Marriage Foundation
Introduction: The marriage covenant predates the Fall
I would like to like to go back to the very basics of when marriage was instituted. We first read about it in Genesis 2.
I am not talking about a piece of paper saying you are married but to the marriage covenant between a man and a woman.
For the sake of this talk Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman
Marriage is a very special covenant.
Before going further I would like to look at the passage which sets out the marriage covenant. I have taken the Message translation
Genesis 2:15-25
15 GOD took the Man and set him down in the Garden of Eden to work the ground and keep it in order.
16-17 GOD commanded the Man, “You can eat from any tree in the garden, except from the Tree-of-Knowledge-of-Good-and-Evil. Don’t eat from it. The moment you eat from that tree, you’re dead.”
18-20 GOD said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.”
So GOD formed from the dirt of the ground all the animals of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the Man to see what he would name them.
Whatever the Man called each living creature, that was its name.
The Man named the cattle, named the birds of the air, named the wild animals; but he didn’t find a suitable companion.
21-22 GOD put the Man into a deep sleep. As he slept he removed one of his ribs and replaced it with flesh. GOD then used the rib that he had taken from the Man to make Woman and presented her to the Man.
23-25 The Man said, “Finally! Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh! Name her Woman for she was made from Man.”
Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh.
The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame.
I would like to focus on two verses – and I am going to read them from the Amplified translation this time:
18 Now the LORD God said, “It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him--a counterpart who is]
Lit like his opposite.suitable and complementary for him.
And after Adam named all the creatures of the world, Genesis verse 20 goes on to say
20…..but for Adam there was not found a helper [that was] suitable (a companion) for him.
Jesus himself talked very highly about the estate of marriage when he said this
“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’”
5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’
6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”…(Mt 19:4-6)
And St Paul said this
For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh (Eph 5:31)
I would like to look at a few ideas about marriage that come from Genesis 2.
1. MARRIAGE WAS IN GOD’S PLAN FOR THE WORLD WHEN GOD SAW THAT ALL HIS CREATION WAS STILL GOOD.
The covenant of marriage is the only covenant in Scripture that was made before The Fall of mankind
i.e. before man and woman sinned.
In other words it was made at the time when God reviewed his creation and saw it was good.
Marriage was in God’s perfect plan for a man and a woman.
Put another way, even if Adam and Eve had never sinned, marriage was in God’s perfect plan for Adam.
While the heavens and the earth were still in “good order” – that is when God described them as good, God ordained marriage.
And it is important to remember that.
Marriage as Christians is not simply a chance encounter.
It is something we must take very seriously.
We need to encourage the singles in our congregations to ask the question. Has God called them to be married and if yes then to pray about who they marry.
But we are all married here today and so I want to say to you - It is God’s will that we are married
But like other things in life, we have to work at them to make them work.
It is so easy to say that one partner in a marriage has “fallen out of love” with the other therefore let’s divorce.
Steve Turner wrote a poem, which I think is so apposite to this way of thinking
She said she’d love me for eternity
But managed to reduce it to six months for good behaviour.
She said the future was all ours
But the deeds were made out in her name.
She said we fitted like hand in glove
But when the warm weather came along
Such accessories weren’t needed.
She said I was the only one who understood her completely,
And when she left me he said I’d understand completely!
NO, Marriage is more than feeling in love
Marriage is more than simply being in love. It includes GIVING YOUR WORD.
And that should drive all of us to work hard at our marriages.
The only time I think divorce is an option is if there is danger to life and limb from the other party in the marriage.
Or danger to the children from the other party in the marriage.
Let me remind you of the words of the Anglican marriage service which I think sum up well what the covenant of marriage is all about:
The groom is asked if, will you take your fiancée to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour
and protect her, and, forsaking all others,
be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?
He answers I will.
The minister says to the bride
Will you take your fiancé to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?
Please note something that is very important here:
To be faithful to your husband or wife as long as you both shall live.
This is a promise you are making before God.
And then the groom is asked to say that he will take his fiancée to be his wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward;
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part; according to God's holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow.
And then the bride is asked if she will take her fiancé to be her husband:
to have and to hold from this day forward;
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part; according to God's holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow.
2. WHAT IS IN THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT?
As the marriage covenant is first and foremost a covenant between the two Contracting parties.
So what are the terms of the contract.
