It Came From Within: Anger
Introduction
We have been talking about the enemies of the heart. Jesus said that it is from within the core of our being that all of life's issues flow, the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are four enemies of the heart that can cause blockages that keep us from experiencing the best that God has for us. Each of these enemies that come from within us is based on a guilt-to-debt ratio.
Guilt says, "I owe you."
Anger says, "You owe me."
Greed says, "I owe me."
Jealousy says, "God owes me."
Last week we talked about guilt. We talked about developing the habit of confession as a deterrent to living a life of condemnation. We confess our sins to God and we attempt to make reconciliation with others that we owe a debt of guilt to through restitution. Sometimes it is hard to pick up the phone, write that text, or visit that person and admit our fault and ask to be forgiven, but it's the only way to truly let go of the weight of guilt that we owe.
This evening we will talk about anger. Anger is a normal, God-given emotion that does have a place in a healthy emotional life. However, left unchecked, anger can be destructive. Anger is one of those emotions that protects us at the moment. It is related to another emotion, fear. Fear is meant to protect us. When we are startled there is an automatic response to the threat. Our bodies and minds go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. But, when anger or fear are nurtured and kept over time they can destroy us. In the debt-to-debtor scheme, anger says, "You owe me."
Andy Stanley explains it this way:
"We get angry when we don't get what we want. That's a pretty important idea, and one you may not agree with right off the bat, so I'll say it again: Anger is the result of not getting something we want. What we want may include what we deserve. Because, after all, who doesn't want what we deserve? Are you with me? If not [let me repeat it] again. This is important--and not necessarily intuitive...
Illustration.
Can you remember a time when you were angry? Was it true that the entire situation could be distilled to this simple truth: You wanted something and you did not get it. You did not get what you thought that you deserved. INTERPRETED: Somebody. Owed. You!
What is often true is that when we see an angry person. And I guarantee you that person is hurt because something has been taken. Somebody owes you something (If nothing else, an apology.) People say things like: "You took my reputation." You stole my family." You took the best years of my life." "You stole my first marriage." "You robbed me of my teenage years." "You robbed me of my purity." "You owe me a raise." "You owe me an opportunity to try." "You owe me a second chance." "You owe me affection."
Again, here's the point: The root of anger is the perception that something has been taken. Something is owed you. And now a debt-to-debtor relationship has been established.
When we have an angry heart it is easy to believe that the only remedy is to get paid. It is a debt. But, are there other options? And even if there are is it just or right for the debt to just be canceled? Sometimes we spend a lifetime wanting a debt to be paid that it is impossible for anyone to pay. The opportunity to make things right is often long gone, but the anger remains and sometimes intensifies.
Anger like guilt, greed, and jealousy does not just stay in the heart, but it flows to the rest of our lives and to our words and actions. Out of the heart are the issues of life. When ager is seated in our hearts, it begins to color everything else. We may be angry at everyone. We all know someone who is an angry person. They are angry at everyone. The closer you get to them the more likely you are to experience their wrath. You don't deserve it.
There are those people who cannot be pleased by anything. Extremely angry people have already decided that you will not be able to get it right no matter what. They are sick. Anger is a disease of the heart.
But, maybe you are not the person on the receiving end of someone else's wrath. Maybe you are an angry person. What would others say if you told them that you heard a sermon about anger and asked them if they thought you were an angry person? Would they get nervous? Would they be afraid? If they told you you were an angry person, would it stir anything in your heart?
"It is when our hearts are stirred that we become most aware of what they contain."
What happens when your heart gets stirred? It's like doing a stress test. It reveals what's going on in the heart. What your heart can handle. The reason for doing the stress test is so you can get better. There are moments when God may allow someone to be in our lives that really stir our hearts. When we discover it we should count it a blessing. When we see what is going on we can work towards a healthy heart. Anger, like guilt, greed, and jealousy anger gains strength through secrecy. Exposing it is both painful and powerful at the same time.
The people around you already know, and they may have been praying for you for a long time to come to the realization.
There is probably a story behind why you are angry. Often the people who you have poured your wrath out on don't know that story, they just know that you are angry. Maybe you've never asked yourself why you are so angry. But, there is a story.
