Even though the subject of divorce is a controversial one, and one that carries with it a great deal of emotion, it is not one on which the Bible is silent. Both the Old and New Testaments mention the subject on various occasions, but putting all the pieces together in hopes of seeing the whole picture and establishing a Biblical foundation upon which to stand, is a difficult task to say the least.
We are living in a culture that is in transition. Those things that used to be considered moral absolutes are quickly falling prey to moral relativism. Consequently, the moral foundations of this once great nation are crumbling, and crumbling with it, are the foundations of America’s homes.
At one time in our society divorce was frowned upon, and it was almost unheard of as far as Christians were concerned. Churches could afford to sweep the issue under the rug and even take somewhat of a holier-than- thou attitude because the cases that arose were so few in number. Not so today. There is hardly a home in America that has not been touched, in one way or the other, with the pains of divorce. As a matter of fact, the United States leads the world in divorce. The issue of marriage, divorce, and remarriage can no longer be swept under the rug, nor can we afford to take a holier-than-thou approach to divorcees, sending them down the road to be ministered to by somebody else.
Churches today are being forced to confront this issue, and when they do, it must be done based upon Biblical correctness, not tradition. Granted, if all divorce and remarriage was Biblically wrong in the past, it is Biblically wrong now. But the question is whether or not the traditional stance on this issue was ever Biblically correct in the first place.
In order to have a proper understanding of this very complicated, controversial, and sometimes even contentious subject, we would do well to go back to the beginning, when God performed the very first wedding and instituted the first home known to man. Christ did just that in Matthew 19:3-9.
THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE
Matthew 19:4-6a
Among the Pharisees of Jesus’ day there were two schools of thought on the issue of divorce. There was the conservative school led by Rabbi Shammai that held to the position that the only Biblical grounds for divorce was marital infidelity. The liberal school, led by Rabbi Hillel taught that a man could divorce his wife for "every cause." Those coming to Jesus in this passage were no doubt from the more liberal school of thought. It was the hope of these misguided Pharisees to try and discredit the Lord in the eyes of the people, but instead of engaging in a debate about divorce, Jesus takes the Pharisees back to the beginning when marriage was first instituted.
Genesis 2:18
The essence of marriage is companionship. Marriage was instituted because Adam was alone, and God said that was not good. Most of us have a built in need for an intimate companion to share our lives with. The primary purpose for God creating Eve was not to be Adam’s helper (although that is important as we will see) but to be his companion. In the same manner, Adam was to provide companionship for Eve as well. The idea of companionship in marriage is seen in Malachi 2:14. The essential meaning of the word "companion" is that of a "union or association." Therefore, a companion is one with whom one enters into a close union or association.
Notice the use of the words "help meet." The word "meet" means "appropriate to", "corresponding to", or "approximating at every point." In other words, God said that He was going to make Adam a helper who was appropriate to him. To be a "help meet" does not imply that the wife is inferior to the husband. It means that she is actually what makes him complete. Eve was not Adam’s "better half or bitter half", she was his other half.
Genesis 2:24-25
In these two verses, God gives us four foundational laws for marriage. Almost all divorce can be traced back to one spouse or the other, or both, failing to adhere to one of these four laws.
1. Law of Priority "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother..."
When God brought Adam and Eve together in the garden, He did so with the intent that their relationship would be more important than any other human relationship.
The word "leave" means to "loosen or relinquish." When God said that a man was to "leave" his father and mother when he married, He meant that a man was to relinquish the highest position of commitment and devotion previously given to his parents in order to give that position to his wife.
God did not put a parent and a child in the garden. Adam and Eve were husband and wife. This shows that the primary relationship is to be between a husband and wife.
Failure to abide by this law is one of the major reasons for marital trouble and divorce in America today.
2. Law of Pursuit "...and shall cleave unto his wife..."
The Hebrew word for "cleave" means "to pursue with great energy and to cling to something zealously." The secret to staying in love is work ("work" implies effort not drudgery)! Marriage only works when we work at it. One of the greatest misconceptions concerning marriage is that if we marry the right person, we’ll not have to put any effort into making the marriage relationship successful, it will just "happen."
Many couples have stopped working at their marriage and consequently their marriage has stopped working for them.
3. Law of Possession "...and they shall be one flesh..."
This law is the key to establishing trust and intimacy in a relationship. The law of possession states that "Marriage is a complete union in which all things previously owned and managed individually (separately) are now owned and managed jointly."
This becoming "one flesh" does not refer primarily to a sexual union, although that is part of it. The primary meaning of "one flesh" is to become one person. True intimacy is created when two people so intertwine their lives with one another that one cannot determine where one life ends and the other begins. God’s ideal marriage involves a husband and a wife becoming "one" intellectually, emotionally, and physically.
