Children Who Learn
I love the things kids come up with. A Sunday School teacher asked her class one day why it was so important to be quiet in the church worship service. One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
After coming home from church, one boy suddenly announced to his parents, “I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.” The parents responded by saying, “That’s OK with us, but what made you decide that?” “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figured it would be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”
In the days of the Wild West, a lone cowboy went riding through a valley and came unexpectedly upon an Indian lying motionless on the road. His right ear was pressed to the ground, and he was muttering something to himself. “Ummm,” he said. “Stagecoach! Three people inside. Two men, one woman. Four horses. Three gray, one black. Stagecoach moving west. Ummmmm.” The cowboy was amazed and said, “That’s incredible, pardner! You can tell all that by just listening to the ground? The Indian replied, “Ummmmmm. No! Stagecoach run over me thirty minutes ago!”
My guess is that some of you parents feel that way this morning. You’ve been run over by the demands of parenting, crushed by the pressures of child rearing, and you don’t know when you’re going to be trampled again. I think I can hear some of you mumbling, “Ummmm. Kids everywhere. Wet diapers. Dirty feet. Rebellious teenagers. I’m piled and need some help!”
Let’s be honest. For many of us the overwhelming responsibility associated with raising children is not so funny. According to Dr. James Dobson, 80% of parents feel like they’re failures! This “crisis of confidence” is affecting families all around the country. While parenting is demanding, Dobson is concerned that too many of us find the task burdensome. Parents today have saddled themselves with unnecessary guilt, fear, and self-doubt.
Listen to what he writes in his book, Parenting Isn’t For Cowards: “Throughout the Scriptures, it is quite clear that the raising of children was viewed as a wonderful blessing from God a welcome, joyful experience… We’ve had enough self-condemnation. What we need now is a doable dose of confidence in our ability to raise our children properly.” (Page 16)
My attempt this morning is to communicate a biblical perspective on parenting so that we can do exactly that have the confidence as parents to raise our children properly. Parents, simply put, our job is to teach our children how to obey. This is not always easy, is it? It’s like the little boy who was overheard praying, “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
While our children may think they’re having a good time disobeying, the fact of the matter is that they will be much happier and more joyful if they can learn the biblical discipline of obedience.
Teaching Obedience to our Kids
I want to mention at the beginning of this message that some of my points come from John MacArthur’s excellent book entitled, “What the Bible Says About Parenting.”
Teaching our children to obey is more than a matter of good parenting advice, it is a bedrock moral principle that is given a place of prominence among the Ten Commandments, and emphasized repeatedly throughout the Bible. When you distill it down to the bottom line, here’s what you’re left with: it is the child’s duty to obey, and it is the parent’s mandate to teach obedience. Or, to say it another way, God gives to all parents the responsibility to build their children’s moral character by teaching them to obey God and their parents.
Not an Easy Task
This is no small task. It’s difficult for at least three reasons.
1. The corruption on the outside. It’s not news to you that our whole society is hostile to biblical truth and often seems bent on teaching children to rebel against authority. The Bible predicted that such a time would come in 2 Timothy 3:1-2: “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents…”
2. The curse of sin on the inside. Not only is the world pressuring our kids to conform to ungodliness, their own depravity causes them to be naturally prone to rebellion. Both of these influences work in tandem against parents who want to teach their children to obey. Romans 3:23 says that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. That includes kids. Have you ever noticed that you’ve never had to explain to your child how to disobey? They’re experts in this from the very beginning, but obedience is something they must learn.
That reminds me of a mother was preparing pancakes for her two young sons, Kevin and Ryan. Since the boys started to argue over who would get the first pancake, the mother saw an opportunity for a “teachable moment.” The mother solemnly said, “Boys, if Jesus were here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”
3. Their own childishness makes them vulnerable. Even apart from the forces in our culture, and their own natural bent toward disobedience, children have another problem they’re not grown up yet. Either through ignorance or because of immaturity, it is still necessary for them to obey the God-given higher authority of their parents and to learn from them.
Jesus Had to Learn Obedience
Even Jesus, who was sinless and perfect, had to learn obedience as a human child. While he never disobeyed or acted sinfully, he still had to learn to subordinate himself to his parents in line with the Fifth Commandment. Hebrews 5:8 says that Jesus “…learned obedience from what He suffered.” Admittedly, this is a tough one to think about. How can the One who is sinlessly perfect, omniscient God in the flesh, learn anything, especially obedience?