Then there are other people who tell their story all the time. You use your story to justify why you are angry.
But, whatever your story, it does not excuse your behavior. And something to think about: if you are allowing your story and those people in your story to make you angry in the present, they control you. Is that what you want? (Explain emotional fusion).
When you are dominated by anger, you are not yielding to the Spirit.
So what do you do with your story then? You offer it to God and allow it to be sanctified.
How do we do that?
Anger is obvious. The way to overcome it is forgiveness. Just like guilty people should start the habit of confession, angry people can overcome by learning to practice the habit of forgiveness.
What does it mean to forgive? There are three misunderstandings about forgiveness:
Those who believe they ought to forgive, but cannot muster the strength to do it.
Those who feel that letting the offender off the hook doesn't seem just.
Those who claim to have gone through the motions of forgiveness, but those old feelings and memories keep coming back. This makes them wonder if they have really forgiven.
So how do we really forgive someone?
Ephesians 4:31
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
We are commanded to "get rid of" anger. It means "to remove; to separate yourself from." The last time that our family went to Armand Bayou Nature Park there were beautiful spiderwebs and garden spiders in the middle of every trail. Since that time no one has wanted to go back. Have you ever unintentionally walked through a spider web? When it is unexpected, you find yourself trying to wipe it off. Off your face! Off your hair! Off your clothes! And it just sticks. That is the idea that "get rid of" carries. Get rid of it, and get rid of it quickly.
He says "all." He lists every relational wedge he can think of -- bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, and just in case you forgot "every form of malice." Malice is general ill-will toward one another. Paul covers all the bases: Whatever negative emotion you're harboring, get rid of it!
It may seem insensitive. Paul didn't know what you or I have been through... If he only knew he might be angry too. He might encourage us to give vent to our emotions!
Let's look at the source of the words. Paul was writing from a Roman prison. The political climate was not favorable to Christians. It was intense. And yet, he instructs his readers to "get rid of all bitterness and anger..."
Can it be done? Paul thinks so. It comes down to overcoming a "victim mentality."
Hurt, rejection, criticism, stuff just not going our way--all these things make us feel like victims. No wonder we lash out. No wonder we have such short fuses. Who can blame us? Victims are powerless. Victims have no control over their lives. Victims are at the mercy of others. Victims can only react. Victims are held prisoner by circumstances beyond their control.
These feelings of victimization fuel our justifications and excuses. If we are a victim, we will always have an excuse. When we perceive ourselves as victims we can just about write off any kind of behavior. Look at how we have been treated... There is real pain and hurt... Eventually, we justify everything to the place that the anger in our hearts leaves us no other options to change. No incentive to change.
We open our hearts to anger and then there in the middle of it we build a monument to the bitterness that stands there as a constant reminder that somebody (everybody) owes us!
So when we read, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice, we think, There's no way. It's out of my control. I'm just responding to the people and the world around me. I can't get rid of that stuff. Don't ask me.
Paul gives us a way to "get rid of" it...
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other... (Ephesians 4:31-32)
In contrast to bitterness and brawling, Paul suggests that we extend kindness and compassion to those who have wronged us. Forgiving... Forgiveness enables us to be kind and compassionate. If Paul had stopped there, then maybe we could say, I have already tried that. I have gone through the motions...
...just as in Christ God forgives you. (Ephesians 4:32)
The kindness and compassion Paul refers to are to be fueled by an attitude of forgiveness. But not just any forgiveness. We're to extend an attitude of forgiveness that mirrors the kind God extended toward us in Christ. You can underline the phrase "just as." It can be italicized, bolded, all caps, double font size. It carries all kinds of significance. "Just as..."
Matthew 18:21-35 NIV
How to resolve relational conflict.
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 “At this, the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt, and let him go.
28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured until he should pay back all he owed.
35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
Jesus defines forgiveness using the idea of canceled debt.
Your prison is your anger. Your pain is not a trophy to show off. It's not a story to tell. It's potentially poison to your soul. To refuse to forgive is to choose to self-destruct.
