It was tax season, and Jane Osinki decided to surprise her husband, Henry, by getting their tax information in to their CPA early. She picked up the tax package their CPA had sent, scanned the forms, and noticed that Henry had already filled in some of the lines.
To the question, “Did your marital status change?” he had circled “Yes.” As far as Jane knew, they weren't considering separation or divorce. In fact, they would soon celebrate their 50th anniversary – unless he had other plans.
She moved her hand to uncover the next two words: “Older … better.” She liked that change in status! (Jane M.D. Osinki, Christian Reader, Vol. 33, no. 6)
Older and better – that’s because they had learned to love each other well, and that can be the story of your relationships, too! In fact, there are 7 habits of highly effective lovers that will work in any relationship to make it better over the years. There are 7 habits of highly effective lovers that will improve not only your marriages, but also your relationships with your friends, your adult children, and even your co-workers.
We’re studying the book of Galatians together, and so far the Apostle Paul has appealed to the heads of his readers. He’s presented logical and theological arguments to prove that believers in Christ are free from the law.
Now, he is going to appeal to their hearts. He is going to appeal to his readers based on the relationship they have with him. And in that relationship, we’ll see those 7 habits of highly effective lovers that will improve any relationship. If you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Galatians 4, Galatians 4, where Paul describes his relationship with the believers in Galatia.
Galatians 4:12 Brothers, I entreat you, become as I am, for I also have become as you are. You did me no wrong. (ESV)
“We have a good relationship; so be free like me,” Paul says, “for I became as you are.” When Paul, a Jew, came to Galatia, he didn’t expect the Gentiles there to conform to his Jewish ways for them to be in relationship with him. On the contrary, Paul conformed to their ways. He adapted himself to them. He changed himself without demanding that they change for them to become his friends.
In 1 Corinthians 9, Paul says, “I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews… To those not having the law I became like one not having the law… so as to win those not having the law… I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some” (1 Corinthians 9:19-22).
Paul adjusted himself to the people he was trying to reach, and that’s what you must do if you want to become a highly effective lover. You must…
ADUST YOURSELF.
Adapt yourself. Change yourself for others without demanding that they change for you.
I remember Joni Eareckson Tada describing one of her first dates with Ken Tada, the man who is now her husband. She was concerned that he would not be able to lift her out of her wheelchair, so she lost weight to make it easier for him. On the other hand, he lifted weights in preparation for their date, getting himself ready for her special needs.
That’s true love, my friends – each adjusting to the other. It’s the first habit of a highly effective lover, and if you want your relationships to improve, then adjust yourself to those you love; don’t demand that they adjust themselves to you. 2nd, if you want to be a highly effective lover…
ACCEPT OTHERS AS THEY ARE.
Receive them. Welcome them even with their imperfections. That’s how the Galatian believers received Paul.
Galatians 4:13-14 You know it was because of a bodily ailment that I preached the gospel to you at first, and though my condition was a trial to you, you did not scorn or despise me, but received me as an angel of God, as Christ Jesus. (ESV)
When Paul came to Galatia, many Bible scholars believe he had malaria. He had just come from Perga, a town near the southern coast of what is now Turkey. It’s a low swampy area, which makes a good breeding ground for malaria infected mosquitoes.
Now, malaria itself is a terrible disease. The one who suffers with it has periodic bouts with chills, fever and nausea every 48 to 72 hours. And after each attack, the sufferer is left weak and feeling absolutely wasted until the next attack.
Malaria is also a repulsive disease. John Mark was traveling with Paul at the time, and Acts 13:13 says Mark left Paul in Perga and went home. I think he saw Paul throwing up all the time, so weak he couldn’t even get out of bed, and Mark said to himself, “This missionary life is not for me. I’m out of here.”
He was repulsed by Paul’s illness, but not the people of Galatia. When Paul left the low swampy area of Perga, escaping into the mountainous region of Galatia, the people there welcomed him as an angel of God.
They did not “scorn or despise” him (vs.14 says) – literally, they did not spit at him. On the contrary, they opened their homes to him. They listened attentively to his message, and they accepted him just as he was, even though he was deathly sick from malaria.
And that’s what you must do if you want to be a highly effective lover. You must accept people just as they are, unconditionally, even with their imperfections.
