Scripture: 1 Samuel 25:1-35; Ephesians 4:17-32
Sermon Series - Caring for God's People
Sermon # 3 - Defusing the Anger Bomb - S. T. O. P.
INTRO:
Good morning! I am so glad that you are here today!
Radio personality, Dawson McAllister has spend the majority of adult life seeking to help teens and young adults handle the difficult issues in their lives. McAllister hosts a weekly radio station along with internet site THE HOPE LINE.COM. One of McAllister's specialties is helping young people deal with their anger issues. He has composed a list of the different reason why people say that they get angry. Listen to some of them along with his thoughts:
Shawnee wrote: “What makes me angry? Being ignored.”
Ali wrote: “Fake people and liars.”
Jake wrote: “Trying hard at something and failing.”
Ashley wrote: “I hate it when people criticize me and have no idea what I go through.”
Michael wrote: “Being nice to people, only to have them be mean to me.”
Jane wrote: “Not being able to control my emotions.”
When you feel anger, it’s easy to think you want to lash out to make up for whatever, or whoever, has hurt you. Unfortunately, we all know that anger can get out of control and become destructive, causing a ton of problems. Many learn angry behavior over many years.
When something doesn’t go the way we think it should,
we try to take control over the out of control situation with anger.
Ana wrote: “I’ve become an angry person, because I learned it from my mom, who is always getting mad at everything and yelling.
However all the anger I get I take it on myself and I start cutting myself. I don’t like to show others I’m angry for something they did, because I always think it’s my fault.” Ana, acting out in her anger, is not helping her one bit. Instead of dealing with anger in a positive way, she turns it inward, making matters all the worse. Her anger may be legitimate, but her reaction to it is not.
So why do we get angry?
#1 • We get angry when our expectations are not met. When something doesn’t go the way we think it should, we try to take control over the out of control situation with anger.
Chells wrote: “Usually I don’t get angry much…however being accused of things will set me off big time.”
#2 • We also get angry when we feel we’re being threatened. And it may or may not be a real situation. We’ve all seen a person get angry about something that isn’t a real threat at all. For example: the guy at a bar who gets in a fight with another guy because, “He looked at me funny,” when the other guy didn’t even know he was there. People carry a lot of emotional baggage into certain situations, making them feel more threatened than they need to feel.
#3 • Additionally, some angry people carry their resentments and rage around with them at all times, creating an environment that makes other people be more aggressive toward them, just enhancing the whole anger cycle. These are the kinds of people who have a very short fuse, and any number of things will set them off.
You don’t have to let anger control you.
Here are some other reasons why some people get angry. Maybe
you’ve experienced some of these:
• Grief – losing a loved one. Rudeness Tiredness
• Hunger Pain Withdrawal from drugs or some medications
• Some physical conditions, such as PMS Physical illness Mental illness
• Alcohol, some drugs, alcohol abuse, drug abuse Injustice Being teased or bullied
• Humiliation Embarrassment Deadlines
• Traffic jams Disappointment Sloppy service
• Failure Infidelity Burglary
• Financial problems Being told you have a serious illness
The fact is, just about anything can trigger an angry reaction. Monica said, “I get angry very often. And quite frankly I don’t know how to deal with my anger. I bottle it up inside and every so often it all comes out.”
Remember, even though anger will most likely be a part of the rest of your life, you don’t have to let it control you.1
Our Old Testament passage this morning is an anger story. It is a story about a time when David became so angry that he was willing to commit murder. 1 Samuel 25 tells us that David was on his way to murder every male that was either a part of Nabal's household or that working for Nabal. David had an army of 400 rugged fighting men armed to the teeth ready to annihilate Nabal and his men. David was out for blood and there was nothing that was going to stop him. Nabal and his men were finished. By in the next morning there would be dead bodies strewn all over the hillsides of Carmel. Nabal, his family and all the men who worked for him would be all be dead.