And yet, Scripture is clear that Jesus did grow and learn, much like every other child, except that He was without sin. Luke 2:52 says that Jesus grew in four ways: “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” He grew intellectually, physically, socially, and spiritually. Our kids need to grow in the same four ways because they’re lacking in wisdom, still have room to grow physically, they need to grow in favor with God, and they still need to acquire necessary social skills.
Jesus honored his parents and obeyed them. I want to show a clip from a parenting series called, “Bringing up Kids Without Tearing Them Down. One of our Adult Elective classes has been watching this video series by Dr. Kevin Leman.
[Show Video Clip]
Learning to Obey
As we come to our main passage, let’s read Ephesians 6:1-3 together: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ which is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’”
Before we take a closer look at these verses, it’s important to understand the cultural context. Christians back then were seen as a subversive element in society and were especially viewed as a threat to the family structure. Because Christianity teaches freedom and love, some people accused Christ followers of throwing out social institutions. Paul is quick to point out that Christianity demands a higher standard for family relationships.
Unlike other teaching in the first century that tended to focus only on the roles and responsibilities of the more powerful and privileged husbands, parents, and masters; the Bible addresses those with different roles as well wives, children, and servants. They were full participants in the community and would have heard this letter read publicly in the church at Ephesus.
Let’s unpack these verses in order to better understand what God is saying. The term “obey” in verse 1 means “to hear” or “to heed,” and involves the idea of listening intently and conforming to a command. It implies an inward attitude of respect and honor, as well as external acts of compliance. It means to line up under your parent’s authority by keeping their rules, by listening carefully to what they have to say, and then doing what they tell you to do.
Beth and I have been helped by a concept that is called “first-time” obedience. The idea is that as parents we are to train our children to obey right away. Instead of counting to three, the idea is that we expect our children to obey instantly, not later on. This helps to teach them the importance of obedience.
God made parents to shape the moral will of their children by setting biblical standards for right and wrong, and then consistently enforcing those standards until their children learn how to conduct themselves with appropriate behavior. A person who grows up with a sense of obedience, a sense of discipline, and a sense of respect toward his parents will be someone who can make any kind of human relationship work. In other words, God’s design is for all human relationships to be based on what is learned through obedience in childhood.
Several months ago, Cal Thomas, a syndicated columnist wrote an article entitled, “What Kids Want.” He described the findings of two California teachers who toured 50 cities in order to discover what adolescents really wanted. Their findings are remarkable: “Teenagers…are not estranged from their parents. They actually want their parents to spend more time with them. They want their parents to listen and (surprise!) set guidelines and make them adhere to rules.” (10/15/99)
Sadly, according to a cover story in a recent Newsweek magazine, most teenagers, if they’re not estranged, are isolated from their parents and are no longer influenced by them. Listen to what a 17-year-old girl named Vanesa said: “You are who you hang around with. Before, parents made you who you are. Now, teens are pretty much defined by their friends. I see my mom maybe an hour a day and not at all on weekends.” (Newsweek, 5/8/00, page 53)
Look again at Ephesians 6:1. Children are to obey their parents “in the Lord.” They are to obey for the Lord’s sake. This doesn’t mean that you are only to obey your parents if they are Christians. Rather, it means that you are to obey your parents “because of the Lord,” as if you were obeying the Lord directly, because your parents represent God to you. In a parallel passage, Colossians 3:20 says, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”
Notice that this in not just a simple exhortation to obey like you might find in a booklet on parent-child relationships. It is not simply, “Children, obey your parents.” It is “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” The key to this command is in the Lord. Just as wives are to submit to husbands as to the Lord, and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, so too children are to obey their parents, for the Lord’s sake. Kids are to obey, not because they like to, or because its what their parents want, but because its what the Lord wants. Its part of their responsibility to Christ.
The last phrase in Ephesians 6:1 answers the question, “Why?” Why must I obey my parents? “For this is right.” God has written a universal moral standard on every human heart, which says that it is right, it is proper, it is essential for children to obey their parents. It’s a self-evident truth. Since the parents brought the child into the world, and since they have more knowledge and wisdom than the child, it is right that the child should obey his parents.
Kids and teens, f you practice the habit of joyful obedience, this verse teaches that things will turn out right. If you refuse to obey, things will go wrong. That’s the way God set it up.
Learning to Honor
Verse 2 begins: “Honor your father and mother.” The emphasis here is on the attitude, not merely the act, of obedience. This quotation from the 5th Commandment describes a heart disposition. It rules out reluctant obedience.
A week ago when I spoke in chapel at PCS, I spoke on the theme of obedience from the life of Jonah. Even though Jonah eventually did what God wanted him to do, he did it with a bad attitude and out of disrespect for God. We see that in chapter 4 where Jonah is pouting under a tree after God acts in accordance with His character. I shared an illustration with the students that will help us get the flavor of what God wants.