(illus.) Author Shea Seranno had just taken the exit ramp near his home when his car sputtered and died. Trying unsuccessfully to restart the car, he called a tow truck. The wrecker promptly arrived and deposited his car in the driveway. Serrano popped the hood and fiddled with the wires and hoses a bit. Having exhausted his less-than-vast auto repair knowledge, he called his father.
His father listened as he explained what had happened. His father simply responded, “I'll come up there tomorrow after work.” Shea's father lived 215 miles from him. His dad was going to drive up after driving a city bus for 10 hours. Shea's father arrived on his doorstep three hours after he had turned in his bus at the depot. He said hello, hugged his son, and walked back out to the driveway to have a look under the hood.
It took about 15 seconds. His father emerged from under the hood, looked at his son, returned his wrench to his toolbox, and walked past Shea to his own vehicle. “What's wrong? Did you not bring the right tools?” Shea asked. “We're done,” his dad replied. “What's wrong with it?” “It's out of gas, son.”
Shea's dad ate with his son, and headed home. Another 215 miles. 430 miles round trip after 10 hours of driving a bus. Seranno says his father didn't harass him or berate him that evening over dinner. He didn't even bring it up at all. As a matter of fact, nine years later, his father had still never mentioned the embarrassing incident again. (Shea Serrano, "Dad Talk: The Shea Serrano Father's Day Mailbag," Grantland, 6-13-14; www. PreachingToday.com)
That’s real love. It doesn’t berate loved ones for their imperfections. It just serves, accepting people for who they are just like God does for us. He loves us unconditionally, and that’s the kind of love that sets people free.
If you want to be a highly effective lover, then learn to love like that. 1st, Adjust yourself to those you love. 2nd, Accept those you love unconditionally. & 3rd…
SACRIFICE YOURSELF for those you love.
Give up what is most precious to you. Surrender all or part of yourself for the sake of the one loved. That’s what the Galatian believers were willing to do for Paul.
Galatians 4: 15 What then has become of your blessedness? For I testify to you that, if possible, you would have gouged out your eyes and given them to me. (ESV)
Malaria often affects the eyesight, and in Paul’s case it probably did. At the end of this book (Galatians 6:11), Paul writes, “See what large letters I use as I write to you with my own hand.” He wrote with large letters, because he couldn’t see very well. But the Galatian believers would have plucked their own eyes out and given them to Paul if they knew it would help.
They were willing to sacrifice themselves for Paul, and that’s what you must do if you want to become a highly effective lover.
In the magazine, Christian Parenting Today, Lorraine Pintus talks about the days when she and her husband, Peter, were first married. Old debt had accompanied their new marriage, and income from Peter's free-lance job was unpredictable. As Christmas approached and other couples were buying furniture or gold jewelry, they agreed to exchange gifts that had cost no money. “A hundred times,” Lorraine says, “I forced myself not to buy the perfect jacket for Peter (or the perfect holiday dress for myself). My inner Grinch had stolen my Christmas spirit. I grumbled, ‘Here it is, our first Christmas together, and we can't even afford to buy a tree.’”
Then she awoke Christmas morning to find a large package on the kitchen table.
“You promised you wouldn't spend any money on me,” she chided her husband.
“I didn't,” he grinned. “Not one penny.” Instead, he had sold his racquetball racquet, his most cherished possession, to buy his wife a blender. She cried. Not because the blender was her dream gift – She could have lived her entire life without one. No. She cried, because her husband had sacrificed something of himself for her.
She went to bed that night praising God: “Thank you for making us 'poor,'” she prayed. “Otherwise, I'd never have known how rich I am.” (Lorraine Pintus, Christian Parenting Today)
Relationships are enriched when lovers make sacrifices for each other. Relationships are enriched when lovers give up something special for the one they love.
That’s how Jesus treated us. Even while we were still sinners, He gave up heaven for us. He gave up His dignity, his glory, and He gave up His life just so we could be in relationship with Him.
If you want to be a highly effective lover, then learn to love like that. 1st, Adjust yourself to those you love. 2nd, Accept those you love unconditionally. 3rd, Sacrifice yoursely for those you love. And 4th…
SPEAK THE TRUTH.
Be honest with those you love. Lovingly share the facts even if it hurts.
That’s what Paul did for the believers in Galatia. He sees them heading in a direction which will ruin their lives. So in love, he warns them to head in a different direction.
Galatians 4:16 Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth? (ESV)
Evidently, they didn’t like what Paul had to say, But he said it anyway, because he loved them.
