The question was asked of a class of Catholic girls-"What
is matrimony?" One girl confidently stood and said,
"Matrimony is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are
compelled to undergo for a time to fit them for
heaven." "No, no," said the priest, "You have given the
definition of purgatory."
"Let her alone," said the Archbishop, "Maybe she's right."
Her definition of the word was wrong, but her description of
the experience of many in the state of marriage was right.
Matrimony can be a purgatory rather than the paradise God
intended it to be.
Marriage can produce a paradise, or it can reduce a
paradise to ashes by means of the fires of conflict. Marriage
is a paradox. It can be the best or the worst state. We
commit ourselves in marriage for better or for worse because
both our equally possible. Conflict is just as real a potential
as cooperation. There are those who tell us that even conflict
can have its values, and there is truth in this perspective.
What of the couple who reached the height of their
argument, and the wife exploded, "I wish I'd taken mother's
advice and never married you." The husband said, "Do you
mean to say your mother tried to stop your marrying me?"
She nodded. "Well now," sighed the husband, How I've
wronged that woman." Whatever value was gained, it is
doubtful that the quarrel can be counted a positive factor in
marriage bliss, even if there are poets who claim it is so.
O we fell out, my wife and I,
O we fell out, I know not why,
And kissed again with tears.
And blessing on the falling out
That all the more endears,
When we fall out with those we love,
And kiss again with tears.
The only reason there is any truth to this poetry is
because some mates only show affection to each other when
they make up. Just like some children can only get attention
by causing a disturbance, or by getting in trouble. It is not
the conflict that is of any value, but the peace settlement,
and the kiss of peace. Anyone with a taste for kissing,
however, knows that its better without any salty sauce from
the eyes. Kissing again with tears is not a gourmet delight.
Far superior is the relationship where affection does not
depend on conflict.
I read of a wise man who quarreled with his wife during
their 50th year of wedded life. He tucked this note under his
wife's pillow. "My darling bride, let's put off quarreling
until after the honeymoon is over. Your devoted husband."
Here was a husband who took the high road to marital bliss
by avoiding quarrels instead of the low road of squeezing
some value out of conflicts. Carlton could write-
And if ever we meet in heaven
I shouldn't think it queer
That we loved each other the better
For the way we quarreled here.
My response is-
When we meet in heaven I should think it odd
If we loves each other better
For disobeying God.
It is always true that God can bring good out of evil, but
it is never wise to do evil in the hopes that good will come of
it. Our objective as Christians and as mates is to live in
harmony and never desire discord. What Paul says to
Christians in general applies to mates in particular. In Eph.
4:31-32 he wrote, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger,
brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be
kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each
other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Following this path will lead to successful marriage, and
Peter tells husbands how they can be successful in seeing
that their marriage follows this path. Any husband who will
follow Peter's advice will not only be a successful husband,
but he will be an exceedingly happy husband. Any wife
whose husband treats her with the respect involved in what
Peter says in this one verse will lavish upon him more
devoted love than all the harem of Solomon. What does
Peter say a husband must do to be successful? He must first-
I. RESPECT HER EXISTENCE AS A PERSON.
Peter says the husband is to be considerate as he lives
with his wife. This means that a husband is to care about
what his wife needs as a person to make her life fulfilled.
She is a person who has special needs and desires, and it is a
husbands obligation to know what they are. To ignore
another's needs is to lack respect for them as persons. Wives
need to be treated as people worth understanding. Phillips
translation puts it, "You husbands should try to understand
the wives you live with." The NEB has it, "You husbands
must conduct your married life with understanding."
Peter clearly implies that it is possible for a man to
understand a woman. Peter has a high view of the
perceptive powers of the male. He says these powers are to
be applied in marriage. Someone said there are two periods
in a man's life when he feels it is impossible to understand a
woman. One is before marriage, and the other is after.
Peter does not agree. It may take more than a grain of faith
to remove the mountain of doubt that has accumulated in
the minds of men on this issue, but it can be removed. The
Gospel according to Peter is that wives can be understood,
and not only by experts who study them and write books
about them, but even by their husbands.
