Video Illustration: Unanswered by sermoncentral.com
Sermon 6: Finding joy in the journey through family – tag line - it comes from learning how to manage a family crisis and preventing family crisis’.
Thesis: We find joy in the journey of life through family when we learn to manage family crisis’ and prevent family crisis’. Looking at biblical examples is a great way to learn how to do both.
Scripture: 2 Samuel 13-18
Introduction:
We are going to explore the life of David as a father – Yes, David the OT hero of Israel – lion and bear slayer, Psalmist, Goliath slayer, king of Israel, a man after God’s own heart. My purpose today is not to be too severe or overly judgmental with our hero David. Time does not permit me to convey the deep admiration and respect I have for his example of leadership, personal strength, integrity, and unquestioned devotion to the Lord. We should all aspire to be a man or woman of God as David was! But, we also need to learn from his failure as a father and parent of what not to do, so we can find joy in the journey through our families.
Chuck Swindoll: “As we begin to examine this biblical story of physical and sexual abuse, let me assure you that my purpose is not to shock you or write something deliberately sensational. My motivation is to teach the Scriptures, which never glorifies heroes. Unfortunately, included in the history of one of the world’s most remarkable dynasties is an account of an appalling scandal that, tragically, occurs in families today. Our study of 2 Samuel 13 will immediately validate two timeless truths we instinctively know to be at work in the world.
1. First, the worst acts of evil can be found in the most respected home. There’s no such thing as a perfect family. They don’t exist.”
a. George Washington said in 1786, “It is to be lamented . . . that great characters are seldom without a blot.”
2. Second, unresolved evil leads to consequences that fester and cause more complications.
a. As unresolved evil festers, it causes debilitating psychological issues such as fear, nightmares, panic, paranoia, depression, anger, and even physical illness. As the evil spreads, it complicates relationships within the family, distorting one’s ability to be appropriately intimate or twisting the spirit to the point of rage and acts of violence. And worst of all, the sin can be perpetuated as the wounded soul becomes a villain to yet another generation of innocent victims.
i. The above quote from Swindoll, Charles R.. Parenting: From Surviving to Thriving (p. 89-90). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.
In our historical narrative of David King of Israel and his family we find disturbing sins. King David was said by God “to be man after His own heart” and he would do whatever God wanted. That is a great praise from God for David yet, our super hero of the Bible had family issues – serious family issues. King David was a great king and warrior for God but he was self-absorbed at times in his life a case in point is his affair with Bathsheba – Uriah’s wife – we have the pregnancy, the cover up, and the murder of one of his loyal friends because of sin. Sin always has repercussions even when we are forgiven – it sets things off in motion at the very act which cannot always be stopped.
Swindoll notes, “David had never experienced defeat on the battlefield. His success was phenomenal. Some scholars estimate that he expanded Israel’s territory from six thousand square miles to sixty thousand. The Lord forgave David’s sin and restored their intimate relationship; however, in His inscrutable sovereignty, He would allow the consequences of the king’s choices to unfold. In 2 Samuel 12:10–11, the Lord declared, “Now therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.” Swindoll, Charles R.. Parenting: From Surviving to Thriving (pp. 92-93). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.
David was also self-absorbed with leading and defending Israel to the point that he neglected his parenting responsibilities. He failed to be his children’s father and the ramification was rape -murder-national rebellion -civil war and death of thousands.
David had a problem too many wives and no attention and love for his children. In this dysfunctional family unit was different wives and children all at odds with each other – there was no harmony but suspicion, deception and mistrust from one set of siblings to another.
T.S. – Note the following points were taken from the book Recovering from the Losses of life by H. Norman Wright. Pages 91-140. They have been renamed or rearranged to apply to parenting and this sermon.
I. Prepared parents plan ahead, if at all possible, so they can be prepared for a transition, loss, or even a crisis.
a. Life is filled with predictable transitions – even losses – and these have the potential to become major losses and or crisis unless we ask the right questions: “How can I prepare for this event physically and what do I have to do to be ready for it spiritually and emotionally?”
i. Life stages are predictable! Are you planning for them?
1. Singlehood
2. Schooling
3. Career choice
4. Marriage
5. The 1st child
6. Child rearing stages
7. Crisis?
8. Empty nest syndrome
9. Sandwich generation
10. Retirement
11. Death of a spouse
12. Grief
a. Reflect; In what way have you anticipated changes, crisis or losses in your life and family?
b. The informal survey Kathy and I did on parenting with those whose kids were all saved.
i. What we discovered through trying to prepare for parenthood.
c. David was not a prepared parent – nor a good father – he did things that set up his own family up for failure – for crisis – for trauma and for pain and suffering.
i. He was absentee father is the observation I see from Scripture – he was not involved or protecting his children – he allowed his self-centered sin of lust to impact his family unit with multiple wives – a sin that would also bring his Son Solomon he had over a 1,000.