And that’s what you must do if you want to be a highly effective lover. Be willing to speak the truth in love, even if it hurts. Sure, you are called upon to accept people unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean you let them hurt themselves. No!
True love is not blind. Do you hear me? True love is not blind to the truth. On the contrary, it acknowledges the truth even when it’s painful.
Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
Watch it when your enemy flatters you! He’s got some ulterior motive. On the other hand, a friend, who really loves you, will always tell you the truth even if it wounds you, even if it’s hard for you to hear.
Jeanne Olsen, a mother of five from Illinois, took her daughter Kirsten, age 9, out for a mother-daughter breakfast. During their meal, Jeanne courageously asked her daughter, “How do you think I could be a better mom?”
Kirsten thought for a moment. “Well, you do yell a lot. I know you've been praying about that, but it isn't really working yet.” (Kevin A. Miller, Wheaton, Illinois)
That little girl told her mother the truth, even though it might have been hard for her mother to hear, but that’s what people in healthy relationships do.
My friends, there are 7 habits of highly effective lovers, and if you want to be that kind of lover, then you must adopt those habits. 1st, Adjust yourself to those you love. 2nd, Accept those you love unconditionally. 3rd, Sacrifice yourself for those you love. 4th, Speak the truth. And 5th…
SET PEOPLE FREE.
Relinquish control of those you love. Allow them to make their own decisions. Essentially, you must let them go.
The false teachers in Galatia were doing just the opposite. They were trying to control the believers there.
Galatians 4:17 They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them. (ESV)
The false teachers wanted to alienate the new believers in Galatia from Paul. In fact, they wanted to create a relationship of dependency and bondage only to them. Not so with Paul.
Galatians 4:18 It is always good to be made much of for a good purpose, and not only when I am present with you… (ESV)
Paul didn’t care if people zealously followed other leaders if it was for a good purpose. Paul set people free in his relationships. He didn’t try to control them or make them dependent on him.
And that’s what you need to do if you want to be a highly effective lover. Set people free in your relationships.
Early on in our marriage, Sandy and I attended a marriage seminar at Dallas Theological Seminary, where I was a student at the time. I don’t remember much about that seminar, but I do remember one thing that had a profound affect on our relationship. The seminar leader was talking about the need for husbands and wives to relate to one another as adults, on an adult-to-adult, peer level, not as a parent to a child, or as a child to a parent.
And the thing that stuck out to me was this piece of advice: “Give your mate permission to say no.” “Give your mate permission to say no.” And if they do say no, don’t try to change it by shouting or pouting or withholding affection until you get your way. “Give your mate permission to say no without it adversely affecting your relationship.”
You see, effective lovers don’t try to manipulate the situation to get their way. They set people free in their relationships without trying to control the one they love.
Chuck Swindoll put it well in his book Grace Awakening. Here is what he wrote: “We tend to clutch, not release… to put people in our frame and not allow them any breathing holes unless and until they accept the shape of our molds. Grace [on the other hand] means we allow others the freedom to choose, regardless. Grace means I will not force or manipulate or judge or attempt to control you, nor should you do those things to me” (p.146).
If you want to be a highly effective lover, then 1st, adjust yourself to those you love. 2nd, accept those you love unconditionally. 3rd, sacrifice yourself for those you love. 4th, speak the truth. 5th, set people free. And 6th…
SUFFER WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE SUFFERS.
Hurt when they hurt. Ache when they ache, and cry when they cry. When the one you love is being hurt, feel their pain.
That’s how Paul felt about the believers in Galatia. False teachers were leading them astray into a life of bondage, and it brings Paul real pain.
Galatians 4:19 …my little children, for whom I am again in the anguish of childbirth until Christ is formed in you! (ESV)
Paul says, “It feels like I’m giving birth again.” The first time he labored to see them set free from sin. Now, he is laboring again to see them set free from legalistic bondage.
Paul hurts because his children in the faith are hurting, and that’s what you must do if you want to be a highly effective lover. You must suffer when the one you love suffers.
While working his way through seminary, pastor and author, Ed Rowell, took a job driving a school bus for kindergartners. He had developed a special relationship with Ryan, one of his little riders.
