COMMUNICATION SKILLS
INTRODUCTION: I’ve read articles that refer to the decline in society today because of the increase in texting. You’ve seen the commercials that have two people sitting right next to each other but they’re texting instead of talking. This has become the norm for today’s generation. As we advance in technology we are digressing socially. We have social media but lack social skills-verbally at least. But it isn’t just the teens and twenty-somethings that have this problem; anyone can be socially lacking in one way or another.
1) The challenge.
• I’m shy.
Some people are more outgoing than others. Some people find it easy to go up to complete strangers and strike up a conversation while others are more reclusive. Some people’s shyness stems from having a speech impediment. This can make it more difficult or embarrassing to want to carry a conversation. Communicating in and of itself can be a challenge let alone when there are obstacles to face. But regardless of our obstacle God will enable us to overcome and be successful.
When God called Moses to speak to Pharaoh about letting the Israelites go, Moses was concerned. He asked God what would happen if the people didn’t listen to him. God tried to assure Moses by showing him that he was going to be able to perform miracles. But Moses was still hesitant.
Exodus 4:10-14, “Moses said to the LORD, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The LORD said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” But Moses said, “O Lord, please send someone else to do it.” Then the LORD'S anger burned against Moses and he said, “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and his heart will be glad when he sees you.”
God was angry with Moses for not trusting him. I’m sure I would’ve been concerned about facing Pharaoh but God would want me to trust in his ability to replace my inability. We may have to face obstacles like having a limited vocabulary or a nervous stutter or something but we can be courageous, knowing God wants to use us; he wants us to trust in his power to enable us to overcome our difficulties and be effective communicators.
• I’m not interested.
Another challenge we face is having regular communication. This is seen mainly in the family unit. Professor H.W. Jurgen, a West German sociologist, claims that married couples chat with one another 70 minutes a day in the first year of their marriage. This drops to 30 minutes a day in the second year and then only to 15 minutes a day in the 4th. His research shows that by the eighth year, a husband and wife, typically, share hardly any small talk and become nearly silent with one another.
This seems hard to believe but the fact is it’s easy to have a lack of communication in the home. We go about our day and when we get home we become involved with various things. It has become less common for families to sit at the table together during meals. This used to be a good opportunity for communication to happen but it doesn’t happen much anymore. We’re either glued to our phone, even at the dinner table, or we’re relatively silent as we eat our meal. With the attachment we have to our electronic devices it’s rare to have a quiet environment where the only sounds are two people engaging in conversation.
Norm Wright said, “Most human relational problems can be traced back to poor communication.” If we want to have healthy relationships we need to want to have healthy communication skills. But we have to be ready to work at it. Good communication involves a commitment to keep it fresh and engaging. We need to dedicate ourselves to having ongoing communication outside of small talk. Don’t just say your day was okay talk about it-give some details. For men it takes coming out of our comfort zone and talking about our feelings. For women it may mean talking less about your feelings!
On Sundays it should be easy for families to have something interesting to talk about when they get home from church. You can spend the afternoon talking about what you got out of the wonderful sermon that day! It may be challenging but if our relationships are going to thrive then developing good communication skills needs to be a priority.
2) Negative communication skills.
• False talk.
Prov. 12:22, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.” Have you ever met someone who is a good liar? People who can look you in the eye and lie straight to your face. It’s a skill; albeit a negative one. And those people who are good liars pride themselves on their ability to get one over on someone. Well, the Lord detests it; he loathes it-he despises it. On the contrary, God delights in the truth. He takes pleasure in hearing people tell the truth.
1st Pet. 3:10, “For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.” If we work on being skilled at lying and deceiving then we need to be prepared to live a negative life.
• Smooth talk.
Rom. 16:17-18, “I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people.”
Some people are skillful manipulators. They might be in the wrong but by the time they are done with you they will convince you that you were in the wrong. Then there are those that are skilled in smooth talk and flattery. They will be able to convince you to do just about anything for them. Sometimes those who are in sales use these tactics to convince people to buy whatever it is that they’re selling. They exaggerate to make things look better than what they are. They do this for their own self satisfaction; they’re serving their own appetites. They don’t care about the people they’re talking to, they only care about themselves.
God says we need to watch out for the manipulators and smooth talkers. These types of people have spent considerable time in developing their negative communication skills.
• Unwholesome talk.
The beginning of Eph. 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth”. A few verses later in 5:4 it says, “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place."
Coarse joking, lewd comments, swearing, condescending words would all fit into the category of unwholesome talk. If someone is trying to have a serious conversation with us and we’re making jokes that is unwholesome talk. These things are out of place for those who follow Christ. These are negative communication skills.
Some people are good at telling crude jokes; make plenty of money doing it. For some people the cuss words flow like it’s just a natural part of their everyday speech. I remember a scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie, in describing his father, said, “My father worked with obscenities the way other artists worked with oils or clay”.
For too many people it’s too easy to be critical or condescending. It’s too easy to be biting and venomous in our speech. Some people are good at knowing how to cut people down with words. Unwholesome talk is a negative, destructive communication skill.
• Too much talk.
