The 5 Languages of Love
Quality Time
May 1, 2022
God gave us a new commanded to love one another as he loved us. It seems like it should be simple. In some ways it is simple. Yet, it seems way more complicated. As a man, I realize that dealing with the opposite sex starts out when you’re young. I remember hearing that girls had cooties. Any guys ever been there? I’m not sure if boys had anything, but that wasn’t my concern in my early days.
After awhile you realize they don’t have cooties and who started that vicious rumor about girls. I kind of had my first girl friend in 5th grade. She knew I liked her because I picked on her and she picked on me. That was the level of our maturity in those days. Since we didn’t know how to show affection, that was what we thought we were supposed to do.
I’m not sure who taught me what love is really about. When you think about it, we really don’t do a great job of teaching, it’s mostly on the job training. After all, how do you tell your child how to love, other than to remind them about the basics of relationships.
Well, we’re looking at the 5 Languages of Love. After all the books that have been written on love and relationships, you’d think we’d have this thing about relationships mastered. We should never be making mistakes or getting into arguments. There should rarely be a divorce. But the fact is, as John Gray wrote in his best selling book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Sometimes it really does seem we’re on different planets.
But there’s a way to help us move closer in our relationships, with our spouse, children, parents and others who we’re close to. It’s learning what someone’s love language is. Knowing what ours is and how to give another person our love.
Last week, we looked at the first of the 5 love languages according to Gary Chapman. We looked at Words of Affirmation. Each week, I’m going to do a quick review. Words of affirmation is pretty straight forward. We use our words to encourage, affirm and build up another person.
Ways to use words of affirmation would be - - -
Compliments - you look nice . . . that was a great meal . . . thanks for doing ---
Encouragement - “I’m proud of you” or “I believe in you!” Saying, thank you
Kind Words - show appreciation for what someone did. Simply saying hello or asking how someone is doing. Use kind words when having a disagreement. Kind words are also about the tone we use when we speak. No sarcasm allowed.
Praise - Congratulate someone . . . praise them for a good effort.
All people like to be acknowledged. Remembering someone’s name is important.
In fact, we have a short video to show you as a reminder . . .
VIDEO
Today, we’re going to look at the second of the love languages . . .
QUALITY TIME
This is where our definitions of what quality time means can be very different between men and women. Men can go to a friends home, with a few other guys, watch a football game, come home, never have a serious conversation. They ate, laughed, but more than anything watched football and talked football. The men will tell you they had a great time and really enjoy being with one another.
Most women don’t get it, because they want to have a conversation. This was simply time, not quality time. So, we need to be careful how we define quality time
Quality time, as defined by Dr. Chapman is this - - -
Quality time is dedicating our full attention and dedicated time to the person we love. This could mean sitting together on the couch talking, reading together, hanging out after a long day, taking a road trip or more.
It involves committing our undivided attention and focus to our special someone, eliminating all distractions, and letting them know that, through this gift of time, they are loved.
There have been times when I have failed miserably at this one. I used to try to watch ESPN and listen to Debbie at the same time. That didn’t go well. On occasion, I still do this. I may be on my phone and Debbie is talking to me. Ever been there? It’s not good when you do that. Learn from me!!
There are a number of examples in the Bible of quality time. The Bible doesn’t say this is quality time, but we have to read into the passage.
For example, the women at the well in John 4 is a great example. Jesus meets up with a Samaritan woman.
In the ancient world, men didn’t speak to women. Rabbis didn’t teach outcasts and sinners. Jews and Samaritans were enemies. Yet Jesus takes a radical step to spend quality time with a woman at a well and as a result, her life and the lives of many in her village comes to faith.
She came in the middle of the day to get water, because she was viewed as an outcast in her community. She had been married 5 times and was living with another man. So, to avoid all of the other women who would have come in the morning or late in the day when it was cooler, she came in the heat of the day.
They probably used words to shame her, and she felt their looks, and wanted to avoid it, so she was alone when she came to the well. She didn’t expect anyone else to be there.
This woman comes with an empty bucket, feeling empty inside. Jesus meets her at the well and asks her for a drink of water. Remember, this conversation never should have happened.
He was a man; she was a woman. He was a Jew; she was a Samaritan. They should never have acknowledged each other’s existence, never been at the same place at the same time. Jews and Samaritans do not eat from the same dishes or drink from the same cups. That is a very clear violation of Jewish Law. But Jesus breaks the rules. We’re going to especially see that in 2 weeks when we look at physical touch.
Jesus never condemned this woman. She had already been beaten down. She didn’t need more criticism, she needed to drink from the living water that Jesus had. It’s an interesting dialogue and play on the entire situation.
Jesus was thirsty - the woman was thirsty. She came to get water, but received living water, and left without bringing the water back with her.
