Colossians 3:19–21 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (ESV)
One of the most terrifying moments of a not-yet-married man’s life is meeting his girlfriend’s father. The much-anticipated introduction is an unending fountain of humor for friends and family, but it’s more often an occasion for horror for the young man. What will dad say? What will he ask? Will he be armed? The moment is a mountain to overcome in almost any relationship... Part of the problem is trying to understand a father’s role in his daughter’s pursuit of marriage. In today’s ideal scenario, she brings home a guy the whole family can love, and the rest is matrimony. But as good as ideal sounds, it’s hard to find that picture in the Bible, and ultimately it’s far too simple for most not-yet-married realities anyways. What if dad isn’t all that involved in her life? What if her parents aren’t believers? How about if she moved and met her man far away from home? What if she’s still single at 25, 30, maybe even 40? These kinds of complexities can make honoring parents, setting expectations, and finding husbands feel hopeless. As a trend, dads seem to be less and less involved in their daughter’s dating. It actually makes for a dangerous situation because God means for spiritual headship and leadership to be a more seamless handoff, not this disjointed affair that leaves the young woman spiritually and emotionally uncovered from age fifteen until her wedding day. We’ve relegated dads to a last-minute interview before engagement when God meant for them to be active, available agents of wisdom and safekeeping. Foolish dads relish the gun-bearing, tough-guy role. The wise dads relish the opportunity to develop a real, intentional, grace-and-truth relationship with the man who might be tasked with caring for their daughter for the rest of her life. (http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/dads-date-your-daughter-s-boyfriend)
In the first century, the role of the Father was much different than today. For the Colossian context, it was much more of a ruling male. The ancient world was a man’s world, and even among the Jews the wife was often little more than chattel. Jew and Gentile alike assumed that the head of a household would wield an authority which others were bound to obey. Paul does not openly challenge this assumption, but he modifies both the authority and its acceptance by the Christian principle of mutual love and deference, so that both are transformed. (Vaughan, C. (1981). Colossians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 218). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.).
Irregardless if you are a man or a woman, a child or a parent, a grandparent or have never had kids, Colossians 3 is speaking to you. In the context of Fatherhood, every person in the body of Christ should see a role and responsibility. This is because a person in Christ has a new center of reference, a new Lord of life, and thus operates out of a totally new understanding of reality (Dunnam, M. D., & Ogilvie, L. J. (1982). Galatians / Ephesians / Philippians / Colossians / Philemon (Vol. 31, p. 386). Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Inc.)
Through wise, godly counsel, in Colossians 3:19-21 the Apostle Paul shows the roles, responsibilities, attitudes and actions for members of a godly family, through:
1) A Word to Husbands (Colossians 3:19), 2) A Word to Children (Colossians 3:20), 3) A Word to Parents (Colossians 3:21)
God cares and instructs on the roles, responsibilities, attitudes and actions for members of a godly family, first in:
1) A Word to Husbands (Colossians 3:19)
Colossians 3:19 [19] Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (ESV)
To show the love of God, in Colossians 3:19 Paul addresses two commands to husbands. First, they must love their wives. Although is may seem so bizarre that this is commanded we can see many reasons for it. Interestingly enough, God did not need directly command Women to do this. As a whole they are loving and nurturing. But as a general tendency, men are not loving. Relating the drive that many men have in the rest of their lives, women can be seen as a conquest, and once conquered, as an object to fulfill needs and desires. This tendency for selfish dominance is the starting point for this command. Paul urges husbands to “love [agapate] your wives.” This of course is their supreme duty. Agapao does not just denote affection or romantic attachment; it rather denotes caring love, a deliberate attitude of mind that concerns itself with the well-being of the one loved. Self-devotion, not self-satisfaction, is its dominant trait. (Vaughan, C. (1981). Colossians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 218). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.)