4. The Law of Purity "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."
In the beginning of time, God intended marriage to be a place of total nakedness; physically, emotionally and spiritually. A husband and wife ought to be able to be perfectly open, transparent and vulnerable to one another. Such was the case with Adam and Eve in the beginning. There was complete openness without fear or shame. That is, until sin came into the picture.
With the introduction of sin came shame and the need to cover up and hide. When sin enters into the marriage relationship, the sensitive areas of our lives and delicate issues in our relationships cannot be safely exposed.
THE IMPORTANCE OF MARRIAGE
Matthew 19:6b
Marriage is a spiritual matter. It is fundamentally a covenant relationship (Proverbs 2:17; Ezekiel 16:8; Malachi 2:14). In the times of the Bible, this covenant relationship began with what we refer to today as the engagement. In the Bible, the engaged persons were referred to as husband and wife (Matthew 1:18-20).
Today, that same covenant relationship is entered into when a man and a woman stand before God and vow to love, honor, and cherish one another as long as they both shall live. Although many do not take these vows as seriously as they should, that does not in any way diminish their importance. They are vows made before God, and God expects for them to be kept.
THE INTENTION OF MARRIAGE
Matthew 19:6c
In God’s original plan for marriage, there was no provision for divorce. The original intent was one man for one woman for life. As a matter of fact, Jesus said in Matthew 19:8, "from the beginning it was not so." That is, from the beginning, when God first instituted marriage, divorce was not an issue.
Then why divorce? Where did it come from? Why did it happen? The answer to these questions is simple, S-I-N. Sin is destructive, and with the rise of sin came the fall of marriage. Sin is the cause of every divorce (There is no such thing as "no fault" divorce. When it comes to divorce someone is ALWAYS at fault), but that’s not to say that every divorce is sinful.
Notice carefully the wording in the last part of verse 6. The Bible does not say, "No man can put asunder", stating that it is something that is impossible to do. It says, "let not man put asunder", which is quite different. The meaning here is that no man has the right to put asunder or dissolve that which God has instituted and ordained to be a permanent relationship between a man and a woman. It can be done, but if it is, it is done without God’s permission or approval. Man may succeed in going against a divinely instituted law, but he cannot and will not escape suffering the consequences (2 Corinthians 5:10).
THE INTERRUPTION OF MARRIAGE
Matthew 19:8-9
As we just concluded in the previous point, God never intended for divorce to happen. He didn’t want it, He didn’t will it, but it did happen. As we will see, divorce was not a command by God, but rather a concession. God never instituted divorce, He just regulated it.
I. THE LORD’S ATTITUDE TOWARD DIVORCE
God HATES divorce (Malachi 2:16a).
A. God Did Not Plan It
1. We have already seen that the Lord never intended for divorce to occur. His plan was one man for one woman for one lifetime.
2. Jesus clearly stated in His response to the Pharisees in Matthew 19 that "from the beginning it was not so." That is, from the beginning the intention was for marriage to be a permanent union between a man and a woman.
B. God Did Permit It
1. Matthew 19:7-8
a. Note the Pharisees use of the word "command" and the Lord’s use of the word "suffered."
b. Moses DID NOT command the Old Testament Jews to divorce their wives. Moses "suffered" or permitted them to do so, but notice that is was on account of the hardness of their hearts.
2. Deuteronomy 24:1-4
a. Because of man’s sin, God’s plan for marriage was not being adhered to. The purpose of these verses was simply to regulate the divorce proceedings.
b. Far from encouraging easy divorce, these instructions were designed to forestall any hasty decisions that one may regret later on. In these verses, the consequences for divorcing one’s wife frivolously were severe.
c. Note the word "uncleanness." This word DOES NOT refer to immorality. Sins of immorality were punishable by death (Deuteronomy 22), not divorce.
d. The exact meaning of the word "uncleanness" is difficult to come by. From the phrase "she find no favour in his sight" it appears that any "uncleanness" was a matter of perception.
e. If a husband decided he didn’t like the way his wife looked in the morning or cleaned the house or prepared his food, if he was going to divorce her, it was NOT going to be easy, and it WAS going to be costly.
(1) First of all, the husband had to draw up a "bill of divorcement."
(2) Secondly, he had to hand deliver it to his wife.
(3) Thirdly, the wife had to then be sent from the home.
(4) The consequence of such action on the part of the husband was that he could NEVER have her as his wife again.
f. What must be kept in mind is that although Moses spoke of the possibility of divorcing one’s wife frivolously, he did not say that to do so was permissible. The liberal Rabbis were trying to twist the words of Moses in order to make it appear that he gave his permission to divorce for "every cause."