A little boy was standing on the kitchen table, jumping up and down. The dad told him to get down. The boy kept jumping. The dad raised his voice and told him to get off the table and to sit down on the chair. The boy finally stopped, climbed off the table and sat on the chair, crossed his arms and boldly declared, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside.”
External compliance that hides an insubordinate heart is not God-honoring obedience. Honor is to be the attitude behind the act. Obedience without honor is nothing more than hypocrisy, and we know that hypocrisy is a sin. While parents cannot always judge the heart, it’s usually pretty easy to tell when a child has an attitude problem. Parents, it’s wise to discipline children more for their attitudes than for their actions.
Proverbs 12:1 says, “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.” If we can catch defiance at the point of attitude, a lot of disobedient behavior can be avoided. Children whose attitudes are right whose honor for their parents comes from the heart will retain that deep respect and love for their parents throughout life.
Honor is the most important ingredient in any family relationship. As husbands and wives honor each other they can have a marriage that moves toward oneness and intimacy. When parents honor their children, their kids will know that they’re accepted, that they’re unique, that they’re secure, and that they have a purpose in life. And, when children honor their parents, the family will be healthy as kids learn and grow in an environment of love and acceptance.
The word “honor” literally means a “heavy weight.” [Hold up a barbell] It implies that we assign the greatest possible weight to a person in terms of respect by holding them in “high regard.” To honor someone is to measure his or her value on a scale and concluding that it is “heavy.” On the other hand, to “dishonor” means to treat someone as if they were “light or insignificant.” [Hold up a cotton ball and blow it away] It would be used to describe a child that treats his parents lightly because he or she does not value them.
Profiting from the Promise
The giving of the Fifth Commandment comes with a promise in Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Paul underscores this in Ephesians 6:2 by saying that this is the first commandment with a promise. Actually, this is the only commandment of the 10 that spells out the benefits of keeping it. This one alone conveys a specific pledge of blessing and prosperity to those who obey it it is so vital that God Himself underscored it by the inclusion of a promise.
Look at verse 3: “That it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” We see two aspects of this pledge:
1. Quality of Life. “That it may go well with you.”
2. Quantity of Life. “And that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Those who honor their parents tend to live fuller, longer lives than those who grow up treating their parents as insignificant. Do you want your life enriched and extended? If so, then honor your parents.
Friends, this is not an ironclad guarantee that the reward for honoring and obeying is always a long and rich life. Some who honor and obey their parents die at a young age. But all exceptions to the rule aside, it is certainly true that obedience results in a longer, more harmonious life, and a defiant attitude always causes misery, and often causes people to die before their time. When children obey their parents in the Lord, they will escape a good deal of sin and danger and avoid those things that could threaten or shorten their life.
In other words, submission to parents is in the child’s own best interest. It is not only right in God’s eyes; it is also best for the child and for our society. Obedience will keep a child from a world of harm, will save him from a lifetime of bitterness, anger and resentment. And, it will generally prolong life and make it fuller and richer. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?
Let me summarize. Children, you are to obey your parents in your actions as part of your Christian duty because it is the right thing to do. And, you are to honor your parents in your attitude by demonstrating respect for them so that you’ll live a happier and longer life.
Closing
I want to ask a couple questions to those of you who are kids and teenagers. Are you honoring or dishonoring your parents? Do you consider their advice and their role in your life “weighty” or “insignificant”? Proverbs 1:8 challenges us to heed what our parents tell us: “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”
Parents, are you showing honor to your kids, or do you more often treat them as something not very valuable? Are you calling your kids to an attitude of obedience that is reflected in their actions? Are you doing what Ephesians 6:4 commands us to do by bringing “…them up in the training and instruction of the Lord?”
Adults, are you honoring your aging parents today even though you are no longer living under their authority? Are you looking for ways to demonstrate care and concern? Leviticus 19:32 says that we are to, “Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God.” While Beth and I have not had to do this yet, we want to be ready to care for our parents if they need us. 1 Timothy 5:3-4 says, “Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
I read recently about a Jewish Rabbi who was known for the way he highly esteemed his mother. When she wished to get up on her bed, he would stoop down and bend over so that she could use his back as a “stool.” On another occasion, his mother’s sandal split and broke so she had to walk across the country barefoot. The son responded by putting his hands under her feet as she took each step so that she wouldn’t hurt her feet on the rough stones.
Friends, that’s what honoring someone is all about. We need the help of Jesus to do that. Actually, we need to be like Jesus in order to be the kind of child He wants us to be and in order to be the kind of parent he wants us to be.
