Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I read where one wife plans to divorce her husband as soon as she can find a way to do so without making him happy." Friends, Arnold may have read that, but in real life, divorce is no joke. It seldom brings happiness to anyone. Most of us are aware of the devastating effects that divorce has upon children. It is not good for kids to see their father or mother, at best, every other weekend. Studies continue to show that low grades in school, drug abuse, criminal activity and other negative behaviors are far more common among children whose parents have been divorced than among those whose parents remain married. A recent study found that the loneliest group of adults consists of men whose parents were divorced before they (the men) were six years old. Divorce doesn't make children happy. Adults experience great pain in divorce too. Though it is seldom the fault of only one party, one spouse usually ends up feeling abandoned and rejected and bears those scars for years. Sometimes the spouse who initiated the breakup also has regrets as a new marriage doesn't turn out as well as expected, and the children blame him or her for destroying the family.
Another place where divorce causes great harm is in the church. When a marriage breaks up, there can be conflict in a church as people inevitably side with one partner or the other. There is controversy within churches on how to deal with people who are divorced. There is one Baptist General Conference church in Wisconsin which had a terrible split because the pastor believed that someone who had been divorced should not be allowed to serve in any capacity in the church. Other times folks have become very upset when a pastor refuses to perform a wedding ceremony for an individual who has been married before. People who have gone through a divorce sometimes choose not to attend church because they are afraid of how they will be treated. Many churches and individual Christians have a hard time knowing how to respond to divorce.
We as Christians need to develop a clear understanding of what the Bible teaches on this topic. In dealing with this issue, it seems that people are prone to make one of two mistakes. The first is to ignore what the Bible teaches. There are some folks who claim the biblical attitude toward divorce is too harsh, and that we need to develop more compassionate guidelines to deal with these situations. I think that is silly. If we are not going to listen to what the Bible says about divorce, we really don't believe in the authority of Scripture. If we reject the Bible as God's Word for us, we are in a religious and moral wasteland with no way of knowing what is true, right or good. Even though the New Testament was written almost 2000 years ago, it continues to provide the moral standard by which Christians are to live, and we need to be willing to follow its guidelines on divorce. The second mistake I see Christians making is to oversimplify and distort the biblical teaching. I know some Christians who say, "God hates divorce. No one should ever get divorced. If you do divorce, you must never remarry. End of discussion." This morning you will learn that I don't believe that is what the Bible teaches. Now, I don't expect everyone to agree with my interpretation. I have argued with some of my best friends on this issue, but I do think we as Christians need to take time to carefully look at what the Bible says and make sure we are not distorting God's Word on this important subject.
What we are going to do today is look at 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. Though there are other texts which deal with divorce, I believe this passage accurately sums up the main points of what God says in His Word on this topic. Since our journey through 1 Corinthians has brought us to these verses, it seems like a good time to tackle what is a tough issue. Before we do that, let's pause and pray that God would help us understand and apply His Word today.
What we are going to do is note the main points that God makes through the Apostle Paul, and then talk about practical applications of what is taught here. I would summarize this passage in two main points. 1) Divorce is not a good thing. A Christian should not divorce his or her spouse. 7:10a To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord):.. What Paul says is something which Jesus Himself taught while He was on earth, in Matthew 5:31,32 and other texts. 7:10b A wife must not separate from her husband. For some reason Paul starts with a wife leaving her husband, which was not very common in his day, and at the end of Verse 11 he adds, "And a husband must not divorce his wife." It goes both ways. He does give one qualification. 7:11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. There is no reason to think that this doesn't apply to both husbands and wives as well. What he's describing here is somewhat like what we call a legal separation. A wife is no longer with her husband, but she is not free to marry someone else. Her options are to stay single or go back with her husband. It is difficult to guess what type of situation Paul is thinking about here. Perhaps it could be an abusive relationship of some type. Whatever the case, separation is permitted, but not divorce.
Paul then addresses a particular situation. 7:12a To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord):... Again, Paul does not mean his words are not inspired by God's Spirit, he simply is saying that Jesus did not address this topic while on earth. 7:12b,13 If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. Paul realized that a marriage between a Christian and someone who is not a believer would not be an easy situation. When one partner is committed to honoring the Lord and the other is not, there is probably going to be conflict. But, even in these situations it is not appropriate for a Christian to divorce his/her spouse. I'm sure some of these folks could give pious-sounding reasons why it would be good for them to divorce and get a new partner who shared their faith in Jesus, but Paul says no, divorce is not good. He then addresses a concern that some folks apparently had about a mixed marriage between a Christian and a nonbeliever. 7:14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. Is not a family, where only one partner is a Christian, dishonoring to God? No. The Christian husband or wife has a sanctifying effect on both the other spouse and on the children. This doesn't mean that these people automatically become Christians, get to go to heaven, or anything like that. It simply means that God will not withhold His blessing from a family just because only one of the marriage partners is a Christian. Thus, there is no reason for a Christian to divorce a nonbelieving spouse.