1. Swindoll states, “He was a courageous warrior, a prolific poet, a generous king, a magnetic leader, a remarkable administrator, a sensitive servant of God . . . and a polygamist. In the ancient world, having a collection of wives was not only a symbol of power, but it was expected of a king. But God established a higher standard for Israel’s kings, forbidding them to maintain a harem. Unfortunately, David chose to ignore what must have seemed to him an insignificant restriction and to indulge his sexual appetite. This decision would have no small effect on his family and, as a result, the entire kingdom. Alexander Whyte wrote: Polygamy is just Greek for a dunghill. David trampled down the first and the best law of nature in his palace in Jerusalem, and for his trouble he spent all his after-days in a hell upon earth. David’s palace was a perfect pandemonium of suspicion, and intrigue, and jealousy, and hatred—all breaking out, now into incest and now into murder. The Bible gives us the names of eight wives besides the unknown number of other wives and concubines, all of whom had children by David.
a. Swindoll, Charles R.. Parenting: From Surviving to Thriving (pp. 91-92). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.
2. David’s 8 wives – and do not forget the concubines! The following from https://www.gotquestions.org/wives-King-David.html.
a. David’s first wife was Michal, the daughter of King Saul. Her story begins in 1 Samuel 18—19.
b. The story of David’s second wife of note, Abigail, is told in 1 Samuel 25
c. The sad story of David’s wife Bathsheba is well known (2 Samuel 11:1–17). She was originally the wife of Uriah the Hittite, a trusted soldier in David’s army. While Uriah was away at war, David saw Bathsheba bathing in her courtyard one night; she was beautiful, and David lusted after her…David chronicled his sin and repentance over these evil acts in Psalm 51. David and Bathsheba had four more children (1 Chronicles 3:5). Their son Solomon ruled after his father’s death.
d. The other five named wives of David were Ahinoam, Maacah, Haggith, Abital, and Eglah (2 Samuel 3:2–5; 1 Chronicles 3:1–3).
i. "Who are the sons of David mentioned in the Bible?" Answer: First Chronicles 3:1–9 lists the sons of David. The list reads like this: These were the sons of David born to him in Hebron:
1. The firstborn was Amnon the son of Ahinoam of Jezreel;
2. the second, Daniel the son of Abigail of Carmel;
3. the third, Absalom the son of Maakah daughter of Talmai king of Geshur;
4. the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith;
5. the fifth, Shephatiah the son of Abital;
6. and the sixth, Ithream, by his wife Eglah.
a. These six were born to David in Hebron, where he reigned seven years and six months.
ii. David reigned in Jerusalem thirty-three years, and these were the children born to him there:
1. Shammua, Shobab, Nathan and Solomon. These four were by Bathsheba daughter of Ammiel. There were also Ibhar, Elishua, Eliphelet, Nogah, Nepheg, Japhia, Elishama, Eliada and Eliphelet—nine in all. All these were the sons of David, besides his sons by his concubines. And Tamar was their sister."
a. In addition to the nineteen sons David had by his wives were a number of unnamed sons David fathered through his concubines. He also had a daughter named Tamar. Another son named Jerimoth is mentioned in 2 Chronicles 11:18, although it is unclear whether he is one of the sons mentioned above (using another name) or one of David’s sons by a concubine.
iii. At least three of David’s sons died during David’s lifetime. In addition to the death of Bathsheba’s first son were the deaths of his sons Amnon and Absalom. Another son, Adonijah, was executed shortly after David’s death for trying to usurp the throne (1 Kings 2:25).
1. According to 2 Samuel 5:13, David had many more women in Jerusalem, but how many is unknown (They were concubines).
iv. David’s son Solomon succeeded him as king and later built the temple of the Lord that David had dreamed of building. Ultimately, Jesus Christ was born as a descendant of David (Matthew 1:1), providing a fulfillment of prophecy and bestowing the greatest possible honor to King David.
d. Prepared parents do not play the field – or go against Biblical precepts – they raise their family planning for success for all!
i. We are to have one spouse! The Apostle Paul also emphasized this truth from Scripture!
1. 1 Timothy 3:2
e. Prepared parents are there for their children not absent hoping it all works out!
i. They don’t just ignore them and hope it all turns out okay!