II. A LEGITIMATE APPROACH TO DIVORCE
1 Corinthians 7
Paul addresses three groups of people in the seventh chapter of 1 Corinthians. He addresses single Christians, married Christians, and Christians married to non-Christians.
Notice Paul’s words in verses 10a and 12a. Some have tried to use these verses to claim that part of what Paul is teaching here is merely his opinion and is non-binding, but that simply is not the case. In verse 10, in effect what Paul is saying is that he is re-stating what other Scriptures have already set forth. In verse 12, Paul begins to speak to an issue, that up to this point, had not been addressed, that is, Christians being married to non-Christians. However, this is not merely his opinion. These words of Paul are every bit as inspired as the rest. Paul states as much in 1 Corinthians 7:40.
A. The Exact Command vs. 10-11
1. These words are not mere suggestions or simply good advice, they are exactly as Paul said. They are a "command."
2. Simply put, neither the Christian husband nor the Christian wife may divorce their spouse for any reason other than that indicated by the Lord Jesus Himself. No allowance is given for divorce due to incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, neglect of marital duties, loss of love, financial concerns, etc. While lawyers may recognize these as legitimate grounds for divorce, God doesn’t.
3. Some have taken the "exception clause" given by the Lord and have made it much broader than what He ever intended for it to be.
4. Paul states further, that should the wife (it is presumed that it holds true for the husband as well) ignore the teaching set forth in the Scriptures and divorce her husband without Biblical grounds, she only has two options Scripturally. She can remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband.
NOTE: Some believe that Paul is speaking here of "separation" and not divorce. That cannot be the case because the wife who "departs" from her husband is told to remain "unmarried." To "remain" unmarried one must be "unmarried" to begin with.
5. What Paul is after here is reconciliation. Having both the Spirit and the Word, believers have what is necessary to put a failed marriage back together.
B. The Exceptional (not the norm) Couple vs. 12-13
1. Again, Paul is not offering mere opinion here. He is saying that God hasn’t given previous revelation on this specific subject, and now he is doing so as an apostle of the Lord.
2. The group to which Paul is now speaking, finds themselves in a situation that is different from those mentioned in verses 10 & 11. With the spread of the gospel came a peculiar situation. Evidently, there were some marriages in which one spouse or the other responded to the gospel and was converted, while the other spouse remained lost (Paul is not talking here about Christians who choose to marry non-Christians. Paul is very clear that a believer is not to marry an unbeliever. Consider 2 Corinthians 6:14).
3. These new converts began to ask some questions, and Paul took the time to address the issue. The questions no doubt ran along the lines of "Now that I’m saved and married to an unsaved person, do I have the right to divorce him or her and then either remain single and serve the Lord or remarry a Christian?"
4. Keep in mind that Paul had just taught them in chapter 6 that their bodies were members of Christ, and they were sanctuaries of the Holy Spirit. Some may have thought, based upon that teaching, that remaining married to an unbeliever would constitute a union that would be defiling to the believer.
5. Granted, there are some difficulties that arise when one spouse turns to Christ and is saved and the other doesn’t. Sometimes it becomes very complicated, discouraging, and frustrating for both parties.
6. Some new converts have become very annoying to their spouse with their new found, and sometimes impatient, zeal. At other times the unbelieving spouse treats the Christian unfairly and ungraciously.
7. In cases where there now exists an unequal yoke, a believer with a non-believer, Paul says that as long as the unbelieving spouse is willing to remain in the marriage, the believer IS NOT to seek a divorce.
8. The reason for Paul’s counsel is found in verse 14. There is now a wonderful new spiritual dynamic at work in the relationship. The Christian’s presence in that relationship can be (that does not mean that it will always be) life-changing for both their spouse and their children (1 Peter 3:1-2).
9. In these verses, Paul also speaks of the possibility of an unbelieving spouse not wanting to stay in the relationship. In such cases, he says to let the unbelieving depart. Note here that the divorce must be initiated by the unbeliever, not the believer.
10. Paul adds that in such cases, the Christian spouse is "not under bondage", meaning that the marriage has ended and that remarriage is permitted.
C. The Exception Clause
1. Matthew 5:32, 19:9
2. The ONLY Biblical grounds that a spouse has on which to seek a divorce is "fornication."
3. The controversy surrounding this "exception clause" deals with the definition of the word "fornication." There are some who hold to the position that "fornication" is sexual immorality between unmarried persons and "adultery" is sexual immorality involving at least one individual who is married.