The present tense of the imperative agapate (love) indicates continuous action. The verb itself seems best understood in the New Testament to express a willing love, not the love of passion or emotion, but the love of choice—a covenant kind of love. The tense of the verb (present imperative in Greek) denotes a continual daily love. (Ellis, D. (1988). Commentary on the Book of Colossians. In R. E. Picirilli (Ed.), Galatians through Colossians (First Edition, p. 437). Nashville, TN: Randall House Publications.)
• Perhaps you’re the kind of guy who says: “My wife should know I love her, I give her a new toaster, vacuum or cleaning supplies every year on our anniversary”. It is clear from this command in Col. 3:19, that the nature of the love that God expects us to show our wives, is daily, self-sacrificial devotion.
That is why this love defined here is not simply a matter of affectionate feeling or sexual attraction; it involves his active and unceasing care for her well-being It could be translated, “keep on loving.” It must not give way to bitterness. The willing, covenant love in view here is the activity of self-sacrifice. It is a deep affection that views the wife as a sister in the Lord and the object of a promise to be kept. The love that Paul commands sees the wife as a fellow heir to grace (cf 1 Pet. 3:7), a best friend, and life-partner. Such love was expressed by Isaac for Rebekah. (Gen. 24:67). (Bruce, F. F. (1984). The Epistles to the Colossians, to Philemon, and to the Ephesians (p. 164). Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.).
• When you look at the true picture of love, you begin to understand why couples tend to separate. When infatuation or perceived compatibility is the basis, when those circumstances change, the perception of love changes. When a covenant of marriage is understood and founded on biblical love, then that true love can solidify and grow in a marriage.
Please turn to Ephesians 5
In Ephesians 5:25, Paul wrote, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church.” Obviously, in spite of the failings of the church, Christ has continually loves her with grace and forgiving mercy and thus has never become bitter because of the church’s many sins. The irony is this whole situation is that the only way that Husbands can truly love their wives is if God is their first love. If the love of wife goes before the love of God, then that regard will fail to be true love. Such a love would have a shallow referent: to changing tastes, and circumstances. When our love is first grounded in an immovable referent of God Himself, then He not only perfectly defines that love but also supernaturally enables that love, through His Spirit. Her inner beauty and self-fulfillment were to be his delight, and he would do whatever he could to promote her personal well-being and satisfaction. The model is Christ’s love for the church (Melick, R. R. (1991). Philippians, Colossians, Philemon (Vol. 32, p. 313). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.).
The nature of this love is beautifully expressed in Ephesians 5:22–33:
Ephesians 5:22-33 [22] Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. [24] Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. [25]Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, [26]that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, [27]so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. [28] In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, [30] because we are members of his body. [31]"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." [32] This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. [33] However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (ESV)
• God designed that a wife’s submission operate within a context of love. In that way she is protected because a man who truly loves his wife would never force her to submit to something humiliating, degrading, or that violates her conscience. The godly husband loves his wife like Christ loves the church. Marriage from the beginning of creation (Genesis 1) was created by God to be a reflection of and patterned after Christ’s relation to the church. Thus Paul’s commands regarding the roles of husbands and wives do not merely reflect the culture of his day, (or these days) but present God’s ideal for all marriages at all times, as exemplified by the relationship between the bride of Christ (the church) and Christ himself, the Son of God (Crossway Bibles. (2008). The ESV Study Bible (p. 2272). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles.)
Husbands also must not be harsh/embittered against their wives. The imperative pikrainesthe (do not be harsh with them/embittered) could be translated, “stop being bitter,” or “do not have the habit of being bitter” This is a PRESENT MIDDLE IMPERATIVE with a NEGATIVE PARTICLE, which usually means to stop an act in process (Utley, R. J. (1997). Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians) (Vol. Volume 8, p. 46). Marshall, TX: Bible Lessons International.). In its only other uses in the New Testament (Rev. 8:11; 10:9, 10) it refers to something bitter in taste. Paul tells husbands not to call their wives “honey,” and then act like vinegar. They must not display harshness of temper or resentment toward their wives. They are not to irritate or exasperate them, but rather to provide loving leadership in the home. (A. T. Robertson, Word Pictures in the New Testament [Grand Rapids: Baker, 1931], 4:506).
