Some little girls were having a great time playing wedding. They
had a couple of bridesmaids, a bride and a maid of honor. The
mother of one of the girls observed that the groom was conspicuous
by his absence, and she asked, "What about the groom?" One child
quickly replied, "We don't need a groom. This is just a small
wedding." There is many a wedding where the groom feels left out, and
many where he wishes he was left out, but the fact is, there is no way
to get a wedding so small that you do not need a groom. The
smallest wedding on record took place without any attendants or
guests, and there was no preacher, but even Eve had a groom.
When you have cut all the corners possible, and you are down to the
bare minimum you still have a groom. The groom is not in limelight
like the bride, and his role is very minimal. He gets only a fraction
of the published publicity, which is not much more than the ushers
get, but he is no mere appendage which can be cut off if necessary.
You can eliminate everyone else in the list below the bride, but the
groom must remain.
God in His all wise providence ordained that every wedding must
have a groom. It is important to man's ego that it is so, for if he was
not a necessity he might very well be ignored all together, and the
fantasy of the little girls might become fact. It is said with as much
truth as humor that some Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and
throw the groom away. But why all this rambling about the
necessity of a groom? It is because he does play second fiddle when
it comes to the wedding, and the fact is, he plays a secondary role in
the marriage.
The wife plays the leading role in marriage even though she is to
be submissive to her husband. When the biblical view of marriage
properly understood, no woman can ever complain that she is
treated unfairly. Nowhere is a woman's role as wife and mother so
exalted as it is in the Bible. The Bible is almost like the newspaper.
It magnifies and glorifies the bride and wife, and just mentions the
husband. Proverbs 31 gives the greatest description in literature of
the role of an ideal wife and mother. Nowhere in the Bible is there
such a description of the ideal husband and father.
Peter was a husband, and he had a great opportunity to write at
length about husbands, but in our text of 7 verses of marriage
counseling he devotes 6 of them to the wife, and only 1 to the
husband. It looks like typical coverage for the husband, and
possibly 6 to 1 is even better than what he gets in the paper. But the
question is, why? When the groom is just as essential as the bride,
why does he get so much attention? It is not only because he is less
beautiful than the bride, but also because his role is less difficult and
demanding than that of the bride. Generally speaking it is much
more difficult to be a good wife than to be a good husband. It takes
so many more virtues, and that is why the Bible and books on
marriage are filled with so much more advice for wives than for
husbands. One of the reasons is that wives read more on improving
their marriage than husbands do. Both Peter and Paul deal with the
wife before they do the husband, and they say more about her role.
What a wife is and does determines more in a marriage than any
other factor. She is the star at the wedding, and must go on being
the star, for when she falls the sky is dark indeed. Don't ever fall for
the folly that the biblical role of women makes her second class. If
women's lib wants freedom from the biblical role for women, then
they want to be free to be less and not more, for the biblical role
makes her the primary factor in marriage and the home. It is true
that man is dominant in business, government, war, and politics, but
when it comes to the home and marriage the wife is the leader.
The analogies of Scripture illustrate what I am saying. Jesus is
pictured as the groom, and the church is the bride. It is not hard for
the groom to be loving and loyal to his bride, but the bride is
constantly struggling to be faithful, and to keep unspotted from the
world. The battles of the bride is what the Christian life is all about.
The brides side of the union of God and man is the hard side.
Husbands, of course, cannot be so easily Godlike as God was with
His bride Israel, nor as easily Christlike as Christ is with His bride
the church. Nevertheless, I am convinced from Scripture, from
history, and from life, that it is easier to be superior than it is to be
submissive. The wife has the harder role, but also the most
significant. As in the relationship of Christ and the church, it is the
bride that determines the success of the relationship. If the church
fails, it is not because Christ has not loved enough. He is the perfect
husband, but if the bride fails to be submissive and obedient, the
union is not a happy one. Spiritually and literally the role of the
wife is the key role in marriage. That is why Peter devotes the
majority of his advice on marriage to the wife.
This advice is far from being obsolete. It is becoming more
relevant everyday. Anyone who can read knows that marriage is in
big trouble today. It is not that it is less popular, for everybody is
still doing it, but the problem is they are doing it more and enjoying
it less. The quantity is greater than ever, and people are getting
married two and three times, but the quality is sadly deficient.
People look upon marriage as an experiment, and if nothing
develops they move on to another experiment. This approach is fine
in the laboratory, for it is the scientific method, but marriage is not
designed by God to fit into the scientific method. Marriage is closer
to religion than science, and it is a matter of faith and commitment.
One must enter marriage with a religious attitude rather than a
scientific attitude to make it work.
The world is flooded with advice for those brave adventurers
embarking on the sea of matrimony. The advice varies according to
the experience of the so-called expert giving the advice. If some have
been wrecked on the rocks and sent to the bottom because of a
stormy marriage, they will not encourage you to believe it is a
blessed blissful journey of sailing into the sun. In fact, they will offer
you some such advice as this-
I would advise a man to pause
Before he takes a wife.