This opens up a great hope for marriage from a Christian
perspective. For most of history men have not been able to
treat women as equals because they could never accept them
as persons. They never tried to understand the needs of
wives, but only the function whereby wives met the needs of
husbands. Christianity raised the level of women from
possessions to persons who are created in the image of God,
and endowed with intelligence, and great potential as
children of God. Understanding this makes a Christian
husband desire to treat his wife in a manner worthy of a
person made in the image of God.
D. H. Lawrence in one of his assorted articles wrote,
"Man is willing to accept woman as an equal, as a man in
skirts, as an angel, a devil, a baby-face, a machine, an
instrument, a bosom, a womb, a pair of legs, a servant, an
encyclopedia, and ideal or an obscenity; the one thing he
won't accept her as is a human being, a real human being of
the feminine sex." Peter says a Christian husband is
obligated to rise above this historical hang up of men
.
Before marriage men tend to see women as persons, and
they treat them as such. They are aware of the needs of the
female to be appreciated. They are free with compliments,
and they give them undivided attention. Marriage, however,
often causes a man to regress. He ceases to think of his wife
as a real person. He ceases to live with her with a
considerate attitude. He takes her for granted as part of the
total machinery of life. She keeps the wheels of life rolling in
the home. He forgets that she is a person who needs to feel
loved and appreciated. She needs to talk and be heard.
Helen Rowland complained, "Before marriage a man will lie
awake all night thinking about something you said; after
marriage he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. Its as
hard to get a man to stay home after you've married him as
it was to get him to go home before your married him."
When husbands do this it is because they have ceased to
be considerate. They are not thinking of their wife as a
person but as a possession. Peter says don't do that, but
respect her as a person. Everything you gain in terms of
fulfillment in the world of your job she must gain through
you, and this is often just as true for wives who work. A wife
needs a husband who makes her feel important. She needs
compliments and encouragement. She needs to feel she has
value, and only a husband can adequately meet these needs.
Listen to the tribute of a wife to her husband who succeeded
in doing this. Jessie Rittenhouse wrote,
My debt to you, beloved,
Is one I cannot pay,
In any coin of any realm
On any reckoning day:
For where is he shall figure
The debt, when all is said,
To one who makes you dream again
When all the dreams were dead?
Or where is the appraiser
Who shall the claim compute,
Of one who makes you sing again
When all the songs were mute?
When we respect individuals as persons we make an
effort to be interested in them, and in their interests and
problems. Often a husband tends to lose interest in anything
his wife does. It is often just boring to him. He's like the
man standing at a fork in the road when a woman tourist
stopped and asked if it made any difference which road she
took to Vermont? He replied, "Not to me."
Indifference like this towards one's mate is a common fault
of husbands. The saying is true that a wife with good horse
sense doesn't nag, but often her nagging is a desperate
attempt to break through her husband's wall of indifference.
If a husband lives in respect for his wife as a person he
will avoid many of those problems that develop because of
indifference. In a moment of bitterness a husband said to
his wife, "You should have married a better man." She
replied, "I did." If a husband will respect his wife the way
he did before they married he will be a successful husband.
The way to get ahead is to go back to how you were when
you first met. The second thing he must do is-
II. RESPECT HER EQUALITY AS A PARTNER.
Peter says you are joint heirs of the gracious gift of life.
There is equality of the sexes as partners in the business of
life. A husband cannot produce life by himself, nor does he
receive more grace from God than does his wife. She is an
equal partner in both. The inequality she has of being the
weaker sex physically is not a disadvantage for her, for Peter
says that her weakness is to call forth greater honor from the
husband. Just as you treat your china better than you do
your everyday dishes, so a wife is to be treated with greater
care because of her delicacy. Peter says that wives are
marked as fragile, and husbands should handle them with
care. The greater strength of a man is for the protection of
the female, and not for domination.
The inequalities of the sexes are only temporary, and are
for the purpose of fulfilling different functions, but the
equalities of the sexes are permanent. It is like the trinity.
