An architect complains that many of his clients come and ask him to design a house for them, only to let him very speedily discover that they have already designed it all for themselves. What they really want is his sanction of the plan and the satisfaction of seeing him draw on paper the picture of the house they have in mind.
We do something similar when we go before our Creator. We ask Him for wisdom and guidance, but we have already planned how we will build our fortunes and shape our destinies and it is not His way we are seeking, but His approval of our way.
God as an Intelligent Designer, and has so designed the family. He is the Architect of the family. God has structured the family along with clear-cut lines of authority and responsibility.
Many have attempted to create “designer families” and as a result, their homes are caving in like a dilapidated building. Many have disregarded God's blueprints for their marriages and as a result have marriages that are falling to pieces.
Society has rejected the Biblical meaning of marriage; the family unit has been redefined; gender roles have been blurred and attempts are being made to totally obliterate male and female distinctions. Many of the problems that we are observing in our society are the result of side-stepping God's design and order.
God is the Architect of marriage. He is the Designer of the family and has given parents their roles and responsibilities. The Bible says in Psalm 127:1, "Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it…"
In our message called Designer Parents, we are going to look at God's design for parents and we are taking our text from the Apostle Paul's letter to the Ephesian church, chapter 6.
(Eph 6:4 NKJV) And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
Someone has called this "a crash-course in parenting." The Apostle Paul has laid out the instructions in negative and positive terms and we are going to look at both.
The negative is this, "Do not provoke your children to anger." That’s how the Word of God sums up what you don’t want to do.
* You don’t want to make your children mad.
* You don’t want to make them angry.
* You don’t want to make them hostile or bitter.
* You don’t want them to turn against you and all that you hold dear.
Colossians 3:21 adds, "Lest they be discouraged." You don’t want to destroy them. You don't want to break their spirits.
Provoke is the Greek word: parorgizo, par-org-id'-zo and means, “to anger alongside,” i.e. “to enrage” or “to provoke to wrath.” It is used only in Ephesians 6:4 and in Romans 10:19… and it means "to irritate." It’s an intense form of "to make angry."
God is telling the parent, “Don’t do that which irritates them, provokes them, frustrates them, exasperates them, or embitters them.” And there is a lot of that being done today—parents who are producing angry, irritated and bitter children.
Attitudes of anger and bitterness are being passed from one generation to another. Parents are passing legacies of hurt, bitterness, frustration and anger to their children.
One such “child” that has made a marked impact on this current generation of young people is the rapper called Eminem. In his song, Cleaning Out My Closet, he raps the following to his mother (I’ve sanitized the language):
Now I would never dis my own mama just to get recognition.
Take a second to listen for you think this record is dissin,'
But put yourself in my position.
Just try to envision witnessin' your Mama
poppin' prescription pills in the kitchen,
cussen' that someone's always goin' through her purse and stuffs missin.'
Going through public housing systems, victim of Munchausen's syndrome.
My whole life I was made to believe I was sick
when I wasn't 'til I grew up, now I blew up.
It makes you sick to ya stomach, doesn't it?
Wasn't it the reason you made that CD for me, Ma?
So you could try to justify the way you treated me, Ma?
But guess what, yer gettin' older now and it's cold when your lonely.
…
See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you was wrong.
Woman, do ya song. Keep tellin' yourself that you was a mom.
But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get.
You selfish woman, I hope you…burn in hell for this stuff.
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well, guess what, I am dead. Dead to you as can be.
I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleanin' out my closet...
Eminem isn’t the only child that has been provoked to anger by his parents.
Ephesians 6:4 says, "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger…." Colossians 3:21 says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."
There are a lot of angry children out there; there are a lot of bitter and resentful children out there because of parents who have caused them to be that way.
How do parents provoke their children into anger? Someone put together a list of ten easy steps:
Spoil him. Give him everything he wants, even more than you can afford—just charge it—so you can get him off your back. When he does wrong, nag him a little, but don’t spank him.
Foster his dependence on you. Don’t teach him to be independently responsible; maintain his dependence on you, so later on, drugs and alcohol can replace you when he’s older. Protect him from all those "mean" teachers who want to discipline him from time to time, and threaten to sue them if they don’t let him alone. Make all of his decisions for him because he might make mistakes…and learn from them.
Criticize his parents. Criticize his father to him or his mother, so your son or daughter will lose respect for his parents.
Regularly bail him out of trouble. Whenever he gets into trouble bail him out—so you won’t look bad. Never let him suffer the consequences of his behavior; always step in and solve his problems for him, so he will depend on you, and run to you when the going gets tough, and never learn how to solve his problems.
Give him freedom of responsibility. If you want to turn your child into a delinquent, let him express himself any way he feels like it. Don’t run his life; let him run yours.
Don’t bother him with chores; do everything for him…then he can be irresponsible all his life and blame others when things don’t get done right. And, be sure to give in when he throws a temper tantrum.
