Throughout my marriage, I continually struggled with the many constraints imposed upon me because of my wife’s health and multiple medical issues that required constant care and the time needed for meeting those needs. I made a legion of attempts to find a job that would provide the income necessary for her care and allow me the time to be active in the church. It was difficult because the demands of my time and focus continued to increase at home, and work in the church decreased. It was as if I had two full-time jobs, and I was just tired…period. As a result, I had to learn how to truly live in the moment and take no concern for tomorrow. This is still the only thing that gets me through each day.
I do not have the nurturing thing in me, so I had to fight my claustrophobic frustration and the root of bitterness daily for a long time. It was extremely difficult for me, and as time went on, I just didn’t have the patience or strength I once had to deal with it all. I lived in the zombie zone and stayed there.
My emotions, feelings, thoughts, and reactions were all extremely troubling to me, and that compounded it all. So, I was in a persistent quandary… my ministry was my wife, and I was failing miserably at it.
I am a pragmatic realist, and my wife was a melancholy dreamer. In the face of overwhelming reality and facts, she would hold firm in her determination to beat the odds. That helped her to stay alive as long as she did. She had been through far more than anyone I have ever known or heard of. She used a type of hope that things will get better if she just remained determined enough via faith.
I came to understand that hope is not a ‘thing’ but rather a person – i.e., Jesus – and that He wants us to trust in Him more than we trust that things will work out. All of the nonsense we went through only forced me to come to the place of daily re-energizing my trust in Jesus – most of the time I still do it kicking and screaming – which is why I coined the phrase ‘trusting-faith’ to describe what having real ‘faith’ is.
At the time, the thought of continuing in this journey for years to come was beyond my ability to consider. I wanted it all done and over with NOW! That had been my mantra for nearly four decades. Things did not improve, and life did not get better even with countless prayer and fasting. What happened is that I was forced to go deep into Jesus – trying to understand His character and nature and His love for me – so that I could cope and not heed the nagging desire to run away from it all.
I could spiritualize it all and say ‘saintly’ things, but the truth is that I was not, nor had I ever been, a cheerfully willing participant in any of this. The daily challenges tore and clawed at me like a trapped animal trying to free itself. I had been forcibly brought to having a deeper relationship with Jesus. All of my dreams and aspirations have been brutally dashed upon the rocks of reality.
I have uttered the Gethsemane prayer time and time again as a result of a seemingly coerced confession through the torture of my old nature. The fact is that I willingly chose to sign on the dotted line and had a supernatural glimpse of my future back at the beginning of our relationship. The truth is, I didn’t sign on for what happened because I was a faithful and fully devoted follower of Jesus, but rather, because I had visions of grandeur as ‘my’ ministry would flourish once Jesus healed my wife and I would reap the worldly rewards – and of course, God would get ‘all’ the glory.
Over time I had grown weary of talking about all the things I learned through these ‘faith’ challenges because I was constantly confronted of my LACK of love, mercy, patience, and trusting-faith. In spite of my delusions, I was forced to come to the place of abject surrender. In the midst of my anger, my despair, and humiliation, Jesus continued to, and still does to this day, ambush me with His love and capture my heart – yet it was more like a casualty and prisoner of war than a willing, submissive servant.
The amazing thing throughout my life is that I am constantly being overwhelmed by the majestic beauty and ravished heart of Jesus for me. He continues to become the ever expanding center of my existence and the focus of my desire. That has forced me to long for nothing else, and no one else, but Him alone. He has ruined me for anything else, and all the emotional pain, heartache, and physical exhaustion I felt ultimately began to fade as my real desire has slowly shifted from the things of this world and instead to be found in the Glory Realm, lost in the intimacy of divine embrace with Him. As one writer has so aptly said, “The more I seek Him, the more I find Him, and the more I find Him, the more I love Him.” The brilliance of His beauty always illuminates the darkness when we get out of the way.
The Contrite Heart
When a person goes before the Father to confess their sins, their failures and weaknesses, they are admitting that they are human and in need of forgiveness. True confession is painful, but when they do, "He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)
The Bible says to, "confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16 NIV). Confession is agreeing with God and others that one has sinned. “Confessing” sins is taking responsibility and acknowledging that you were wrong, then asking for forgiveness.