1. 2 Samuel 13
a. The rape of Tamar by Amnon and the revenge of Absalom all because a father had his head in the sand and refused to deal with the sin of his children. Or comfort and protect his daughter.
i. Let me say again - They don’t keep their heads in the sand and say they will figure it out on their own. Remember Eli and his sons?
II. Prepared parents have learned from the wisdom and experience of others.
a. Prepared parents have a desire to continue to learn and grow and help their children do the same.
i. This means you listen to sermons or messages like the one I am preaching today and the one from last week gleaming the spiritual points and the tidbits of wisdom that you can apply to your life.
ii. I went to the American Association of American Counselors for years and would take parenting classes from experts, I would read their books and learn and grow in being a better parent so would Kathy.
b. Maxwell states in chapter 7 of his recently published book titled Sometimes You Win – Sometimes You Learn, addresses the critical importance of a teachable spirit and a consistent, lifelong personal and professional attitude of teachability.
i. He states, “People often ask me what most determines if they will reach their potential (their goal). My answer: a teachable spirit.”
ii. He defines teachability as “possessing the intentional attitude and behavior to keep learning and growing throughout life.”
1. Dan Nielson stated, “Author and speaker John Naisbitt once said “No one subject or set of subjects will serve you for a foreseeable future, let alone the rest of your life.” That includes leadership. Even if we know something very well, it will not serve us forever. We must continue learning and expanding our skills, knowledge and wisdom.
iii. Maxwell writes, “You must have a teachable spirit. If you don’t, you will come to the end of your potential long before you come to the end of your life. If you want to be successful tomorrow, then you must be teachable today. You need more than a great mind for learning. You need to have a great heart for learning.”
1. The above taken from http://www.jhconline.com/great-leadership-requires-a-teachable-spirit.html
c. Sadly, David failed to grow in his parenting skills, his listening skills for his children!
i. This failure would create the tragic scene we just read about between Amnon, Tamar and Absalom and see the impact this dysfunction had on the nation of Israel!
d. We have to be life long learners when it comes to parenting!
i. Attend classes – read books – listen to podcasts – grow as a parent!
1. See resources at Focus on the Family - https://www.focusonthefamily.com/
2. See American Association of Christian Counselors website at https://www.aacc.net/
3. See resources by the Smalleys at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com
III. Prepared parents are not complainers to their children and repeatedly to others about their family.
a. They don’t complain in front of their kids and talk about them like they are not there!
i. Wright states, “They handle their feelings well and, even though they may be periodic bouts of feeling sorry for themselves, they don’t whine, grumble, complain, or become bitter. They seem to have discovered the futility of this attitude earlier in their lives.”
ii. David complained to God from time to time see Psalm 3, Psalm 64 and other Psalms:
1. Jon Bloom states, “To live in this age is to frequently experience trouble. We are troubled within and we are troubled without. Our troubles span the spectrum of trivial to traumatic. And these various kinds of troubles — James calls them trials (James 1:2) — are to be expected. We are not to be surprised by them (1 Peter 4:12).
And to help us faithfully endure these troubles, God gave us a very precious gift: psalms of lament. The Psalms are the prayers and hymns that God chose to teach us how to express ourselves to him in worship. They are God's word and the prayers of men, as Bonhoeffer says. And about one-third of them are laments.”
a. In these laments the writer pours out to God his sorrow (Psalm 137), anger (Psalm 140), fear (Psalm 69), longing (Psalm 85), confusion (Psalm 102), desolation (Psalm 22), repentance (Psalm 51), disappointment (Psalm 74), or depression (Psalm 88) either because of external evil or internal evil or darkness.
2. Bloom adds, “One thing this implies is that God expects us to frequently experience pain and therefore frequently express our pain to him. God wants us to pour out our complaints to him and tell him our troubles (Psalm 142:2). He wants us to do it privately, like David did when he wrote Psalm 142 in the cave of Adullam (1 Samuel 22). And he wants us to do it corporately, as when the people of Israel would sing Psalm 142 together. He wants us to tell him exactly what it feels like (“no one cares for my soul,” Psalm 142:4). And he wants us to remember that despite how things look and feel right now, because of his very great promises (2 Peter 1:4), someday these troubles will no longer afflict us (“you will deal bountifully with me,” Psalm 142:7).
The psalms of lament are treasures for the saints. They give inspired voice to our troubled souls.” From https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/god-wants-you-to-complain
iii. I don’t see David as a complaining to others about his family! Actually, I see the opposite with him!
