This morning, we conclude our message series, Restoring Hope for Marriage. I thought we would have two more messages, one on conflict resolution and the other on intimacy. But after reflecting on the previous five messages and on today’s message, I realized we’ve covered the basic skills and attitudes to restore a broken relationship and to foster closeness in that relationship, as far as it depends on us.
Our final topic is communication. Communication can be a source of disappointment or a source of joy in marriage. A lack of communication causes the husband and wife to drift apart. And poor communication leads to misunderstandings. Misunderstandings in turn can lead to a series of conflicts and hurts. Good and regular communication, on the other hand, can build a strong and intimate marriage and resolve conflicts before they become a negative relational pattern in marriage.
Communication involves more than conversation, but conversation is a significant part of communication, conflict resolution and intimacy. In fact, many wives experience a greater sense of intimacy through conversation than through sex. Yet both husbands and wives will benefit tremendously by improving their verbal communication skills.
James 1:19 will provide the outline for our message on communication.
James’ letter to the church addresses how the Christian’s relationship with God affects his or her relationship with others, and not just one hour a week in a building called “church.” Our relationship with God colors the way we see life, what we say, how we say it, what goals we have in life, how we arrive at these goals and how we relate to others, both the rich and the poor.
Communication is also God’s idea and is central to life with others. Communication is what enables relationship to take place, whether with God, with our coworkers or with our spouse. While the context for this morning’s passage addresses how we can benefit from responding to God’s Word, the same principles apply to how we can benefit from responding to our spouse’s words. Let’s look together at how to become a better communicator.
First, to become a better communicator, we must learn to become a good listener. “Everyone should be quick to listen …”
In school, we are taught to read and write, and maybe to speak. But rarely are we taught to listen. Some of us end up with the false belief that listening is for those who don’t have anything important to say or who are not articulate. We need to discard that false belief.
We need to know how to listen and what to listen for. Only then will we know how to respond to what we hear and gain valuable information, knowledge or wisdom. And in marriage, when we listen well, we know how to respond to our spouse and create a rich and meaningful relationship. There are at least four considerations to help us listen well.
When we listen, listen for God. We can listen for God when we pray, but we can also listen for God when you speak with others, including your spouse. God’s Spirit is in Christians, bringing biblical truth into our minds at the appropriate time. We can miss God’s help if we don’t listen for Him.
This past week was very exhausting. On top of the weekly responsibilities, I moved into our new home. On Wednesday Clifford helped me load and unload three vans full of things over to our new home. I loaded and unloaded another three vans full of things on my own before Saturday’s move of the furniture.
As I dragged my tired body around during the week, I said to Susan, “I wish I were as strong as Clifford. He didn’t even break a sweat.”
Susan replied, “But you’re cute.”
I rolled my eye and said, “Cute doesn’t help move things.”
Susan came back with, “Yeah, but you move me.”
I didn’t say it then, but that made me smile inside. I sensed God’s Spirit affirm, “I gave your wife to encourage you.” In conversation with our spouse, we must remember that not only is our spouse speaking to us, but God is also speaking to us. Otherwise, we can miss what God wants to do through our spouse’s words, whether to encourage us or to admonish us.
Sometimes God’s Spirit may say, “Put her interest before your own.” Other times, God’s Spirit may say, “Here’s your chance to bring out the best in him.” Or God may say, “Let it go. Vengeance is mine; I will repay.”
What else do we listen for? Listen for what is being said. Don’t let the obvious get by you. Many husbands are watching TV, reading the newspaper or working on the computer while trying to carry on a conversation with their wife. Other times, we are not listening to one another but we are busy composing our response to what we think we heard. Either way, we don’t hear what is really being said.
Next, listen for why it is being said. Later the same day, when Susan began to unpack clothes from a suitcase to hang in the closet of our new home, I asked her not to hang them up until I clean the closet. She went ahead and hung up the clothes anyways.
When we got back to our old place, I told her I wish she had not hung up the clothes, because I saw how dusty the closet was. She instantly responded, “You’re just anal.” (Anal means obsessed and rigid.)
That statement hurt. That statement didn’t only hurt my pride as a balanced person, but it also insulted my parents, who raised me to keep the house clean to a certain standard. I also was tired and more vulnerable and irritable.
So I went on to justify why she should not have hung up the clothes, and she went on to justify why she did. Then I got to thinking about the message I would teach this morning, and I asked myself, “Why did Susan say what she said?”
Then it became obvious that she was exhausted and feeling unappreciated for her help. She was probably responding to what she perceived was my criticism of her poor judgment. When I listened for why she said what she said, I told her, “I appreciate your help to unpack things. You did a good job. Thank you. I love you.”
And she replied with a smile, “I know your trick.” She was in the worship service when I taught on Christ-like attitudes in marriage. A loving attitude can resolve a conflict before it escalates.
Next, “Listen for how our spouse wants us to respond.” In most cases, our spouse includes hints of how she wants us to respond. Sometimes, Susan simply wants me to listen. She is not looking for answers or instruction. Other times, she wants my input. When I’m not clear on what she wants, I ask, “What would you like me to do?”
Second, to become a good communicator, we must learn to become a guided speaker. “… slow to speak …”
In a book on interpersonal skills, the author suggested that we always pause before answering, so that the other person feels we’ve given thought before responding or to give the impression that the response to the questions was not so easily attained. I don’t believe James was encouraging this face-saving technique.
James wants us to listen first, and not just to what is being said, but to what God may be saying, why the person is saying what she is saying and how she wants us to respond. Listening to all these takes time and slows down our response. But only speech guided by listening well will foster good communication.
In addition to speaking guided by listening to our spouse, the Apostle Paul reminds us in Ephesians 4:15, “… speak the truth in love.” This is speaking guided by God’s Word. Make sure what we say is true and loving.. We can never say too many things that are true and loving. In fact, if you make an effort to say ten things that are true and loving everyday to your spouse, you will build a stronger marriage.
True and loving is not the same as true or loving. True or loving can be hurtful or deceiving. It may be true that your spouse is overweight but to say that he is may not be loving. It may be loving to say that his overweight does not make you less attracted to him, but it may not be true. Make sure what we say is both true and loving.
Finally, to become a good communicator, we must learn to become a gentle responder. “… slow to become angry.”
“Slow to become angry” does not mean we are never angry or we hold in our anger for as long as possible before letting it out. Slow to become angry, like slow to speak, suggests that time is taken intentionally to listen well. Listen for God. Listen for what is being said. Listen for why it’s being said. Listen for what response is needed.
Many times, we are angry, because we forget God is in control. We take matters into our own hands. Other times, we are angry, because we misheard what was said. We can be angry when we don’t take into account the speaker’s motive or circumstance. And there are times, when our anger comes from not understanding what is expected of us.
When we realize how often we do not listen well, we must be careful to respond with gentleness. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath….” Anger is good for getting attention but terrible for building relationship. Communication is about building relationship, not just getting attention.
You can summarize this morning’s message in these words, “A good communicator is a good listener, a guided speaker and a gentle responder.” And God is the excellent Communicator, who listened to our deepest longing for peace with Him. He then spoke to us with His Word on how to experience peace. Finally, He responded gently by sending Jesus Christ to bring peace between God and mankind.
