I Never Questioned God And I Won't Question Him Now
“And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation” (Exodus 34:6-7, King James Version, KJV [God's covenant with Israel]).
Greetings in the Matchless Name of Jesus,
Since my father died in '87, my mother died in '92, my brother died in '97, my sister died in '03, my nephew died in '03, my sister died in '05, my brother died in '05, my niece died in '07, my sister died in '08, my brother-in-law, of the sister, who died in '03, died in '12, my brother-in-law, of the sister, who died in '05, died in '12, my brother-in-law died in '13. Finally, when my friend died, in '13, I asked, “Why did you have to take ___?” I said his name, which was hard for me, to say. I caught myself and said, “I never questioned God and I won't question him now.
Those folks were my close family. Some of those folks were closer than the others, at different times, in my life, they seemed to come forth, more noticeable than the others, when I needed just them, only them, for their gift, from God and now I just missed them, when I needed them with their special way of doing things and saying things. In less than a week before my friend died, I told him, “I wanted to call you to come rescue me”, when we spoke of a time when I did need him to rescue me from the folks who were near me, persecuting me, nailing me to the cross, like the folks did Christ Jesus. Amazingly, he needed me more than I needed him, a week later, for my way of motivating folks to climb higher heights, in performance, for righteousness sake. He needed me at that hospital, demanding best performance, not mediocre performance.
How could he suffer a heart attack and die! My God! My God! My God!
For Christ's sake, he was in the hospital. I thought of all the campaigns of television, telling you to just get to the hospital. The commercial spots said, “Take aspirin every day as a blood thinner, so your blood will not clot up, forcing you into a heart attack”; “Pinch yourself between your thumb and index finger to stimulate yourself, so the heart attack will not get the best of you, until you get to the hospital”, “Pant like a dog, so the heart attack does not get the best of you, so you can make it to the hospital”. Well, my friend was in the hospital.
Why did the medical staff not miraculously heal him, like the commercials said, was possible, only if, you could make it to the hospital, then, you could survive. Now, we know, the truth. You must call on Jesus. My friend was spiritual.
In my friend's obituary he said he read the bible from cover to cover in grammar school, as a child. I knew he knew the Lord. Maybe, he was just ready to go because when I said, “I wanted to call you to come rescue me”, he did not say anything. Sincerity in love, bubbled up, as we held on to that brief moment of silence.
My friend knew I depended on him but he also knew I never sacrificed him, I opted always to protect him, since he broke his neck in an almost fatal car accident in '93. He survived the car accident. They said he made it through the thyroid surgery. You see, that was the reason why he was in the hospital but after the surgery, he suffered a heart attack.
My friend did not make it through the heart attack. Why did he not go to a teaching hospital, with all the high-tech equipment and motivated top performers in the field of medicine using new procedures? Why did he not go, at least to a trauma center; a hospital, with surgeons used to, quickly performing best and performing miracles, with the techniques, instruments, equipment, and the presence of God, everyday? Am I questioning God about what folks did or did not do, in a life or death situation? Did I do this each time, a beloved one died?
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I must promise myself to let go and let God, give and take away. My friend, let go and let God, take him away. One of my brothers, overheard my cry, said, “We all have to go. You have to go. I
have to go.”
Every one has to go. I know that to be true; pondering my thoughts. Instinctively, my brother wrapped me in as much warmth as he could, for he was at work, doing his job. That's what's special about him but I noticed, he said, I must go before he said he must go, and I contemplated the fear, he had in his heart, when he politely bowed out to say I must go before he said he must go.
I know it bothered him, that we all must go, more now than I ever recognized before in our talks because he did not call me when he finished work and to date I have not heard from him; over three weeks ago. We are down to the last four siblings out of ten siblings, of my parents. I live my days, not in fear but when the death of another person, whom you loved, forced you to think, on death. It became a thought process that becomes extremely, private until you circumspectly made peace, with everything.
How selfish are we, when we think of rank order dying, without name, the last man standing? I did not know until maybe five years ago that folks considered who would be the last man standing, in their private thoughts, now made public for review, until my second cousin, mentioned it to me. I thought, “___.” I said nothing and became silent. She administratively worked in oncology-advocated for the needs of cancer patients, provided awareness, in information sessions.
I never thought about the last man standing. Death is the enemy of life. Nowadays, many folks were being chased down by death and others were walking to death and refused to let death chase them down. The subject of death was no longer as morbid a talking point as once thought of.