Why was David was filled with so much rage?
1. First of all David was in pain. Saul had branded him an outlaw and placed a price on his head. David had to leave his family and hide out in the wilderness. Recently, his spiritual mentor, Samuel had passed away. David's emotions were already raw to begin with as we start this story. He was already set on edge.
2. Secondly, David felt unappreciated. His soldiers had protected Nabal's workers and sheep from wild beasts and from thieves. Nabal's servants had been able to tend their sheep and goats without any fear of loss or attack. As a result, all of Nabal's sheep and goats had prospered. They had all grown fat and healthy. Nabal was in for a big pay day.
However, when Nabal's servants informed him that all of it was because of David's care, Nabal simply laughed it all off. He didn't think what David and his men had been doing was worth his time, much less any reward. He wasn't about to share any of his profits with David. David had done anything according to Nabal.
3. David also felt that his character had been insulted. Nabal had not only made fun of David's protection, he also made fun of David as a man, as a leader and as a human being. Nabal's words had been demeaning. He had insulted David's integrity and his honor. Nabal had ridiculed David and David was not going to allow anyone to ridicule him or his men.
4. David felt like his time had been wasted. David was only asking for a little pay back for providing safety for Nabal's workers and livestock and Nabal wouldn't give him anything. Nabal owned over 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats and yet this man could not spare any for David and for his men. In other words, Nabal was just plan mean, nasty and greedy. None of that set well with David. No one likes their time wasted and David was out to get some pay back. David had a sword in his hand, revenge in his heart and murder on his mind.
Nabal was just one of those people who seemed to love to provoke others, make fun of them and ridicule them. Nabal was a rich bully and knew how to push all the right buttons. Only this time, he pushed David's anger button and the fire alarms and smoke alarms were going off. David was going to war with Nabal and poor old Nabal wasn't even aware of the holocaust coming his way. He had no idea that his life was about over.
This morning, I am not going to ask any of you if you have ever gotten angry, highly upset or agitated. That would be silly. We all know this morning that there are times when we all have gotten angry. We all know at times we all have gotten hot behind the collar and most likely have lashed out with harsh words and actions.
As I read over that list that Dawson McAllister compiled, I am sure some of you thought back and were reminded of times very similar to those young people when you too got angry. Who knows, some of you may have even gotten angry this morning before you came to church. Some of you may even be feeling a little bit angry right now. If you are I am glad you are here because this morning the Lord wants to help you learn how to deal with and control your anger. So, let's get started.
Now, let's state up front and be clear of one simple truth. And that truth is this -
The emotion of anger is essentially neither good nor bad.
It is perfectly healthy and normal at times to experience anger, especially when you have felt or are feeling that you or someone you love has been mistreated or wronged. The feeling of anger is not the problem, it is what you do with the feeling of anger that makes all the difference. Anger becomes a real problem when it leads to sin and when it brings harm into the lives of others or yourself. Anger can quickly turn into bitterness, malice and hate, if it is not controlled by the Holy Spirit in our lives.
Also, let's remind ourselves that there is such a thing as healthy anger. We see this type of healthy anger being displayed by Jesus in the Temple when He turned over the money changers tables (Matthew 21:12-13). Jesus was angry because His Father's house being mishandled. Instead of people being taught how to pray, they were being robbed by the money changers. The priests in charge were more worried about making a dollar, than making sure that people had a chance to worship and pray.
You see, God gets really angry when we take His house and make it a place to simply raise money and focus on ourselves. God's house is first and foremost a place of worship and prayer. God's House is where we are called to come and uplift His name and spend time with Him. Sadly, all too often in modern day America, church has become this place dedicated to providing our own entertainment and needs. It has become a place where the focus is on making sure we feel good rather than a place where we bow our hearts and knees to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
In Ephesians 4, we see Paul writing about anger and reminding us not to allow our anger to lead us into committing acts of sin. Paul preaches that our anger must have definite time restraints. Each day we are to make sure that before the sun goes down that we are properly dealing with our anger issues (Ephesians 4:26). It doesn't mean that everything has to be resolved, but it does mean that we are already putting into place ways to deal with our anger. It means that anger is no being allowed to fester into bitterness, hate and malice.