There’s two ways this is done-some people say more than they should (TMI) and then there are those who talk for too long and they don’t let the other person get a word in. Both are negative.
Gossiping definitely fits into this category. Prov. 20:19, “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.” Gossip is negative and destructive. It dissolves friendships, it can divide a family, etc. Solomon seems to indicate that if you are someone who talks too much you are given to gossip. Chances are, the person who listens to a gossip is probably thinking, ‘if they’re saying this about this person, what are they saying about me when I’m not around?’ That’s one reason why someone who is wise avoids such characters.
Then you have the person who never shuts up. Sometimes it’s incredible how some people can go on and on for hours on end. If I’m doing all the talking I’m being rude and obnoxious. I’m showing that I’m not interested in what you have to say I only care about you listening to me. Margaret Millar, “Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.”
Instead we should put Prov. 21:23 into practice. “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.” The person who talks too much or shares too much does not have a guard over their mouth. Talking too much is a negative communication skill.
3) Positive communication skills.
• Listening skills.
James 1:19 says that we should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Part of having good communication skills is having good listening skills. Listening involves paying attention to what’s being said. Often times we may not be talking but we’re thinking of talking. We’ve latched onto something that was said and all we can think about is our response. In doing so we miss out on everything that was said after that point. Chances are if we were to listen until someone is done talking we would have a better response.
Part of being a good listener is having good eye contact. Maintaining good eye contact allows me to keep the focus on you and it shows the other person that as well.
Another way I can show I am being a good listener is when I can reiterate back to you what you were talking about. If you just finished talking with me and you asked me to explain what you were saying and I couldn’t really do that then it shows I wasn’t listening. Now, if after you were talking I respond to you with words or questions that reflect what you were talking about then it shows that I was listening to you.
When someone is talking we need to care enough to really listen to them. It shows they are important; it shows that what they have to say matters to us. What I try to be conscientious of is when Beth and I are in the living room and she starts talking about something I look for the remote and mute the TV. This shows that I have the desire to listen to what she’s saying. This communicates that what she is saying is more important to me than what the person on TV is talking about.
• Resolving conflict.
Most of us have skills in starting or feeding conflict but do we have skills in resolving conflict? A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard they saw some mules and pigs and the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" To which the husband replied, "Yep, in-laws." This would be an example of feeding, not resolving conflict.
Prov. 17:14, “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.”
When an argument starts and two people get going it just escalates and then the dam bursts and everything comes gushing out and then when it’s all over you see the wreckage and you realize all the damage that was just caused. However, if you employ good communication skills you can resolve conflict instead of making the matter worse.
Some people will argue about anything and everything. It seems like every difference of opinion turns into a battle. They go overboard in trying to get everyone to agree with them that their way is the only way and if you don’t think like me there’s going to be trouble.
We need to learn how to pick our battles. We need to ask, “Is this really worth getting into it over”? Some things really matter; some things don’t. But even when it’s something we feel is important we don’t have to let it turn into a war. When discussing difficult topics we need to keep our voices at an even level. We can speak passionately without getting all elevated.
We should allow the other person equal time to speak. Interrupting or dominating the conversation will not lead to conflict resolution. It may lead to the other person shutting down and that isn’t resolution. All you’re doing there is causing them to stuff their feelings and in doing so you’ve just set the timer on the explosive device and it’s just a matter of time before it detonates.
Ecc. 3:7 says ‘there is a time to be silent and a time to speak’. Knowing when to do each is crucial in resolving conflict. We also need to choose our words carefully.
When we’re in conflict with another person we can have a tendency to exaggerate. We use extreme words like ‘never’ or ‘always’. “You always do this” or, “you never do that”.
Another thing we might do is use rapid machine gun fire. The conflict may start with one topic but in our emotional state the dam is breached and then all of what we’ve been holding onto comes flooding out and we’re all over the map with stuff. Conflict will never get resolved when we’re jumping all around. We need to stick to the subject at hand, we need to keep things in the proper perspective and we need to be objective.
Another thing that will help in conflict resolution is to know when to back off. If the discussion has turned into an argument where you have each person just trying to speak over the other you’re getting nowhere. Then, if you can’t settle down it’s best to realize where this is headed and say, “We’re not getting anywhere with this. We need to let it go for now.” You may need to let it go for good if it seems there’s no willingness to be objective. But resolving conflict doesn’t mean you reach a place where both parties agree; it means you’ve reached a place where both parties agree to not hold a grudge about it.
• Encouragement.
Eph 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” When talking with someone I need to think before I speak and ask myself, “Will what I’m about to say hurt or help”?
It’s so easy to be critical but it takes some effort to be encouraging. Being encouraging doesn’t mean we tell them what they want to hear. It doesn’t mean we automatically justify what they’re thinking or how they’re feeling-that would fall into the category of flattery. What it does mean is that I am encouraging you to do the right thing. It means I am complimenting you when you do well. It means I am showing my care and concern for you. It means I am communicating to you that with Christ you can make it through this ordeal. It means I am looking to be part of the solution instead of adding to the problem. Part of having positive communication skills means being someone who encourages people to succeed, to grow, to believe, to be more like Christ.
