THE DOCTRINAL
TRUTH ABOUT DIVORCE
© 2000 by Mark Beaird
Text: Matthew 19:3-
A woman came to a lawyer and said, "I want to get a divorce. I really hate my husband, and I want to hurt him. Give me some advice." In addition to wanting to get the gold and give him the shaft, she was wondering about some other way that she might do him in.
The attorney said, "Look, you’re going to divorce the guy anyway, so for three months don’t criticize him. Speak only well of him. Build him up. Every time he does something nice, commend him for it. Tell him what a great guy he is, and do that for three months. After he thinks that he has your confidence and love, hit him with the news and it will hurt more."
The woman thought, "I can’t go wrong on this. I’m divorcing the guy anyway. Why should I speak badly about him anymore? I’m going to speak only well of him."
So, she complimented her husband for everything he did. For three months she told him what a great man he was. You know what happened to that relationship? After three months, they forgot about the divorce and went on a second honeymoon.
-- Erwin Lutzer, "Learning to Love," Preaching Today, Tape No. 99.
Wouldn’t it be nice if that were the ending to everyone’s story? But it’s not. And that’s why we have to deal with divorce and remarriage.
The question of divorce and subsequent remarriage of an individual is a difficult one to deal with. The situation we have here in out text is not merely one which presents a discussion about divorce. It is a passage that must be dealt with in light of many factors. First of all, the Pharisees were not interested in truth, but only in trapping Jesus. Second, their question was all about how a man could legally get rid of his wife—there’s no mention of a man’s infidelity. Third, Jesus was not only addressing a culture that supported rampant divorce but justified itself with religious beliefs.
“The setting of the divorce question in this pericope is different from 5:31-32. There divorce is set in a discourse that gives the norms of the kingdom and the sanctity of marriage; here it is set in a theological disputation that raises the question of what divorces are allowed.”
Before we get into the questions and answers concerning divorce; let me first address a point that is very important.
I. HOW CAN DIVORCE BE PREVENTED?
A. Christians and non-Christians should never marry.
2 Corinthians 6:14-15, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” (NIV)
This is not a commandment to divorce an unbelieving spouse. In fact, Paul encourages one who is married to an unbelieving spouse to continue with them as long as possible (1 Corinthians 7:12-16).”
However, a believer has no business entering into a marriage with an unbeliever. And an unbeliever and a believer will never be able to build a home based on faith in God—it just can’t be done. This is a very important point!
Even the 1993 government based National Commission on America’s Urban Families stated that, “Recent research shows that families that maintain an active religious life tend to have lower divorce rates than those who do not participate in religious worship together.”
In addition, in 1994 a study by Howard Weinburg “found that shared religion has the strongest effect on the likelihood that couples will be able to overcome a period of separation and achieve a successful reconciliation.” (Kornblum, 484)
B. One should look for the right qualities in a mate—not just for physical attractiveness.
What are the qualities of a good mate? Here are a few to consider; he or she should be:
Of similar faith
Realistic about marriage
Forgiving in nature
Encouraging to you and to others
Warm, loving and reasonable
Flexible, supportive and committed
Willing to accept guidance
C. There should never be any kind of abuse in a marriage or prior to a marriage.
Abuse comes in various forms: physical, mental, verbal and even the abuse of trust. Let me be clear. It is my opinion that no one should ever marry a person who abuses him or her—in any form—prior to marriage.
D. A couple must spend time with one another on a regular basis—alone!
Too often couples fail to spend time together, fail to talk to each other and overall just fail to cultivate their relationship and then wonder why they seem to have drifted apart.
“But my job,” some would say. “But the children,” others would say. I say jobs are necessary, but they are replaceable. The love of your life is not replaceable! The children need attention—so does your spouse. They will grow up one day and leave the house—hopefully. But you’ve made a lifetime commitment to that person you married. Cultivate that relationship or you’ll be living with a stranger when the kids are gone or maybe by yourself.
II. WHAT ARE THE LEGITIAMTE GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?
A. Infidelity is the primary grounds for divorce.
The divorce that Moses permitted in Deuteronomy 24 actually severed the original marriage relationship. God permitted the woman to marry again, and her second marriage was not considered adulterous. The second man she married was called a “husband” and not an adulterer.
This means that scriptural divorce does sever the marriage relationship. Man cannot break this relationship by his laws, but God can break it. The same God who gives the laws that join people together can also give laws to put them asunder. God can do it, but man cannot.
Finally, Jesus made it clear that this Mosaic Law of divorce was a concession on God’s part. God’s original law of marriage left no room for divorce, but that law was laid down before man had sinned. Rather than have two people living together in constant conflict, with one or both of them seeking fulfillment elsewhere and thus commit sin, God permitted divorce. This divorce included the right to remarriage. The Pharisees did not ask about remarriage, for this was no problem. They accepted the fact that the parties would seek other mates, and this was allowed by Moses. (Wiersbe)
B. Abuse and abandonment are grounds for divorce.
It is certainly reasonable to believe that, even if not specifically stated, God does not intend for a person to stay in a marriage where his or her life, health or children is in danger. In addition, for a person who has been abandoned by his or her mate, there is certainly no alternative to divorce.
Look at I Corinthians 7:15. Paul writes, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.” (NIV)
“When a believer is abandoned by an unbeliever, that believer is ‘not under bondage;’ the bond of that marriage has been broken, freeing the believer to pursue marriage.” (Swindoll, 84)
One commentator had this to say about the spouse who breaks the marriage bond by deserting the other, “Desertion is exactly like adultery in its effect. Both break the marriage tie…The essence of marriage is union. When this is disrupted, the union which God intended to be a permanent one is destroyed….The deserted spouse can no longer continue in a marriage, for none exist.” (Lenski, 295)
C. “Falling out of love,” deciding that one is attracted to someone else etc., are not grounds for a divorce.
Life isn’t perfect, neither is marriage. We have to work through both at times just to keep going. Marriage is a very serious commitment!
Billy Graham has some insight on this subject. He writes in his book Just As I Am, “Ruth and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have a great one. How can I say two things that seem so contradictory? In a perfect marriage, everything is always the finest and best imaginable; like a Greek statue, the proportions are exact and the finish is unblemished. Who knows any human beings like that? For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic. The unblemished ideal exists only in happily-ever-after fairy tales. Ruth likes to say, "If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary." The sooner we accept that as a fact of life, the better we will be able to adjust to each other and enjoy togetherness. "Happily incompatible" is a good adjustment.”
Notice the relaxed attitude toward the topic that the Pharisees demonstrated. In Matthew 19:3 they asked Jesus, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" (NIV)
Jesus answered them by saying, “Listen to what God said. He said, ‘Marriage is for one man and one woman, it is a strong bond, it is one flesh, and I am the One that makes marriages. So if you tear them apart, you’re destroying what I made and placing yourself into a very, very serious position.” (MacArthur, 14)
One commentator writes, “Any view of divorce and remarriage (taught in either Testament) that sees the problem only in terms of what may or may not be done has already overlooked a basic fact—divorce is never to be thought of as a God-ordained, morally neutral option but as evidence of sin, of hardness of heart. The fundamental attitude of the Pharisees to the question was wrong.” (EBC)
When we get down to the heart of the matter it really doesn’t matter what anybody thinks, it’s what God said that counts.
III. WHAT ABOUT REMARRIAGE?
A. First of all remember, marriage is not a cure all for life’s problems nor is it necessary for everyone (vv. 11-12).
“In Matthew 19:12, Jesus made it clear that each man (and woman) must consider God’s will concerning marriage. Some people should not get married because of physical or emotional problems from birth. Others should not get married because of their responsibilities in society; they have been “made eunuchs by man.” An only child who must care for aged parents might be an example of this category. Some, like the Apostle Paul, stay single that they might better serve the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:7).” (Wiersbe)
Simply put, everyone doesn’t have to remarry. Secondly, if someone is under the impression that they will never be happy until they find someone to marry; there are possibly deeper issues that need to be addressed in that person’s life. If they are not happy on his or her own what makes them think that a particular person can make them happy?
B. Divorce does not end all hope of having a godly marriage.
Notice what 2 Corinthians 5:16 & 17 has to say, “So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (NIV)
When a person receives Christ as his/her personal Savior that person is a new creature—the past is where it belongs—in the past! If a person has remarried prior to salvation or after salvation he/she needs to go forward with God.
If a person has been permitted by the Word of God to divorce and remarry, leave the past behind and make sure the next marriage is a godly marriage.
CONCLUSION
The problem seems to be that many people today do not know the difference between love and romance. I read the story of a man who knew the difference and it showed at the time of his wife’s death.
The story is told of “a particular gentleman in the ministry who had been married for nearly fifty years…One morning this man and his wife were eating breakfast as they had done for years and years. She ate her breakfast and then fell over onto the table. Immediately scooping up her body, he ran out the door, put her delicately into the car, and then sped to the hospital. By the time he got there she was dead. Well, you have to be with somebody that you love for nearly fifty years to understand the emptiness that he felt. He knew, of course, that she was with the Lord Jesus Christ, which is where his devotion was.
After the memorial service had taken place at the graveside, the man and his sons got into their car and started home. Suddenly, the man said, “Stop! I have to go back.” Stopping the car, his son said, “Look, Dad, we don’t want you to go back. It’s too much for you. You don’t need anymore sorrow. We need to just go on.” But the man said, “No I have to go back—I have to go back.”
Unable to argue him out of going back, they turned around and took him back to the grave. When they got there, he went out to the grave, knelt down and patted it, and then stood there for a few moments. Returning to the car, he said, “Now it’s all right, we can go.” On the way home he said to his sons, “This is a good day—a wonderful day. This is just the way I wanted it to be.” “What do you mean?” his sons asked. “Oh,” he said, “I always wanted her to go first—always. So, this is a good day.” (MacArthur, 57)
It’s been said that when a couple really love each other they always want the other to go first so that their companion will not have to endure the hardship, loneliness and heartbreak of being left behind. Romance knows nothing of that kind of love.
God wants you and I to have that kind of love in our lives and He can make it possible.
References
Lenski, R. C. H. (1961). The interpretation of St. Paul’s first and second epistles to the Corinthians. Minneapolis, MINN: Augsburg Pub.
Kholenburger Expositor’s Bible commentary.
Kornblum, William (1997). Sociology in a changing world, 4th edition. Harcourt Brace & Company
MacArthur, John Jr. (1985). On divorce. Chicago, ILL: Moody Press.
Swindoll, Charles R. (1991). Christ at the crossroads.
