Letting Go - Bitterness
December 15, 2019
Has anyone ever hurt you? Maybe they said something to you, or gossiped about you, or something bad happened. Maybe it was a business deal that went bad, or a teacher or coach did something which hurt you.
We’ve all been there! There’s hurt, there’s pain, there’s heartbreak! The question is - - what do we do next?! Do we blow it off, yet harbor resentment and bitterness; or do we work through the hurt and move on?
For the past couple of weeks we’ve been talking about things we need to let go of. We’ve looked at letting go of stuff, the stuff we accumulate that we believe we need, which keeps us from drawing closer to God, and last week we looked at how distractions keep us from God.
Today, we’ve got a very important and difficult topic, we need to let go of something that is destructive - bitterness. In Hebrews 12:14 - the author wrote - -
14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. - Hebrews 12:14
How are we doing with that? You see, the word STRIVE means - to aggressively chase, to chase like a hunter pursuing their catch. There’s a sense of urgency to this kind of striving. So, again, let me ask you, are you striving for peace with WHO? With everyone! Even with those who aren’t at the top of your friend list.
Don’t we all have those people in our lives - people who are kind of hard to live at peace with, than others? Yet, the Bible tells us - make every effort to live at peace with everyone AND to be holy.
I believe that one of our spiritual enemy’s greatest weapons are to destroy relationships and poison hearts. To help us become bitter people. We know God wants us to love, but our enemy wants to kill love and intimacy in our relationships. God wants us to grow in trust, but our enemy wants to steal trust and leave us bitter. In fact, our enemy will do everything possible to plant a seed in the hearts of people that will grow into a root of bitterness.
I believe our spiritual enemy wants to plant little seeds that will grow and mature into a root of bitterness. It could be something like, you have a friend on Instagram or facebook and you always like and comment on their post – and then, one day, you realize this person hasn’t been liking and commenting on yours, and you don’t understand why; and then you realize they’ve unfollowed you, a seed has been planted which leads to a root of bitterness.
You text your friend and your friend doesn’t text back, and you know they received your text. But no response! And that little seed grows into a root of bitterness.
It could be the Christmas meal, get ready . . . and every year, the same person brings the same dish, empty containers of tupperware to take a full meal home. A seed is growing into a root of bitterness.
It could be something bigger and more profound. Someone you love lies to you, deceives you, or talks bad about you, a seed that grows into a root of bitterness.
It’s the relative that’s always critical of you, everything you do, the way you raise your kids, the way you spend money, even where you worship. And you’re sick and tired of the criticism.
It could be the person that takes advantage of you, misleads you or betrays you, and you realize, there’s a seed that’s growing into a root of bitterness.
Understand - you can’t control what people do, but you can control how you respond. You can’t control what they think about you, what they say about you, what they do to you, but the good news is, with God’s help and by His power, you can control how you respond. How you respond speaks volumes about your character.
Some of you right now are super excited about Christmas and some of you cannot wait for it to be over, why? Because whatever emotional state you’re currently in, it magnifies this time of year. If things are good in your life, it seems like the lights are brighter, your mood is cheerier, the food tastes better and the season is more magical.
However, for those of you experiencing drama of any kind, whether it’s financial, relational, physical, emotional, this season seems to magnify the pain and hurt.
And of course in the next 2 weeks, you may be around some of those people. And you’re supposed to be happy about seeing them and celebrating the birth of Christ . . . together!
And know that our spiritual enemy will look to plant a seed to steal your joy, and it’s a seed of bitterness and anger which consumes you. As much as you try, you can’t get rid of it, but God has good news for you. He wants to help you get rid of that anger and bitterness.
Remember, you cannot control what other people do, you can control how you respond. So, what’s the big deal about bitterness? Bitterness has a dangerous root. In Hebrews 12:15, we read - -
15 See to it that no fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled. - Hebrews 12:15
It’s interesting that the writer chose the word root to describe bitterness.
We don’t see the root systems of trees. But they can be so huge. When you put roots together on a tree, they can be a mile long or longer. What we cannot see is slowly, underneath the surface of the soul, is bitterness growing deeper and deeper
So, the writer warns us - let no root of bitterness cause trouble. We’ve all experienced hurt, disappointment, letdown, lies. Call them whatever you want. Often times we don’t even realize those roots are taking hold of our lives. And once those roots start to take hold, we’re in trouble.
Have you ever noticed that when we’re bitter towards someone, we act differently towards them? It doesn’t matter what they did or didn’t do, we simply act differently, usually less nice, less helpful, less communicative. It’s all there and sometimes we don’t realize it.
In 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. Paul tells us - -
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable and does not count up wrongdoing;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
In verse 5, the popular and accurate translation is --
5 Love is not irritable and KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS!
Have you ever noticed that bitterness keeps detailed records of wrongs committed? We remember, don’t we! We hold onto those times we’ve been hurt. We almost take pride in being able to remember exact details.
Bitterness will keep growing and growing, and the longer you allow it to live, the more you keep those detailed records, the deeper it grows, and the harder it’s going to be to kill. Bitterness is dangerous.
You see, when we allow bitterness to live, it becomes a poison and causes trouble and as the author of Hebrews 12 said - -
15 See to it that no fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it MANY BECOME DEFILED. - Hebrews 12:15
Who gets defiled? Many of you. When bitterness grows, what happens? It spreads! Roots grow and spread, so does bitterness.
The easiest example I can give you is to look at our political system. Without getting into politics, it’s obvious there’s hatred and bitterness. The democrats don’t like the republicans and the republicans don’t like the democrats. That’s gone on for years and years, and it doesn’t get better. That’s the easiest modern day example.
One bitter person can divide a family. One bitter person can make work miserable. And often times, bitterness is one of the hardest sins to see when we look in the mirror. It’s hard to see, because we justify it.
