In sympathy, we may tend to take their part against the pastor, the church or whoever they blame for the offense. This is very unwise and an unscriptural thing to do, considering that your friend may be the cause of his own/her offense, or trying to drag you out of faith.
His/her hurt feelings may be due to a misunderstanding, a difference of opinion, his own rebellious attitude, emotional instability — or he may be childish and immature. There are always two sides to a story, and only an idiot develops an opinion based on one side or without all the facts. Sometimes offended persons will seek sympathy from naive, listening ears. They go about pleading their case, pouring out their bleeding-heart of injustice to those sincere, tenderhearted persons who will listen, but may never have the opportunity of listening to the other side of the story.
Their goal is to seek out persons who will coddle them, support their opinion and take up their offense against the offending party, so to say. You should love and encourage a friend with hurt feelings, but reserve your opinion and avoid taking sides, lest you find yourself a partaker in other men’s sins, or you also become offended and hurt with the individuals or the church. Matt. 18:15-17 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. “But if he will not hear you, take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church.
But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector”.
Friend doesn’t that seem to have settle the matter? Instead many will go outside the Church, blow the issue out proportion seeking emotional support from unsuspecting sympathizers.When someone has wronged you, Jesus says that you are to first go to them and confront them privately between yourselves. Most offenses in the church result from misunderstandings, and many could be quickly resolved if offended parties would just go to the source and find out the facts.
Unfortunately, some offended people will just absorb the offense silently, while growing bitter and resentful. It is important to God, and a matter of obedience to His Word, that such issues are confronted so that (1) you will not become bitter and withdraw from the church, (2) that the offender is held accountable to not repeat his offenses which could harm the faith of others, and (3) so that the offender who has perpetrated sin might be reconciled with God. If they are uncooperative with your first private effort, you are to try a second time, taking witnesses with you. Finally, if no success, turn it over to church leadership.
You should never take one side of a story and accept it as fact without verifying it with the other party. There are always two sides to a story. The scriptures address this very problem, that before we believe a rumor, we are to investigate thoroughly, to verify all the facts. “...then you shall inquire, search out, and ask diligently... if it is indeed true and certain that such an abomination was committed among you...” Deut. 13:14. Without doubt, it is not possible to have a relationship with a group of people without occasional misunderstandings and offenses. And unless you will commit yourself to confront these issues in the way Jesus described, you will become hurt in the church or wherever you go.
The problem with most people is that they build up unreasonable expectations of the church which is very wrong and unscriptural. Read what the psalmist says in this passage; “My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him” (Psa. 62:5).
Putting much pressure on the Church and the leaders often result to disappointment the definition of disappointment is “the failure to attain one’s expectations.” Don’t expect things from the church or the minister that they can’t deliver, or that the Bible doesn’t teach for them to do. Many expectations have to do with preconceived “traditions” which we have come to associate with a church; perhaps from another fellowship we once attended or grew up in, etc. It’s a good idea to meet with the pastor and ask what you can expect of his ministry and the church.
Occasionally people get disappointed when they find out their church can’t supply all their earthly needs. Most ministers and churches do attempt to help people in every way they can – especially the needy during crisis and emergencies. But some people come to expect the church to meet all their material needs or pay their bills like the early church did. Unfortunately, this just isn’t possible unless everyone agrees to sell all their property and possessions and give them to the church like the early believers (Acts 4:34-35). Most churches would be blessed if every one merely paid their tithes, however statistics show that only a small percentage of churchgoers give a full tithe regularly.
Neither is it realistic to expect the pastor to spend all his time with you, to attend every social function, or for him to show you constant attention. Instead, learn to place your expectations upon God — He will always be faithful to His promises in His Word and will never let you down.
Whatever you do, don't give up on the church. God requires you to be faithful to it and to be accountable to its spiritual leaders. (Heb 10:25; 13:17). If you have been hurt there, don't run away – but equip yourself with the protection of God's Word, unless otherwise a change of Church is necessary. You may not be able to stop offensive things from happening, but by applying God's principles you can stop them from hurting you. "Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them" (Psa. 119:165 KJV).
Whatever you do, don't give up on the church. God requires you to be faithful to it and to be accountable to its spiritual leaders. Heb10:25; 13:17.
If you have been hurt there, don't run away – but equip yourself with the protection of God's Word. It is remarkable to consider that the Apostle Paul — the great author of scripture — openly confessed that he was not perfect. Like us, he experienced struggles in his flesh to do the right things. If one of the leading authors of scripture and apostles of the early church admitted to this, it should not seem too strange if we find other brothers and sisters in the church struggling with imperfections too. Since churches are made up of people like you and me who have imperfections, there will never be such a thing as a perfect church.
