Rita Fischer of Dexter, Michigan, recalls her wedding day, which was unseasonably warm. To make matters worse, the air conditioning in the church wasn't working. She became increasingly uncomfortable in her gown. She grumbled during the photo session, then endured the receiving line, cutting the cake, even opening the presents.
But when she saw the mountain of cards to open, that was it. Smiling, she said to the guests, “You'll have to excuse us, but we're very hot and need to do something about it.”
Then she saw her husband’s look and her face grew even hotter when she realized what she had said (Rita Fischer, Dexter, Michigan, “Rolling Down the Aisle,” Christian Reader; www. PreachingToday.com).
She was embarrassed, but married couples don’t have to be ashamed. On the contrary, they should celebrate sex in their marriage, because God designed it and gave it to them as His special wedding gift.
If you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to 1 Corinthians 7, 1 Corinthians 7, where we see why God gave sex to married couples.
1 Corinthians 7:1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman” (ESV).
Lit., it is good for a man not to hold a woman. This is NOT what God says. Notice, the saying is in quotes. This is what some of the false teachers teach. Some teach, “Have sex with anybody you want. There’s no law against it” (1 Corinthians 6:12). Others teach, “Don’t even touch a woman. All sex is sinful” (1 Corinthians 7:1). False teachers promote one of these two extremes—either complete abstinence or reckless indulgence. On the other hand, God encourages passionate sex within the boundary of marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband (ESV).
Sexual passion within marriage protects couples from sexual immorality outside of marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband (ESV).
Literally, the husband should pay his wife what he owes her, and the wife should pay her husband.
I like the way Ray Ortlund put it in a recent book on marriage. He writes:
The key to understanding the sexual wisdom of [the Bible] is to combine both form and freedom, both structure and liberation. Conservative people love form and restraint and control.
Progressive people love freedom and openness and choices. Both see part of the truth, but wisdom sees more. Wisdom teaches us that God gave us our sexuality both to focus our romantic joy and to unleash our romantic joy. When our desires are both focused and unleashed—both form and freedom—our sexual experience becomes wonderfully intensified. A marriage can flourish within both form and freedom, because sex is like a fire. In the fireplace, it keeps us warm. Outside the fireplace, it burns the house down. Here's the message of the Bible: “Keep the fire within the marital fireplace and stoke that fire as hot as you can” (Ray Ortlund, Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel, Crossway, 2016, p. 65; www.PreachingToday.com).
You owe it to your spouse, so…
PAY HIM OR HER WHAT YOU OWE.
Give your spouse his or her due. Share pleasure together on a regular basis.
Do it, first of all, to prevent immorality. Do it to protect yourselves from sexual sin. Verse 2 makes it very clear. Do it “because of the temptation to sexual immorality.”
Several years ago, I had the privilege of conducting a wedding ceremony for a young man who grew up in one of my previous churches. He met a beautiful young lady and fell head over heels in love. He spent a lot of time with her, told her how wonderful she was, and gave her special little gifts.
Then he got married, and it was like a switch flipped off in his brain. When he wasn’t at work, he was with his friends or working on his car. He ignored his new bride, who began to feel abandoned by him. She desperately wanted his attention, but he was always too busy for her.
It wasn’t long before another man at her work began to pay special attention to her. He told her how wonderful she was, gave her special little gifts and began to spend a lot of time with her. Eventually, she found herself in bed with this man, and she left her husband.
Now, there is no excuse for what she did. She has nobody to blame but herself for her own sinful choices. But her husband, by ignoring her need for romance, made it a lot easier for her to make those choices.
My dear friends, if you want to keep that from happening in your marriage, stoke those fires of romance constantly. Do it to prevent immorality.
Second, do it to promote intimacy. Enjoy regular sex with your spouse to bring both you together. Give yourselves totally and completely to each other to unite both of you like nothing else can. That’s the attitude expressed in verse 4.
1 Corinthians 7:4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does (ESV).
To put it bluntly, if you are married, you are not in control of your own body, your spouse is. Now, this is NOT to say that I can take control of my wife’s body. Love is NEVER about TAKING anything. Love is ALWAYS about GIVING. NO! I don’t TAKE control; I GIVE control to my mate.