Believe his lies. Because it’s too much hassle to try to sort through to get the truth.
Criticize others. Criticize others openly; criticize others routinely, so that he will continue to realize that he is better than everybody else.
Reward his laziness. Give him a big allowance and don’t make him do anything for it.
Praise the outward person. Praise him for his good looks, never for character, and on it goes.
If you want an obsessive child, be critical, snobbish, domineering, and legalistic to your child…if you want to provoke your child to anger…do these things.
Let me give you my own list of 12 ways you can provoke your child to anger.
Set unrealistic goals. This happens among many families as parents plug their children into after-school programs like music and athletics. Oftentimes the child tries to please the parents by fulfilling their “vision” or “dream.” They don’t want to disappoint the parent but don’t like the activity either.
Constantly nag him. Rather than having a structured approach to discipline, some parents attempt to nag their child toward obedience. They make foolish threats such as, "If you don't clean your room, you'll never watch television again."
Never encourage him. Parents have plenty of opportunities to encourage their child but do not take advantage of them. It starts when the child is very young--"Mom look what I did!"
Discipline inconsistently. There are parents who promise to discipline but do not follow through. They say, "If you do that again, I will…" More often than not, parents find themselves "too tired" to spank or too frustrated to follow through with what they threatened to do.
Not keeping your promise. Children remember when you give your word. They remember when you make a promise to take them somewhere or buy them something.
Be a hypocrite. This is when you do something you have taught your child is wrong. It is also failing to do what you taught your child is right. For example, you taught your child not to lie and when someone calls that you do not wish to speak to, you tell them to tell the caller you are not home. Another example--You've taught your child that church attendance and Bible study is important but you do not practice what you preach.
Over-indulge. Give them everything they want. Most things come as a result of hard work and saving for it. A child given everything will appreciate nothing. We will see later how important work is for the child.
Practice favoritism. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob—Rebecca favored Jacob over Esau, and the sad results are well-known. Don’t compare them against each other. They’re each unique. Love them the same without special regard for each. If a child feels that you love another in that family more, that is a very, very frustrating experience.
Never sacrifice for him. Some children are made to feel like they are an intrusion into their parent’s life. A businessman speaking to men on marriage told the audience that he instructed his secretary that whenever his wife called she was to patch her through without asking him for permission--even if he was in a meeting. He was letting his wife and everyone know that his wife is important to him.
In like manner, your children need to know that they are not an intrusion into your life. Yes we are to teach our children to politely excuse themselves when they are interrupting a conversation, but once they do, we are to give them our undivided attention.
Never apologize. Parents are not infallible. Parents make mistakes. Parents even sin against their children. When this happens you ought to be quick to humble yourself before your child and ask for forgiveness.
Be over protective. Parents need to learn to give their child some slack as he grows and matures. This is not to say that you should let your five-year-old wander around the block at will. I am saying that when your child demonstrates the maturity to handle a certain level of freedom and responsibility, you need to grant it.
I can remember the anxiety I had the first time I let my son Mike take his sisters for a ride in his car. There was the first time my daughter Sophia took her sisters to the mall on the bus. If they have demonstrated growth and maturity, cut them some slack and trust the Lord to care for them.
Discipline too much. This is the parent who says, "You will stay in your room for a year!" There are reports of parents locking their kids up in closets and tying them down for misbehaving. We always hear about parents physically abusing their kids.
Something that will help you to keep your punishment from being too severe:
* Cool down before administering the punishment
* Call to the Lord - Pray - Ask God for wisdom.
* Communicate - Talk to your child, reminding him/her of the consequences for the wrong doing
* Confer or administer the punishment
* Care - Reaffirm your love for your child
* Commune - Pray with your child.
If you want to provoke your child to anger, you can do it by being overbearing constantly nagging him, never encouraging him, by not enough discipline, by giving him too much discipline, by not keeping your promise, by being a hypocrite, by overindulgence, by practicing favoritism among his siblings, by never sacrificing for him, .by sinning against him and not seeking his forgiveness and by being overprotective by abusing him - verbally or physically. Don’t do that.
Now Paul turns to the positive in Ephesians 6:4: "Rather, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
By the way, why does Paul list the negative or the “don’ts” of child rearing first? Perhaps he does it because parents need to be taught that an angry child would be reluctant to be brought up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Let me put it this way: Do you have a child that is reluctant to attend church and acquaint himself with the things of the Lord? Does your child seem resistant toward the things you consider important?
Sometimes parents are so quick to condemn their children but would do good to undergo self-examination to see whether or not they are the source of their child’s anger. Maybe you are the cause of your son or daughter’s unwillingness to follow the Lord.
Let’s turn with Paul to the positive in Ephesians 6:4: "Rather, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Let's look at some key words in verse 4.
