HoHum:
An engineer and a professional counselor meet for their 20th college reunion. The engineer says, “I’m surprised to see you looking so young. I’d have thought listening to people’s problems all day would have given you a mass of wrinkles?” The counselor says, “You think we listen?”
WBTU:
In my work as a hospice chaplain, I often have to employ counseling skills. However, even before I became a chaplain, many times I was the person that people would come and ask, “Can I speak with you in private about a problem I am having?”
Have a friend of mine who complains, “I am not a counselor but people keep coming to me with their problems. I wish they would go to a professional counselor.” Often suggest to people that they need to see a professional Christian counselor about this, but many times they refuse. Why?
There is a stigma against going to a professional counselor. “I am not crazy”
There is the issue of time, money and energy. Until their problem becomes unbearable, they will not take the effort to seek professional help.
So what do we do when we are in a counseling situation and we are not a professional counselor? Glad that you asked this question. Counseling for Amateurs or Counseling 101- summarizing much material from my education and experience to help us in those situations
Thesis: All Christian counseling needs to focus on James 1:19-20
For instances:
“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone ...” James 1:19, NIV.
I am not a counseling kind of person- notice the verse: Take note of this, everyone should... Some are more inclinded for this than others but every Christian should strive to be this way
Might be sharing with someone who is not a Christian. All people matter to God and should matter to us. See the worth in this person who is asking for help. This is a person for whom Christ died and this person is coming to us for help. Every meeting with another person is a privilege. “Be wise in the way you act towards outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.” Colossians 4:5. Should be honored that God is using us in this way
Some words of caution: Make sure this is a person of the same gender, and no matter what they say never break confidentiality. The only exception to this is if they are going to harm themselves or someone else. Don’t want to be accomplices to suicide, murder or crime. Also, get permission from this person if going to tell spouse or someone else. Good rule is if they are telling us then we are going to talk about this with our spouse. Amateur counselors...
Take a deep breath- remember this is not a stranger, already have some connection to us because they are approaching us. Think of them as a friend and this friend wants help/listen
“...Everyone should be quick to listen” James 1:19, NIV.
Let them talk. Do not interrupt them. How many people get an opportunity to talk and really be heard. Get into a position where the attention is focused on them. Do not fiddle with cell phone or any other thing. Focus eyes on the one talking. If have somewhere to go let them know how much time we have so they can plan accordingly. If run out of time, let them know that we have to go but make an appointment with them to talk about this again. What they are dealing with is important to us.
Cultivate an awareness of our ignorance. There is much about this person that we don’t know. There is much about their problem that we do not know. Fight the temptation that we have this person or their problem all figured out. They might touch on an issue we have dealt with but fight the temptation to blurt out what we know or experienced. We need to be quiet for a while, and listen and wait.
Be comfortable with silence. Give this person time to gather their thoughts. Some can spout words like a fountain while others take time to complete a sentence. Do not rush them. Need to guard against the temptation to stop listening because we are thinking of a good response when they stop talking. 3 thoughts on when the person becomes silent:
Repeat some portions of what the person has just said. At first this seems silly but for many this opens them up. They are thinking that we really are listening and are taking in what they are saying. They are inclined to elaborate and say more. “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5, NIV. Had a counseling professor who said that if we want to get under the surface and draw people out, we need to stop asking questions. Had several counseling practicums where we were buzzed if we asked a question. Just repeat or summarize what they just said. What if they say, “Thanks Captain Obvious, that is what I just said,” then say something like, “Yes, I know but I am just trying to understand the details better” or “Tell me more about this or that...”
It is true that the one asking the questions controls the conversation. However, we do not want to control the conversation. As the listener, think of ourselves as the passengers rather than the drivers of the conversation. Imagine how we would feel if we were driving down the highway and the person in the passenger seat suddenly grabbed the steering wheel and forced the car to exit. Stop having that passenger in my car! On the road of listening, open or clarifying questions are like a friend getting out a map and saying, “Is this the route we want to take, or are we interested in this one?” Clarifying questions are useful when people begin to repeat themselves and seem to have lost their focus. An example is, “Can you please clarify what you meant when you said this...”
Let their be silence. The silence will be filled. The original idea of psychotherapy is to get a person talking and they will come up with solutions to their own problems, just by talking and thinking through their issues. The picture of a person laying on a couch and a counselor sitting in a chair with a notepad and the person is just talking on and on has some validity.
“Slow to speak” James 1:19
Yes, there comes a point in the conversation where they will ask for our advice or we feel like we need to give some counsel (counseling). Do not rush- remember be slow to speak
Dr. Melvin Styons gave us BIFOP when coming to this point
B- Build a bridge (We have built a bridge through listening and showing them that we care)
I- Identify the issue. If the issue is clear say, “Am I hearing you say that...” and have this person clearly define the issue. If the main issue is undefined say this, “If there is one particular matter you want us to focus attention on above all others, what is it?” Don’t leave this meeting until there appears to be a verbal agreement between the two of us and an appointment to meet again about this one issue.
F- focus on facts. As come together again about this issue, let’s summarize the facts and how we have progressed.
O- Offer an objective or objectives. Think of an appropriate behavioral objective. What are steps that we can do or things that we can work on to help in this situation?
P- Plan procedure. 3 things under this
What are possible approaches? What have we tried in the past? What suggestions have we received from others? What does the Bible teach about this issue?
What are possible consequences from these steps? If we work on this or take this action what might we expect? What might be some obstacles in our way?
Make sure this person agrees with this course of action. Homework is appropriate. Ask about homework at next meeting. Good to have homework for both of us.
Make sure to bathe everything in prayer. If person seems agreeable, pray about this situation at the end of the meeting. When a person searches for meaning and direction, asking questions and testing out statements, we must realize that this person wants more. They really want God. Clement of Alexandria called prayer “keeping company with God.” We must invite God into these meetings even if this other person does not want it. Our conversation must be conditioned by God’s speaking and listening, that God met us there. “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” Colossians 4:2, NIV.
“Slow to become angry” James 1:19
Anger will definitely be a stumbling block in counseling- hard time listening to someone with whom we are angry. The word anger here goes beyond just the emotion. This is an impulse to wrath because of something displeasing in another person. Goes along with vs. 20.
Find this in amateur counseling, we advise someone to do something and they come back next time and they have done nothing. Natural reaction is to become displeased with that person. We give up on that person. 3 things in that regard:
Was the objective that we wanted to work on too difficult? If there another objective that we can work on that would be easier? Is there something wrong with the plan?
Do you want help with this issue or do you just need someone with whom to talk? I can just listen. I am here for you.
My grandpa, “Just do something, even if it is wrong, do something!” What if the person does nothing and just keeps coming time and time again and nothing changes. People need a friend who will pay attention to who they are, not a project manager who constantly orders additional busywork. Our presence is needed more than any formula for success.
As we practice these counseling skills, we will notice 2 things:
People thrive when we focus attention on them. As we practice true listening, they will begin to trust us and let us journey with them below the surface issues of their lives.
They will invite us into some of their messy, confusing, and painful problems. They will begin looking to us for friendship. Exciting and dangerous part of being an amateur counselor.
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:6, NIV.