Men, that means you must love your wife in the way SHE wants to be loved, not the way YOU want to be loved. Give up your right of control in this area to her. She is in charge here. And women, that means you must love your husbands in the way HE wants to be loved, not the way YOU want to be loved. You give up your right of control in this area to him. He is in charge here. There is mutuality in romantic love. BOTH the husband and the wife give up control to each other. BOTH give themselves fully and completely to each other, and therein find real joy.
Joni Eareckson Tada (a paraplegic) put it this way: “I never got married to get my needs met. My husband does not exist to meet my needs. I exist to meet his needs. And incidentally, while I'm doing that, a couple of my needs might get met. Surprise, surprise! That is the joy, I think, of being married. It's also the joy of ministering” (Joni Eareckson Tada quoted in Leadership, Marriage Partnership, Vol. 13, no. 3).
Did you hear that? My spouse does not exist to meet my needs. I exist to meet his or her needs. Don’t TAKE from the relationship; GIVE to it. Don’t make DEMANDS of each other. Instead, DEDICATE your body, your time, and all that you are to serve and meet the needs of your mate. Love him or her in the way THEY need to be loved, not the way YOU want to be loved.
Now, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, men and women have very different needs in this area. I like the way Dave Barry put it. What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. “What Men Want: Tickets for the World Series” (Dave Barry, Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex; www.PreachingToday.com).
Women need romance. Men need respect. It’s that simple. So men, if you’re going to love your wife in the way SHE needs to be loved, that means you must listen to her and hold her often. Contrary to the sentiment expressed in verse 1, it IS good for a man to hold a woman, especially his wife. And ladies, if you’re going to love your husband in the way HE needs to be loved, that means all you have to do is help him get those tickets! I mean it. You don’t know what it does for a man when he knows that his wife supports him fully in the things he is trying to do.
Bill Hybels has this suggestion for married couples: Do some of the crazy things you did together when you were dating. Remember how good it feels to hold your spouse's hand on a walk around the block. Go out on picnics in the middle of the woods. Find a secluded beach and do... well, whatever comes naturally. Life is too short to be driven continually by Day-Timers, calendars and watches. Laugh a lot. Enjoy each other. Love must rest on trust, honesty and plain old fun. It is only when those foundations are built and maintained that oneness, the self-giving union of two souls, is possible (Bill Hybels, Tender Love, 1993; www.PreachingToday.com).
Sex is very important to a marriage. It prevents immorality. It promotes intimacy.
And 3rd, it protects internally.
1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive one another” – lit., do not rob each other; do not steal from each other – “except by agreement for a limited time…”
I’ve got to stop right there. The Greek word for “agreement” is “symphony.” It literally means “to sound together,” or “to be in harmony.” And that’s what God designed the marriage relationship to be. It is supposed to be two people making music together in beautiful harmony, like a grand and glorious symphony orchestra.
1 Corinthians 7:5-6 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Now as a concession, not a command, I say this.
Temporary abstention from sex in marriage is only a concession. It is certainly not the norm, and it is certainly not commanded. In fact it would be better for married couples never to abstain from sex, but Paul concedes that there might be a few times when it is allowable, but then only by mutual consent, and only for a short time and only for prayer.
Otherwise, you open yourselves up to satanic attack. Sex in a marriage is very important. It protects you from satanic attack!
Several men in the locker room of a private exercise club were talking when a cell phone lying on the bench rang. One man picked it up without hesitation, and the following conversation ensued:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"I'm at the mall two blocks from the club. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it? It's only $1,500."
"Well, okay, if you like it that much."
"Thanks! Oh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a great price."
"How much?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, there's something else. It might seem like a lot, but, well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning, and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The beachfront property with the pool and the English garden?"
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000, a magnificent price, and we have that much in the bank to cover it."
"Well then, go ahead and buy it, but put in a bid for only $420,000, okay?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"
"I love you, too."
The man hung up, closed the phone's flap, and raised it aloft, asking, “Does anyone know who this cell phone belongs to?” (John Fehlen, Stanwood, Washington; www.PreachingToday.com).
Dear friends, if you don’t care for our spouse, somebody else will move in on them. Satan will take advantage of them, and you will be robbed blind.
Sex in marriage is very important. You owe it to your spouse to prevent immorality, to promote intimacy, and to protect them internally. So pay your spouse what you owe. Then, through sex with your spouse…
PRAISE THE LORD.