Look at what they did to me. I deserve to be angry and bitter. We try to mask it, we try to hide it, but it’s there. And the one we hide it from is ourselves.
We come to worship and celebrate the love of Christ while hating someone else in our hearts at the same time.
John tells us in 1 John 4 --
19 We love because God first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar;
for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. - 1 John 4:19-20
In God’s way of looking at us, this isn’t possible. If you truly experienced the love of God, you can’t hate your brother or sister. If we’re not careful, some of us will receive the forgiveness of God yet withhold it from someone else. It could be anyone, whether at home or anywhere.
So, I want you to seek God’s grace and ask God to help you identify where that root of bitterness is. Maybe it’s not there, and that’s great! But for many of us, it’s there, we just really don’t want to admit it’s there!
Before I move on - let me stop for a moment and give you a disclaimer . . . if someone has hurt you, I believe our call is ultimately to forgive them. It may take time, even if they don’t acknowledge what they did to you. You need to release yourself from the pain and burden.
Secondly, listen very carefully - - because you forgive someone, that doesn’t mean you continue to have a relationship with that person. Forgive . . . don’t be bitter, even when wounded . . . but create healthy and safe boundaries. So it doesn’t happen again.
So, how can we kill this root of bitterness?
In Ephesians 4, Paul tells us - -
31 Let ALL bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with ALL malice.
32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. - Ephesians 4:31-32
That’s about it in a nutshell. Paul in super quick fashion has given us a great remedy for bitterness.
Get rid of how much bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander and malice? How much are we to let go of? ALL! Man, Paul takes all of the fun out of being angry, resentful and bitter.
Then, to make it totally worse. He tells us on top of putting all that bad stuff away, throw it in the garbage, we need to be kind, tenderhearted or compassionate, to forgive. Man that stinks! I don’t want to be kind!! I want to be angry! But he adds that caveat that we need to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. In other words, if God has forgiven you of each and every sin, then, we need to extend that grace to others.
So, how do we kill a root of bitterness? You start to kill it with compassion. Nobody said being a Christ follower would be easy, but it’s the best life there is. You see, again, we justify our anger. And we may be well justified to be angry. There’s nothing wrong with anger. Really, there’s nothing wrong. How do we display it, and how long do we hold onto it? Those hold us back!
In Romans 12, Paul gave a very similar teaching to, to the Church of Rome.
9 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.
16 Live in harmony with one another.
17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans 12
Take note of all that Paul said. These are the marks of a healthy church. They are also the marks of healthy Christ followers. When struggling with that root of bitterness, consider Romans 12. Hold onto what Paul is telling us. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t avenge yourself. And that last line is a tough one . . . don’t let evil overcome you, but overcome that evil by doing good.
Jesus said it best in Luke 6.
27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. - Luke 6
Bless those who curse you. This is tough, but it has power to heal you and possibly help someone to see Jesus in you. And if they don’t, that’s not your issue. You’ve done what you are called to do.
Then, and here’s the clincher . . . pray for those who abuse you. That word is only used 2 times in the NT. Literally, it means - - to intimidate by using threats and false accusations, under-handed tactics designed to smear someone's reputation. In ancient Greece, the word was also used for molest.
There’s deep hurt associated with that word. Yet, Jesus tells us to pray for that person. And I believe that is the ultimate letting go of the pain, hurt, anger, resentment and bitterness. It happens when we can actually pray for the person who has wounded us. Not praying for something bad to happen to them, but praying for them to experience the power of Jesus, pray for their hearts to be softened, pray they would experience Christ’s love, pray for their woundedness to be healed. Because they are wounded and are acting out of that pain.
Praying for someone else may not change them, but when you pray, it will change you.
Finally, and I know this is hard. But this can be a great Christmas present to yourself. You aren’t creating something, instead, you are passing on what you’ve already received.
You forgive - as Christ, God, forgave you.
How did Jesus forgive you? Unconditionally and completely on a cross. And on that cross he was thinking about you and me. He wanted us free and forgiven, so we can experience this power and so we could pass it on.
He forgave you freely, generously, absolutely, unconditionally.
I’ve shared before that my father wasn’t the most ideal father. There was a lot of emotional hurt and abuse. We always felt like his love was conditional and my sisters and I never really experienced his support in whatever we were doing. We longed to hear that he was proud of us and loved us for who we were. Instead, there was anger. There was an emptiness a longing to measure up, yet, a deep belief that we really didn’t measure up and never would.
It took a long time for me to release that anger and bitterness. It didn’t happen overnight. It took time and work on my part. Because I didn’t want to continue that cycle of abuse. I forgive him, I don’t condone his actions. I abhor them and everyday I seek not to repeat them because that’s been ingrained within me.
And I know there are many of you here today who call on Jesus as your Christ, your Savior. You believe He has redeemed you and released you from bondage. He has totally and completely forgiven you. BUT, you really aren’t free - because you are filled with a root of bitterness that you refuse to let go of.
As we close, let me give you a final thought from the card game UNO. If you’ve played it, you know, you can get a hand that’s stacked with wild cards and pick 4's. You’ve got an easy win. But you’re playing a child. Do you just mercilessly beat them. You’ve got the card to win it. You can lay it down and shout out I WIN.
But you kind of cheat - you pretend you don’t have that color card and you pick about a dozen more cards. You had the opportunity to win.
But, and here’s the point, you chose not to! It’s the same concept with bitterness, letting go of it. You hold the cards! You hold the bitterness card and you hold the compassion card! Which card are you going to play?
The greatest gift to give yourself or maybe a family member or friend is the gift that Christ child gave to us . . . the gift of forgiveness - the gift of peace - the gift of hope - the gift of joy - the gift of love and the gift of His power!
