying to be their friend when they still need a trainer or a coach. You are not their peer; you are their parent. And like me, you probably have made some mistakes in your parenting. I make mistakes every day, every week. We all have. But there come times where we have to regroup and we have to refocus.
You know, I don’t enjoy reading parenting books that make me feel guilty. I don’t like listening to sermon series that I walk out of and I say, “You know what? I will never measure up.” And I hope this one is different in that instead you’ll walk out of these services and you will say, “You know what? I can do this. I can do this with God’s help. I can do this if I really come back to God’s Word and rely upon Him.”
Now with those four stages as a backdrop, we’re going to spend our time today talking about the discipline stage, realizing why consistent discipline is so pivotal of a stage in this process.
Now for some of you, as soon as you saw the title of this message, immediately you tensed up. And in your mind you thought, “Oh, man! Discipline!” because it has a negative connotation in your mind, because your parents disciplined you out of anger and there was no rhyme or reason or consistency to it. The discipline depended upon the mood that your mom was in or it depended upon how little or how much your father had to drink. So you grew up vowing that you would not discipline the same way. But in your effort to avoid some unhealthy motives or methods, you’ve been guilty of avoiding any discipline, and you just kind of checked out and passivity prevails. As opposed to being a domineering dictator, you’ve swayed to the opposite extreme.
But can I tell you today that there is a third option? That is to be consistent and fair. That is to, at times, practice tough love but also tender love. That is to have both truth and grace. And faithful families establish consistent discipline.
So let me just try to walk through this topic, and we’ll talk about the “Why?” the “Who?” and the “How?” when it comes to consistent discipline.
First, “Why discipline?” It’s consistent with God’s heart. The Bible teaches that God disciplines each of us. Discipline grows out of love. Hebrews 12:5 and 6 says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves.”
You see, God is the very essence of consistency. His universe screams it. The sun rises and sets on the reliability of the Lord. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are in complete unity, consistent in their expression of who God is.
Malachi 3:1 says, “I, the Lord, do not change.”
Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”
And parents, you need to know that the way you discipline shapes your child’s view of God. It is another model or way or pattern to show a healthy relationship with the Lord and to encourage your children to follow in God’s ways.
I mean, think about the two words here: discipline and disciple. They both come from the same root word and the end goal is the same: “Coming alongside to teach, to train and to model.” That’s why God sent Jesus to show us the way. It sounds kind of like what we as parents are trying to do with our kids. And God disciplines us because He loves us and wants us to grow in His image and likeness. We discipline our children because we love them as well.
I love that story…it actually was a cartoon that I saw some time ago. It had a picture of a dad talking to his wife, and in the background his son was down on his knees, praying. The father was saying to his wife, “How am I supposed to discipline him when he continues to yell, ‘Lord God of Israel, have mercy on me?!’”
Well, we discipline our children because we love our children. Child psychologist Brenda Hunter says this: “Remember that the wild two-year-old, if undisciplined, will become the surly six-year-old. If left untamed he may become the uncontrolled teenager who breaks your heart.” So take charge now.
Well, the next question is, “Who? Who disciplines?” It seems like a pretty normal answer to that. It’s obvious. It’s Mom and Dad’s responsibility. But these days I need to remind you of that, because there are a lot of parents that abdicate the responsibility when it comes to discipline and they let somebody else do it or else it doesn’t get taken care of. Whether you are a single parent or whether you have been married for years, being consistent in your discipline is an ongoing challenge. If an unacceptable behavior is allowed one day but disciplined the next, your child will become confused. Over time, confusion leads to chaos. And if as a parent your bark is worse than your bite, then your child will quickly realize that you threaten but that you don’t follow through.
Grandparents, at times you may be involved in disciplining your grandchildren if you have your kids’ permission to do that, if you have the parents’ blessing. The same is true with babysitters. At times they are invited to be a part of that process. But never discipline or punish a child when you are angry. It sends the wrong message. It fractures your relationship. Fear may elicit obedience, but it will only last as long as you are bigger than they are. So make certain that you think it through, that you pray about it, that you are under control.
You have different bargaining tools based upon the child’s age or temperament. Children are innately curious and inquisitive. Very early on a child will start to test the limits, and they’ll start pushing boundaries. It’s an innate desire to try to test the system, to find out where the lines have been drawn and what freedoms they have. So you make certain that you communicate your expectations clearly, because kids inherently want and need boundaries. Now they would never say that to you out loud, but they long for the security that comes from those boundaries. And discipline and structure communicate compassion and concern, regardless of the age of your children, and parents who skip through the discipline stage in an effort to become their child’s friend are building the future on a fragile foundation for their family.
Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”
So teach them to obey the first time you say something. This models for them the expectation that God has for them, too. Your child needs to know that disobedient actions have consequences. Parents, you have a God-given authority to lead, direct and discipline your children.
I want you to watch this video. I asked several questions of parents to talk about this particular topic of discipline. Watch…watch this with me.
Video begins
Chris and Sara: (Chris speaking) It’s amazing. You get married, and it becomes less about you; and then you have kids, and it becomes almost nothing about you.
Esther: How can we obey our Heavenly Father? You know, He expects us to obey immediately, and we should really teach our children from the early age to obey right away.
Lance and Kisa: (Lance speaking) You can get caught up in the moment and you can start administering, you know, a punishment that is probably, you know, too much for…you know… But it’s the accumulation of things that you’re thinking about, whereas the child’s just thinking about what they did five minutes ago.
Karissa: I remember going without sleep and just really doubting myself and how consistent I was being, that maybe I should just let them off the hook and maybe I should just let it go a lot of times. And now that my kids are in junior high and high school, I can see that the consistency is beginning to pay off, which I will…I didn’t know that when they were younger. I couldn’t have seen that far down the road.
Michael Kast (Southeast Family Minister): I think you know when you’re a successful parent whenever your kids are raising their children to know and love the Lord. Because then not only are they following in your footsteps and your tradition, but they’ve taken the faith on themselves; and then they, in turn, are raising their children with the values that they feel are really important.
Lance and Kisa: (Kisa speaking) Providing a united front is so important and imperative because the kids, like the books say, they can…they can see a kink in the chain. They can see when one is swaying one side versus the other. So what we do is, you know, we’ll allow that parent to parent, you know, in front of the kids, and then I’ll take Lance back to the room and tell him what he did wrong. (Laughter) And then…then life is good.
Esther: They’re more likely to obey if you say it with love than if you say it with anger.
Karissa: I believe very strongly, though, that when the kids are in grade school, if you are consistent and faithful, that you will reap that harvest later of them honoring God.
Chris and Sara: We were all over at the Stones, and somebody was knocking at the door; and Dave asked Sadie to go get the door. Well, she was in the middle of a conversation…and (he) never raised his voice…didn’t think anything of it. Well, we were kind of in a tradition of…after the Bible Study had cleared out, we used to hang around and watch American Idol with the Stones for about fifteen/twenty minutes…the first couple clips. And Sadie was like the ringleader of it. I mean, she absolutely loved the show. So, all of a sudden, when everybody was cleared out, Sadie was walking up to her room. We were like, “Sadie, where you going?” and she just kind of…you know…put her head down and didn’t really have anything to say. And Beth looked at us and said, “Uh, she didn’t obey when Dave had asked her to answer the door the first time, and there are consequences associated with that.” And Sara and I looked at each other like, “Wow!” You know, that’s hard core. (Laughter)
Video ends
Our tech crew was filming that interview, and I came into the room toward the end of Chris telling that story; and I’d totally forgotten about it. And that night I asked Beth if she remembered that and she said, “No, I don’t remember that at all.” And I asked Sadie. Sadie remembered every detail of it, just like Chris did. (Laughter)
Now you hear that story and, depending upon your age and where you are in life… You know, kids, you watch that and you say, “Oh, man! What a mean dad,” you know? Some of you say, “Well, he’s a good dad.” And then those of you who don’t have kids yet are saying, “That’s hard core,” you know? I understand that. But let me underscore. This is one of the reasons you don’t need to be their friend at this stage. You need to establish early on your God-given responsibility to lovingly call the shots in their life.
Let me explain the rationale behind it. If your child learns to obey their earthly parents the first time, then it becomes an easier transition to obey their Heavenly Father when He asks them to do something the first time.
Let me illustrate. A number of years ago our family was in the Dominican Republic on a mission trip. And if you’ve ever been to a developing country then you realize it…I mean, there’s danger everywhere just because they don’t have OSHA. They don’t have different systems that are in place to protect. So, I mean, the angels work overtime in a lot of these different underdeveloped countries. And vehicles will whizz by, coming within just a few feet of people or children. And one night my son Sam was playing a game. And he was six years old, and he was in his own little world. It was late at night. It was pitch black outside. And he would walk up on the sidewalk, and then he would zigzag; and he would walk down in the road, and he would walk back and forth. And he just kind of weaved his way back and forth every three seconds. And I was walking about ten feet behind him. And in the DR there is constantly music playing, just as loud as can be. And it wasn’t a heavily traveled road. I was about ten feet away from him on the other side of the street. And all of a sudden, in the darkness I just yelled, “Samuel, don’t move!” and immediately he froze. And about one second later a moped zipped past right where he was getting ready to step going about thirty miles per hour with no lights on. And it just sailed right past where he was about to step. Now I’m glad he didn’t ignore me. I’m glad he didn’t go ahead and take the step and say, “Do I have to?” I’m glad he didn’t argue. I’m glad he didn’t blatantly disobey. I said, “Freeze!” and he froze. And that obedience probably saved his life.