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart -- These, O God, You will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17 NKJV)
The word “contrite” is only found in four Bible passages (See Psalm 34:18; 51:17; Isaiah 57:15; 66:2). Etymologically the word implies a breaking of something that has become hardened. To be contrite is to be broken, crushed, and pulverized into little pieces, setting one free from rebellion and resistance to His will. The Bible says that “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV).
Contrition is that humble spirit that says, I am nothing, and He is everything. It is that inner brokenness that weeps over sin and sinners. This breaking doesn’t come about as a result of apologetic sorrow for a wrong committed or remorse of conscience, or fear of hell - it is experiencing the pain and sorrow of brokenness caused when a person stands naked and exposed before the one “whose name is holy” and recognize it is Jesus who has been grievously offended.
The Bible says that not only does God “live in a high and holy place,” but also with “him who is contrite and lowly in spirit” (Isa 57:15 NLT). Having a contrite heart means there is the absence of personal pride and the absolute exaltation of God and His will. It is recognizing that one's righteousness is “as filthy rags, and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away” (Isaiah 64:6 KJV). God promises to esteem the one who is humble and contrite in spirit and to revive their heart (See Isaiah 57:15).
Having a contrite heart does not come by force of will. It comes to the one that “trembles” and has a reverence for God’s Word (See Isaiah 66:2). When a person obeys His Word, they prove they love Him;
"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." (John 14:21 NIV)
A Heart of Flesh
When a person repents with a contrite heart, God “will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.” He will give them a “new heart and put a new spirit in you,” and He will “remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:25-27 NIV).
This is the only way that a person will be able to love God with their whole strength (See Luke 10:27). Brokenness will lead them to hatred and horror of sin and will grow so strong that they will desire with all their heart to stop sinning.
The beautiful God desires that all men would “be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth” (1 Timothy 2:3-4 NIV). Salvation is conditional and comes about only “if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9 NIV). He passionately wants all people converted and returned to Him:
“with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.' Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.” (Joel 2:12-13 NIV)
Becoming a Horse Whisperer
The true brokenness of a contrite heart is when the restlessness of unhappiness and discontent dissipates as the Christian comes to God with no demands or petitions and longs for nothing else, and no one else, but Jesus alone.
As a result of my own experience in the church, I carried the belief for many years that to be an effective leader, flowing strongly with the power and anointing of God, and I had to be a strong authoritarian that would help elicit obedience from others. This carried over into ministry, and I became a dogmatic apologist.
I can only best describe my behavior as akin to a bronco buster taking a wild, proud, and strong stallion and wrestling it into submission and surrender by breaking its will. I was under the mistaken notion that God uses a heavy hand of “perfecting love” against the stubborn and independent rebellious flesh of Christians to force them into submission so that they would ultimately find peace and contentment. I truly believed that God allowed the pain of sickness and disease, the misery of shattered relationships, and sadness of a broken heart to bring the Believer to a place of desiring more of Him.
Many years ago, I attended a special horse training demonstration where my horse was stabled because the promoters claimed that at the seminar, a wild stallion would be broken and ridden, without using physical force, in a very short time.
I was one of just a few men in the large crowd and stood along the outside of the fence around the arena. A beautiful and majestic wild mustang was brought into the ring, proudly puffing and snorting as he walked in. The trainer then entered the ring and slowly approached the horse in a way I had never seen before. He stood in front of the horse “hooking-up” as if he were whispering something to it. He then turned and walked a short distance away with his shoulder turned in the direction of the horse.
A few moments later, to my amazement, the horse “joined-up” as he casually walked up to the trainer and lightly touched his shoulder with his muzzle. Incredibly, the trainer then grabbed a blanket and saddle and placed it on the horse without even a simple whinny or snort from the horse. With my jaw dropped to the ground, I stood in utter awe and amazement as the trainer then mounted the horse! Unbelievably, the horse didn’t react in a bucking violent rebellion against the human on its back. Instead, he stayed calm and accepted the rider without even a flinch.