Who can truly face death before their time to let go? Who wanted to face death before their time to let go? I just wanted to live the life—the gift of life, God gave me. I remember, Martin Luther King said, “I, like anyone else, want to live.” Or, he said something like that.
Obviously, I did not quote Martin Luther King, verbatim. Yet, he died, letting us all know that at the time he said, “I like anyone else, want to live,” he queried the possibilities of his lifespan, at that moment, he loudly questioned in his heart, for us all to hear in his speech, would he soon die or live? My sister, who died, in '03, of cancer, wanted to live. She fought to move her name up on the list to get chemotherapy and radiation, for the list was long. Another sister went to talk to a congresswoman to get her name moved up the list.
My sister was in stage four, the last stage before the body began to break-down, let go and die. Helplessly, I stayed in contact and visited, at the hospital and at her home, cleaning up, feeding her with food and talking, to her. Finally, there was nothing left that anyone could do, and she pleaded that there must be something else that could be done. Another procedure was the answer. No, there was just the waiting.
The doctor told her the chemotherapy treatments broke down her kidneys and once the kidneys broke down, there was nothing else that anyone could do. My sister was a fighter and she gave me the names of the doctors and told me what she discussed with them. Unbelievably, the pain of being ever present, calling my sister, everyday, got to me even though she was a good talker and told me about every pain, describing it, to me, for she was by profession, a retired registered nurse. I did not know what to say, what to think; I knew her pains, up close and personal, she insisted on it and continued to describe every discomfort, to me.
My other sister, did not tell me the story of her every pain, only the story of her every pill. She took so many pills and wondered why she had not died already because most of the pills had the side-effect, of a heart attack. It was not a wonder that ceased, she died of a heart attack, the side effect of the pills. She refused to give up her schedule of going to see the doctor. She went three to four times a week.
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Amazingly, the pills gave her stamina to maintain her life's schedules and routines, everyday, right up to the day she died while she sat on the edge of the bed and waited for pickup to go see her
doctor. Is there anything you would like to do before you die? One sister, stayed at home and the tell-tell signs of death began to appear, in weight loss even though she ate, hair loss after the chemotherapy and radiation treatments, were over. The other sister visited her children and grandchildren, for an extended visit but did not let them see her die; she came back to her home.
I cleaned up and cooked all her favorite meals before she went to visit her children and grandchildren, at her request. I refused to divide her belongings and place them in bags with names on them. As much as she wanted to give me something, I felt the children and grandchildren, finally, would like her gifts. When she returned, from her visit, she first decided I should stay with her for the doctor said she could pass out but then she decided she wanted to be with her girlfriend since she had spent a lot of time with me since her return.
I did not say anything and refused to fight with my sister but she wanted to fight because to fight was to live life. I did not want to fight. I wanted to be the fly on the wall, just be there, for my sister. Her girlfriend decided not to stay with her, perhaps, it was too much for her; somehow that triggered how difficult it was for us all when my mother died. She decided to stay at her home and she took care of herself.
My sister had more than enough food; all the cabinets were packed, the refrigerator and the freezers, including the deep freezer because that's what she liked to do, shop sales and talk to the buyers and managers of the grocery stores to get markdowns, she insisted on not paying top dollar for meat that was so many days old. She shopped up to the end, maybe her training as an educator made her an advocate for consumers and maybe her studies in law made her understand the reason why she practiced good choices in purchases. She insisted on it and mailed items to her children. She kept herself, involved in her life, talking to her baby daughter, all night long every night, even when I spent the night and collapsed into sleep, she stayed up and talked with her daughter until she had to go to work the next day.
I would awaken, prepare breakfast or she would, get dressed and go run errands and shop. She would not let anyone else see her or tell anyone she was near death. She only received the mail, from her neighbor. I never questioned God and I won't question him now.
There is so much to say about each one, I loved and I lost, to death. I am more sure than not, the words of wisdom, they left me with and the visions and dreams, they saw of my future, helped me along my way as I stumbled and fell and got back up as hopefully these words of an imperfect life, striving to move forward and get on with running the course set before them, will inspire those reading, to far greater heights than they presently thought or imagined possible, for all things are possible in Christ Jesus. In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. May the Lord be with you.
May the Spirit be with you. Amen. Amen. Amen.
