The well-known novelist, C.S. Lewis once mused, “Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.” I could not agree more! Truly, love is what makes life worth living.
We know from reading the Bible that God cares about morals. The Old and New Testament both, brim with incredible principles of integrity for the home, business and community. But our God, who is love, is also touched by our personal lives! He cares deeply that we have our needs met. In fact, God is so compassionate He even longs for us to receive the very desires of our heart. God’s greatest gift to Adam was a loving spouse!
1. A Godly Spouse Brings the Greatest Comfort in This Life
God saw that Adam was alone and saw that it wasn’t good. So, obviously He said, “I’m going to bring someone into Adam’s life that’s going to be the best possible thing to solve his loneliness - a dog?” No! It is said that a dog is a man’s best friend and to be sure they can be a wonderful companion. But as wonderful as they are, they are still just an animal. God didn’t say, “Adam, it’s not good that you are alone so I’m going to bring you a son or a daughter.” Now truly, what could bring more joy in life than having a godly son or a virtuous daughter who shares the same blood? What could bring any greater satisfaction than that? And yet, as great as that is, God didn’t say I’m going to bring a child into your life. God also didn’t bring a parent, or sibling, or friend or mentor despite the many benefits of such relationships.
The one thing that God DID give to Adam was a woman...a wife. In that one person you have all of those things, and more, rolled into one package. When friendship is needed your wife is your best friend. When touch is needed your husband is there. When counsel is needed, it is your wife or husband that is your number one person to go to. When ministry is needed two can serve together in an amazing way. When care is needed a husband comes alongside his wife and a wife comes alongside her husband. What better possible thing could God have done than to have said, “I’m going to bless you Adam, and I’m going to bring someone perfectly suited for you.”
2. A Godly Spouse Brings Favor
“…and obtaineth favour of the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22).
Notice in this verse how that a godly mate brings “favor.” There are a number of ways in which our mate brings the blessing of heaven, but one big way is through growing Christ’s attitudes in us. Our marriage partner choice will become the “heavenly sand paper” that takes our rough edges off, but that is part of God’s favor. Grace, which is defined as God’s favor, comes to the humble (James 4:6). A mate can bring us to a point of great humility before the Lord as we cry out to God for a mate and perhaps even because of our mate. A husband or wife’s actions and attitudes can get into places in our soul that nobody else can and that’s why God uses a mate often to massage and soften our spirit. The favor of the Lord doesn’t come cheaply. God doesn’t just pour out His favor on us because we drive a certain car or have a certain color of skin or denominational name on our church…God pours favor on people who have plowed deeply into their soul of souls.
Maybe that’s what David meant when he basically said, “I’ve seen something amazing…goodness and mercy just keep favoring me wherever I go” (Psalm 23:6). Maybe that’s what he was meaning…perhaps he was looking at beautiful Abigail (his amazing wife) and said, “You have brought to me goodness and mercy all the days of my life…I can’t get away from the fact of how good the Lord has been to me.” God surely pours out his favor upon us by and through our mate.
5 Principles in Finding a Godly Husband or Wife:
“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing…” (Proverbs 18:22).
It is very clear that God says that a mate has to be found. This suggests some very proactive steps are to be taken. As I was praying about this verse it seemed like the Holy Spirit said to me, “There’s no better story to use as an illustration of finding a spouse than the story of Boaz and Ruth.” This is a classic Biblical romance that can be found for reference in the Old Testament book of Ruth.
1. Prayer
Prayer to God is the first, foremost and fundamental ingredient in finding a mate. After Ruth’s husband’s death, her mother-in-law Naomi insisted that she needed to go back to her homeland. Ruth refused and reassured Naomi of something, “my home is now where the God of Israel is.” Ruth purposed to Naomi, “Your God will be my God,” and then proclaimed that Jehovah God was the number one thing in her life!
If God is the number one thing in the heart of a potential mate, then we can be sure that prayer is the way to touch that person. If we are going to find a godly spouse than God must be at the very center of that. It is not wrong to pray that God would help us find a spouse, in fact, it is the right thing!
It is good, Biblical and wonderful to desire a mate. There is nothing sinful about wanting to be married and to enjoy the married life. In fact, it was God who made marriage. It was God that put desire in the heart of Adam towards his wife. It was God who made body, soul and spirit to desire the opposite sex - God did that. It wasn’t some sociological experiment; God is the author of marriage and romance, therefore God ought to be in on every part of it.
We should pray to God and ask, “What do You want me to do?” “Whom do You want me to talk to?” “Where do You want me to take this person on a date?” “How do You want me to word this note?” God is the greatest dating coach there is! God cares, so talk to Him!