I was truly blown away. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen happen in what seemed like only a few minutes. As I stood there in stunned silence, something moved deep within my spirit, and I began to weep. As I looked around, slightly embarrassed by my reaction, and I noticed those around me were in tears as well.
The name of the trainer was Monty Roberts. He wrote in his autobiography “Monty Roberts: The Man Who Listens to Horses” that he learned to "listen" to the non-verbal language of horses by personally observing them in the wild. He taught that when a horse understands that it can trust you, it will decide to “hook-up” and form a voluntary relationship with you.
Joining-Up
A few years later, as I was in a time of prayer preparing for giving a seminar, I heard the Lord say to me, “I don’t want you to be a bronco buster anymore, I want you to be a horse whisperer because that is how I am with you.” My thoughts raced back to that day I observed Monte Roberts doing what I once thought to be impossible, and I understood God to say that He wanted me to prove by my actions to others that I was trustworthy so that they would “join-up” with me when I shared the message of Jesus.
Contrary to what I was once led to believe, I have come to understand that the fundamental need of every Christian is not more power, but more brokenness through trusting-faith. True brokenness is not the busting of a strong will, or the breaking of rebellious pride, but rather the act of casting “all your cares upon Him” in utter desperation and humility because JESUS alone is worthy of our trust. It is God’s “mercy and kindness that leads to repentance.” God is a good God who is not the author of pain and suffering.
"The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.” (Psalms 34:18,19)
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.” (Psalms 51:17)
God uses people in different ways as they each manifest various spiritual gifts. But, that does not make them any more “anointed” or powerful than the next Christian because Jesus sees everyone as co-equal for the reason of the Cross.
God is no respecter of persons. He has blessed EVERY Christian with "every spiritual blessing in heavenly places in Christ” (Ephesians 1:3).
"For in [Christ] dwelleth all the fullness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in Him, which is the head of all principality and power.” (Col 2:9,10)
"He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all thing.” (Rom 8:32)
Brokenness is the secret to releasing the eternal life of power and anointing that already rests within the Christian because they are “COMPLETE in Him.” Brokenness is desiring more of the Lord and less of ourselves.
Sink or Swim
One day after Jesus finished a time of teaching, He directed the Disciples to get into a boat and cross the Lake of Gennesareth, a distance of about ten miles, and head to Capernaum and Bethsaida. He told them that He would catch up with them later.
As they were about halfway across the lake, sometime late in the night between the hours of 3:00 AM and 6:00 AM, the disciples saw Jesus walking towards them on the water and “they were terrified."…"It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." (Matthew 14:25-33 NIV)
The Apostle Peter was so overjoyed to hear His voice and see Jesus that he was willing to do anything to be with Him. "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." Jesus said to him, "Come."
He gazed upon Jesus and nothing else mattered. Peter was able to do the impossible; he broke the natural law of gravity and “got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus.” But then logic began to take over and Peter started to think about himself and his “senses” kicked in as he “felt” the force of the wind and the tossing of the waves against his feet. “.. He was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him” (Matthew 14:31 NIV).
The fear of the unknown had overwhelmed him. The turbulent waves and stormy winds of the world had caused him to lose focus. Jesus said, "You of little faith,"… "why did you doubt?" Peter’s circumstances had caused him to forget that the gentle voice of the Master could calm any storm. Jesus took hold of Peter, and they climbed together into the boat. This event so amazed the other Disciples that they worshipped Jesus saying, "Truly you are the Son of God" (Matt 14:25-33 NIV).
The truth to remember is that power will flow more freely from those who are more broken than those who resist.
A Grain of Wheat
"And Jesus answered them, saying, The hour is come, that the Son of man should be glorified. Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a grain of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal”. (John 12:23-25 KJV)
Jesus was telling the disciples that He would be glorified through the torture of the Cross. Jesus humbled Himself when He accepted the limitations of being human. He was telling them that He was just like a grain of wheat with a seed surrounded by the outer shell of His physical body.
Jesus said that the Kingdom of God is "as if a man should cast seed into the ground; And should sleep, and rise night and day, and the seed should spring and grow up, he knoweth not how. For the earth bringeth forth fruit of herself; first the blade, then the ear, after that the full corn in the ear (Mark 4:26-28)."