In fact, I see no earthly cause
He should not pause for life.
All to often the negative attitude dominates even in the Christian
mind. He begins to think like Elijah, and feel that he is the only one
left. In spite of the fact that marriage failure is a major social
problem, there are still millions of happy marriages where the mates
have not bowed the knee to Baal, and the other idols that break up
the marriage duet. For them, marriage is a joyful journey, and not a
tragic trip. The sun may not always shine, but they know it is
always there even if the clouds are covering it for a time. They can
appreciate the truth of what Middleton writes concerning marriage.
The Treasures of the deep are not so precious,
As are the conceal'd comforts of a man
Lock'd up in woman's love. I scent the air
Of blessings, when I come but near the house;
What a delicious breathe marriage sends forth.
The violet-bed's not sweeter. Honest wedlock
Is like the banqueting-house built in a garden
On which the spring's chaste flowers take delight.
To cast their modest odors.
Marriage can be so wonderful that it even smells good. It can be
all that God intended it to be if we obey the principles He gives us.
Making marriage marvelous is a matter of making sure the
ingredients that Peter mentions in our text are mixed well into the
relationship. As we inspect these ingredients take note of any that
you lack, and do some shopping soon in the supermarket of God's
abundant grace. Keep them on your prayer shopping list until you
are well supplied. We want to concentrate on the ingredients which
the wife is to add to the recipe for a marvelous marriage. One is a
matter of external action, and the other is a matter of internal
attraction. The visible and the invisible are both important. Let's look first at-
I. EXTERNAL ACTION.
Peter says that what you do as a wife is far more important than
what you say. A woman's behavior has a powerful impact on a man
even if he is an unbeliever. Peter knows he is writing to many
women who are married to men who are not Christians. He says
that by beautiful behavior they can win their husbands even without
saying a word. Nowhere is it more true than in marriage that
actions speak louder than words. So often wives try and convince
their husbands by argument that the Bible is true. They are very
seldom successful because it is hard for any man to admit that his
wife has more good sense than himself. He will not be overly
impressed if a religious experience changes his wife's vocabulary,
but he will be impressed if it changes his behavior.
Many women do not like the action and behavior that Peter
recommends, but when it is understood it is not hard to swallow.
Submissiveness frightens a lot of women. They often think this is
degrading for a wife. It seems to deny her equality, and it makes her
a slave to the male chauvinist. This is a total misunderstanding of
the principle involved. Jesus did not grasp at equality with the
Father. He humbled Himself and took upon Himself the form of a
servant. He was obedient even unto the death of the cross. The
result was that God highly exalted Him, and gave Him a name above
all names that at His name every knee should bow. The way of
submission is the way to sublime exaltation. The wife who fulfills
God's role, and is submissive to her husband will soon be on a
pedestal of admiration. He will not treat her as mere equal, but as a
precious gift far superior to what he is worthy to possess.
The principle of submissiveness is far more effective than the
strategy of women's lib. Peter says that even a non-Christian
husband will find it hard to remain an unbeliever if his wife lives
with him in submissiveness. Peter is not guilty of a blind and
unrealistic optimism. He does not say this is fool proof and will
work in every case. He says wives should so live that some may be
won by this means. Paul was all things to all men that by all means
he might win some. Not all are saved because Christ died for all,
and not will be won even if Christian wives obey Peter's advice, but
the Christian wife is obligated to try.
It is of interest to note that Peter does not say anything about
husbands with non-Christian wives. The implication is clear that
right from the start it was easier for women to become Christians
than for men. Women can respond to the Gospel on the basis of
hearing. Faith comes by hearing to the feminine mind, but men are
more skeptical and demand evidence more than women, and that is
why the actions of Christian women are such a vital part of
evangelism. Satan knew that the best way to influence a man was
through a woman, and that is why he went to Eve first. In God's
plan women are also leaders who influence men to follow Christ by
being living examples of the power that comes through yielding to
His lordship.
Jesus said that the servant is the greatest of all, and if women
could only see that submission is the means by which they take first
place they would not resist the role that makes them the key to
God's best. The more the church, as the bride of Christ, submits to
Christ, the more power she has to fulfill the will of God. The call to
submission is not to degrade but to enrich and exalt. This same
principle operates in marriage. Of course there are abusive
husbands where submission can be a participation in their evils, but
this is not to make the normal marriage be one where this principle
is neglected, for it is the way to victory. A wife is not to strive for
mere equality, but to aim for a much higher goal where she is
exalted because of her submission. When she is pleasing to her
husband by her actions which make him happy, he will exalt her and
follow her leading even into the kingdom of God. Shakespeare's
Katherine, who was the tamed shrew, finally came to this realization
and said,
I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace,
Or seek for rule, supremacy, and sway,
When they are bound to serve, love, and obey.