What we want to look this morning is how we can make sure that our anger does not morph into unhealthy anger. What we want to look at are some ways we can handle our times of anger. What we want to look at the dangers of uncontrolled and unresolved anger and make sure that we don't fall into those anger pits.
+Unhealthy and uncontrolled anger has the power to hurt your physical health, hurt your mental health and devastate your spiritual walk.
+Unhealthy anger can do great harm to your interpersonal relationships.
+Unhealthy anger can cause great marriage problems and in fact lead to separation and divorce.
+And unhealthy anger can become a lifelong habit.
Some people seem like they are angry all the time. They look like they could explode any second. You can almost see the smoke coming out of their ears. All too often what happens in those cases is the people around them seem to love to light their anger fuse just to watch them explode so that later they can make fun of them. Or else people avoid them like the plague, knowing that at some time or the other they are going to feel the wrath of their rage and anger. They know that they are a time bomb ready to go off any minute. God doesn't want that kind of life for any of His children.
Anger is a complex and intriguing emotion. Did you know this morning ...
+ We are more likely to get angry when we are stressed and tired.
+ We rarely get angry for the reasons we think we get angry
+ We often get angry at others when we notice a trait in others that we don't like in ourselves.
+At times there may be things in our past - disappointments and traumas that act as anger triggers. We get angry because as a child we were hurt and now as an adult no one is going to hurt us like that again.
+Anger affects all of us - physically, emotionally and most importantly spiritually.
+Anger affects the unsaved, the saved and the sanctified.
Have you also noticed that you can literally feel anger. It is common when you are angry to experience the following things:
+You get knots in your stomach +You clench your fists/teeth/jaw
+You feel clammy and flushed +Your blood pressure rises
+You get a headache +You see "red"
+Your vision is not clear +You feel your heart pounding
+You tense up - you can feel it in your shoulders and back
All of those responses are warning signs that your smoke alarm is getting ready to go off. And then after that comes the fire alarms and then comes the firestorm of anger.
So, what can we do? How can we make sure that our anger is healthy anger and not unhealthy? How can we control our anger? How can we help someone including ourselves with anger issues?
For one, we can take the time to look at all the things that Abigail did for David when she met him on the road filled with anger and rage. The Bible says that Abigail was both beautiful and wise and as you read this story you realize she was very beautiful and most wise.
The list of what Abigail does is long but we can fine tune it to seven quick steps:
1. She approaches David with a spirit of appreciation, humility and honor
2. She stays cool, calm and collected - she exhibits total control
3. She absorbs the blame for the situation
4. She presents David with the truth of the situation - He husband is a fool and has always been a fool
5. She defuses the situation by bring a peace offering
6. She talks slow and quiet and reminds David of his true character, how valuable and blessed he is and how God will bless him
7. She helps David begin to think rationally and employ the wisdom parts of his brain rather than the feeling parts. ( In other words she helps him go from the limbic section of the brain back to the frontal lobe of the brain)
I wish this morning we could all have the spirit and smarts of Abigail in us. Jesus tells us in Matthew 5, that blessed is the peace makers for they shall be called the Children of God. Abigail was a living example of being a child of God. She was a true peace maker.
But not all of us excel in the grace of peace making. Thankfully, some of us have the gift of being able to defuse situations. Painfully, others of us may have just the opposite gift. We have the gift of adding more fuel on a growing fire. And when we do that, when we add our own anger alongside another person's anger the atmosphere can become quite nuclear. We can begin to hear DEFCON 5 warnings all around us.