Evidently Solomon meant it when he said in Proverbs 19:18, “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope. Do not be a willing party to their death.”
So you might not understand this, kids, but why we discipline you is because it’s for life. We value life. We value long life. And that moment of obedience in the DR…it wasn’t a fluke. It didn’t happen automatically. We had worked on it for years. It was the result of plenty of failures, plenty of mistakes, and training and disciplining Sam in plenty of non-threatening situations as he was learning to trust us.
And Sam made plenty of mistakes. Years before there had been plenty of times when he didn’t freeze when we asked him to stop. But we had to keep repeating our expectation and God’s expectation. And really this is a lesson in trust. That’s what it is. It’s trust more than obedience. He came to the point of trusting that we had his best interest at heart, and then when it counted he passed the test. Consistency always pays off.
Hebrews 12:11 says this: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
As a parent, typically your requests are not up for debate. But in some settings there may be some discussion—given the right spirit and the right time. There’s a difference between discussing and arguing. And as your kids get older allow them that opportunity to make an appeal and listen to their rationale. Allow them to make a case for the Why? You might gain new information that you didn’t have before. It might change your mind. But if you say that there is a consequence and they deserve a consequence, you make certain that you follow through. If the parents have no backbone when it comes to discipline, then the home will have no peace. So train your child. Begin when they’re toddlers.
And understand this: The good news is that disciplining and training your child doesn’t have to be exhausting or frustrating. It just has to be consistent. Because you’re preparing them to obey for when their Heavenly Father asks them to do something.
Well, let’s look at one more area: How do we discipline? The Biblical way, the way the Bible teaches. Proverbs 13:24 says, “The one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” And, parents, in order to have that right to discipline them you have got to become involved in your child’s world. You are not a dictator administering directives, punishment and discipline. You are forging a relationship with your child. And the closer the bond that you have with your child, the easier it becomes for them to accept your discipline.
I heard this line years ago, and it’s always stuck with me. Josh McDowell says it like this. He says, “Rules without a relationship lead to rebellion.” “Rules without a relationship lead to rebellion.”
Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not a friendship yet. It’s a relationship in which you are interested. It’s a relationship in which you are involved and you are invested. And countless times I have repeated that phrase to myself as a reminder just to make certain to keep the communication lines open and to invest more in the relationship than the expectation.
And the truth be known, my wife, on countless occasions, has pulled me aside in the midst of a discussion with one of our kids and said, “Settle down. Settle down. You don’t want to affect the relationship. You’ve got to keep that communication line open.” And part of the reason I have a good relationship with my kids... (Dave tearing up) is because my wife realized, “You know what? You can get out of control real quickly because you want to win the argument.” But if in so doing, by winning the argument, I lose that relationship with my kid, then I’ve lost. So I’m thankful for a wife that’s helped me with that.
Our daughter Savannah is in town; she just got in with the grandbaby yesterday. And to say that I’m pumped up would be an understatement. (Laughter) But she’s coming to worship next hour, and I’m so excited for her to take little John Ryman to the nursery. I shared with you last week in the sermon…I said that, you know, at her church they will text her if the child starts crying. If they have a need, they just text the mom. So I can’t wait—please don’t tell her this—but next hour I’m gonna send her a text, and I’m gonna say, “This is the Southeast nursery. Your son is doing fine. He is so happy. He is so cheerful. Why would he cry? He’s in Kentucky. (Laughter) P.S. Enjoy the great sermon.” You know?
Now I know I’m giving you a lot of information today, but I want to give you four visual images which represent different ways that people parent. And three of them are very ineffective ways, but one of them is a Biblical pattern for parenting.
The first image I want you to think of when you think of parenting is the Washington Monument [show photo]. Now this is an ineffective method because nothing ever changes. Do you see how it’s the same size all the way to the top? This is where the parent allows the same amount of freedom and responsibility to their child regardless of their age. So if you allow Johnnie to only go to the end of the street when he’s four years old, Johnnie feels incredible freedom when he’s four, but when he’s fourteen it becomes incredibly frustrating. If it’s like the Washington Monument and it’s the same freedoms and the same restrictions all the way along, that’s not healthy for the child. So we don’t want to do that image.
