5 Love languages
Part 1
What happens to love after the wedding
Someone said, “Love is a dream and marriage is the alarm clock.”
*Definitions for men
Just about every magazine published regularly has articles on how to keep love alive
101 ways to keep your marriage happy
With all of the books, talk shows, and magazines available, you would think that there the rate of happy marriages would be high in America.
Here is what happens to the person who reads the article “101 ways to express love to your spouse”
They pick a couple of ways that seem to be a good idea to them, and like a kid with a new bat they go for it.
After trying them our spouse doesn’t even acknowledge our effort
So we forget the other 98 ways and go back to life as usual.
The simple yet profound answer to that question is that people speak different love languages
In the world of verbal communication, most of us grow up learning the language of our parents.
If you where born to a Spanish speaking family chances are you native tongue will not be Swahili
Later in life you may learn additional languages
French, German, Redneck,
But usually with allot of effort
We speak and learn best in our native language.
The more we use the second language the easier it becomes, we still sometimes rely on pointing, or grunting, or acting out our words
It is a nobrainer if we are going to speak effectively across cultural line we must learn the language of those we wish to communicate.
It is the same in the languages of love
If you only speak Chinese and your spouse speaks dutch then you will never be able to communicate love to her.
There is good news and bad news
The bad news is you have probably been speaking the wrong language of love to your spouse, or children, or friends
The good news is that there is only 4 other languages total that you have to learn
The most important thing is to speak the primary love language of your spouse.
One couple said they had no love for each other anymore
She said he never did anything around the house
He said All she does is complain, I tell her I love her, I tell her how lucky I am to be her husband, I tell her that I need her.
She says I keep the house immaculate for him, iron all of his clothes, take the kids to school everyday, I cook every night, but he doesn’t seem to appreciate me, I ask him to do a few simple things and he blows me off
These two are speaking two different languages
We generally speak our native language so if your native language is acts of service, then that is what you will speak (that is how you will show love)
When this wife was saying I love you, she was doing it by her actions.
So when he did not respond in the same language, she thought he didn’t love her
He on the other hand, He says all she does is complain, she never tells me I’m making her happy, or anything, all she does is complain.
He is speaking the language of words of affirmation when he tells her how special she is, and how proud he is to have her as his wife.
Because he is speaking that language, he expects to hear that language that’s why when she complains about this, or that it devastates him.
Then they say they have “fallen out” love
Let’s talk about this four-letter word, LOVE
Thousand of songs, movies, books and magazines are peppered with that word, LOVE
Love was so important that Christ himself said, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another”
Love is among the most basic of human needs
For love we will climb mountains cross-seas, traverse deserts, and endure untold hardships
With out it, Mountains become unclimbible seas uncrossible, and deserts unbearable and hardships become the story of our life
Paul the apostle even said that all human effort is worth nothing in the end without love”
Even greater than faith, and hope love is.
Even though it is a word of utmost important for our existence, it is a very confusing word.
We say we love hotdog, and then our mother
We love objects, like cars, boats, and bikes
We love hobbies, fishing, hunting, and shopping
We even fall in love with love.
If that’s not confusing enough we use it to describe behavior,
“I did it because I love her”
That explanation is given for all kinds of actions
*A man is involved in an adulterous relationship, He calls it love,
I call it sin,
*A woman picks up the pieces from her alcoholic husbands last episode, she calls it love, and the psychologist on the other hand calls it co-dependency
*The parent indulges all of the child’s wishes, calling it love, but the family therapist calls it irresponsible parenting
We all have a love tank
Kids
Friends
Family
Our Spouses
Our Love tank is full when we have been spoken to consistently in our love language
Children rebel; act up when their love tanks are low
Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty love tank
Dad if you want to let your daughter grow up to marry a looser then don’t be concerned about what her love language is, or the level of her love tank.
If you want her to marry a winner, then fill her love tank so high she will be satisfied with nothing else than to marry someone just like you.
The reason why marriages fail, teens get pregnant and children miss behave is all because their love tank is empty
The emotional need for love however is not simply a childhood issue.
That need follows us into adulthood, and on into marriage.