The passive voice of being harsh/embittered here presumably implies that the bitterness is experienced by the husbands. When a wife disappoints a husband’s (possibly self-centered) hopes and ambitions, when she does not live up to his unrealistic ideals for her, bitterness and then harshness are close at hand (Woodhouse, J. (2011). Colossians and Philemon: So Walk in Him (p. 222). Ross-shire, Great Britain: Christian Focus.) A wife belongs to Christ by right of creation and by the work of redemption (Christ died for her). If husbands mistreat their wives, they must answer to Christ. The Puritan writer Matthew Henry had the right idea when he wrote: ‘Eve was not made out of Adam’s head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected and near his heart to be loved’. (McNaughton, I. S. (2006). Opening up Colossians and Philemon (p. 75). Leominster: Day One Publications.)
Illustration: Dr. Robert Seizer, in his book Mortal Lessons: Notes in the Art of Surgery, tells of performing surgery to remove a tumor in which it was necessary to sever a facial nerve, leaving a young woman’s mouth permanently twisted in palsy. In Dr. Seizer’s own words: "Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamp light, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry-mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, greedily? The young woman speaks. “Will my mouth always be like this?” she asks. “Yes,” I say, “it will. It is because the nerve was cut.” She nods, and is silent. But the young man smiles. “I like it,” he says. “It is kind of cute.” All at once I know who he is. I understand...Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I, so close, can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works. (Richard Seizer, Mortal Lessons: Notes on the Art of Surgery (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1976), pp. 45, 46.). It is possible to love your spouse as your own body. Practically, this means that the husband must do all he can to understand her world (Hughes, R. K. (1989). Colossians and Philemon: the supremacy of Christ (pp. 117–118). Westchester, IL: Crossway Books.)
God cares and instructs on the roles, responsibilities, attitudes and actions for members of a godly family, second in:
2) A Word to Children (Colossians 3:20)
Colossians 3:20 [20] Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. (ESV)
Paul now turns to the second relationship in the ancient home, that of parents and children. Consideration for children as persons and individuals is novel in the hellenistic period because children were generally held in low esteem in Greco-Roman society.( Thurston, B. B. (2007). Reading Colossians, Ephesians, and 2 Thessalonians : a literary and theological commentary (p. 58). Macon, GA: Smith & Helwys Publishing.)
This relationship category of parents and children. cannot be right unless the relationship between husband and wife is right. Tekna (children) is a general term for children and is not limited to a specific age group. The word for Children (tekna, directly refers to “young children living at home”), but generally to any child still living in the home and under parental guidance. (Barton, B. B., & Comfort, P. W. (1995). Philippians, Colossians, Philemon (p. 223). Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.)
“Obey” (hypakouete) implies a readiness to hear and carry out orders; the child is to listen to and carry out the instructions of his parents. The present tense of the imperative, indicates that such action is to be habitual, continuous obedience. (Vaughan, C. (1981). Colossians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 219). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.).
