Relationships in the Kingdom – Part 2
April 29, 2001
INTRODUCTION
On Sunday nights, Kim and I have a ritual. My day usually comes to an end around 8:30 p.m. getting me home in time to watch our one regular TV program, the law drama known as “The Practice,” which comes on at 9:00. I settle into my chair with feet propped up on the ottoman. Kim takes her place on the sofa - an hour of wind down time is ready to begin. We’ve come to really enjoy this evening together. Invariably a commercial break roughly halfway into the program hails the latest product from a regular advertiser. The screen pans the curves of a shapely woman’s body, and the familiar seductive voice bears these glad tidings… “Victoria’s Secret presents a new line of lingerie for the spring season…”
Kim turns her head from the television and says, “OK. You need to look at ME now. So how was small group tonight? What do you have going on in the morning?” I must be more of a multi-tasker than I think, because I’m listening to Kim but still hearing the words from the TV, “indulge yourself in satiny smooth fabrics designed to give you maximum cleavage, while bringing unsurpassed comfort, on an on…”
All the while beautiful young models like Heidi Klum, Tyra Banks and Laetitia Casta are parading around in nothing but their skivvies. We love this underwear! We feel so free! So natural! So rich because of what we get paid!
Why, I ask you, instead of looking at Kim and listening to what she has to say, am I still fighting the urge to glance at the television? Why, if she were to look away, would I immediately have the desire to see the rest of the commercial?
To get a good gift idea for Kim’s birthday? To learn more about effective communication strategies that hold people’s attention?
No, it’s because of an issue that goes much deeper. Because of something we all struggle with – and something we need to deal with.
You know, it’s difficult for Christians to admit they struggle with lust. Often we think we’re alone, and no one would understand.
I think one preacher hit it on the head when he said, “It’s surprising to find that most of us are like the rest of us.”
Charles Mylander writes: “Am I the only one who failed miserably in combating lust while seeming to succeed in most of my Christian life? Don’t others struggle too?” (From Mike Breaux message on Lust, 1993 Natl. Youth Leaders Convention)
The answer is, yes, we do.
Let’s read the words of Jesus from Matthew 5:27-28…
READ TEXT
27“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
It’s pretty plain from these words, God doesn’t approve of our lustful thoughts. And even though Jesus says lust is sinful, I believe today lust isn’t so much viewed a sin as much as it is perhaps the national pastime.
ILLUS - I remember relating to a gym full of high school students how Jesus asks us to stay sexually pure - a group of boys had recently started attending our weekly youth event, sitting in the back – judging by their reaction when they learned what the Bible had to say about engaging in sex before marriage – you’d have thought they’d never heard anything so ridiculous. I’ve often wondered what they would have thought if the message that night was on what Jesus said simply about having lustful thoughts. Either way, the concept to them was totally foreign.
ILLUS - Philip Yancey relates how a professor Virginia Stem Owens assigned the Sermon on the Mount to her composition class at Texas A&M University. She asked her students to write a short essay on this passage of Scripture. Here is what one student wrote: “The things asked in this sermon are absurd. To look at a woman is adultery. That is the most extreme, stupid, unhuman statement that I have ever heard.” (The Jesus I Never Knew, p. 130).
Professor Owens reflected: “There is something exquisitely innocent about not realizing you shouldn’t call Jesus stupid…I find it strangely heartening that the Bible remains offensive to honest, ignorant ears, just as it was in the first century.” (Ibid.)
It’s still shocking today. Shocking to many that God places limits on acceptable sexual behavior. Shocking, and perhaps unfathomable, to many more that God actually places limits on acceptable sexual thoughts.
ILLUS - In the recent book, Speechless, Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman and his pastor, Scotty Smith, say this: “In the Gospel we discover we are far worse off than we thought and far more loved than we ever dreamed.” (As heard in the intro of tape #206 from Preaching Today)
When Jesus talks about lust, he helps us to discover we are worse off than we thought – we really are poor in spirit. Maybe we are ashamed. But as we talk about this today, I don’t want you to forget the rest of his message: You are more loved than you ever dreamed.
So, what does Jesus say?
He says it’s not enough to act right sexually, we have to think right too. Because when you think right sexually you will also act right sexually
TRANSITION: Lets look for a few moments at some…
I. THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT LUST (v. 27-28)
#1…
1. It’s raging in the heart
Jesus said looking at a person lustfully is adultery in the heart.
Adultery was prohibited by the 7th of the 10 Commandments.
The religious leaders in Jesus day had a conveniently narrow definition of sexual sin (just make sure you don’t have intercourse with someone other than your spouse), and because of that, they had a conveniently broad definition of sexual purity (just have intercourse with your spouse and you are sexually pure). Jesus says, “That’s surface stuff. What about your heart?” A painfully probing question.
Lust in simplest terms means to desire what belongs to someone else – comes from the Latin word luxuria – which means to overindulge for the sake of pleasure.
As Jesus uses it here…
Definition: Lust is the encouraging and cultivating of sexual fantasies about someone other than your mate in marriage.
Russell Willingham is a Christian counselor who specializes in issues related to sexual addiction. In his book, Breaking Free, he says that lust is made up of 5 interrelated desires (p. 158-162):
Developmental needs
Spiritual needs
Healthy sexuality
Habit
True lust
Of those components, the first 3, developmental needs, spiritual needs and healthy sexuality are all good things. In fact, sexuality and spirituality are very closely linked. When God made his covenant with Israel, doesn’t it seem odd that he chose the mark of circumcision? Of all the ways ratify a covenant, and of all the places on the human body, why there? I don’t mean to be too graphic, but think about the times when a man sees that part of his body. Could it be that that God was saying, “What you do sexually says more about your relationship to me than anything else?” I think so.
You see, God is pro-sex. He gave us the desire to have it. He wants those who are married to enjoy sex as a gift. It’s a good thing, it’s a spiritual thing. Part of what is at work when we lust is a misuse of healthy God-given desires.
Habit and true lust are the unhealthy components of lust. Habit is the result of thousands of undisciplined choices.
If Jesus isn’t condemning healthy sexual desire that means he’s not heaping guilt on you for simply noticing an attractive person.
So, when do we cross the line between looking and lusting? When is a look more than a look? From what Jesus says…
A look becomes a sin at the point you or I dwell on a sexually attractive person and build scenarios which emerge as fantasy.
It’s sinful when we deliberately and repeatedly fill our minds with fantasies that would be evil if acted out. Adultery in the heart.
Proverbs 12:11 says, He who chases fantasies lacks judgment
So think this… If I were to actually do what I’m imagining doing, whatever it is, would that be evil? If the answer is, yes, then that’s lust. You’ve just done it.
True lust is predatory. Because to declare someone lustworthy is to reduce them to a sexual creature. It’s dehumanizing.
Like anger and murder – this is a heart issue – raging in the heart.
2nd thing to know about lust…
2. It’s impossible to satisfy
The most deceptive aspect of lust is that the more a person tries to satisfy it, the more intense it becomes. The more we feed lust, the greater our hunger for gratification. The more one gets, the less one is satisfied.
Samson – First words of his recorded in the Bible, “I saw a woman. Get her for me.” Leader of Israel. He man with a she weakness. Never satisfied. Sleeps with prostitutes, and then gets involved with this woman named Delilah. He allows her to cut his hair, the Philistines come in to seize him, Bible says he tried but he couldn’t muster the strength, b/c “He did not know that God’s spirit had left him.”
Scary thought – to be so preoccupied with lustful desires to not know God’s hand isn’t on your life anymore.
One guy said, “I learned quickly lust, like physical sex, points only in one direction. You cannot go back to a lower level and stay satisfied. Always you want more. A magazine excites, a movie thrills, a live show really makes the blood run. Lust does not satisfy. It stirs up.” (Taken from Mike Breaux message on Lust, 1993 National Youth Leaders Convention)
That’s why pornography is so dangerous. What you see is never enough.
ILLUS – In an episode of the TV show Friends Chandler and Joey turn on their television to discover that for some reason, their cable company is allowing them to receive free porn. For the rest of the episode, these guys are glued to the set. They never leave the house. They never leave their chairs. The TV never gets turned off. They couldn’t get enough of the stuff.
Pornography is dangerous because it always leaves you wanting more. Lust never delivers what it promises.
It’s like pizza that your delivery service secretly laces with crack cocaine. Umm. It sure tastes good, even makes you feel good, but quickly you’re hooked. You just need more and more pizza. Soon that’s all you think about – more pizza. Your lifestyle begins to revolve around getting more pizza. It begins to affect your work, your relationships – you don’t fully understand it, but you crave it all the time. All you want is more pizza.
It’s embarrassing to feel so out of control and not be able to explain why. But that’s the nature of lust. When lusting we lose our sense of rational thought and reflection.
Satan is the great deceiver. He gives us what we think we crave only to leave us emotionally empty and spiritually unfulfilled.
3rd thing to know about lust…
3. It’s outcome is disastrous
Destroys families, Kills ministries, Wounds people
At a conference last year, I heard the sad story of someone who is no longer in ministry. The speaker related how a friend of his went to a convention planning meeting in another state, and stopped for gas along the interstate on the way home. Near the gas station was an adult bookstore, where parked in front was a car of an unusual make and color. The same unusual make and color of the car driven by one of the other minister’s at the meeting he had just attended – a minister with whom he was friends, and who worked in the same city he did. Hoping it wasn’t the case, he pulled up next to the empty car and looked inside. On the seat was the planning notebook from the convention planning meeting. He walked to the door of the bookstore and looked inside – there was his friend with flipping through magazines, holding several under his arm.
Brokenhearted, he didn’t go inside, but waited a couple of weeks to confront his friend. The two got together, and when the matter of finding him at the adult bookstore was brought up, the man said, “Well, I was doing some research on pornography. I’m preaching on it, so I figured I should a little about it.”
Not very convincing. It was only days later when that minister who brushed off the adult bookstore incident was caught having a sexual affair with a woman in his church.
It all started with the encouragement of lust long before it was acted out. But the outcome was disastrous for these people, their families and their church.
TRANSITION: So those are some things to know about lust.
One of my basketball coaches frequently told us, “Play to win.” Before we label him someone with an unhealthy view of friendly competition, you need to realize we didn’t win very many games. But he kept telling us, “Play to win. If the game is worth playing, it’s worth playing like you want the victory. So don’t go out there and play like you’re already beaten. Play to win.”
In this area of lust, God wants us to have the victory. Play to win. Don’t live like you’re already defeated. Play to win. Let’s look at…
II. A STRATEGY TO WIN (v. 29-30)
Let’s read v. 29-30
29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
To win the battle against lust, the first part of the strategy is…
1. Monitor your eyes
Jesus says – If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.
Jesus identifies the problem as the eye. If heart adultery is the result of eye adultery, then the only way to deal with the problem is at its beginning, which is our eyes.
The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. (Matthew 6:22-23)
If that’s how lust gets in the heart, it makes sense to put a stop to it at the eyes.
John Stott says, “Deeds of shame are preceded by fantasies of shame, and the inflaming of the imagination by the indiscipline of our eyes.” (Message of the Sermon on the Mount, p. 88)
Jesus isn’t calling for mutilation. After all a blind man can still lust. He simply calling for drastic measures. Do what it takes to monitor your eyes.
ILLUS – An old friend called me a few days after Christmas. He needed to confess a sin to someone. He was getting hooked on Internet pornography. Because of their jobs, he and his wife were home at different times. He had to have the Internet b/c his work required him to take some online courses. I encouraged him to get a filter and let his wife have the password.
Bob Russell is the Sr. Minister of Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, KY. The Southeast youth staff asked him to tell this to the congregation: “Teens should not be allowed to have a computer in their own rooms. It should be in an open space that is visible. Even with a filter they can still bring home disks or CD roms of harmful content.”
If you think your son would never look at pornography, wouldn’t know how to access it on the Internet, you’re being naïve. Help him out – help him to monitor his eyes. Someday he’ll appreciate it.
I just talked to a guy a couple of weeks ago about cable TV. It was taking him down the path of lust. My recommendation was get rid of it.
For $7.55 a month you can get something called antenna service - channels 2-23 (I go crazy during college basketball season, but for someone who grew up in the country and the choices were ABC, NBC and CBS, 20 channels is still feels like a luxury)
When you monitor your eyes, you are better able to withstand the temptation to lust or act out on lustful thoughts.
Friend of mine knows a guy who had an interesting encounter on trip. He’s a good-looking guy, was flying Delta airlines, he and a female flight attendant struck up a conversation. In the course of the conversation, he could sort of see where this was heading. She leaned over touched him on the arm and said, “I want you to know, Delta is ready when you are.” He put up his hand and said, “I fly United.”
A sign of a man who monitors his eyes.
I shared my opening story about the Victoria’s Secret commercial with Kim on Friday morning. Her response: “Use the story, I’m still better looking!” That’s a smart woman right there!
We cannot avoid seeing attractive people – and out of looking we can lust, or we can love. The heart Jesus is asking us to have is interested in relationships – godly relationships – real loving relationships as we say around here.
Eyes that are monitored see other people as brothers or sisters in Christ. Or future brothers and sisters in Christ.
Sees others as the child of the Father. That girl who makes your mind go crazy – she’s someone’s daughter. She’s probably someone’s sister.
So, don’t look to prompt lust. Don’t stare. Train your eyes. Your habits can be unlearned.
2nd part of the strategy to win…
2. Eliminate sources of temptation
Jesus says, If you’re right hand causes you to sin, cut it off, and throw it away.
Again, He’s not talking about self-mutilation or amputation.
In response to this passage, Origen of Alexandria actually made himself a eunuch. The council of Nicea was right to condemn this practice in 325.
Jesus wants us to eliminate the sources of temptation that lead us to lust. Deal drastically with these things.
For the single person –
Dating situations – time alone together – watch out (Studies say that after 300 hours alone a couple is typically physically intimate). Fantasies grow and you find yourself wanting to act them out.
In what I do, I am privileged to talk to a lot of people about issues in their lives.
Many people think, “Once I get married these intense lustful desires will go away – it doesn’t work like that.”
A single person inflamed with lust once married will become a married person inflamed with lust
A single person who struggles with masturbation will usually become a married person who struggles with masturbation
Start now to eliminate sources of temptation.
Don’t travel alone – if you must and you know you struggle with lust – have the access to adult entertainment turned off when you check into your room
I personally don’t stay in hotel rooms alone. I went to a conference in February and I stayed with Kim’s uncle. I just don’t want the temptation
There may be people in your life who trigger your lust button. Don’t make lunch appts with them.
Don’t linger at the magazine rack or the video store
Read something other than romance novels if that creates lustful thoughts
Don’t go to Internet chatrooms if you are tempted by the fantasy of encountering someone new
If the temptation to lust at a certain place is too great, don’t go.
Cut it off!
Last part of the strategy…
3. Tell someone you can trust
Here’s what Jesus says about eyes and hands…
It’s better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into Hell.
Tell someone… It’s better to forfeit maybe your pride or image than go to Hell with them intact.
Tell it to a friend
Find a Christian friend that keeps a confidence
Pornography may have a grip on you
You may find it difficult to resist nightclubs with live shows
You may be overpowered by the desire to have a prostitute
You may be consumed with the thought of a same sex encounter
You may even secretly desire one of your daughter’s friends
Talk to someone – talk to one of us on staff here at the church. Talk to one of our elders. Talk to a friend you can trust. Ask them to keep asking you how you’re doing in this area.
This may be sound odd, but if you’re married – talk to your spouse
Some of the more difficult, but overwhelmingly most beneficial conversations Kim and I have had have been about our thought lives. These are the things I struggle with. Not fun to hear, but we’re much closer because of it.
A good friend of mine told me when he admitted to his wife that he struggled with lustful thoughts. He said, “That’s one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It broke her heart. But it also helped our marriage.”
The Lord will tell you how much detail you need to share
Risk it – Risk that rather than letting this get out of control
And wives – be sensitive – if he tells you he struggles with lust, it’s not because he’s proud of it, and it’s not because he doesn’t love you.
Russell Willingham says, “The most virtuous man who is deliriously happy with his wife will still have sexual energy left over. This energy is intended to drive him to the ultimate satisfier of human need: Jesus Christ.”
So help to point him to Jesus.
Tell it to God
Randy Rowland prays this prayer…
“God, I know you gave me this sex drive and its really hummin’ right now. Thanks for the drive and the verification that all the wiring is in place, but will you also help me to control myself here lest I damage you, myself or another.” (From Sins We Love, p. 181)
TRANSITION: This may be an issue you really struggle with, but if you’re going to win, you’ve got to tell someone. Start with God, but tell someone else.
CONCLUSION
At Jesus People U.S.A. working in the Soup Kitchen. My job to take out the trash. Heaved it over my shoulder and went outside. The bin was near the door. I lifted up the lid, but didn’t notice the man who was bent over inside, opening up the previous bags I had dumped, and picking out pieces of bread. I startled him – he startled me. We stared at each other for a few seconds. He nervously put some scraps in the pocket of his tattered coat. I said to him, “Hey buddy, they’ve got a free hot meal inside.” He turned and ran away. Just inches from what would really satisfy, he chose to pick through the garbage.
Sad, but many of us are like that guy. Lust never satisfies, and yet we sometimes pick through trash attempting to get our fill.
What we’re really looking for is available in a relationship with Jesus.
The ache in your heart is Jesus knocking at the door