So, is there something that we can do to help ourselves and others? Is there a way that we can help our family members and friends that have a problem with anger? Is there a way that we can help ourselves in times of anger?
Thankfully, yes there is a way to help both ourselves and others. I want to share with you what has been called the STOP method in dealing with anger. It comes both from scripture and from some very intelligent counselors across our world.
I. The first thing to do is to remember the letter S - S stands for Stop, Sit, Shut-up, Get Safe and Start Breathing.
Physically STOP what you are doing. Just stop and close your mouth. Open your ears, but close your mouth. Just put everything on hold for a few moments.
Proverbs 14:17 reminds us that "A quick-tempered man does foolish things."
We all know the reality of Proverbs 14:17. We all have been foolish in our anger. We may blame our temper on our Irish heritage or something else but the reality is the best thing we can do when we start to feel anger is simply stop.
STOP and sit down. Stop and admit that right now you are angry. Don't express the anger. Don't suppress the anger. Suppressing anger only causes it to later be vented and all too often it happens at the wrong time directed at the wrong person. Simply, confess to yourself that you are angry and could be on the verge of losing it.
Stop and don't say anything yet. Get to a safe place where you can be alone.
Will Rogers said - "Whenever you fly into a rage, you seldom make a safe landing." Will Rogers was right. So stop, sit and get to a safe place.
Stop and breath. When we get angry we stop breathing correctly. We get all tensed up and we begin to lose oxygen to our brains and vital organs. The pupils in our eyes contract and we begin to not see as well. We get all red in the face and the rational parts of our brain shuts down. We must Stop - sit, get to a safe place and start taking deep full breaths. Don't express, don't repress, just confess that right now that you are angry and you need to STOP.
2. Secondly, the letter T- Take a Time Out and Start Thinking Correctly
We have to take a time out and go and think. We have to go to a place where we can take a pause. We need to go and get somewhere that we can clear our heads and allow the frontal lobe of our brains to engage again.
Sometimes when we get angry the frontal lobe of our brains shuts down and the feeling part ( the limbic system) of our brain goes into overdrive and we find ourselves with exploding emotions instead of rational thoughts.
Proverbs 18:13 reminds us that "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame."
Galatians 5:13-26 reminds us how we are to think. We are not to think or live in the flesh but in the Spirit of Christ. It is at times like this that we need to remind ourselves that we are redeemed and being renewed and restored into the image of Jesus. And that will not happen if we don't take a time out.
We must take time to attempt to think about what caused the anger and what is at the root of it. What is at the core of our anger issue.
This is the hardest step. Because all too often it is hard to get away, but we have to do it. If we stay in the same place then more often than not we will begin a nuclear exchange of words with the people around us. We must simply take a time out so that we can begin to logically and rationally think. Otherwise, we may have to deal with an escalating problem that get worse and not better.
3. STOP, THINK - and thirdly think of the letter O - Open your heart and start Organizing your thoughts and your rational mind.
This is why you have to stop and think. This is why you have to get away from the situation so that you can begin to get some sound footing.
You have to open your heart and your mind. You have to begin to organize your thoughts -
Is this a time of healthy anger or an unhealthy anger?
You must remind yourself of Proverbs 19:19 - "A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty."
It is vital that you don't listen to the voice of the Devil. The Devil is a liar and a murderer. He has used anger to destroy lives and people. If we listen to the Devil he will tell us that we cannot control our anger. He will tell us that we must explode and let the damage fall as it may.
But have you ever experienced this in your own life or watched it happen in someone else's life? They will be yelling and arguing with someone and suddenly the phone will ring. In a matter of mere seconds they will be able to answer the phone with the sweetest hello in the world. I think we all have watched that and maybe even have accomplished that little feat.
Now, if we can go from spewing venom and fire one moment to speaking with honey and sweetness with the next then we have to understand that we have the ability to control our anger. The Devil is a liar. The Holy Spirit can give you that type of control all of the time.