The, IN Love” experience temporarily meets that need, but it is inevitable a quick fix and has a limited and inevitable life span
After we come down from the high, of the, “In love obsession” the emotional need for love resurfaces
Love is at the center of our emotional desires
Isolation is devastating to the human psyche
That is why solitary confinement is the cruelest form for confinement
There are millions of marriages that end every year, due to isolation,
Remember in this graveyard of marriages
Are simply people who did not understand the other persons love language?
Being isolated from their own love language.
So, What happens to love after the wedding?
Well when people say, I don’t have love for him anymore
Or She and I don’t have anything in common anymore.
What they are really saying is my, “Love Tank” is on empty.
Men, and women do the same thing as kids when they have empty love tanks; they go seeking to fill it with other things
Extra marital affairs
Becoming a workaholic, or alcoholic
Excessive spending
Excessive eating, and other excessive activities
The bottom line is it is much more dangerous to drive your marriage with an empty love tank than it is to drive your car without oil.
Too many couples have found their marriage broke down on the side of the highway of life, with what used to be their dreams engulfed in the flames of miscommunication, often with their children still trapped inside.
So welcome to the filling station
Mark Twain once said, “I could live for 2 months on a good complement”
If we take mark literally, then 6 complements could last him a whole year
That is not the case for 1/5th of the people out there.
#1 Words of affirmation
An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word, cheers him up -Solomon
Proverbs 12:25
These are best expressed in simple straightforward statements of affirmation
There are four dialects to this language
#1Straight forward words of affirmation
“You look sharp in that suit, do you ever look nice in that dress”
That was the best meal ever
You’re so smart
You’re the best pastor ever
Giving verbal, clear, words of affirmation is only one way to express this type of love to your spouse or family,
#2Encouraging words
The word encourage literally means to inspire courage
The potential in your spouse, or friends or family, may be awaiting your encouraging words
#3 Kinds words
Words of love in a kind tone
The statement, “I love you” when said with tenderness will fill a love tank
How ever the same word, I, Love you?
The kind word dialect has more to do with how you say it than what you say.
#4 humble words
When we use the humble words dialect, we are honoring a basic true about love,
That love is about respect
Love makes request, not demands
When I demand things from my spouse I become the parent, and she the child
Our spouses need to know your request,
When they come across as demands, we erase the possibility of intimacy
The husband who says, “you know those apple pies you make, I love those, do you think it would be possible to get one of those this week” is giving his wife guidance on how to love him.
But the husband who says,
Hadn’t had an apple pie since the baby was born don’t guess I’m going to get one for 18 years
Has ceased being an adult, and has reverted to adolescent behavior, and such actions do not build intimacy
Psychologist, William James, said possible the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated
Here is apart of the problem seldom do spouses have the same primary love language.
Word’s of affirmation may not be your love language, but it may be your spouses
If that is the case this will take great effort on your part to begin to speak this language to your spouse.
Practical tip
Start a notebook on words of affirmation
In 15 minutes sessions sit down and begin to write out ever-good thing you can say about your spouse.
Then begin to use the your work verbally to fill your spouses love tank.
Get a book on love, and write down the words of affirmation you find.
Do this a few times and it will become more and more natural. Much like picking up a new language.
Africa, I was on the same trip with people who barley learned how to say hi in Swahili, I learned a lot for the short time, I was there, what is the difference, the effort.
Try indirect words of affirmation
Give their mother their boss, their college complements about your spouse, it will eventually get back around to them.
There are some people that words mean little to they want action
Action for them is Quality time
Just like our primary verbal language is the language our parents spoke to us, so it is for our primary love language.
Some parents spoke QT to their kids, and maybe their kids are your spouse.
Courtney’s parents spoke this language to her, and this is a language I have to learn.
Sitting on the couch with the TV off
Going for a walk
Giving the gift of life
TIME
Learning to Speak QT means thinking of comments made down through the years
Like, “I’ve always wanted to…”
“Someday I would like to …”
The Holy Spirit convicted me even as I was writing this sermon, A few months before the wedding; we talked about how fun it would be to go camping.
This was important for Courtney, I still have not taken her, remember, I’m learning the language of QT.
Guys it may mean taking her to a symphony
Speaking QT
Means having a date night
It means making it a priority
A central aspect of QT is togetherness
Not proximity but Focus
Watching TV to is not being together, that’s simply being in the same room.
Shopping is not being together; again your focus is diverted from each other to objects
Riding Bikes
Camping
Playing cards
Walking
Etcetera…
Are all the language of Quality Time
The activity is a vehicle, which creates a sense of togetherness
Like Words of affirmation, QT has several dialects
#1One dialect of QT is Quality Conversation
The spouse whose emotional love tank is on E that says their spouse never talks, doesn’t mean literally, they mean,
They don’t spend time in sympathetic dialog, or Friendly, nurturing, focused conversations
If your spouse’s love language is QT then QC is crucial for your spouses emotional since of being loved
The key to QC is asking sincere Questions
How did that make you feel?
If I understand you, your saying…
What are your dreams?
Tell me about your day
Ask allot of open ended questions
Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn, you must
Hundreds of books and articles on learning to listen
I’m not going to try to repeat them,
I will tell you , you need to get them, and I will also give you three tips
Practical tips
1) Maintain eye contact when they are talking, this helps you focus, and sends the message that you are listening to your spouse, friend, or family
2) Listen for feelings
Then, ask the question, “What emotion is my spouse feeling?”
Then confirm that by asking them, did that make you sad, happy, upset ect.
3) Observe body language
Clinched fist, trembling hands, the sound of a 12 gage cocking
Sometimes body language speak of one thing when words speak are saying something else,
so clarify
QC involves not only sympathetic listening, but also Self-revelation
When a wife whose love language is QT, says, I wish my husband would talk, I never know what he is thinking
She is pledging for intimacy
In order for her to feel loved, he must learn to reveal himself, (emotionally)
If her Love language is QT and her dialect is QC then her emotional love tank will never be filled, until he tells her some of his feelings
Self-revelation does not come easy for some of us.
So especially men, grew up in homes where self revelation was not encouraged, but condemned it is not easy for this person to open up, but it is crucial.
#2 Quality activities
5 Love languages
Part 1
What happens to love after the wedding
Someone said, “Love is a dream and marriage is the alarm clock.”
*Definitions for men
Just about every magazine published regularly has articles on how to keep love alive
101 ways to keep your marriage happy
With all of the books, talk shows, and magazines available, you would think that there the rate of happy marriages would be high in America.
Here is what happens to the person who reads the article “101 ways to express love to your spouse”
They pick a couple of ways that seem to be a good idea to them, and like a kid with a new bat they go for it.
After trying them our spouse doesn’t even acknowledge our effort
So we forget the other 98 ways and go back to life as usual.
The simple yet profound answer to that question is that people speak different love languages
In the world of verbal communication, most of us grow up learning the language of our parents.
If you where born to a Spanish speaking family chances are you native tongue will not be Swahili
Later in life you may learn additional languages
French, German, Redneck,
But usually with allot of effort
We speak and learn best in our native language.
The more we use the second language the easier it becomes, we still sometimes rely on pointing, or grunting, or acting out our words
It is a nobrainer if we are going to speak effectively across cultural line we must learn the language of those we wish to communicate.
It is the same in the languages of love
If you only speak Chinese and your spouse speaks dutch then you will never be able to communicate love to her.
There is good news and bad news
The bad news is you have probably been speaking the wrong language of love to your spouse, or children, or friends
The good news is that there is only 4 other languages total that you have to learn
The most important thing is to speak the primary love language of your spouse.
One couple said they had no love for each other anymore
She said he never did anything around the house
He said All she does is complain, I tell her I love her, I tell her how lucky I am to be her husband, I tell her that I need her.
She says I keep the house immaculate for him, iron all of his clothes, take the kids to school everyday, I cook every night, but he doesn’t seem to appreciate me, I ask him to do a few simple things and he blows me off
These two are speaking two different languages
We generally speak our native language so if your native language is acts of service, then that is what you will speak (that is how you will show love)
When this wife was saying I love you, she was doing it by her actions.
So when he did not respond in the same language, she thought he didn’t love her
He on the other hand, He says all she does is complain, she never tells me I’m making her happy, or anything, all she does is complain.
He is speaking the language of words of affirmation when he tells her how special she is, and how proud he is to have her as his wife.
Because he is speaking that language, he expects to hear that language that’s why when she complains about this, or that it devastates him.
Then they say they have “fallen out” love
Let’s talk about this four-letter word, LOVE
Thousand of songs, movies, books and magazines are peppered with that word, LOVE
Love was so important that Christ himself said, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another”
Love is among the most basic of human needs
For love we will climb mountains cross-seas, traverse deserts, and endure untold hardships
With out it, Mountains become unclimbible seas uncrossible, and deserts unbearable and hardships become the story of our life
Paul the apostle even said that all human effort is worth nothing in the end without love”
Even greater than faith, and hope love is.
Even though it is a word of utmost important for our existence, it is a very confusing word.
We say we love hotdog, and then our mother
We love objects, like cars, boats, and bikes
We love hobbies, fishing, hunting, and shopping
We even fall in love with love.
If that’s not confusing enough we use it to describe behavior,
“I did it because I love her”
That explanation is given for all kinds of actions
*A man is involved in an adulterous relationship, He calls it love,
I call it sin,
*A woman picks up the pieces from her alcoholic husbands last episode, she calls it love, and the psychologist on the other hand calls it co-dependency
*The parent indulges all of the child’s wishes, calling it love, but the family therapist calls it irresponsible parenting
We all have a love tank
Kids
Friends
Family
Our Spouses
Our Love tank is full when we have been spoken to consistently in our love language
Children rebel; act up when their love tanks are low
Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty love tank
Dad if you want to let your daughter grow up to marry a looser then don’t be concerned about what her love language is, or the level of her love tank.
If you want her to marry a winner, then fill her love tank so high she will be satisfied with nothing else than to marry someone just like you.
The reason why marriages fail, teens get pregnant and children miss behave is all because their love tank is empty
The emotional need for love however is not simply a childhood issue.
That need follows us into adulthood, and on into marriage.
The, IN Love” experience temporarily meets that need, but it is inevitable a quick fix and has a limited and inevitable life span
After we come down from the high, of the, “In love obsession” the emotional need for love resurfaces
Love is at the center of our emotional desires
Isolation is devastating to the human psyche
That is why solitary confinement is the cruelest form for confinement
There are millions of marriages that end every year, due to isolation,
Remember in this graveyard of marriages
Are simply people who did not understand the other persons love language?
Being isolated from their own love language.
So, What happens to love after the wedding?
Well when people say, I don’t have love for him anymore
Or She and I don’t have anything in common anymore.
What they are really saying is my, “Love Tank” is on empty.
Men, and women do the same thing as kids when they have empty love tanks; they go seeking to fill it with other things
Extra marital affairs
Becoming a workaholic, or alcoholic
Excessive spending
Excessive eating, and other excessive activities
The bottom line is it is much more dangerous to drive your marriage with an empty love tank than it is to drive your car without oil.
Too many couples have found their marriage broke down on the side of the highway of life, with what used to be their dreams engulfed in the flames of miscommunication, often with their children still trapped inside.
So welcome to the filling station
Mark Twain once said, “I could live for 2 months on a good complement”
If we take mark literally, then 6 complements could last him a whole year
That is not the case for 1/5th of the people out there.
#1 Words of affirmation
An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word, cheers him up -Solomon
Proverbs 12:25
These are best expressed in simple straightforward statements of affirmation
There are four dialects to this language
#1Straight forward words of affirmation
“You look sharp in that suit, do you ever look nice in that dress”
That was the best meal ever
You’re so smart
You’re the best pastor ever
Giving verbal, clear, words of affirmation is only one way to express this type of love to your spouse or family,
#2Encouraging words
The word encourage literally means to inspire courage
The potential in your spouse, or friends or family, may be awaiting your encouraging words
#3 Kinds words
Words of love in a kind tone
The statement, “I love you” when said with tenderness will fill a love tank
How ever the same word, I, Love you?
The kind word dialect has more to do with how you say it than what you say.
#4 humble words
When we use the humble words dialect, we are honoring a basic true about love,
That love is about respect
Love makes request, not demands
When I demand things from my spouse I become the parent, and she the child
Our spouses need to know your request,
When they come across as demands, we erase the possibility of intimacy
The husband who says, “you know those apple pies you make, I love those, do you think it would be possible to get one of those this week” is giving his wife guidance on how to love him.
But the husband who says,
Hadn’t had an apple pie since the baby was born don’t guess I’m going to get one for 18 years
Has ceased being an adult, and has reverted to adolescent behavior, and such actions do not build intimacy
Psychologist, William James, said possible the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated
Here is apart of the problem seldom do spouses have the same primary love language.
Word’s of affirmation may not be your love language, but it may be your spouses
If that is the case this will take great effort on your part to begin to speak this language to your spouse.
Practical tip
Start a notebook on words of affirmation
In 15 minutes sessions sit down and begin to write out ever-good thing you can say about your spouse.
Then begin to use the your work verbally to fill your spouses love tank.
Get a book on love, and write down the words of affirmation you find.
Do this a few times and it will become more and more natural. Much like picking up a new language.
Africa, I was on the same trip with people who barley learned how to say hi in Swahili, I learned a lot for the short time, I was there, what is the difference, the effort.
Try indirect words of affirmation
Give their mother their boss, their college complements about your spouse, it will eventually get back around to them.
There are some people that words mean little to they want action
Action for them is Quality time
Just like our primary verbal language is the language our parents spoke to us, so it is for our primary love language.
Some parents spoke QT to their kids, and maybe their kids are your spouse.
Courtney’s parents spoke this language to her, and this is a language I have to learn.
Sitting on the couch with the TV off
Going for a walk
Giving the gift of life
TIME
Learning to Speak QT means thinking of comments made down through the years
Like, “I’ve always wanted to…”
“Someday I would like to …”
The Holy Spirit convicted me even as I was writing this sermon, A few months before the wedding; we talked about how fun it would be to go camping.
This was important for Courtney, I still have not taken her, remember, I’m learning the language of QT.
Guys it may mean taking her to a symphony
Speaking QT
Means having a date night
It means making it a priority
A central aspect of QT is togetherness
Not proximity but Focus
Watching TV to is not being together, that’s simply being in the same room.
Shopping is not being together; again your focus is diverted from each other to objects
Riding Bikes
Camping
Playing cards
Walking
Etcetera…
Are all the language of Quality Time
The activity is a vehicle, which creates a sense of togetherness
Like Words of affirmation, QT has several dialects
#1One dialect of QT is Quality Conversation
The spouse whose emotional love tank is on E that says their spouse never talks, doesn’t mean literally, they mean,
They don’t spend time in sympathetic dialog, or Friendly, nurturing, focused conversations
If your spouse’s love language is QT then QC is crucial for your spouses emotional since of being loved
The key to QC is asking sincere Questions
How did that make you feel?
If I understand you, your saying…
What are your dreams?
Tell me about your day
Ask allot of open ended questions
Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn, you must
Hundreds of books and articles on learning to listen
I’m not going to try to repeat them,
I will tell you , you need to get them, and I will also give you three tips
Practical tips
1) Maintain eye contact when they are talking, this helps you focus, and sends the message that you are listening to your spouse, friend, or family
2) Listen for feelings
Then, ask the question, “What emotion is my spouse feeling?”
Then confirm that by asking them, did that make you sad, happy, upset ect.
3) Observe body language
Clinched fist, trembling hands, the sound of a 12 gage cocking
Sometimes body language speak of one thing when words speak are saying something else,
so clarify
QC involves not only sympathetic listening, but also Self-revelation
When a wife whose love language is QT, says, I wish my husband would talk, I never know what he is thinking
She is pledging for intimacy
In order for her to feel loved, he must learn to reveal himself, (emotionally)
If her Love language is QT and her dialect is QC then her emotional love tank will never be filled, until he tells her some of his feelings
Self-revelation does not come easy for some of us.
So especially men, grew up in homes where self revelation was not encouraged, but condemned it is not easy for this person to open up, but it is crucial.
#2 Quality activities