A grain of wheat has a tough shell on the outside. The only way for wheat to sprout is if the shell is broken open. When the Christian allows their self to be broken, just as the shell of a seed must be broken by being buried in the ground to bear fruit, so God will bring forth great fruit from the Christian who allows the shell of self to be put to death!
The Alabaster Box
"And being in Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as [Jesus] sat at meat, there came a woman having an alabaster box of ointment of spikenard very precious; and she brake the box, and poured it on his head.” (Mark 14:3 KJV)
Alabaster is a type of stone used to make vases and caskets. The ointment here represents the Anointing of God. If the Alabaster box is not broken, the pure spikenard will not flow out. The Alabaster box represents the outward shell of the old nature. Without the breaking of the outward shell, the fragrance of Jesus within will not flow out.
The Bread of Life
On the night Jesus was betrayed, we are told that the He "took bread, and gave thanks, and brake it, and gave unto them, saying, This is my body which is given for you: this do in remembrance of me ( Luke 22:19)."
Many times the Lord had told the disciples and the crowds, "I am the Bread of Life." He commanded them to eat His flesh and drink His blood. This is one of my favorite passages of Scripture, and one which I refer to regularly when discussing this subject. Many turned aside and no longer followed the Lord after He said this. Why did they ask 'How can this man give us His flesh to eat?' Because He is the Bread of Life.
At the Passover, there was one loaf, and it was broken into pieces that all may partake of it. Today, the wafers come to us already divided. The Church is undoubtedly divided today, so perhaps this is a good representation of our division, but it fails to show us the vital truth that to partake of the Bread of Life, there must be a breaking. There is one Loaf, not many loaves.
Jesus is the Bread which came down from heaven. How may we receive Him? He must be broken for us. After blessing the bread, and breaking it, He plainly tells us, "This is my body."
After the blessing, Jesus broke the bread. The Passover ceremony also calls for a portion of the bread to be wrapped in a napkin and hidden, to be retrieved later. The Lord was showing His crucifixion and resurrection in the blessing, the breaking, and the "burying" of the bread. He is the Bread which is come down from heaven, broken, buried, and brought forth from the earth.
The Agony of Gethsemane
In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus spent a night of great agony over the burden of the Cross He would soon have to bear. He prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.’ An angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. And being in anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground” (Luke 22:44 NIV).
Jesus knew throughout eternity past what He must do to prove His love to humankind. There was no fear of dying and death in Him. He would soon take upon Himself the sins of the world, literally becoming as sin! The reality of this was so intense, so overwhelming that it caused blood to burst through the pores of His skin as He prayed. Yet, Jesus willingly went to the Cross to forgive all sin so that every human being might have the way to be reconciled to their heavenly Father. His agony would pay for the joy of salvation. His stripes would pay for healing. His pain would pay for the “peace... which passes all understanding.” (Philippians 4:7 NKJV) Oh, how great is the love of the beautiful God that He would be willing to suffer such fear and torment!
CONCLUSION
There may be those times when prayers seem ignored and it feels as if God has walked away. You may cry out in great agony and pain over your circumstances, wondering why He seems so distant. You may even feel that the burden of life is too great to bear. The secret truth is that you must go through the Garden of Gethsemane, as you travel the wilderness road carrying your own cross so that Jesus can put to death those things that stand in the way of your relationship with Him before experiencing the power of the Resurrection. However, you will ever have to share in its torment because the beautiful God will never turn His back on you!
Each day you are to pick up your Cross and follow Jesus (See Mark 10:21) - ready at any given moment for the old nature to be put to death. The old sinful self died in Christ at the moment of salvation. You must die daily. “I die every day - I mean that, brothers - just as surely as I glory over you in Christ Jesus our Lord” (1 Corinthians 15:31 NIV).
Those who choose to walk in trusting-faith with Jesus when everything hits the fan will begin to manifest more of Jesus and less of themselves. Those who resist the wooing of God during the bad times will not experience the power of living forgiven. God makes use of good and bad times to mold and shape us so that we can have an intimate relationship with Him.
There are no easy answers to the struggles of life - except one - Jesus is the answer!
