Illustration: A lonely grandmother eavesdrops on the conversation of a teenager who was dating in the park. Girl: "You don't love me?" Boy: "I do!" Girl: "We've been dating for four months. What's the proof?" Boy: "ABCDEFG." Girl: "What's that?" Boy: "A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl." The girl's face immediately blushed. The grandmother was jealous and upset because she had been married for 40 years, but her estranged husband never flattered her like that. The grandmother immediately went home and asked her husband: "Do you love me?" Her husband: "Yeah ..." Grandma: "What proof?" Her husband: "The proof we have been together for 40 years." Grandma insisted: "I want the answer ABCDEFG." Her husband: "Ooo ...., for you, you are ABCDEFGHIJK." Grandma was happy; the girl who was dating for four months, only A to G, but she got A to K. The grandma smiled: "What are ABCDEFGHIJK?" Her husband: "You are: Amazing, Beautiful, Cute, Dynamic, Elegant, Fantastic, Good, High tech, …" Grandma really liked it. She asked again: "What is the IJK?" Her husband: "Do you really want to know what IJK is?" Grandma: "Sure." Husband: "I'm Just Kidding." No wonder she is lonely. Like I said before, more than 60% of lonely people are married.
Today we'll continue the sermon series on "Loneliness." According to a 2018 CIGNA study, loneliness in America has reached "epidemic" levels. After surveying twenty thousand adults, researchers found that 46 percent felt alone either sometimes or always, 47 percent felt left out, and 27 percent rarely or never felt as though there were people who really understood them (forty years ago were only between 11 and 20 percent). And it's not something that only Americans experience. Governments from Denmark to Japan have taken loneliness as a serious societal problem. In 2018, the United Kingdom's prime minister appointed a Minister of Loneliness, Diana Barran, to address what was felt to be a serious health issue. A 2017 report said nine million of the country's 67 million people feel lonely some or all of the time. Approximately two million people over the age of 75 across England reported going weeks without any meaningful social interaction. Tetsushi Sakamoto is Japan's new Minister of Loneliness. The World Health Organization now lists the lack of "social support networks" as a determinant of health.
Henri Nouwen, in his book, "Reaching Out," said these words: "Loneliness is one of the universal sources of human suffering today. Psychiatrists and clinical psychologists speak about it as the most frequently expressed complaint and the root of not only an increasing number of suicides and alcoholism, drug abuse, and other major physical and psychological problems. And it can have devastating effects. Chronic loneliness results in physical and mental disorders and increases the odds of early death and violence. The perpetrators of the Columbine High School tragedy, Eric Harris and Dylan Kleighbolt, wrote in his diary: "I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things. You people had my phone number, and I asked but no, no, no, no, don't let the weird Eric kid come along." So tragic!!!
Last month we learned about understanding loneliness, the side effects, and some people in the Bible who experienced loneliness. Today, we will continue understanding the signs of loneliness to know when we have loneliness and how to deal with it.
Signs of Loneliness
Depending on the situation, signs of an underlying state of loneliness may include the following:
1. Social anxiety. A key indicator might be that social events leave you feeling burned out, emotionally drained, or mentally exhausted if you regularly feel lonely. "In terms of mental health, lonely individuals are more prone to depression and anxiety, particularly social anxiety. It also puts individuals at greater risk of cognitive decline and dementia," Dr. Kalpa Kharicha, Head of Innovation, Policy, and Research at Campaign to End Loneliness, tells us.
2. Feeling bored. Because of that, you are hooked to social media. A research study shows a connection between loneliness and social media addiction. Lonely people often use social media to gain social approval and recognition virtually. The study found out that: those who spend more than two hours a day on social media were twice as likely to feel lonely than those who spent 30 minutes or less on social media platforms.
3. Feeling helpless and substance abuse. In a study, Heinrich and Gullone indicated that loneliness is directly related to a person's damaging physical and psychological health and is often associated with depression and substance abuse. This study further concludes that alcoholism and other forms of substance abuse are used as a measure to discard the feeling of loneliness and acquire a sense of security. Similarly, drug abuse could be a way to satisfy emotional and psychological needs.