"Bring them up" - ektrepho, ek-tref'-o; “to rear up or to nourish up to maturity.” This is not merely referring to the physical nourishment of a child, but includes bringing up or rearing the child in the various departments of his or her life. Parents are to provide for the physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing of their children.
Most men have been brainwashed into thinking that providing for the needs of his family ends at bringing home the paycheck. They reason, "I've worked long and hard this week, the money's in the bank and now it's time to relax and watch TV."
But "bringing them up" is more than just "bringing home the bacon. It is nourishing up in all aspects of their lives—physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Your child needs you to be the physician of your home--this is the physical upbringing.
* Is your child healthy?
* Does your child get his or her yearly checkups? Have they had all their shots?
* Are you providing healthy, well-balanced meals and snacks for your child?
* Is your child getting enough exercise?
* Is your child getting proper rest and relaxation?
Your child needs you to be the psychologist of your home--this is the emotional upbringing.
* Do you know your child's fears?
* Would you consider your child complacent, compliant or contrary?
* Who is speaking into your child’s soul? - Teachers, Technology (TV, Internet), etc.
* Does your child talk with you and you with your child?
* Does your child seek your wisdom, counsel or advice?
* Do you know your child's friends?
* Do you know the parents of your child's friends?
* Is your child a leader or follower?
Your child needs you to be the priest of your home---this is the spiritual upbringing.
* Do you know whether or not your child is saved?
* Is your child also your disciple?
* Does your child have a daily time of personal prayer and Bible study?
* Are you aware of their prayer concerns?
* Are you aware of your child's spiritual weaknesses?
* Do you know where they are most spiritually vulnerable?
* Do you know where Satan is most likely to tempt them to sin?
Parents, God is calling you and I to "bring them up!" We are called to guide our children, helping them to reach maturity--spiritually, emotionally and physically.
How are we to bring them up? Paul gives us two areas:
We are to nurture our children.
"Nurture" (KJV) is the Greek word paideia, pahee-di'-ah and refers to the whole training and education of children which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals. This includes directing and correcting. It is translated as “training” in righteousness in 2 Tim. 3:16, and God’s “discipline” or "chastening" of believers [Heb. 12:8].
Nurturing refers to the whole training and education of children which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals. As Christian parents we are about cultivating our children's minds and morals. Studies show, the earlier, the better.
The challenge for the family that wants to obey the Scriptures and bring their children up in the nurture and instruction of the Lord is keep a close watch on what their children are learning and refute anything that goes against the Christian faith.
Your child sits for six to eight hours in front of a teacher who may not have your values. Christian parents need to know what their children are being taught.
We are to instruct our children.
"Instruction" is nouthesia, noo-thes-ee'-ah. Also translated as "admonition" and has the idea of "discipline" (lit., "to put in mind").
This is training by word--the word of encouragement, but also the word of reproof and that of blame when necessary.
I believe the focus here is on talking to your child in order to instruct him. It is not formal education--it is the day by day communication of encouragement or reproof--whichever is needed.
It is the kind of thing you say when you see your child's shoe untied. You say, "Johnny, tie your shoe or you will trip." Or when your child says something disrespectful—you say, “No, that is not how you talk to your mother—you ask politely, saying ‘please.’”
When your child finishes his spinach, you can encourage her by saying something like, "Wow, Sally ate all her spinach--she's going to grow up to be strong, healthy and have a beautiful complexion.
Parents, God is calling you to "bring them up!"
* We are called to guide our children, helping them to reach maturity--spiritually, emotionally and physically.
* We are to do this by nurturing them--that is, training them.
* We are also to accomplish this by instructing them--that is, providing a word of encouragement or reproof as needed.
Finally, Paul says that parents are to bring their children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Parents are to train and instruct their children “in the Lord.” God is to be the center of their relationships and of their teaching and learning. But before He can be the center of your child’s relationships and of their teaching and learning, He needs to be the center of your life.
This is what the “Lordship” of Jesus Christ is all about. He becomes your Master, Boss, Sovereign, Leader and Ruler—He is Lord!
All of what you want for your child centers on God’s purpose for your life and God’s purpose for your children (Psalm 127).
Except the LORD build the house, they labor in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman wakes but in vain.
Psa 127:2 It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he gives his beloved sleep.
Psa 127:3 Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
Psa 127:4 As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
Psa 127:5 Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.
What God wants is most important.
What God deems in His Word is central.
God’s purposes become your main pursuit in life.
If you sense the need to trust Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior—If you want to receive His forgiveness from sin today, pray in this way: "Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life, turn away from sin and trust You as my Savior. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.."
If you trusted Christ please indicate your commitment by checking the “I’m committing my life to Christ” box on your Communicator Card. Someone will be contacting you about your new life in Christ.
Perhaps you are a parent who has heard the teaching of Scripture regarding your responsibility to rear your child in the things of Christ—the Holy Spirit has convicted you to become the kind of parent who teaches his child Godly wisdom and obedience.