Unless people understand this, they’ll have an unrealistic view of the church, and will eventually become disillusioned and hurt.
One of the jobs of the church ministry is to help perfect the saints — like a spiritual hospital, where people go to get well. Instead of resenting persons in the church for their flaws, be thankful they’re there trying to grow in Christ to get better. Learn to love and accept people for what they are — they’re not any more perfect than you are. Just as it has been said of beauty, imperfection is in the eye of the beholder. A person with a negative attitude can find fault wherever they wish. The well adjusted person in the church should seek out the good and encouraging things as the Bible teaches (Phil. 4:8). Those who dwell on the negative or continually find fault with the church will eventually get hurt.
Have a humble and meek attitude like Christ Matt. 11:29, Rom. 12:3. Besides being obnoxious, pride and arrogance will set you up for a fall Prov. 16:18. Don’t promote yourself, campaign or strive to attain an appointed or elected position. God is the one who puts persons in such positions, and unless He does it, stay away from it. Avoid an attitude of competition which creates conflict in unity. A competitive attitude compares self with others, and strives to rise above that comparison 2 Cor. 10:12. We are even told to “prefer” our brother above ourselves. “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another” (Rom. 12:10). Competition between churches and Christians is dangerous and can lead to a state of no return.
Prov. 6:16-19. Let’s hear this writer out and learn few things from what he had to say;
“These six things the LORD hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren”.One of the things that God dislikes most are those who sow discord — who create division and strife in the body of Christ. Don’t be a gossip, a complainer, or stir up turmoil. If you’re displeased with the church or anyone in some way, offer your help to make improvements, pray for it, or as a last resort, find another church you’re happier with — but never become a source of agitation or hindrance.
Don’t badmouth a man of God — if you do so, you’re asking for problems. One time when Paul was punished for preaching the Gospel, he unknowingly condemned Ananias, the high priest, who had ordered the apostle slapped.
However, when Paul realized who he was, he apologized for speaking against Ananias, knowing that it’s forbidden to speak against God’s representative — despite the fact that Ananias’ treatment of Paul was in error Acts 23:5. It is a serious matter to “touch” God’s anointed — either with our words or our actions.
Imperfect as they may sometimes be, they are His representatives. “He permitted no one to do them wrong; Yes, He reproved kings for their sakes, saying, “Do not touch My anointed ones, And do My prophets no harm” Psa. 105:14-15.
If a minister has done you wrong in some way, don’t incriminate yourself by responding in an unbiblical manner — don’t lash out against him, retaliate with rumors against him, or run him down behind his back. You should go and confront him privately according to the scriptural fashion described in Matthew 18:15-17. If the first and second attempts do not bring a resolution, take the matter to the spiritual body, such as the church board, or denominational overseers to whom he is accountable — any correction or discipline should be left to them. Keep in mind, an accusation against a minister is a serious matter and will not be accepted unless the matter can be substantiated by other witnesses 1 Tim. 5:19.
When things are not as they should be in the church or with its leadership, there are honorable ways to help promote improvements or resolve inequities. However, it’s unethical to oppose the church or attack its leadership, and persons who do will likely end up hurt, bitter or possibly worse. V. 2-3. He who walks uprightly, and works righteousness, and speaks the truth in his heart; He who does not backbite with his tongue, nor does evil to his neighbor, nor does he take up a reproach against his friend”
One of the great characteristics of the body of Christ is to care about the burdens and sufferings of one another. However, as we seek to console and encourage friends that have been offended, we may be tempted to take up their offense against another. In sympathy, we may tend to take their part against the pastor, his wife, Elders in church or whoever they blame for the offense. This is very unwise and an unscriptural thing to do, considering that your friend may be the cause of his/her own offense. Their hurt feelings may be due to a misunderstanding, a difference of opinion, his/her own rebellious attitude, emotional instability — or he/she may be childish and immature. There are always two sides to a story, and only an idiot develops an opinion based on one side or without all the facts on hand.
By doing this they get caught up in the middle and take side with the complainer. It is always good to pray and ask God to give you the spirit to mediate, secondly ask a lot of questions and be mature enough to view every point.
Threaten to inform the other party involved and watch the reaction of this person reporting to you. Always remember this in the corner of your mind; this same person/s may turn against next time.