4. Having disturbed sleep. Research back in 2011 at Dakota concluded that fragmented sleep could be associated with loneliness. Are you having difficulty with sound sleep? Are you waking up in the middle of the night or having trouble falling asleep? The reasons behind this connection are not entirely clear, but social insecurity might make you worry and stress over your social worth. Worrying and overthinking it might cause you to lose sleep.
5. Indulging in emotional eating. A therapist said, "Lonely people often eat to feel the void inside them, and it is a physical act of metaphorically filling the gap they want to avoid slipping into."
6. Feeling in a constant "unpleasant" state. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience, said, "If we think about loneliness as this adaptive response kind of like hunger and thirst, it's this unpleasant state that motivates us to seek out social connections just like hunger motivates us to seek out food."
How should we deal with loneliness?
I. Fellowship with God.
In a famous prayer, Augustine once expressed our need for God: "You have made us for Yourself, o Lord; And our hearts are restless until they rest in You." God created human beings for himself, but He respected us enough to decide whether to obey Him or rebel. Sadly, Adam and Eve chose to rebel against God's will. Since then, human hearts have been restless because their fellowship with their Creator has been cut off. Armand M. Nicholi, M.D., professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, explains that Sigmund Freud died a bitter and disillusioned man at 83. Tragically, this Viennese physician, one of the most influential thinkers of our time, had little compassion for the common person. Freud wrote in 1918, "I have found little that is good about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash, no matter whether they publicly subscribe to this or that ethical doctrine or to none at all" (Veritas Reconsidered, p. 36). Freud died friendlessly. It is well-known that he had broken with each of his followers. The end was bitter.
We don't need to suffer from loneliness! When we believe in Christ Jesus, He and Holy Spirit dwells in our hearts (Eph 3:17a - "… Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith." 2 Corinthians 1:22 - "who also sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as a pledge."). Not only that, but we were also adopted to be God's children (John 1:12 – "Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God"). So, we'll never be alone. God is always with us or Immanuel (Matthew 1:23 – "Behold, the virgin shall be with child and shall bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel," which translated means, "God with us."). And He will never leave us alone (Heb 13:5b - "because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."). Even when everyone leaves us, God is still and always with us (Psa 27:10 – "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."). Of course, He shouldn't be last. He should be first. Even when we are in prominent families and have many friends, the Lord should be our first place for refuge and comfort. So, if you feel rejected everywhere, know that the Lord is with you.
As I said before, having God in our lives doesn't free us from experiencing emotional problems. But because we have Him, we can come to and bring our burdens to Him. So, when we feel lonely, discouraged, or have anxiety, the Bible tells us to come to God (1 Pet 5:7 – "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."). That is why we need to spend time everyday day to have fellowship with God and build an intimate relationship with Him through prayers and meditating on His words. "To know God,' says Elisabeth Elliot, "is to know we are not alone in the universe. Someone else is out there." This is much like the titles of two of Francis Schaeffer's books, "The God Who is There," and "He Is There, and He Is Not Silent." Our God is Immanuel, God with us. So, we can have fellowship with God.
II. Fellowship with the Church.
God is our Father, and the church is our spiritual family. In Ephesians 2:19, Paul says, "Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God's people and also members of his household"). So, every Christian has brothers and sisters in Christ, and therefore, they don't need to feel lonely. As the family of God, the Bible says we should carry each other's burden ("Carry each other's burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2), love one another ("Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." Romans 12:10), encourage one another ("Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11), forgive one another ("Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13), serve one another ("You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love." Galatians 5:13) and pray for one another ("Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16).
That is what a church should be: where the members love, serve, and help one another, care for each other, and pray for one another. Christians who go to church should not feel lonely. They have God, who is always with them, and a spiritual family at church. That is what our church should be. Since our church is small, we can do it better. Here everyone knows everyone. When you go to a big church, you may not even know the persons sitting near you. The pastor may also not know you. May God use each one of us to be a blessing for others. And as a family of God, we also can reach out to those who don't know Christ and are lonely.