Here’s the second image, the Leaning Tower of Pisa [show photo]. I chose this because I see a lot of parents stay the course for awhile, and then when the child objects, the parent begins leaning toward their child because they don’t want to be the heavy. So instead of staying the course, they bend and they continually give in to their child.
I remember when our firstborn Savannah was two and a half years old. Beth had gone somewhere for the afternoon. I was watching Savannah, and Savannah got up on top of this chair and she started climbing across the kitchen counter. She had her shoes on. She’d been outside. She started climbing across the kitchen counter, and she started acting like a lion and she started growling. Roar! Roar! And I just stared at her and I said, “Does Mommy let you do that?” And she said, “No, but you do.” (Laughter)
School teachers can tell in the first week of school each Fall if the child rules the roost at home. If you lean toward lenience, your child will constantly play up to you. Whether they are three or sixteen, they gravitate toward the parent that they can manipulate.
Here is the third image: It’s a pyramid [show photo]. The parent gives freedom and reasonability like a pyramid. Very broad at the bottom when they’re young, and when they realize they gave their kids too much freedom and their kids are out of control, they now try to pull it back in. And they bring the reigns in real tightly and they smother the child with rules and restrictions. So it starts out like this, and they give them so much freedom; and now they start to pull back because they realize that they made a mistake. And it finally hits the teenage years, and they pull them back so tightly that now the child rebels because of the fact that they realize that the parent has gone overboard. You want this to be a progressive releasing…which leads us to the fourth and final image.
And I think you’ll like this one. It’s an ice cream cone [show photo]. It’s the one that we should be shooting for. Think of the cone at the bottom. The goal is to provide responsibilities and freedom that are very tight when they’re very young—just like an ice cream cone. At the base the freedom is very thin, but it widens as you go up. So you give your child small amounts of freedom when they’re young, gradually more as they prove themselves to be responsible as they mature. And in this method you are repeating, you are encouraging, you are disciplining, and there are a lot of rules at the start. That’s a good thing. But then they get more and more freedom and responsibility as they branch out.
Every time you see an ice cream cone I want you to think about the Biblical pattern of parenting. It’s found in Matthew 25 where it says, “You have been faithful with a few things and now I will put you in charge of many things.” That’s the pattern for parenting.
Now a few tips on discipline… Make certain you discipline in private. Don’t call your child out in public. Be certain that the consequence matches the infraction. Be patient. Hear them out. Listen to them. My friend Chip Ingram says, “The parent who balances love and discipline without compromising either produces well-adjusted kids who maintain a positive relationship with Mom and Dad.”
Can I remind you? We’re all gonna make mistakes. No one’s got this figured out. It is a daily, daily process of prayer and of working alongside of your child. It will take work. But when it comes to your parenting, God is more concerned with your direction than He is your perfection. There are no perfect parents and there are no perfect children. And that’s why we come back to God’s Word for all of our directives.
Next hour I’ve got my parents coming in town. I’ve got my daughter in town. I’ve got my grandbaby in town. My two daughters are in that friendship stage with me right now. My son is in the coaching phase right now. And can I just say to you that in spite of all the parenting mistakes I’ve made, all the battles of will, all the discipline, all the training—can I just say to you…it is worth it? And when you get to that friendship stage, you are reminded that God has been involved in the process all the way from the start, that you are raising these children to release them so that they, in turn, can continue the legacy as that family tree branches out, as they pass Christ onto their children and their children and their children. Let’s pray.
Father in heaven, we hold onto Your Word and we hold onto the encouragement that we find in Proverbs 22 to “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And we know that’s not a promise, but we know that’s a principle. And so we take it to heart and we try to put that into practice. Lord, help us to be the parents that You have called us to be. It’s in Christ’s name we pray. Amen.
God’s Word has all the answers for us as God’s children. And if you’ve never turned your life over to Jesus Christ, we invite you to do that today. There are others of you who have already given your life to Christ. Maybe you’ve been attending a church somewhere else. Maybe you moved here from out of town. Maybe it’s time for you to say, “I want to commit to being a part of this church family.” Whatever that spiritual decision might look like for you as the next step in your walk with Christ, you can make that decision today. Just meet me down front as we stand together and as we sing.
Unless otherwise noted: "Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. 2012, Southeast Christian Church of Jefferson County, Kentucky, Inc. Provided by license agreement for non-commercial use by authorized users only.
Accompanying Resources for the series by Dave Stone:
Raising Your Kids to Love the Lord (2012 Dave Stone, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
Building Family Ties with Faith, Love & Laugher (2012 Dave Stone, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
How to Raise Selfless Kids in a Self-Centered World (2013 Dave Stone, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
www.pastordavestone.com; www.southeastchristian.org