1. He always tried seeing the best in his kids – which is good – but to never correct them or deal with bad behavior – he overlooked to much – spoke positive of his sons -yes- but they did evil.
a. I sometimes wonder if his sin with Bathsheba caused him to be too easy on his children? What do you think?
b. There is a balance in all this by the way.
i. But I threw this in because many parents are complainers in front of their children – and they do it to their children and that does not help you build healthy Biblical families.
iv. Complaining or murmuring is sin.
1. Gene Taylor states, “Sadly, many Christians are murmurers and complainers. In the home, on the job and in the local church they grumble, murmur and complain. They can see nothing good. To them, everything is bad—their life is miserable and they want to make it that way for everyone else… Make no mistake, murmuring is sin. "Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world" (Phil. 2:14-15). "Be hospitable to one another without grumbling" (1 Pet. 4:9). It causes one to perish (1 Cor. 10:10). Sadly, murmuring is one of the most prevalent sins among some brethren. Those who would never think of committing adultery or murder are guilty of this sin. Some who have the highest morals, adhere most closely to doctrine and are most liberal in their giving negate all the good things they do by whining. Discontent causes murmuring. Christians are taught to be content with necessities (1 Tim. 6:7-8); what they have (Heb. 13:5); their lot (Phil. 4:11); and God's way (Luke 5:5). Selfishness is the cause of murmuring (Phil. 2:4; Rom. 15:2). Selfish people want their way and do not like it one bit if they do not get it, therefore, they murmur.”
a. https://www.padfield.com/2001/murmuring.html
IV. Prepared parents have role models.
a. We don’t much about David’s role models – we know there was Samuel – the prophet! He shared with us last week the story of Eli and his worthless sons.
i. We see King Saul as a role model at one time – this did not turn out good!
ii. We know His father Jesse was most likely a role-model - We don’t know much about Jesse as a person; most of the Bible’s references to Jesse come in the context of his relation to his famous son David.
b. But to be an effective parent we need to learn from others – we need to find role-models!
i. Wright states, “They don’t try to carry the load themselves but look to others for insights they lack” (page 125).
ii. Les and Leslie Parrott are great role-models to follow and learn from:
1. Resource: https://www.lesandleslie.com/
a. Go to their website a lot of amazing stuff for marriage and parenting and family.
b. Illustration: Play video from Parenting the Early Years.
i. We will be running this series in Sept.
V. Prepared parents do not blame.
a. This trap is easy to fall into in parenting – we blame the school – the teachers – the police – the president and even other kids and so on it goes.
i. Josh states, “Do you know that there is one game that most people are really good at? In this game, you do your best to place the fault on other people rather than on yourself. The one who wins will be freed from any responsibility. However, as hard as you try, in most cases, EVERYONE is a loser. Do you play this game? I’m referring to the Blame Game.”
1. He adds, “The blame game is as old as the age of man. In fact, it was played by our first parents, Adam and Eve. After giving in to the temptation of Satan, Adam and Eve played the blame game. We find the story in Genesis 3. God interrogated Adam about his sin. God said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat” (verse 11)? Instead of owning the responsibility of his sin, Adam put the blame on Eve. He said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate” (v. 12). Now, God turned to Eve. However, Eve also played the blame game and passed the responsibility to Satan. Eve said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate” (v. 13). From then, man has mastered the art of blaming others as a convenient way to escape punishment.”
a. Above from https://becomingchristians.com/2017/02/01/are-you-playing-the-blame-game/
Conclusion:
What do we need to know from this message?
Answer: We need to be prepared parents who are able to cope with loss, transitions in life and major crisis’. A Prepared faith-filled parent finds a way to live in joy spite of what has happened to them with the help of the Holy Spirit. They still enjoy life and even laugh at times. See Psalm 30!
Why do we need to know this?
Answer: Choosing and praying for the ability to be flexible and be able to adapt to new situations is crucial to finding joy in the journey of life. We must have faith in God.
What do we need to do?
Answer: This week I was reading my devotion and read this thought – I believe it answers this question: “God does not expect you to see your tears as blessings right away. He does not ask that you break into a smile the moment a loved on is lost, or jump up and down when your world seemingly falls apart. All He asks is that you say “Yes” to the process. Each time you do, you’ll grow and become stronger. And in time, your joy will bloom even in the midst of great trials.” U-verse devotional though from plan Beyond happy day 5.
Why do we need to do these things?
Answer: I truly believe we will find joy in the journey through family and through the help of the Holy Spirit.