4. The Greek word used for "fornication" is the word porneia, the word from which we get our English word "pornography." The word porneia is inclusive of all acts of sexual immorality, whether they be committed by married or single persons. To be sure this is the case, consider the following Scriptures and the acts of immorality that were called "fornication."
a. 1 Corinthians 5:1 - Incest - Involves a married person
b. 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 - In order for married persons to avoid "fornication" they are to meet one another’s physical needs.
c. Jude 7 - Homosexuality
5. It is clear from Scripture that the word "fornication" involves more than sexual immorality between unmarried individuals. "Fornication" is all inclusive and involves sexual immorality of all kinds, including adultery.
6. Adultery is exclusive. Adultery is the act of sexual immorality which includes at least one married person.
7. While divorce is permissible on the grounds of sexual immorality, it IS NOT required. Nowhere in Scripture are we told that a person MUST seek a divorce if their spouse in found out to be unfaithful. Divorce in this case should only be considered as a last resort. When all other efforts to right the relationship have failed, then and only then, may a divorce be sought.
III. LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
Is there life after divorce? Is it permissible to remarry once a divorce has taken place? What happens to those who divorce and remarry unscripturally? These and other questions arise when it comes to the issue of divorce, and especially as it pertains to the question of remarriage. Although the issue of divorce is very delicate and highly emotional, the issue of remarriage is even more so.
An honest look at the Word of God makes it difficult to say that all remarriage is sinful. As a matter of fact, in some cases remarriage is strongly encouraged. Consider Paul’s teaching in Romans 7:2-3; 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, 39; 1 Timothy 5:14 (The context of Paul’s words here is dealing with widows. There is reason to believe that when he mentions "the younger women" he is referring to the younger widow women.)
A. Remaing Single
1. 1 Corinthians 7:7-8
2. There is some diagreement as to what Paul meant when he said "For I would that all men were even as I myself." Did Paul mean that he had never been married and that it is best if people remain unmarried? Or had Paul been married at some point in his life and for some reason, unbeknownst to us, is now single? The Scriptures indicate that at some point Paul had been married because marriage was a requirement of those in the Sanhedrin of which Paul was a part.
3. Paul states in verse 7 that the ability to remain single is a "gift of God." Some, such as Paul had been "gifted" with the ability to remain single, some had not. Consider verse 9.
4. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11
5. The words of Paul here are clear as to the options of those who have divorced unscripturally. They are to either remain single or be reconciled to their spouse. There are no exceptions to what Paul states here. To remarry in such cases would be a blatant violation of Scripture.
B. Remarrying Scripturally
1. Matthew 5:32, 19:9
2. Any marriage involving an unscripturally divorced person is a sinful marriage.
3. 1 Corinthians 7:25-29
4. The gist of what Paul is saying here is that it is best, because of the "present distress", for virgins, that is for unmarried men and women, to remain as such. It is unclear what the "present distress" is that Paul referred to. Taking into account when this letter was written, it is probable that the "present distress" was the persecution against Christians that was going on at the hand of Nero. Regardless, Paul states that it would be best to remain single. However, if one was already married, they were not to seek a divorce, and if they were divorced, though it would be easier on them to stay single because of the "present distress", if they did choose to remarry, it would not be considered a sin. It is to be understood that the divorce was according to Scripture.
5. There seems to be three instances in the Scriptures in which a person may remarry Scripturally.
a. A person may remarry Scripturally as the result of the death of a spouse.
b. A person may remarry Scripturally as the result of their spouse committing an act of fornication.
c. A person may remarry Scripturally as the result of their unbelieving spouse initiating the divorce proceedings.
C. Rendering Service
1. It is to be clearly and unmistakably understood that wrongful divorce and remarriage, while it is said to constitute adultery, is not an unpardonable or unforgivable sin.
2. It is to be clearly and unmistakably understood that wrongful divorce and remarriage, while it is said to constitute adultery, if confessed as sin, will be forgiven and forgotten as will any other sin that is confessed as such.
3. John 8:2-11
4. To say that God cannot forgive the sin of wrongful divorce and remarriage is preposterous. The only sin that God cannot and will not forgive is the sin of unbelief.
5. Divorcees are not second class citizens nor are they second class church members. There is a place in the work of the Lord for those who have experienced the tragedy of divorce. The Scriptures preclude divorcees from being pastors or deacons, but other than that they are to be very much a part of the work of the Lord.
D. Resulting Sorrow
1. Everyone loses when it comes to divorce, especially the children. There are no winners. Because every divorce is the result of sin, that means that there is going to be sorrow involved.
2. There’s sorrow because of the emotional pain that is associated with divorce. There’s sorrow because of the financial hardships that result from divorce. There’s sorrow that arises from such things as custody battles, child support, etc.
3. God knew what He was doing when He originally designed marriage to be one man with one woman for one lifetime. Sticking with God’s design will save a lot of heartache and heartbreak.