Divorce is not a good thing. 2) It is sometimes permitted, however. Listen carefully. 7:15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. Paul has just said that a Christian should not initiate a divorce. If, however, you have a nonbelieving spouse who wants out of the marriage, you should not fight it. Trying to force the other person to stay married is just asking for conflict. But, someone might ask, "Isn't it my job to try to lead my spouse to faith in Christ if he or she is not a Christian? Am I not failing in my responsibility to just let him or her out of the marriage?" Paul says no. 7:16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? The big question in these verses, however, is: What does Paul mean in Verse 15 when he says, "A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances."? I, and many biblical commentaries, would say that this means the Christian whose spouse has left is now free to remarry. He or she is no longer bound to the marriage vows. Listen to what Paul says in 7:39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. Now, there are two different Greek words translated "bound" in these verses, but I think Paul is referring to the same thing. A widow or widower, and a person whose spouse has left and wants nothing to do with the marriage, are both free to remarry. Let me give you a couple of reasons why I think that: 1) I don't think any other interpretation of the verse makes sense. Some of my friends claim that "no longer bound" means the Christian partner doesn't have to keep chasing the spouse around the country trying to persuade him or her to stay in the marriage. I think that's true, but it is hard for me to imagine that that would be the point Paul is making. The logical implication of "not bound" is "free to remarry." 2) I think it seems unlikely that Paul would insist that someone who has been previously married would stay single. In this chapter, Paul encourages other single people to marry so that they are better able to resist sexual temptations. Most folks who have been previously married probably don't have the gift of celibacy. Thus to me, at least, it makes sense that Paul would say that these individuals are not bound by their marriage vows and are free to remarry.
Now, as I mentioned, I have some close friends, pastors and theologians, who disagree with my interpretation. They claim that remarriage is never an option for a divorced person until the first spouse dies. Maybe some of you here may believe that too, and I certainly respect your stand. I hope you respect my position as well. One friend accused me of having a "liberal position" on divorce. That's probably one of the first times I have ever been called a "liberal." I pointed out to him, however, that my view on divorce is essentially the same as the position taken by Luther, Calvin, and by all the protestant reformers. I have not come to my views based on an effort to accommodate divorced people, but out of the desire to correctly apply what God teaches in His Word to our current situation. If you disagree with my understanding of this passage, I would love to discuss that with you. But, please don't make this an issue that will cause division between you and those who disagree. It is tragic that divorce has not only caused great pain in the lives of many individuals, but also has become such a difficult issue for the church to handle. My prayer is that God would give us a unity in understanding and applying His Word regarding this difficult topic.
OK, I want to spend the rest of the time exploring how I think the biblical teaching on marriage, divorce and remarriage works out in practical terms and try to answer some of the questions that folks sometimes ask me. I am going to pick out four names to use in our illustrations: Tom, Susan, John and Betty. Any similarities these names have to any real people is totally coincidental.
Question #1: Is it OK for someone to remarry if the divorce happened before that person became a Christian? The answer is: It depends. Let me explain. Let's say that after being married for three years, Tom and Susan get a divorce. A year later, Tom becomes a Christian, a believer in Jesus Christ. He also becomes very good friends with Betty who is also a believer. Is it OK, morally right, for Tom and Betty to get married? It depends on what has happened with Susan. As a Christian, Tom should go to Susan and seek to be reconciled with her. Though they may have a piece of paper which says they are divorced, she is still his wife. If Susan rejects Tom's appeal for reconciliation then, based upon what Paul has said in our text today, Tom is no longer bound to his original marriage and is free to pursue this relationship with Betty and marry her. Also, if Susan has already gotten married to someone else, then it frees Tom from any duty to seek reconciliation and also frees him to marry Betty. The key issue is not whether the divorce happened before someone became a Christian. Rather, the question is this: Is reconciliation with the original spouse possible? If not, I believe that the divorced person is free to remarry.
The second question, keeping in mind what I just said, is: Is the guilty party sometimes free to remarry? I think so. Let's go back to Tom and Susan. Tom is a real creep. He's had a number of affairs, and he is just tired of being married, so he files for divorce. Susan wants to keep their marriage together, but there is nothing she can do; the divorce is final. Two years later, Tom comes to his senses. He confesses his sin to the Lord and really wants to make things right. What should he do? Well, he should ask Susan to forgive him, and if she is still single, he should seek to be reconciled with her. Remember, however, that I believe Susan clearly has the right to remarry. So what if, by the time Tom comes to his senses, Susan has already married John? The Bible is clear, in Deuteronomy, that it would be wrong for Susan to leave her current spouse, John, to go back to Tom. Tom should not ask her to do that. So what should he do? Must Tom remain single and chaste for the rest of his life? I don't think so. Now, I don't have any specific Bible passage to point to, but I think this is the implication of what Paul teaches here in 1 Corinthians 7 and also of what Jesus teaches. Tom's marriage to Susan ended when she married John. She was free to do that because of what Tom had done. Because his marriage to Susan is over, even though he was a big creep, my understanding is that Tom is free to remarry.