2. Go to Work for God
One of the best ways to find a godly mate is to go to work for God. Ruth came to live with Naomi because of her faith in Naomi’s God. After she arrived, Ruth got busy serving her new family, community and God. She was characterized in the community by her work ethic.
A good Bible-based church is the absolute, top of the line place to be if you want to be able to observe day after day, week after week, month after month and in some cases year after year, a prospective mate. You can watch how they act and react in season or out of season. How they deal with younger people. How they understand older people. How they relate to the opposite sex. There are places other than church for “mate discovery” such as going on mission trips or Bible college, but I will tell you that nothing is so incredible as the local church for a non-threatening opportunity to let relationships begin to sprout and mature! Some might object to using ministry as a “pool” for a potential mate, or that certainly wasn’t the case with Ruth and Naomi…they were definitely serving but they were also looking at the same time!
God says you have to “find” a mate. Personally I’ve rarely found something I wasn’t searching for. You usually find something because you’re looking for it. That’s what the Bible says…find it! I am a firm believer in finding.
3. Look for Christian Character
What was the first thing that Boaz saw in Ruth? Scripture doesn’t say Boaz exclaimed, “Wow, she is a beautiful woman.” Not that beauty is wrong...far from it! But the first thing that we find Boaz noticing about Ruth was the fact that she was an incredible worker and that she served her mother-in-law selflessly. He was so impressed with her genuineness that he even commented on it to his friends, “I know her character, and I’ve seen how she treats her family.”
The first thing that I’m going to be looking for in a mate then is character. That doesn’t mean that we’re not attracted to their appearance. It would be naive to think that’s not the case, but it should be secondary in importance to their character. And honestly, good character can aid in the physical attractiveness of a person. However, before I look for character in the lives of others I must first look into my own heart. Sometimes young ladies will say, “Where are all the good fellas?” Well, first you need to ask yourself where you are. For example, where do you stand on wonderful traits like punctuality, discernment or warmth. I wonder if we were to take an honest look at our own selves what we would find? “I want to find a beautiful, Christian lady,” some young men say to others. Well then maybe you should look at your own character. Am I industrious? Am I polite? Do I have wisdom? I wonder what amazing things would happen in my love life if I was to examine my own life and say, “God, I want to work on my character.”
I am convinced that one reason we don’t find a mate is because we’re not ready to be a mate. It is incredible how the spirit of God just shines through people of godly character. This quality goes a long way at dismissing some of the things that are of less importance. Only after I have examined and are maturing in my own character can I begin to look at the character of others. Seeking out godly character first allows us to get to know the real person and make wise decisions for our future happiness. Many a young man or woman has made the mistake of just getting hot and heavy in passion, before they got to know the real person.
I am not suggesting that we become a “nit picker.” Nit picking in non-essentials doesn’t go over very well. We’re talking about simply observing what the Holy Spirit is doing in that person’s life. I’m convinced that all Christians are a constant work of God’s grace. The person you may marry at 19, if they’re growing in the Lord and I’m growing in the Lord, will not be the person you are married to at 50. So, to marry a 20 year-old and expect that they’ll have the character of a 50-year-old believer, is misguided.
Boaz and Ruth were not a picture perfect couple. They were from different cultures. They were from different age brackets. They were from different backgrounds. They were not what you’d call a “perfectly compatible couple.” And yet, because both had such a deep love for God and each other, God made their relationship work.
Of course, there are some “must-haves”, for both men and women before you should move forward in a relationship. You MUST HAVE someone:
1.) Who is Spiritual. They don’t have to be a completed project but they do need to have a deep love for God.
2.) Who is A Man Who Will Work. You just can’t deal with a husband who won’t work. If he will not work, nothing good will ever come of that.
3.) Who is Gentle. There are some areas we can allow for growth as we mature together. For example, if he wears baggy pants – you can live with the pants until he figures out that it doesn’t look good. However, you simply must have a husband or wife that has a gentle and loving spirit!
4.) Who is Kind. You simply have got to have a lady or man who knows how to keep their tongue in their mouth. If they do not have a kind heart or know how to speak kindly, the relationship will never be good. A warm lady or man who is open to you in every area is a must.
After you see these four “must haves,” the sky is the limit on what God can do! If God can take Ruth, a younger woman, and put her with this older man, Boaz, then who are we to say that God couldn’t do something very unusual for us. As long as there is godly character, anything can work! I don’t think we should slam down a rubber stamp and think everybody has to look a certain way or be a certain way. Let God just do what He does.