The idea of obey rubs women the wrong way, but it is only
because of the false image of a master and slave. This is not the
image of the Bible. Jesus did not obey the Father out of necessity as
one who was bound to do what He did not want to do. He chose to
obey the Father, and we are to choose to obey Christ, and the wife is
to choose to obey the husband as an act of love. There are many
exceptions where the wife ought never to obey the husband when he
wants her to disobey God, or her own conscience. We are dealing
here with the issue of cooperation where the wife gladly goes along
with the husbands goals and seeks to be a helpmate. She is a helper
and not one who hinders his goals, and the result is he is happy with
her, and will honor her for this role. Jesus was not degraded by His
obedience to God, and we are not degraded by obedience to Christ,
and any idea that a wife is somehow degraded by obeying her
husband is contrary to all that the Bible means by obedience. To
obey is to be exalted, and that is the only kind of obedience the Word
of God expects of a wife. Any obedience and submission that
degrades her is not God's will.
Peter holds up Sarah as an example of a submissive wife. She was
married to Abraham who was a very godly man, but it was not easy.
He pulled up stakes often and was a wandering man. He got her
involved in some foolish lies to protect himself and almost had her
ending up in another man's harem. He did some foolish things, but
still became a great man because of having a submissive wife. The
facts of history make it clear that most great men of God are that
because of the partnership they have with submissive wives. We can
paraphrase the well known poem and say,
Wives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And departing leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time.
Take Emma Revell Moody for example. Who ever heard of her?
Her husband was D. L. Moody who turned both England and
America upside down for Christ. People all over the world know of
and read the works of Moody the great evangelist. But what would
he have been without his partner Emma? He met her when she was
just 17, and she became a Sunday School teacher in a mission he was
starting. She got a good education and was a public school teacher.
Moody never finished his education, however, and had handicaps
because of it. His wife was a major helper and instructed him all his
life. They had three children, and one of the two sons paid her this
tribute: "To you, father owed such an education as no one else could
have given him." The other son, who was a Presbyterian pastor
wrote, "My father's admiration for her was as boundless as his love
for her. Till the day of his death he never ceased to wonder two
things-the use God had made of him despite what he considered his
handicaps, and the miracle of having won the love of a woman he
considered so completely his superior."
She did everything for Moody. She wrote all of his letters, and
handled all his money. She paid the bills and dozens of things that he
might be free to do what God called him to do. Her submission to
her husband's authority and goals, even though she was superior to
him in many ways, did not degrade her, but made her one of the
greatest influences in Christian history. She made her marriage a
marvelous tool for the kingdom of God, and millions were added to
the kingdom because of her submission.
Submission is not always easy even with a godly man, and it can
be near torture with an ungodly man, but the principle is universal.
The hope for a happy marriage lies in a wife's ability to be a good
vice-president. Sometimes a president is absent, sick, or unable to
function, and the vice-president has to be able to take over the duties
of the president. The vice-president has to be equal with the
president, and be ready to take over, but also have the added virtue
of being a servant of the president. Such is the role of the wife in
marriage. She is capable of being president, but her primary task is
to help the president be successful in his task, and her submissive
behavior is the means to this end. To be equal and yet submissive is
exactly what we see in Christ. This means the wife has the most
Christlike role in marriage. Lets look briefly at the second point
which is\-
II. INTERNAL ATTRACTION.
Peter urges wives to focus on the inner beauty of a quiet and
gentle spirit. To be gentle and quiet rather than aggressive and loud
is to be submissive. But where is the power in that to change life for
the better? Gary Smalley in his book The Joy Of Committed Love
tells of Mike and Gail. Their only competition was who hates who
the most. They had no love for each other, or their two children.
Mike went to a bar after work, and spent his night with other
women. He came home late at night drunk, and he and Gail would
have violent fights. Gail's only dream was to save up enough money
to leave him.
A friend got hold of Gail and showed her this idea of Peter's
about a gentle and quiet spirit. She was persuaded to try it. The first
week nothing happened, but the second week she saw Mike begin to
change in response to her radical change in behavior. They began to
fall in love all over again. And now for over two decades they have
helped many hundreds of other couples make the same discovery of
the power of gentleness and quietness. These feminine qualities of
life are not weak, but very powerful. Submission can conquer where
aggression can never win. It is the tool by which a wife becomes a
queen and not a slave. Submission is power, and it is folly to avoid it
by thinking it is a form of weakness. It is the very power that is the
basis for our salvation.
Jesus taught that the one who wants to be the greatest will need
to learn how to be a servant. The wife who learns the power of
submission and service will be the greatest leader in the marriage.
All the ideas that make this issue of submission negative to women
are a distortion. It is simply being Christlike in a way that will lead
to exaltation. When seen in relation to Christ's spirit of submission it
becomes the noblest of virtues. If a husband does not respond to a
wife's submission by exalting her and making her delighted to
submit, then he is the one failing to fulfill his role as a husband. He is
in the place of God the Father in the relationship, and just as God
exalted Jesus for His submission and obedience, so the husband is to
do for the wife. If he does this, he fulfills his role and makes the
marriage marvelous. If your marriage is not marvelous, one of you,
or both of you, are not playing the role that God has ordained. Each
partner doing their part, as Peter commands, will be daily making
their marriage marvelous.
