Iliff and Saltillo UM Churches
September 5, 2004
“Dealing with Grief”
John 14:1-6
I Thess. 4:13, 14
Introduction: This week marks the third anniversary of 9/11, that horrible day when we saw unfolding before our very eyes on TV where terrorists brought death and destruction to the lives of 3000 Americans. From out of nowhere at 8:45 a.m. on September 11, 2001, disaster struck with such an impact that our lives have never gone back to the way we used to live.
Think back to that morning. Where were you when you first heard the news? What were you doing when terrorists brought destruction to our homeland? I remember just beginning our vacation. However, our van was in a repair shop that morning in Peoria, Illinois, when the mechanic heard the first report on the radio--the World Trade Center had been hit. The Pentagon has been hit. And another plane went down in Pennsylvania.
People have been dealing with grief experienced from the traumatic events of that morning--not only in New York but at the Pentagon and in Shanksville, Pa. for three years now. Much has taken place in the lives of individuals as well as the rebuilding of structures and the shaping of policies to make America a safer place. We have seen successes in some areas and failures in others.
You might say, “I didn’t experience what they experienced that day. Even though I saw the horrible tragedy on TV, it was not in my hometown. It didn’t seem real. It didn’t change my daily life for the most part. That is probably true to a great extent, however, we know that at some time in our lives, we all face situations of grief that cut us to the very core. Normally we associate grief with death, but it also comes in other forms as well. Job losses, divorce, accidents, illness, aging, acts of violence, health emergencies and personal upheavals all contribute to grieving experiences. People in Florida have been going through the losses of a devastating hurricane. Now another hurricane is headed their way. What will happen next.
We wish that it weren’t so and we would like to protect our family and friends from having to go through painful and trying times. We can’t always do that because this is one of the realities of life that we can’t avoid.
When we view the happenings of 9/11 or the situations of ourselves or others, we notice that each person has a slightly different way of dealing with his or her grief. One person may cry uncontrollably, another may react in anger, and another may be overcome by a blank stare. Some may walk away. Some may experience deep depression. In the midst of death or other losses there are many different emotions and there is no pat answer that we can come up with that makes things better overnight.
Let’s see what we can get out of today’s scriptures that will help us in our struggles with losses.
1. Grief is Something to Go Through, Not Hold On To: Grief is a powerful thing and it serves a good purpose. It is a healing thing that is a way to let go of a lot of pain. But it is something to GO THROUGH, not hold on to.
Why are Christians not exempt from these sorrowful experiences? Why are we not insulated from it? We live in an imperfect world. Since the fall of man into sin, sorrow is an integral part of our lives. In Genesis 3:17 God said to Adam, “Cursed is the ground because of you, through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken from dust you are and to dust you will return.” This scripture shows that there will be snags and problems and sorrows as we live in a fallen and imperfect world. David goes on to say, “The length of our days is seventy or eighty if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow...” ( Psalm 90:10). Scripture says that even Jesus was “despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering” (Isaiah 53:3).
In spite of the fact that grief is a very complex emotion filled with sadness, anguish, anxiety, fear, doubt, loneliness, helplessness, and despair, yet it is something that we are intended to GO THROUGH--not hold on to forever. In one of the most comforting Psalms, David expressed this thought when he said, “Even though I WALK THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, FOR YOU ARE WITH M.” (Psalm 23:4).
Many times people will say, “Oh, I can never get over this sorrow. I will take it to the grave with me.” Scripture points out that God never intended that to happen to us because this is the way that Satan is trying to rob us of the abundant life that Jesus promised us.
A time of sorrow is one of the most troubling and trying times for people and a time when Satan can come in and beat us down the most if we let it.
Expect to WALK THROUGH grief to a new day. It may take awhile because the stages of grief are not neatly defined. You usually will not pass from one orderly state to the next in a set amount of time.
ILLUSTRATION: It is said that grieving is like going down a road that turns and twists, climbs hills and goes down into valleys, crosses rivers and plains. Some have described it like going through a dark tunnel.
The big thing is not to get stuck along the way. Grieving is meant to be a growing experience. Job said, “but he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold” (Job 23:10). EXPECT TO GO THROUGH the time of grief and sorrow and come out of it a stronger person. Know that God, for a certainty, will get you through it. Why? How can you be so sure?