Each of the three Persons in the Godhead have different
roles to play in the plan of salvation. Jesus took on the
weakness of human flesh, and He gave up equality with the
Father. This was only temporary, however, for He was then
restored again to the equality that is eternal. In the things
that really matter for eternity husbands and wives are equal.
When a child is born they are parents as equal partners.
They are equal as joint heirs in the kingdom of God. In
Christ there is neither male or female. God does not have
one standard of salvation and rewards for wives, and
another for husbands. They are one in Christ, and husbands
are to respect this equality and treat her as an equal partner.
When two become one in marriage they become a new
whole. It is not a 50-50 relationship, but each is a 100%
partner. There is no division for you cannot divide a living
thing. Solomon was going to cut the baby in half and give
each of the feuding mothers a half. That was a 50-50
compromise. If you are dealing with butter or milk or
anything that is a matter of quantity you can divide it, but
qualities of life are indivisible and cannot be divided. The
true mother knew that half a baby is no baby at all, and so
she prevented the division. In marriage the partners must
see they are one in such a way that there can be no division.
Mathematics does not apply in the realm of quality. In
marriage one plus one does not equal two, but one. As in the
trinity there is a oneness of unity where one plus one plus
one equals one, and not three.
If two people enjoy the same music they do not share it
50-50. The husbands does not enjoy 50% of it, and the wife
another 50%. They each enjoy the whole of it, and are
100% partners in the qualities they enjoy. There oneness
and partnership is such that any failure in the marriage is a
failure of the whole, and not just of one partner. If a fuse
burns out, you do not try and figure out which side of the
seal is to blame. It is a one piece and only has two sides
because it burned out. If husbands will respect the equality
of their wives as partners, and treat them accordingly, there
will be greater communication and a deeper sense of
oneness. A wife who is respected as a person and as a
partner will not find it hard to obey her role of being
submissive. It will, in fact, be pure pleasure. A successful
husband is one whose wife enjoys her role in the partnership
of marriage. If she doesn't there is something missing that
robs her of that joy, and likely it is the lack of respect she
receives from her husband. Thirdly Peter says,
III. RESPECT HER EXCELLENCE AS A PRAYER PARTNER.
Peter implies that mates are so much one that a husband
cannot even be successful in his spiritual life without his
wife. A husband who assumes that he can serve God and go
forward in the service of Christ without reference to the way
he treats his wife has an inadequate concept of marriage.
Peter says a right relationship to your wife is essential to a
right relationship to God. If you do not communicate with
your wife, and live with her according to these principles,
God may refuse to answer your prayers. God will not listen
to the prayers of a man who will not listen to the pleas of his
wife.
God is a God of justice, and He does not reward injustice.
If you refuse to meet the needs of your wife as a person, and
as a partner, it would be wrong for God to reward you by
meeting the needs you look to Him to meet. You need your
wife as a prayer partner to be effective in prayer. Marriage
is not a mere secular matter unrelated to the spiritual life of
the believer. Marriage is a religious experience, and it
affects your relationship to God. Prayer is no automatic
matter like a machine where you put in your money and get
what your request with no questions asked. Before God
responds to your requests He takes a look at your
relationship to your wife. If you disrespect the image of God
in her, it will hinder your prayers.
God may want to grant many requests of men, but He
will not do it because their home life is not worthy of such
favor. Unanswered prayer is not always because God does
not want it to be, but because it would be unfair to grant it
to one who has little or no respect for the needs and desires
of his wife. If, for example, you refuse to forgive your wife
for some folly whereby she has offended you, you have no
ground of hope in Scripture to believe that God will forgive
you as long as you withhold it from your mate.
God will not put His stamp of approval on the husband
who lives like the man in the moon. The moon shines bright
on one side, but is dark and cold on the other. If a man is all
bright and smiles before the world, but dark and cold
toward his wife in the home, he injures his relationship to
God, and is the stumbling block in the road to having his
own prayers answered. Few husbands ever think of it, but
Peter says a good relationship to your wife is essential to a
good relationship with God. The bottom line of all that
Peter is saying is that a man who respects his wife in the
same way that he respected her when they first met will be a
successful husband.