Honor God by enjoying your spouse. Show gratitude for His wonderful gift.
God gave married couples the wonderful gift of sex. Thus, to spurn that gift would insult the Giver of that gift. It would offend God himself. In verse 7, Paul says…
1 Corinthians 7:7 “I wish that all were as I myself am” – i.e., unmarried – “But each has his own gift from God; one of one kind and one of another.”
Celibacy is a gift from God. The ability to live single and unattached is a real favor.
But so is sex within marriage. It too is a gift from God, like any other spiritual gift. The same word for “gift” here is used in 1 Corinthians 12, where it lists all the spiritual gifts, those supernatural abilities God gives believers to serve Him. In the same way, the passion between a husband and his wife is a spiritual gift, a supernatural ability to serve. In fact, I like to think of it as God’s wedding present to a newly married couple.
When couples get married, they get a lot of wedding presents: toasters, microwave ovens, electric fry pans—we got three of those when we got married! Now, 41 years later, we have worn out most of our wedding gifts.
But there is one wedding present that has lasted and improved over the years. It was God’s wedding present, which we opened for the first time on our wedding night. It was the passion we shared fully and completely that night.
Today, that passion is not as intense on the surface as it was in the beginning. And we certainly don’t share it with the frequency we did in those early days. But I can honestly say that our passion has matured into a deeper, more beautiful romance over the years. It’s because we know each other better. It’s because we’ve worked through some difficult issues together. But primarily, it’s because God was at the center of our relationship.
Sex is a gift from God to every married couple. It is God’s wedding present, a spiritual gift, from our gracious Heavenly Father. So, my dear friends, if you are married, use that spiritual gift to honor God just as you would any other spiritual gift.
Richard Foster put it this way: “Attention to our marriage is an act of obedience to God. It is one concrete way we can put the kingdom of God first in our lives. We are serving Christ when we are investing time and energy in the marriage relationship (Richard J. Foster, Marriage Partnership, Vol. 5, no.1; www. PreachingToday.com).
Sex in marriage is very important. So enjoy it to pay your spouse what you owe, to praise the Lord; and finally, through regular sex with your spouse…
PUT YOURSELF AT EASE.
Help yourself. Do yourself a favor when you love your spouse.
1 Corinthians 7:8-9 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion (ESV).
It is more useful. It is to their advantage to marry than to burn with unsatisfied passion.
God made you with your passions and desires, and He gave you the best context in which to express those passions—the context of marriage. But if you repress those passions in your marriage, you’re of no use to anyone, much less yourself. So love your spouse with passion and help yourself. And please, don’t crash and burn with unfulfilled desire.
Through regular sex with your spouse, pay him or her what you owe, praise the Lord, and put yourself at ease.
Ken Davis describes the first 15 years of his marriage. He says, “I was a terrible husband. Diane (his wife) held down a full-time job, became my secretary, mothered our daughters, and waited on me hand and foot without ever demanding that I lift a finger to help. I loved my wife very much, but I hadn't yet learned how to show my love. I had a lesson to learn, and God used a vacuum cleaner to teach it.
I learned many things about vacuuming one day. First, I learned that our cat was terrified of vacuum cleaners. That kept me entertained for about an hour.
As I vacuumed in one direction, a stripe would appear. Going the opposite direction would create a stripe of a different shade. Entranced, I striped the whole room. Then I went crossways, creating a checkerboard pattern. I got so carried away that I dusted the furniture and straightened the entire house.
I was once again embedded in the easy chair, working on my crossword puzzle, when Diane came home. She struggled through the door with a bag of groceries under each arm, kicked the door shut with one foot, and then took in the house with an expert glance. Her mouth dropped open. Slowly the bags slipped from her grasp and dropped to the floor. “Who did this?” she asked.
"I did," I said. Without warning, she attacked. Diving on me before I could get out of the chair, she smothered me with kisses and hugs, showering gratitude on me for helping her. The kisses grew more passionate. We broke the chair. It was wonderful!
The vacuum cleaner taught me an important lesson that day. Love is expressed with more than just words (Ken Davis, Lighten Up! Great Stories from One of America's Favorite Storytellers, 2000, pp. 123-124; www.PreachingToday.com).
Show your wife you love her TODAY. Show your husband you love him. And go ahead: Break a chair!