Take a moment and begin to organize your thoughts about how you are going to handle all of this -
+How important is this particular argument or issue?
+Is it actually worth all this energy and explosion?
+Is it worth ruining the rest of your day?
+Is it worth ruining your relationships? Burned bridges are hard to replace. Once the toothpaste comes out of the tube it is virtually impossible to put back in. The same is true with our words. The only safe way to not burn a bridge is not to strike the first match.
+Quickly, ask the LORD to help you take the chip off your shoulder.
It appears that some people love to wood work because they go through life with chips on their shoulders. We must allow Jesus the carpenter to take all those chips and make them into some more beautiful. If we find yourself a little angry each and every day of our lives, we must realize that we need some help.
4. STOP, THINK, ORGANIZE and the P stands for Plan, Practice and Promote.
We all know we are going to get angry but how many of us plan and practice for such times?
Most schools, business and even families have a plan what to do when a disaster strikes. The other day I was in Waverly, Tennessee at Nashville State and on the wall there was this list of what to do when certain bells or alarms rang. They had their emergency plan posted on the wall for everyone to read.
Most schools and business even have practice times to get people prepared for emergencies. A bell rings or a message is texted and everyone goes into action. Everyone learns what to do when disaster strikes. It is all intended to help everyone survive a bad time. It is all designed to save lives.
But how many of us plan on how we are going to handle our times of anger? Or do we just hope we can put out the fire and repair the damage? Do we just hope that this time it will be different and that we will not freak out?
Well, more often than not it will not be any different. More times than not with each anger fire the next one is even larger and more devastating. Unchecked anger only grows and grows and grows.
We all need a spiritual smoke detector - a little alarm that goes off allowing us to understand that we need to start - Stopping, Thinking and Organizing in our minds and heads before we say things and throw things and do things that are in the end going to hurt both us and our loved ones.
Ephesians 4:26 - 27 is actually a plan program of the Apostle Paul. Paul reminds us that if we don't plan then the Devil will take our anger and will get a foothold in our lives. The whole book of Proverbs has it in plans on how to deal with anger and we have already looked at some of these this morning.
The truth is we have an enemy that loves it when we don't plan on how to deal with our anger. Cain did not have a plan when it came to anger and we all know how the Devil tempted him to kill his brother Abel. When Satan makes us angry we must remember he is doing all he can to keep us from doing the will of God.
If we know we are going into a volatile situation then we need to be prepared. We need to be ready to handle ourselves as Christians full of the Holy Spirit and led by the Holy Spirit.
Professional firemen would never rush into a fire unprepared and improperly clothed. They prepare and plan for all kinds of situations. And as dangerous and disastrous as anger can explode, you and I best be ready.
+We need to pray for protection every day of our lives - we need to be fully clothed in the armor of the LORD - ready and prepared.
+We need to confess any anger issues that we have to our LORD. We need to understand that our emotions need to be guided and directed by the Holy Spirit.
+We need to let the Holy Spirit be our constant guide - our spiritual smoke detectors.
+We need to allow the Holy Spirit and the Word of God be our fire extinguishers
+We need to promote kindness and learn how to constructively express our times of anger - allowing our anger to come under God's leadership.
+Be willing to forgive and resolve any issues to the best of your Christian ability.
This morning, we all know that we are going to face difficult issues. And we know that at times we are going to get angry. The issue is what happens during those times. Do we explode or do we surrender to the will of the Holy Spirit and STOP the fires from raging?
This morning, as we pray -
1 Dawson McAllister (born in New Kensington, Pennsylvania) is an American speaker, radio host, and author. He is the founder of Dawson McAllister Association and TheHopeLine and host of the national radio program Dawson McAllister Live, which is aired on Sunday nights. Dawson has been speaking to and in support of teenagers and young adults for over 40 years. This material is from his blog - http://www.thehopeline.com/why-do-we-get-angry/