4. An Honoring of Jurisdiction
When Boaz discovered that Ruth could potentially be interested in him, he was very interested in going forward with the relationship. However, being the man of character that he was, he realized that another man had that right and even the first responsibility according to the law of the Kinsman Redeemer to pursue her. So he said to himself very wisely, “Before I let my heart go to her, I need to make sure that she is released and that she is able to proceed with this relationship.” He then went to the “Redeemer” (relative) who was closer and said, “You need to take care of this matter and if you will not, then I will step in.”
One of the keys to getting married right, is to have and keep the blessing of both families. That’s why a man, before he begins to court a woman, ought to go to the woman’s father and get his blessing to carry on. Whatever the circumstances and family style, it is vital to honor jurisdiction. We should never let our heart go and never woo another person’s heart where there’s not freedom and blessing. We see this fact reflected so clearly in the relationship between Boaz and Ruth.
Charles Barkley, a famous former NBA player, who was one tough cookie, was once asked about how he would handle boyfriends in his twelve-year-old daughter’s future. Charles Barkley’s classic response was, “I figure if I kill the first one the word will get out.” Amen!
5. Be Available
Boaz was obviously interested in Ruth. It didn’t take him long to move on this matter once he knew she was available. I’m a firm believer in making dreams come true. I believe in taking a proactive stance and having a plan to accomplish those dreams. I don’t think just sitting there waiting for a dream to come true is what God expects. Its naïve to think that that’s the way life works. When Ruth wanted to move ahead with the relationship, she was coached by Naomi to go and “lay at Boaz’s feet” (Ruth 3:7). This may have been a common cultural tradition to some degree, but I’m guessing it was still not the norm because Boaz was taken back by the action. This then was certainly a bold move by Ruth! I have just got to believe that Naomi must’ve known something about Boaz. She knew he was a godly man and a “good catch” but needed a little push. In all of this I see that both of them made themselves available.
Also, it is important to have good people skills. Looking “hot” is okay, but people skills is where success lay! People skills begin with a smile. We are about 90% of the way towards success in our people skills when we know how to smile. I like what Mother Teresa once said, “Let us always greet one another with a smile for a smile is the beginning of love.” A smile is the beginning of love…I like that! Some of us could do our face a favor and the world too, if we just learn how to smile! If your teeth embarrass you, then go to a dentist if possible. Try to do what you can, within reason, because smiling helps so much. Some women are like daisy flowers…warm and inviting. Others are like a cactus…prickly and grouchy. Of course ladies you should never be in any way indiscreet, but to shut doors by not smiling is unwise.
Learning how to listen well is a giant step forward! You ask, “How do I attract their attention?” Well, simply stop talking so much and start listening. I was sitting at a Starbucks trying to enjoy a little break, but kept getting annoyed and distracted by this loud fellow who was talking nonstop to his apparent date. He had one of those voices that just carried over the entire patio. This guy was the greatest thing I had ever heard of in my life! He did it all, I mean, he was talking about cars, work, and seemed to know everything about everything! She would ask him a question about every five minutes and then he would carry on. Now I’m sure Mr. Puff Head walked away and was thinking to himself, “She is amazing!” But all she did was just listen and ask questions and let him put his chest out there (I hope she ran from that dude). Being a good listener makes you attractive.
A word to the men, in the attempt to be open and available, they should not be players, obviously. It would be wrong to try to draw on someone’s heartstrings and then to just drop them cold when they are no longer interested…that’s just plain mean! That is certainly not what God would want. It would also be wrong for a woman to be indiscreet or seductive. We ought to always be careful and thoughtful as we look for ways to show serious and mature interest.
It is a misunderstanding of God’s sovereignty to think that He’s just going to send you a husband or wife without effort. It might happen, but it’s just not likely. Solomon says, “…he that findeth a wife findeth a good thing.” It’s something we have to find. God says in James 2 that faith without works is dead. We need to put some works into our faith, when seeking God’s provision. Some folks tell me that they don’t want to “get ahead of God.” And that’s true of course, but you don’t want to get behind God either! I think we have got to work together with God and be co-laborers.
There are so many avenues in this world today where good people can come into contact with one another. If you would’ve asked me ten years ago, “Should I use online dating?” I’m sure I would’ve not been as open minded as I am today, but I’ll tell you that in the world we live in, who knows what God can use. I know this, if the principles of Boaz and Ruth are firmly followed, I’m sure that God will help us as we move along in this matter of “finding” and getting a mate.