Remember the words "just as." Paul is pointing us to the cross of Christ. Peter would need the forgiveness Jesus talked about and he would see that parable of the unforgiving servant in a totally different light after seeing Jesus die.
In the shadow of our hurt, forgiveness feels like a decision to reward our enemies. But in the shadow of the cross, forgiveness is merely a gift from one undeserving soul to another. Forgiveness is the gift that ensures our freedom from the prison of bitterness and resentment. When I accept forgiveness from God, I am set free from the penalty of my sin; when I extend forgiveness to my adversary, there's a sense in which I'm set free from his sin as well.
The kind of forgiveness Paul talks about doesn't make any sense unless you are a forgiven person. Paul is writing to Christians--those who have experienced the forgiveness of God through Christ.
I spoke to someone a while back about their need to forgive another. They told me about what had been done to them rather than what had been done for them. There is a big difference. Perspective is everything.
When we look at the cross we realize that we have been forgiven a debt that we could never repay. We are like the servant in Jesus's parable, if we have been forgiven so much, the least we can do is to forgive the small debt that we are owed by our fellow human beings.
As Christians, we are called to treat others the way God has treated us. Paul was not talking about a one-time transaction of forgiveness, he was talking about an attitude, mindest, habit, of forgiveness. We forgive because we are forgiven. The word forgiveness has the connotation of a gift. It may not seem just or fair, and we may not feel like doing it.
Four Phases of Completing the Cycle of Forgiveness:
1. Identify who you're angry with.
Trying to forget a debt is not the same as canceling it.
You may want to get quiet after you have spent some time praying and ask God to shine His Light in your heart as you sit with a notebook and a pen. Make a list.
2. Determine what they owe you.
This is the step most of us skip. Because of this, we forgive generally but not specifically. This is where the parable of the unforgiving servant is so helpful. Just as the King forgave a specific amount owed him by the servant, so we must determine exactly what is owed to us by those who have hurt us.
You know what the person who hurt you did, but what exactly did they take? Until you know the answer to this question, you are not ready to forgive. Until you know the answer to that question, you may go through the motions of forgiveness but experience no freedom. Someone may say, "I already forgave them."
General forgiveness does not heal specific hurts. It is important that you pinpoint what was taken from you. What do the people on your list owe you? What did they take from you? What would they need to return in order to put things back the way they were? An apology? Money? Time? A marriage? A family? A job? A reputation? An opportunity? A promotion? A chapter of your life?
Be specific. You cannot cancel a debt that you haven't clearly identified.
3. Cancel the debt.
You have to cancel the debt. This is something that I do when I pray. This is something you may to simply in your heart, or you may want to do something more symbolic. There are times when you can have a "conversation" with the person who hurt you or who owes you. You can verbally and vocally. Sit as you talk and then leave it there.
List all the debts and then burn them.
Mark them out with a cross.
Nail them to the cross.
Prayer:
Heavenly Father, _______________________ has taken __________________________ from me. I have held on to this debt long enough. I choose to cancel this debt. _____________________ doesn't owe me anymore. Just as you forgave me, I forgive _____________________.
It may not be necessary to tell the offending party that you have forgiven them. The only time it is obligatory is when they ask. Other than that the transaction is between you and God.
4. Dismiss the case.
The final process centers on a daily decision not to reopen the case. What makes this so difficult is that our feelings don't always automatically follow our decision to forgive. Besides, forgiving someone doesn't erase our memories. If we could forgive and forget it would be easy.
Sometimes those memories are triggered. We usually do one of two things when triggered:
take hold of the offense all over again, crank up the imaginary conversations, and reopen the case.
we try not to think about it and turn our thoughts elsewhere.
Neither of these is helpful. So, when the memories come. When they flood your mind, don't fight them, let them flow, face them. Allow yourself to remember. Allow the emotions to be felt. But, instead of reopening the case against them, look at the cross. In your mind imagine yourself at the foot of the cross where Jesus hangs dying for your sins and the sins of that person, and the sins of the whole world. Look on Jesus, and then restate your decision: "________________________ doesn't owe me." Then spend time thanking God that he has forgiven you and them...
The cross is the answer (Maxine's dream).