That children are to honor and obey their parents is taught repeatedly in Scripture. It appears in the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Ex. 20:12). Striking or cursing one’s parents was punishable by death in the Old Testament (Ex. 21:15–17; Lev. 20:9), as was continued disobedience (Deut. 21:18–21). Children are to listen to their parents’ instruction and obey it (Prov. 1:8; 6:20). Disobedience to parents marks the ungodly: “Men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy” (2 Tim. 3:2; cf Rom. 1:30). (cf Prov. 30:17; Matt. 15:4–5; Mark 7:10–13). To obey implicitly means that there are rules to obey. C.S. Lewis said: "If the home is to be a means of grace it must be a place of rules … the alternative to rule is not freedom but the unconstitutional (and often unconscious) tyranny of the most selfish member". (C. S. Lewis as quoted in Barton, B. B., & Comfort, P. W. (1995). Philippians, Colossians, Philemon (p. 224). Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.) The book of Proverbs contains a number of poignant descriptions of the fall-out that occurs when children do not heed this warning: ‘A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is the grief of his mother’ (Prov. 10:1)….It is a particularly cruel disillusionment when lives that once promised much are wasted: ‘A foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness to her who bore him’ (Prov. 17:25). Furthermore, the grief and regrets are one-sided: ‘A foolish man despises his mother’ (Prov. 15:20). We should also note that unruly and unmanageable children are one of the marks of a collapsing culture and a society under judgement (Rom. 1:30). Paul warned Timothy that a rebellious youth culture will mark human civilization in ‘the last days’, by which he meant the period of history inaugurated at the first coming of Christ and which will be with us until he returns. ‘But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: for men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents …’ (2 Tim. 3:1). Timothy was instructed to ‘turn away’ from people like that (2 Tim. 3:5). Christian young people who follow his example may have to go against the prevailing culture and in so doing leave their contemporaries in no doubt that the gospel changes things. (Arthur, J. P. (2007). Christ All-Sufficient: Colossians and Philemon Simply Explained (pp. 176–177). Darlington, England: Evangelical Press.)
• Do people in your peer group speak of their parents as though they were the opposition, there to be hoodwinked, milked for cash and otherwise ignored? Do you have brothers or sisters? Would you like them to become Christians too? All your efforts will be undermined if, day in, day out, they see you being disobliging and belligerent to the parents you have in common.
Please turn to Luke 14
Children are to obey their parents in everything/all things. The only limit placed on a child’s obedience is when a parent demands something contrary to God’s law. Jesus knew that some children would have to defy their parents to come to faith in Him. Just as the only way that Husbands can truly love their wives is if God is their first love, so too Children must love God first:
Luke 14:25-33 [25]Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, [26]"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. [27] Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. [28] For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? [29] Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, [30] saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.' [31] Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? [32] And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. [33] So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple. (ESV)
• In three complementary ways of describing complete commitment, Christ’s disciples must (1) love their family less than they love Christ (14:26) for “Hating” is a Semitic expression for loving less (cf. Gen. 29:30–31; Deut. 21:15–17; Matt. 10:37).; They must also (2) bear the cross and follow Christ (v. 27); and (3) be willing to relinquish everything (v. 33) (Crossway Bibles. (2008). The ESV Study Bible (p. 1988). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles.)
The motive for obedience is that pleases/is well-pleasing to the Lord. As God was well-pleased with His own Son (Matt. 3:17), so He deserves to be with other children. Many young people struggle with knowing God’s will for their lives. Obeying their parents is the right place to start. It is often in this basic obedience that clarity in other more sophisticated matters follows. What blessings would come to our homes if each member of the family said, “I will live each day to please Christ and make Him preeminent in all things.” There would be less selfishness and more love; less impatience and more tenderness; less wasting of money on foolish things and more living for the things that matter most.( Wiersbe, W. W. (1992). Wiersbe’s expository outlines on the New Testament (p. 583). Wheaton, IL: Victor Books.)
Hymn: Obedience is a universal feature of Christianity itself. As Obedience is taught and modeled it glorifies and pleases God. When that obedience is carried out “in the Lord,” that is, in fellowship with and dependence upon him, it is understood by every child, whether older or younger, who from the heart is able to sing: “When we walk with the Lord; In the light of his Word, What a glory he sheds on our way! While we do his good will; He abides with us still, And with all who will trust and obey. Trust and obey, for there’s no other way; To be happy in Jesus, But to trust and obey.” (J. H. Sammis as sited in Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953–2001). Exposition of Colossians and Philemon (Vol. 6, p. 171). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.)