I believe that a Christian marriage contract contains at least the following
1. A first promise of the marriage contract is that it is life long as long as both parties live.
In the book of Malachi we read how Jewish men as they got older – they would divorce their older wives, the wives of their youth, to get a younger trophy wife and God had this to say about the practice… We read in
13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favour on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.
14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.
16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,”[e] says the LORD Almighty. (Malachi 2:13 -16)
A divorced wife was very vulnerable in Malachi’s time. There was no social network to look after her and she could literally starve or be forced to beg to eat. Indeed that is why the custom of gleaning came about.
2. A second promise in the contract of marriage is that both parties promise to look after the other in good times and in bad in sickness and in health
3. And the third promise of the contract is that both parties promise to be faithful.
Do you recall the words in the Anglican service - forsaking all others, be faithful to him or her as long as you both shall live?
There is no get out clause along the lines popularly put forward by married people wanting to divorce:
Well I don’t love him/her anymore but I love someone else now.
ADULTERY is not a Christian option.
To avoid falling into this situation, I make sure that I don’t get into any situation where I can fall in love with someone else who isn’t my wife.
If I find that I find someone in church attractive to me, say in Church, I will swap languages and tell Maddy in German to keep an eye on me.
Just to make sure I don’t spend too much time with this woman.
This is my protection mechanism. Others have different ways of avoiding getting into compromising relationships.
Another protection mechanism is that I try to make sure I can take Maddy with me when I visit a single woman or a married woman alone in her house.
And please note that marriage is for as long as you both live.
Story: I was at a conference in Interlaken in the 90’s where John Wimber gave this prophetic word and he said something like this:
There is a lie going through the Christian community which says that if my wife was dead this other woman would be a wonderful wife for me.
I was quite shocked when I heard that because if people do actually think like that it is the first step in breaking the marriage covenant.
TRUST is extremely important in marriage
2. IN A GODLY MARRIAGE BOTH PARTIES ARE EQUAL AND BRING SOMETHING TO THE TABLE.
Let’s take a look again at Genesis 2:18 from the Amplified version again
18 Now the LORD God said, “It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him--a counterpart who is]
Lit like his opposite.suitable and complementary for him.
A wife is to be complementary to her husband.
She makes up for what is deficient in her husband.
For example in our marriage we have various roles
I can’t cook, so that is Maddy’s role in the family.
If the fuses go in the house, I am the one that tries to sort that out – or if electrical appliances need fixing.
We each have different and complimentary roles in the marriage.
The famous 17th Century Bible Commentator said this about the creation of Eve.
“Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to lord over him,
neither out of his feet to be trampled on by him,
but out of his side to be equal with him,
under his arm to be protected by him,
and near his heart to be loved by him.”
Story: In 1994, I went to a Christian convention run by Danny Moser’s church under the apostolic leadership of Robert Ewing, who Maddy and I liked a lot.
I was asked to sit next to an American because this was a German speaking convention and spoke the same language
I asked him what his name was and he said Harold Fox. I asked him what he did and he said he was a prophet.
Without really thinking I asked him if he had a message from God for me and he said yes.
He went on to tell me I wouldn’t be in Switzerland much longer which baffled me as we had inherited a very nice house from Maddy parents and I had a very good job with Sandoz as a patent lawyer in Switzerland and I wasn’t looking to move.
However the prophecy came to fruition as four days later I was headhunted by a group - totally unknown to Harold Fox - for the job of being Group Patents Manager at Reckitt and Colman.
You have to weigh up the prophecy but Maddy agreed with prayer. She was my confirmation about the move.
But the comment Harold Fox added to the prophecy was very important my marriage.
He said “Listen to your wife”.
At that time I didn’t really listen to Maddy.
But from that day onwards, it has been Maddy who has chosen the houses we have lived in.
I used the expression “in a godly marriage” because many marriages even between Christians may not necessarily be Godly.
Look what God said in Genesis 2 about Eve:
18 Now the LORD God said, “It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him--a counterpart who is]
Lit like his opposite.suitable and complementary for him.
Which brings me to the point that in a marriage the husband and wife should bring complimentary gifts to the marraige.
And the husband needs to support his wife in what they do and the wife her husband.
St Paul says this in Ephesians 5 and I am reading from the Message
Relationships
21Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.
22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favour—since they’re already “one” in marriage.
I think Eugene Petersen has picked up the sense of the relationship of husband to wife here very well.