David said, “for YOU are with me” {Psalm 23:4).
2. Special Problems in Grieving: Although we KNOW God is with us and that we are PRETTY SURE he will help us to come to the end of our sadness, some days we start out able to accept what has happened but by noon we’re plunged into despair again. We are often filled with questions. Why did God let this happen to me? What could I have done better? Why did this happen to me NOW? What is God’s purpose in it? Fears move in with questions. How am I going to make it now? What is going to hit me next? What is going to happen to me? Sometimes we allow the whys to go on too long. We refuse to move from questions we cannot answer. We sometimes refuse to get UNSTUCK from the place that is dragging us down. We might call that a selfish grief.
STORY: A visitor at a zoo noticed an attendant crying quietly in a corner. The visitor asked another attendant what the man was crying about and was told that one of the elephants had died. Touched by this, the visitor then asked, “I assume he must have been particularly fond of that elephant?”
The reply came back, “No, it’s not that. He’s crying because he’s the one who has to dig the grave.”
To complicate matters sometimes people who grieve become BITTER and ANGRY at God following a loss. When weeks go by, people feel all alone and feel that friends have forgotten them. Then they begin to feel that even God has abandoned them. Psalm 77:1 David says, “I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord at night. I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.”
Sometimes even when you pray, you don’t feel the presence of God anywhere to be found. We feel alone. Where is the help I need NOW? David repeats the same prayer again in Psalm 88. He has not received comfort yet. Do you ever feel that you can’t get an answer from God? Do you ever feel that your friends are getting tired of hearing your story over and over? David felt this way in Psalm 38:11 when he said, “my friends and companions avid me because of my wounds and my neighbors stay far away.”
ILLUSTRATION: One time a friend of ours found out that he had melanoma cancer on his face. He had it removed, but then it came back in another place. This went on for some time. He had a close friend who he had known for years and this person had always called him and stopped by and took him to the Farmers’ Market. All of a sudden his friend dropped him like a hot potato. He stopped calling, didn’t stop by any more. He just dropped out of the picture altogether. Charlie was really hurt by this because he couldn’t figure out why his friend would do this. We didn’t know why either.
After our friend’s death we found out why. His friend had another friend who died of cancer and he didn’t want to face it again. Sometimes we shrink back when we don’t know what to “say” but we have to SAY anything?
STORY: A little girl who lost a playmate in death one day reported to her family that she had gone to comfort the sorrowing mother.
“What did you say?” asked her father.
“Nothing,” she replied. “I just climbed up on her lap and cried with her.”
Ruth Bell Graham came up with a poem that says a lot in this regard.
“Don’t talk to me yet;
the wound is fresh,
the nauseous pain
I can’t forget
fades into numbness
like a wave,
then comes again.
Your tears I understand,
But grief is deaf;
It cannot hear the words
you gently planned and tried to say.
But...
Pray...
Although there are problem areas to face in grieving over losses, it is not insurmountable. It is a major traumatic experience that takes time. When things seem to get better, special occasions such as birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries often upset the progress. But the time of reconciliation and recovery will come. A regaining of interest in the ordinary activities of one’s life starts to return. The gloominess of grief’s night gives way to the dawning of a new day in which there is again joys and smiles. God’s work in our grief is powerful. Paul wanted the Christians at Thessalonica to understand the comfort that comes to Christians. He said to them, “we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep or TO GRIEVE like the rest of men who have no hope, we believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.”
The Message Bible brings out this point--as Christians we should not grieve like people who have no hope. This same verse says, “We don’t want you to be in the dark any longer. First of all, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus.”
3. Our Greatest Comfort: Today’s scripture in John 14 shows our Source of greatest comfort. In John 14:1 , Jesus told his troubled disciples, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me.” He wanted them to know as well as us to know that He is our comfort. We hold to this promise that in times of crisis, He is our help and our strength. The Message Bible sums up the thought by saying, “Don’t let this throw you. You trust God, don’t you? Then trust me.”
CONCLUSION: 1. Remember that grief is something you go through, not hold on to.
2. Remember that there are special problems in grieving but that God, for a certainty, will get you through it.
3. Remember that He is our Source of Greatest Comfort.
Let us Pray:
