“HEAVEN’S HELP FOR THE HOME” (Part 1 of 3)
Colossians 3:18-19
INTRODUCTION
A fellow arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, he suggested, “Let’s play gin rummy. If I win, you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see her again. Okay?”
“Okay,” agreed the husband. “But how about a penny a point to make it interesting?” (#267)
Something is radically wrong with homes today. The family is under fire and home life is disintegrating. Year by year the stress put on marriages grows greater. In 1870 there was one divorce for every 34 marriages. By 1900 it was one in five, and by 1950 it was one in three. In the past few years there has been virtually one divorce for every two marriages. (#224)
You know the statistics. Thirty-eight percent of all first marriages fail. Seventy-nine percent of those whose first marriages fail will remarry and forty-four percent of the second marriages will fail as well. Thirty percent of all American couples will experience some form of domestic violence during their lifetimes.
Twenty percent of all officers killed in the line of duty are killed while answering calls involving family fights.
Approximately twelve to fifteen million wives are battered each year. The negative facts and figures of marriage paint a very grim picture indeed. (#413) According to recent research, over 50 percent of married women will be unfaithful at least once, and over 70 percent of married men. (#283)
The U.S. Census Bureau tells us that one in every four American families with children under 18 is a one-parent family. That was 26 percent in 1985, compared to 13 percent in 1970. A woman heads nine of every ten single-parent families. (#423)
The very first institution God founded upon this earth was the home. (Gen 2:18-25; Mt. 19:1-6) As goes the home, so go society and the nation. Paul told Timothy that “in the latter days” there would be the breakdown of the home and family life. (2 Tim 3:1-5)
Centuries ago Confucius said, “The strength of a nation is derived from the integrity of its homes.” One of the greatest things we can do as individuals is help to build godly, Christian homes.
God is for the family. Even as He created various physical and natural laws by which the universe functions, so He, when He created the home, gave certain guidelines by which the home and family can best function.
In Colossians 3, Paul is very practical as he deals with the everyday relationships of our life.
Faith in Christ not only changes and transforms individuals, God also wants to transform homes and families.
People are problems for all of us, and the people closest to us, our mates and children, may cause the greatest problems of all. Here Paul tells us how we can develop and build these relationships so that our homes may be all that God intended them to be. In these verses we find the Creator’s guidelines for husbands, wives, children and parents. Today we want to focus on God’s design for husbands and wives.
To best understand Paul’s instructions, we must first get a clear understanding of …
I. THE BACKGROUND AND HISTORICAL SITUATION.
The Christian ethic is an ethic of reciprocal obligation. It is never an ethic on which all the duties are on one side. As Paul saw it, husbands have as great an obligation as wives. This was an entirely new thing.
Under Jewish law a woman was a thing, the possession of her husband, just as much as his house or his flocks or his material goods. She had no legal rights whatsoever. For instance, under Jewish law, a husband could divorce his wife for any cause, while a wife had no rights whatsoever in the initiation of the divorce.
The only grounds on which a divorce might be awarded her were if her husband developed leprosy, became an apostate or ravished a virgin.
In Greek society a respectable woman lived a life of entire seclusion. She never appeared on the streets alone, not even to go marketing. She lived in the women’s apartments and did not join her men-folk, even for meals. From her there was demanded complete servitude and chastity; but her husband could go out as much as he chose and could enter into as many relationships outside marriage as he liked without incurring any stigma. Under both Jewish and Greek laws and customs all the privileges belonged to the husband and all the duties to the wife. (Barclay 160-61)
Christian teaching changed all of that. Jesus liberated the first-century woman and elevated her to a new status of position and privilege in society.
Paul opens with …
II. GOD’S GUIDELINES FOR MARRIAGE.
It’s obvious that God views marriage as a partnership.
He begins with …
A. THE DUTIES OF WIVES …
in Colossians 3:18: “Wives submit yourselves to your husbands, as it is fitting in the Lord.”
Wives are probably addressed first because of their liberation by Christian teaching. Jesus and His apostles gave women a completely new status in society and in the family. They must be careful not to abuse this new position, so he speaks to them first.
1. THE MESSAGE IS: “CONTINUALLY BE SUBMISSIVE TO YOUR HUSBANDS.”
There is probably no Biblical teaching more verbally and practically abused than this of the wife’s submission to her husband. This is the favorite verse of many tyrannical husbands. It’s so important for us to understand what God means if we’re to do it.
Frequently in the wedding service we have the ceremony of lighting the unity candle by the bride and groom. The couple each takes a small burning candle, representing their solitary life thus far, and together they light the large, center, wedding candle. When they put their small candles back into their holders, they can either extinguish them, or leave them burning to represent their unique personalities.
During the wedding it is interesting to see whether they leave the individual candles aglow or put them out. At a recent wedding, the bride and groom put the individual candles back into their holders with the flames burning.
Then the bride, with an impish gleam in her eye, bent over and blew out her husband’s candle. The congregation burst into laughter. Later, one fellow commented: “During the marriage ceremony two become one --- on the honeymoon they discover which one.” (Par. 5/83 pg. 5)
The concept of submission is found often in Scripture. It does not mean slavery, subjugation, or inferiority. The Greek word for submission was a military word meaning to “arrange one’s self under a delegated authority,” as a private under a sergeant, who is under a lieutenant and so on.
There is no idea of superiority or inferiority implied in the word. Any of you who have been in the military understand that. The sergeant may be physically stronger, intellectually superior and morally better than his CO, but still he is to submit. Without a chain of command the army couldn’t run effectively (it is bad enough as it is, but it would be far more chaotic without a chain of command.)
In the Godhead, all three persons are God, but since each person of the Godhead has a different role --- even there there is a chain of authority. We are told that Jesus submitted to His Father, yet He was not inferior.
Paul tells us, “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.” (1 Cor. 11:3) God does all things “decently and in order.” (1 Cor. 14:40)
The arrangement projected there is the divine chain for family and church order, so that it might run most efficiently and effectively. Undoubtedly women are generally superior to men in many things and his equal in others. Only in physical strength are they generally inferior, but God’s sovereign decree has placed the man in the position of ultimate responsibility.
Even the man’s “headship” does not speak so much of his authority, as it does of his privilege of taking the lead in loving and caring for woman. Just as Christ lifts us up to stand beside Him, so the man is not to keep woman “under his thumb” but is to lift her up beside him, granting her honor, protection, and provision under God’s reign.
And please note, the husband is never told, “make your wife submissive, beat her into subjection.” Submission is the wife’s responsibility, not the husband’s. The command is given to the wife, and each person is responsible to initiate the action commanded of him or her. If a man has an unsubmissive wife it is not his duty to make her submit. That’s between her and God.
The husband’s duty -- as we’ll see in a moment -- is to love her like Christ loved the church. And I rather suspect that if we husbands tended to our own duty of love, the wife’s submissiveness wouldn’t be a problem.
The apostle does not at all mean to infer that the wife is inferior, but that she was created for a different role or purpose in family life. The apostle’s word to wives is not a delegation to a lesser position. Actually I believe it’s an elevation. Submissiveness is a necessary basis of any great marriage.
I believe that God has given women a very special gift to model the power of victory through submission, but it is no less the responsibility of the husband. In Ephesians Paul commands both husbands and wives, “continually be submissive to one another in love.” (Eph 5:20-21) Bristled individualism and aggressive independence must give way to mutual submission.
The battle for control (for who’s in charge) frustrates and troubles many marriages. It leads us away from the central issue. Christ is the head of a Christian marriage. And Christian love is the environment in which a marriage is built.
When the question of control is raised it’s obvious that real love is lacking, for the basic ingredient of Christian love is the sacrifice of self-will and the putting of another’s needs above our own.
If there is any disagreement in a Christian relationship it should be over who can “give in” the most, not who is in control.
One lady defined a perfect husband as one who cooperates with his wife’s efforts to improve him -- and the opposite would hold true as well. When a husband and wife have both submitted to Christ’s Lordship they can be submissive to receive His wisdom and guidance through each other. The husband is not the only one who has access to the Lord in prayer and the Word.
Submission is not “giving in” to the conquering force of another. It is the willing commitment to receive openly what the other has to offer. We become creatively submissive in marriage when we are open to listen, free to give ourselves to another’s need, and sensitive and receptive to their values and vision. Two heads are not better than one, unless both have been made one through Christ as the head of the home.
A man called the Social Security office and requested an estimate of his benefits upon retirement. After getting the information, he inquired about his wife’s benefits. He was asked if she had ever worked. “She has worked all her life making me happy,” he replied.
That was nice. But had she ever worked under Social Security?
“No,” he said. “We made an agreement when we got married, I would make the living and she would make the living worthwhile.” (#228) That’s a good illustration of the mutual submission and respect that God desires.
Of course, any unit of society needs a leader. When Christ is the acknowledged leader of the marriage, then the husband can become a sensitive leader in his own home. But any creative leader learns the secret that people can only support what they share in developing. He will listen to those he leads and allow them to shape the strategy for accomplishing agreed upon goals.
Leadership in the marriage is not a solo flight to the Lord for direction and back again with heavy-handed authority. A submissive wife’s slogan is not “whatever you say, dear,” as if the Lord never said anything to her.
God commanded Abraham to listen to his wife’s advice. (Gen. 21:12) Many times Karen’s wise counsel has kept me from making a wrong decision and not listening to her has gotten me into trouble. But I’m not henpecked --- she told me I wasn’t.
Seriously though, submission carries the idea of entrusting oneself to the leadership of another to accomplish a task. When both husband and wife submit to seek the mind of Christ together, He will guide their decisions together.
Their wills will be one to discover and do the will of the Lord.
Paul’s message to the wife is: be submissive. Next, he gives …
2. THE MOTIVE FOR THE WIFE’S SUBMISSION.
It is seen in the words “as is fitting in the Lord.” One modern translation says, “This is what the Lord has planned for you.”
God’s design for submission is not a temporary or recent invention; it has always been God’s plan. Adam and Eve were created equal, yet God placed Eve in submission to Adam. This is not to say that the wife always finds the sacrificial giving of herself to be congenial or fun, but, since it is fitting in God’s design, it will be a mirror of her commitment to the Lord.
In verse 19 Paul turns to …
B. THE DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND.
“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them.” (Col. 3:19)
The parallel is in Ephesians 5: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.” (vs. 25-28)
1. THE MESSAGE TO HUSBANDS IS TO LOVE THEIR WIFE AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.
Throughout Scripture God says more about the quality of the husband’s leadership than He does about the wife’s submission. I believe that more responsibility for a godly marriage is laid upon the husband, and that poor marriages are usually more from the husband’s inability to love his wife than from the wife’s refusal to be submissive.
Marriage is a picture of the church (Christ’s bride) and her relationship with Christ, her husband. (Eph 5:20-32) Clearly, Christ is the initiator of that relationship, and our submission to Him is a response to His self-sacrificing love for us. “We love Him because He first loved us.” (1 Jn 4:19)
I’ve never talked to a woman who would not be willing to be led by a husband who loved her like Christ loves the church. That puts the monkey on our backs, fellows. We’ve got to learn to be more loving, more sensitive, and more concerned about our wife’s needs. I recently read a story that pictures the typical husband.
It’s the story of the businessman whose wife was experiencing depression. She began to mope around and be sad, lifeless, no light in her eyes, no spring in her step, joyless. It became so bad that this “man of the world” did what any sophisticated person would do.
He made an appointment with a psychiatrist. On the appointed day, they went to the psychiatrist’s office, sat down with him and began to talk. It wasn’t long before the wise doctor realized what the problem was.
So without saying a word, he simply stood, walked over in front of the woman’s chair, signaled her to stand, took her by the hands, looked at her in the eyes for a long time, then gathered her into his arms and gave her a big, warm hug.
You could see the change come over the woman. Her face softened, her eyes lit up. She immediately relaxed. Her whole face glowed. Stepping back, the doctor said to the husband, “See, that’s all she needs.” With that, the man said, “Okay, I’ll bring her in Tuesday and Thursday each week, but I have to play golf on the other afternoons.” (#263)
“Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” Perfect love controls and transforms all exercise of authority. If a husband loves his wife with agape love, the unselfish, sacrificing, undying, unmerited love that Christ has for us, tyranny, unkindness, selfishness, and cruelty cannot exist. It removes from submission everything the wife might find distasteful and difficult.
It actually places the husband in a position of true submission for he is compelled by love to fulfill every claim that the wife might make upon him for support, sympathy, protection and happiness. He will truly put her welfare above his own. He will respond to her and provide for her voluntarily --because he is driven by love.
In the book, “We First Have Coffee,” Margaret Jensen remembers a normal day in her childhood:
“At 6 am Papa called me, and I dressed quickly in the cold room. Papa was quietly reading his Bible, rocking gently in the big rocker by the stove. On the table was a cup of hot cocoa and six slices of hot buttered toast. He kept reading. No one disturbed Papa.
At 6:45 am I left for school, for class began at 7:30, and I had three miles to walk. Papa’s words were, “Ya, Margaret, study hard and button your coat good.” I answered a polite, “Thanks for the food,” kissed him on the cheek and left to meet my girlfriend, who had made her own breakfast and eaten it alone. We carried our books and a bag lunch. I had four slices of rye bread and cheese. We drank from the water fountain, but on Friday I had five cents for a Hershey bar. Life was good. Years passed before I realized that Papa had communicated his love in his own way --- a warm kitchen, toast and cocoa, giving Mama an extra hour of sleep before the younger children had to get up.
I wish I had said more than “Thanks for the food.” Some day, I will.” (Moral of Story 12/95 p. 1)
“Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the Church.” “If you treat her like a thoroughbred, you’ll never end up with a nag.” When humorist Erma Bombeck was asked to name the one personal possession that she considered most worth having, she replied, “I would have to say my wedding ring. For years it has done it’s job … it has reminded me everyday of the last 30 years that I have someone who loves me. (S.S. 608)
Does your wife know that you love her? It’s easy to say, “I love you” --- and we should. But love goes beyond words to our deeds, so Paul explains in the last phrase of verse 19 …
2. WHAT THIS LOVE MEANS AND HOW IT IS MANIFESTED …
when he says “and do not be embittered against your wife.” The word “bitter” means “harsh, unfeeling, insensitive, and irritable.” It is so easy for us to destroy human relationships, even with those nearest and dearest to us. Paul warns us: “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble.” (Heb 12:15)
In 1 Corinthians 13 Paul clearly tells us how love manifests itself:
“Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered.” (1 Cor 13:4-5) You’ll notice that, in this description of love, God uses words that are ACTIONS, not feelings. Biblical love is a verb and deals with the way you treat another person. This is not to say that there are no feelings involved in true love but we are not to wait on feelings before we express love. Too many excuse themselves from loving their mate because the feelings are gone. But God tells us to love them anyway, regardless of how we feel. Treat your wife and husband with love. Be patient, kind, caring, forgiving, unselfish. Act with love – and the feelings will usually follow.
Men, if we would commit ourselves to loving our wives, really loving them, like Christ loves the church, we would go a long way toward building the kind of marriage that God wants. Marriage is a partnership of shared responsibility, mutual submission and respect, and the willingness to give ourselves to one another in love.
It is a relationship that is entered into not merely for the convenience of the husband, but in order that both husband and wife may find a new joy and completeness in each other. Any marriage in which everything is done for the convenience of one of the partners, and the other exists simply to gratify the needs and desires of the first, is not a Christian marriage.
A group of construction workers were discussing the TV programs they had watched the previous evening. One man mentioned his remote control device, which he used to change channels from his easy chair. Another man spoke up, “That is one luxury I can get along without. It’ll be a sad day when I get so lazy that I can’t tell my wife to get up and change the channel.” Such a low view of women is both Biblically and morally wrong.
The greatest assault of Satan in our time is coming upon the Christian home. Many who have contemplated divorce, or who have fractured their families, are respected people in the community, successful and morally upright. Even church leaders and members are not immune. The destruction is devastating to God’s design.
“’It’s just not there anymore,’ he told her. ‘Oh, I loved you once, but all we do is fight. The kids will be okay, better off really. They can come on weekends and stay two months in the summer. Yes, I’ll support you, you can count on that. Keep the house, all I want is the car. No, there’s no one else, what kind of person do you think I am?’
He knew he was lying, and she thought so. With his blunt assurances he sought to ennoble lust and dignify his base profligacy. It was just that, you know, but he wouldn’t find it out till much too late. And when that young and supple flesh became common fare, his lust would wane and barbs of truth set in.
The door was closed on many things that day. For he did not leave just a wife, you see. It wasn’t okay with the kids. And they weren’t better off. They did not endorse his leaving them, neither did his God. Snatches of fatherhood in company with a stranger could not salve his guilt or serve to satisfy their need. When it’s over and done with, both of them gone from the earthly scene, where will the kids take theirs to remember?
There is no family place with granite markers side by side. There is no family. Lust saw to that years before. So her remains rest here, while his are far away, placed beside another, or maybe just alone.”
If we will follow God’s guidelines, we won’t become one of the statistics. The University of Virginia recently released a report of a nationwide survey indicating that husbands and wives who considered themselves “very religious” were 42% less likely to divorce than the average American couple. Someone: “Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one is leaving about three things a day unsaid.”
A happy marriage does not come automatically, it must be worked at. We are all naturally self-centered. One woman complained to her marriage counselor about her husband: “When he won a trip for two to Hawaii, he went twice!”
Christian husbands must love their wives. Christian wives must submit to their husbands. Each must quit thinking of themselves and do what God has told them to do. Each must constantly surrender their rights, their expectations, and their own desires to submit to one another in love.
The things that bring couples together are rarely the things that hold them together as relationships mature, according to Yale psychologist Robert Sternberg. While passion is the first to flower, it is also the first to fade. Intimacy and commitment are slower to develop but matter far more in making a marriage last, Sternberg says.
“You have to work constantly at rejuvenating a relationship,” Sternberg explains. “You can’t just count on it being okay, or it will tend toward a hollow commitment … people need to put the kind of energy into it that they put into their career.” (#267)
If the church is to have the impact upon the world and society that God wants us to have, there must be a recommitment of Christian homes and marriages to what God wants them to be. Perhaps you need to make that recommitment to your wife or husband today. Perhaps you need to begin by making or renewing your commitment to Christ as Lord of your life.