After a rough week on the bus, Ed slept in on a Saturday, the day after Halloween that year. When he finally got moving and settled down with his first cup of coffee and the newspaper, a story on page two caught his eye. There had been an accident at the YMCA Halloween party. A heavy piece of gymnastic equipment was turned over. A child was killed. It was Ryan…
Ed went to the White Chapel Funeral Home. He was scared. His greatest fear was that he would say something that would make his mom cry. Just don't say anything sad or stupid, he told himself.
He looked at the body in the half-sized casket, thinking he detected a little bit of Halloween makeup on little Ryan’s ear. Don't cry, you idiot, he told himself, you'll upset his parents.
Ed looked up. There was no one left in the room except Ryan’s parents. He walked up to shake their hands. “I was Ryan's bus driver,” he told them, and Ryan’s mom's eyes began to glisten. Watch it, he told himself, don't get her started.
Then he told them about the day Ryan fell asleep on the bus and missed his stop. As they laughed over some of the things Ryan had said, Ed could see the tears begin to well up in everyone's eyes. Way to go, Ed, he told himself. Now you've made them all cry.
Ryan's mom started to speak, then grabbed him tight, and started shaking with those choking sobs that Ed dreaded worse than anything… To make matters worse, he started crying too. Not discreetly, but all noisy and messy. He held this young mother He'd never met before, and wished he had something to say that would turn their attention away from his own tears and runny nose.
Then a thought came to him. It sounded good until he said it aloud. “Just remember,” Ed said when they all quieted down a little, “God knows the pain of losing a son, too.” And with those words, another wave of grief crashed over all of them.
As soon as he could, Ed got out of there. He feared he had poured salt in the wounded hearts of those parents.
The months passed quickly. Christmas came and went, and midterm exams were on the horizon. One Saturday, Ed spent the whole day studying and nursing a stomach ache that wouldn't go away. Finally, he called a doctor, and the doctor told him, “You'd better get to the emergency room, sounds like appendicitis to me.” Ed’s wife drove him over right away.
As he lay there on the gurney, waiting for the tests before surgery, a pretty, young woman, dressed in white, walked in. She looked like Ryan’s mom. Ed told himself, “You’re hallucinating.”
Then she spoke. “Hello, bus driver,” she said with a smile… And Ed knew it was her – carrying a needle in her hand.
“I want to thank you for being there that night,” she said as she tightened the tourniquet around Ed’s arm until his veins popped out. “I can't tell you how much your words about God understanding have helped me over these past few months.” She slipped the needle in, but Ed never even felt it. Then she continued, “But the fact that you cared enough to cry with us meant more than anything.” (Ed Rowell, "When the Bus Driver Cried," Today's Christian, November/December 1997)
We don’t always know what to do when someone we love is hurting. That’s okay, because the best thing we can do is cry – not in a manipulative way, but with genuine tears of sorrow.
If you want to be a highly effective lovers, then 1st, adjust yourself to those you love. 2nd, accept those you love unconditionally. 3rd, sacrifice yourself for those you love. 4th, speak the truth. 5th, set people free. 6th, Suffer when the one you love suffers. And Finally…
SPEND TIME WITH THOSE YOU LOVE.
Be there and be present. That was Paul’s desire.
Galatians 4:20 I wish I could be present with you now and change my tone, for I am perplexed about you. (ESV)
Paul wanted to be with his “little children” in the faith, and that’s what you must do if you want to be a highly effective lover. You can’t love people from a distance, because true love is spelled T-I-M-E, and it involves time spent WITH the one loved.
An ingenious teenager, tired of reading bedtime stories to his little sister, decided to record several of her favorite stories. He told her, “Now you can hear your stories anytime you want. Isn’t that great?”She looked at the recorder for a moment and then replied, “No. It hasn’t got a lap.”
You see, love needs a lap. It needs the personal presence of the lover.
There are 7 habits of highly effective lovers, and if you want to be that kind of a lover, then you must adopt those habits. 1st, adjust ourselves to those you love. 2nd, accept those you love unconditionally. 3rd, sacrifice yourself for those you love. 4th, speak the truth. 5th, set people free. 6th, suffer when the people you love suffer. And 7th, spend time with those you love.
In a word, demonstrate GRACE in all your relationships. Love freely and without conditions.
Roy Croft once wrote some beautiful words that I think summarize the effect of such a love.
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.
I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.
I love you, because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life, not a tavern, but a temple; out of the works of my every day – not a reproach, but a song.
That’s the power of true, grace-filled love. It sets people free to be all that God intends for them to be.