John 4:28 tells us after talking with Jesus, the woman “left her water jar beside the well” and headed back toward town. Isn’t that great. She left without the physical water, because she now had the spiritual water and a changed life.
She brought an empty jar and an empty life and she left both behind.
When others would not give her the time of day, Jesus spent quality time with her. Jesus models for us the love language of quality time. Quality time means — we listen and give our undivided attention to another person. Quality time says there is nothing more important at this moment than you. Quality time refuses to interrupt another person.
Research has indicated that the average individual listens for only 17 seconds before interrupting and interjecting his/her ideas. If I give you my undivided attention while you’re talking, that means I need to refrain from jumping in. My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings. It’s to understand and love you.
I’ve been guilty of that one as well. Debbie and I might be talking and I would jump in. She was only taking a breath. But since she paused, I thought I would interject my thoughts . . . or better yet, my solutions! Which is another sermon.
We see quality time at work in the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10 - - -
38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house.
39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to His teaching.
40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to Jesus and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.”
41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things,
42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” - Luke 10
The home of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus was a safe place for Jesus and His followers. It was a place for great food, rest and conversation. Mary appreciates the gift of quality time. She’s always listening at Jesus’ feet. Martha, however, is wired differently. Acts of Service seems to be her love language, but it’s gotten twisted. It’s not about expressing love anymore. She’s trying to be Martha Stewart. So Jesus tells her, she’s worried and distracted. That on this occasion Mary has chosen the better portion, which can never be taken away.
Worry and distraction are the enemies of quality time. They steal our joy and our ability to be present for another person. A loved one is sharing an important feeling, but our mind is far away - - - thinking or worrying about something totally different.
At its heart, quality time is loving someone enough to lay aside the worry and distraction in order to be fully present. The Biblical understanding of quality time is abiding. Drawing near and drawing the other person out.
Spending quality time with another is like offering living water. And for some, the water given to a parched soul truly is “living.”
And as we read through the Bible we can see where Jesus was spending quality time with His disciples and then quality time with them on a more individual basis. Think about the time with Peter, or with John. Even challenging Thomas when he was doubting Jesus. Think about the undivided attention Jesus gave to those in need. His call to allow the children to come to Him.
All of this shows the importance of quality time. It doesn’t have to be hours and hours. But it’s giving your attention to the other person.
Remember quality time is not as much about the activity as it is about your focus.
For example, watching television or going to the movies isn’t always an ideal way to enjoy quality time because your attention is focused on something else, even if you’re sitting next to each other.
Quality time is about attention.
Some examples could be taking a walk or exercising together, cooking a meal together, or going on a weekend getaway.
Playing cards or a board game is another example, as is doing a puzzle. Sometimes taking a class together.
Some instructions on what to do - -
• Maintain eye contact with the other person
• Don’t multi-task
• Listen for their feelings
• Observe body language
• Don’t interrupt
• Ask questions
It’s much the same with God. Some people like to spend time with God in nature or enjoy a quiet cup of coffee while reading the Bible and “listening” to God’s teaching.
Listen to this passage from John 15. Think about the key word that Jesus repeats over and over again - - -
4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.
5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in you, will bear much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned.
7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.
8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.
9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.
10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in His love.
11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
What’s the key word in those verses? We hear it 10 different times. ABIDE.
Jesus calls us to abide in Him. That means we are to remain in Him, to dwell in Him. We’re to consider Jesus our refuge and place to reside. It means a closeness to Him. And the only way we can gain this closeness is through abiding in Jesus.
It’s the connection that fills us when we’re struggling. It’s the time together that gives us encouragement and strength, it gives us a power and at the same time brings us peace and hope.
We can gain that by spending time with God. We can’t know God if we don’t spend time with Him. Let me paraphrase the way John Owens, a 17th century writer puts it in his book Communion with God - - -
When we believe in God we have union with Him, and when we abide in Him, we have communion with Him. We can have union without communion, but we cannot have communion without union.
The point is, I believe we all long for a communion with God. If you’re a believer, you have union with God, but when we abide in Him, when we spend time with the Master, we gain a communion with Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit and that can never be taken away.
As you consider your relationship with God, the simple questions are what time do you spend with God? Is it quality time? Are you trying to read the Bible or pray, while you’re watching a ball game or watching a movie? That’s not quality time.
So, how can you devote more time to God? How can you seek to spend uninterrupted time with God? That means turning your phone off or at least silencing it. Removing all distractions that will take your focus off of God. If you don’t do that, then you won’t have that quality time with Him.
This is why God sent the Spirit to us. It’s really cool that God loves us so much that He sent the Holy Spirit to be with us so that we would never be alone. Talk about quality time!! God will give you uninterrupted time 24/7.
Jesus focused a lot on quality time. He shared meals with His disciples and took long trips with them. He spent hours and hours teaching them.
And after the resurrection, when He returned to heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit to take up residence in our hearts — the ultimate gift of quality time.