Finally, we can see how God cares and instructs on the roles, responsibilities, attitudes and actions for members of a godly family, in:
3) A Word to Parents (Colossians 3:21)
Colossians 3:21[21] Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (ESV)
Fathers should create an atmosphere which will make obedience an easy and natural matter, namely, the atmosphere of love and confidence. Pateres (fathers) can be translated, “parents,” as it is in Hebrews 11:23. The duty in the family relationship is not one-sided. Parents also have obligations to their children. (Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953–2001). Exposition of Colossians and Philemon (Vol. 6, p. 172). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.)
Paul’s word to parents is do not provoke/exasperate your children. This is a PRESENT ACTIVE IMPERATIVE with a NEGATIVE PARTICLE which means stop an act in process, “stop exasperating your children (Utley, R. J. (1997). Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians) (Vol. Volume 8, p. 46). Marshall, TX: Bible Lessons International.).
Please turn to Ephesians 6
Provoke/Exasperate is an old word (Gr erethizo) and means to excite, to nag, to vex, to rouse to resentment (Eph 6:2–4). Fathers provoke/exasperate their children by: being inconsiderate, being too demanding, being over-corrective, and being unjust and severe. Parents also provoke/exasperate their children by continual faultfinding... and holding other children up as examples (Hindson, E. E., & Kroll, W. M. (Eds.). (1994). KJV Bible Commentary (p. 2465). Nashville: Thomas Nelson.)
Paul relates the duties of children with the responsibilities of Fathers:
Ephesians 6:1-4 [6:1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [2]"Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), [3]"that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." [4] Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (ESV)
• Parents play a crucial, God-ordained role in the discipleship of their children “in the Lord” (Eph. 6:1; cf. Deut. 6:1–9). In the new covenant the promise is eternal life, which begins when one is regenerated here and now and comes to full reality in the age to come. Paul is not teaching salvation on the basis of works. The obedience of children is evidence that they know God, and it results in receiving blessings from God (Crossway Bibles. (2008). The ESV Study Bible (p. 2272). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles.)
Failure of parents to obey this can cause children to become discouraged/lose heart. The idea of that term is “to be without courage, or spirit.” It has the sense of being listless, sullen, discouraged, or despairing. Parents can take the heart out of their children by failing to discipline them lovingly and instruct them in the ways of the Lord with balance. Constant nagging produces a situation where children are discouraged either because they cannot please those they love or because they feel they are of no worth to anybody. (Melick, R. R. (1991). Philippians, Colossians, Philemon (Vol. 32, p. 315). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.) The opposite of parenting that leads a child to become discouraged/lose heart is to have the kind of fatherhood which gives hope instead of discouragement; and gives happiness instead of discouragement; and gives confidence and courage. (Piper, J. (2007). Sermons from John Piper (1980–1989). Minneapolis, MN: Desiring God.)
• The most tragic stories of girls going into prostitution or boys joining gangs often seem to revolve around absent fathers. If we lament about the continual falling of societal morality and increased violence, then we need to look no further than the home. When Mothers and Fathers both step up and fulfilll their God ordained roles, then these are the tools that God uses to transform a home, community, society and world. Before we lament as to what is happening “out there”, we need to look at what is happening “in here”. As a church community, through adoption, and mentorship we can be the fathers and mothers to those who one reason or another lack this person in their lives.
Poem: The influence parents have in the lives of their children has been summed up in a perspective by Dorothy Law Nolte entitled “Children Learn What They Live”: "If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world". (Dorothy Law Nolte entitled “Children Learn What They Live”. Copyright 1982.)
For the most part, children do not create problems; they reveal them. Parents who cannot discipline themselves cannot discipline their children. If a father and mother are not under authority themselves, they cannot (properly) exercise authority over others. It is only as parents submit to each other and to the Lord that they can exercise properly balanced spiritual and physical authority over their children (Wiersbe, W. W. (1996). The Bible exposition commentary (Vol. 2, p. 143). Wheaton, IL: Victor Books.).
(Format Note: Outline & some base commentary from MacArthur, J. F., Jr. (1992). Colossians (pp. 167–172). Chicago: Moody Press.)