As Christ leads his Church, so the husband leads the wife and family.
One of the problems in our society is that women try to usurp the role of the husband
But is not just one sided. Husbands in many cases have lost the art of leading by cherishing rather than domineering.
If you want to lead your wife – ask the question are you willing to die for her as Christ died for the Church.
If you want to lead your wife – are you looking out for her best ahead of your best.
Story: In the early 90’s when I had qualified as a British Patent Attorney as well as a European Patent Attorney, I was offered a job with Ladas and Parry in the USA so I could qualify as a US Patent Attorney.
There are only about a dozen people that had all three qualifications. So this would have been a great step forward professionally.
Not only would this have been a good move professionally, the money would have been good.
I loved the profession so I didn’t need any motivation to study.
But then what about Maddy. She would be in a foreign country away from her parents and brothers and sister in Switzerland with two young boys to look after.
I turned the job down.
I believe that is what St Paul means about Godly male leadership in the family.
You decide taking into account what is best for your wife and the family.
Having talked about what marriage is I would like to look at the process of getting married and I would like to simply look at Genesis 2:20 which says
Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh.
You have three actions
1. Leave
2. Cleave and
3. Become one flesh
1. Leave
The most important process of the marriage is leaving.
Story: When I was at Wycliffe we had a couple in our house group and the wife allowed her mother to live in the family home despite the fact that the mother was always putting her husband down whenever she could.
The wife told me that she had to have her mother living with them because of the commandment to honour your parents.
I pointed out to her that that does not mean having your mother come into the family home and destroy the marriage.
I explained that her first commitment was to her husband and not her mother and that because the wife’s mother was slowly destroying the marriage, the mother had lost the right to live with them.
And the wife would still be honouring her mother by finding the mother somewhere to live other than in their home.
Honour in this case was to find somewhere where the mother was safe but couldn’t come into the marriage to destroy it.
The problem had come about because the wife had not made a clean “break from her parental home”.
Emotionally she hadn’t left home and made her marriage her prime relationship.
But I’d like to tell you a good story about leaving
I know you’ll find it hard to believe but one day Maddy went home to her parents and asked them to come and talk with me about a problem about me.
Maddy’s parents said NO. You have to work that problem out yourselves and they didn’t get involved.
2. Cleave
The second part of the process of becoming a married couple is the two people cleave to each other
As David Atkinson in his Commentary on Genesis 1-11 says:
“Cleaving is the covenant-faithfulness word. This is the central concept of covenant fidelity.
It points to the committed faithfulness that promises to the other; that whatever the future holds, the couple intend to face it as a pair. (page 75)
David Atkinson suggests that there are at least four aspects to this faithfulness.
i). Faithfulness to the promise that you make when you get married.
There will be times when the marriage goes through troubles and the vow you made at marriage reminds you.
YOU GAVE YOUR WORD.
You might not feel like the love you once had is there. But the promise you make in marriage is that you will make it work as best you can.
ii) Faithfulness to the calling to be married
Remember what Jesus said about marriage
Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together
As Christians, your marriage is a calling and will impact on what you do.
Christian marriage is more than the romantic view of being in love or seeing marriage as a social status. Rather it is a life of two people lived in the presence of God, because you know he has called you to be together.
It is going to impact your life – as happed when I turned down the Ladas Parry job in New York.
iii) Thirdly we have Faithfulness to a person
David Atkinson puts it well when he says:
Faithfulness is not just based on function – that is staying together for the sake of appearances. Cleaving is a commitment to the other person and involves the positive commitment to the freedom, maturity and growth of the other person.
4. Finally we have the commitment is to a relationship
As Lewis Smedes put it
" at the beating heart of any marriage is the delicate, fragile, often painful but potentially joyful relationship of two persons face to face in a personal encounter”
In other words I am prepared to work at my marriage to make it happen.
3. And finally the third action in the process of marriage is becoming one flesh.
David Atkinson put it well when he said
“This means the personal union of man with a woman and woman with a man at all levels of their lives which is expressed in and deepened through the sexual relationship.”
Of course this covers the procreation of children but it is important to add that it is not just bringing the child into the world that matters but the godly bringing the child up well.
Marriage is a bit like the Swiss countryside. Your will have your peaks and troughs. Remember too that when you have problems you aren’t the only ones.
When someone tells me that they haven’t had a cross word between them in their marriage, either one is a doormat or they are simply not telling the truth.