Question #3: Is there a situation when it is wrong for a person who is divorced to remarry? Yes, whenever it is possible to be reconciled to the former spouse, one should not marry someone else. For Tom to just leave Susan and go marry Betty is clearly wrong. I also think that if Tom and Susan split up just because they are not getting along, it would be wrong for either one of them to remarry until it is clear that reconciliation is not going to happen. Now, of course, when one of them goes off with someone else, that brings freedom to the other partner. If Tom gets married to Betty, Susan's marriage to him is over, and she is free to remarry. So what about Tom's new marriage to Betty? Whether he ran off with her, or married her when reconciliation with Susan was possible, Tom has sinned. According to what Jesus teaches, Betty has sinned too. She married Susan's husband. They both need to confess that sin to the Lord. If they genuinely do, however, God will forgive them. I believe that God will recognize their marriage as valid. Betty is really Tom's new wife. It would be wrong for him to leave her and go back to Susan. I don't think, as some suggest, that Tom and Betty will be living in a perpetual state of adultery for the next thirty years. How they entered the marriage was wrong. They need to deal with God about that. But, the marriage they are now a part of is not necessarily wrong. I believe the Lord calls Tom to love Betty the way Christ loved the church. And He had better do a better job of that than he did with Susan. Even if Betty happens to be his fifth or sixth wife, she is still the wife that God calls him to love today.
#4) Are there reasons a divorced person should stay single, even if it's morally OK to remarry? Yes, indeed. We noted last week that Paul preferred that all unmarried people remain single, because of what he called in Verse 26 "the present crisis," which we said was probably a famine. Dr. Laura says that a divorced parent should remain single as long as the children are at home, because he or she does not have time to be dating and looking for a spouse. She also points to studies which say that children are in most cases better off with a single mom, than with a mom who marries a step-dad. On the other hand, the tradition in the Bible and through much of the last 2000 years was that a widow or widower would often remarry shortly after losing a spouse, partly so that they could have help in raising a family. I'm not sure which is best. My point would be that a divorced person should never remarry just to prove a point; only remarry if you believe it is what God is calling you to do.
So many questions. Again, if you disagree with some of what I have said, don't get mad. I am simply trying to apply what I understand the Bible teaches on this subject. I'm kind of relieved to be done with 1 Corinthians 7. This is important stuff, but it is not easy stuff to preach. Last Sunday one man told me he had been going to church for at least 45 Sundays each year for over 70 years and had never heard a sermon on 1 Corinthians 7. I know why. This is tough stuff. It is hard to put it all together in our mind, and it is hard to be willing to apply and obey what it says. But that is what the Lord is calling us to do.
I close with two thoughts. First, the church, including First Baptist Church, needs to make sure it treats those who are going through divorce, or have been divorced, with compassion. In many ways, having a spouse die can be easier than losing a spouse through divorce. Listen to what one divorced Christian woman wrote: I have lost my husband, but I am not supposed to mourn. I have lost my children; they don't know to whom they belong. I have lost my relatives; they do not approve. I have lost his relatives; they blame me. I have lost my friends; they don't know how to act. I feel I have lost my church; do they think I have sinned too much? I am afraid of the future, I am ashamed of the past, I am confused about the present. I am so alone. Friends, I'm not suggesting we lower our standards. We always need to remind folks that marriage is intended to be a "till death do us part" commitment, but we also need to remember that another one of our standards that must not be lowered is a commitment to love and help people who are hurting, even if they are partially or mostly responsible for the situation they are in. Remember, First Baptist Church is not a country club for saints, but a hospital for sinners, and divorced sinners are welcome here just like married sinners.
Secondly, when it comes to divorce, an ounce of prevention is not worth a pound of cure, but a whole ton of cure. Divorce takes a terrible toll on women, men, children, pastors and churches. I beg you, if you are married, or if you get married in the future, to do everything you can to keep those marriage vows and make that marriage work. Work at it. Don't assume that your problems could never escalate to the point of divorce. Deal with your conflicts and tensions when they are small. Communicate with each other about your concerns and frustrations. Ask the Lord to rekindle the love which is at the heart of your relationship. Seek God's help and wisdom for being the best husband or wife you can be. Go home and read Ephesians 5:22, and following verses, and strive to fulfill the responsibilities that God has given you in your marriage. Yes, when divorce occurs, we have to deal with it. By God's grace we will deal with it in a way that is consistent with what the Bible teaches and in a way that brings healing to those involved. But our goal should be to encourage strong, healthy, loving marriages, so we won't have to deal with divorce very often.
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