Dealing With Difficult People
Genesis 16:1-10
Jesus reduced the ten commandments down to just two. We are love God with all of our heart, and our neighbor as ourselves. It isn’t so hard to love a God who is good, and values us so highly. However, when we begin to love others as we love ourselves it is not quite so easy. Some people are just plumb hard to love. They aren’t nearly as good as God, and they sure don’t value us high enough to die for us. It probably doesn’t take you very long to think of a person in your life who is difficult to love, but it may surprise you to know how much the Bible has to say about difficult relationships. Let’s look in on some difficult people in the Bible. If ever there was a family exhibiting difficult behavior, it is the family of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
(Read Genesis 16:1-10)
I IT IS MORE ACCURATE TO REFER TO DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR THAN DIFFICULT PEOPLE.
Which one of the three is this passage, would be the difficult one? A case could be made for all three of them. Abram, Sari, and Hagar all exhibited difficult behavior at some point in the passage, but it would not be fair to label them as difficult people. Labeling people as difficult too quickly may be inaccurate, and doesn’t allow people a chance to change. It may also cause us to write them off, and we may miss the opportunity to know a wonderful person.
King David would not be considered a difficult person by most people, but Uriah’s family would complain that he exhibited difficult behavior at least for a year. He stole Uriah’s wife Bathsheba, and had Uriah killed. This is why we refer to difficult behavior rather than difficult people most of the time.
II EVERYONE EXHIBITS DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR SOMETIME TO SOMEONE.
In this passage Sari was difficult to Hagar, and Hagar was difficult to Sari in return. Lot was Abram’s nephew who came with him to Canaan. However, when they grew too large and their herdsmen began to fight they had to separate. Abram generously offered Lot the first choice of land, and Lot selfishly chose the best for himself. Abram was kind enough to bring him along, and Lot in a selfish move was difficult to dear uncle Abram. Fill out the Jerk Checklist I handed out, and see if you may even be difficult sometime. You know we often see the other person as the difficult one. However, if you know a lot of difficult people you are probably a difficult person to get along with yourself.
III A DIFFICULT PERSON IS A MATTER OF PERCEPTION
(the way you see it)
I am sure Sari thought Hagar was the difficult one, and not herself. On the other hand I am Hagar thought Sari was the difficult one, and she was only the innocent victim. Two people can experience the same event, but they may experience it differently. "Ibis is because we view everything through the filter of our past experiences, and we chose the stories we tell ourselves about the facts of our lives.
In my family growing up I thought my sister was favored because she was the youngest, but she said she thought I was always favored by mom and dad. I guess our parents must have done a good job of being fair, because both of us thought the other was favored. You see we both experienced the same events, but we perceived them differently. This is why even Jesus could be viewed by some as a difficult person. He was perfect, but I’m sure the moneychangers in the temple he drove out thought he was very difficult.
I talked to a pastor friend of mine and his wife this week, and they illustrated this point very well in conversation. They were speaking about a person from their former church, and the wife thought this person was very difficult. However, my friend didn’t share his wife’s opinion of this person. They experienced essentially the same thing pastoring this church, but they perceived it differently. Therefore, you may think a person is difficult, but others may not share your perception. A little later in the message you will gain insight into why that may be so.
IV IT IS EASIER TO SEE DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR IN ANOTHER PERSON THAN IN YOURSELF
It was easy for Sari to see the difficult behavior exhibited by Hagar, but I doubt if she ever saw it in herself. Hagar, on the other hand, saw difficult behavior oozing out of Sari, but would not have seen her behavior as difficult. This is why in Matthew chapter seven and verse three Jesus can talk about a person seeing a speck in someone else’s eye, but failing to see a log in our own eye. In Luke chapter twelve and verse thirteen a man comes to Jesus and asks him to tell his brother to divide their father’s estate with him. The strange response of Jesus was to warn him of greed in himself. You see, this man could see how selfish and greedy his brother was being, but Jesus showed him that his request indicated there was also selfish greed in him. He could see it in his brother, but he could not see it in himself.
V THERE ARE DEGREES OF DIFFICULTY IN A PERSON
It is a little hard to see the degrees of difficulty in this passage, but if you follow the family of Abram it is clear. Lot’s selfish choice may have been difficult behavior, but his difficulty did not begin to come close to Laban’s. You will also see in a later message how the proper response to both of these people is different because of the degree of difficulty in them. If you have forgotten how difficult Laban was; allow me to remind you. He was the one who let Jacob work for seven years for his beautiful daughter Rachel, but on their wedding night switched Rachel with the older and unattractive daughter Leah. He then required seven more years of work from Jacob to get Rachel.
Paul Meier says that the degree of difficulty in a person is in proportion to the selfishness in them. We are born completely selfish, and we don’t care what mom and dad have to do to meet our needs. As we grow older we are supposed to become mature, and this will enable us to yield our rights for the good of others. However, older age does not always mean maturity.
I believe God designed marriage to challenge whatever selfishness that remains in us. God designed marriage in such a way that you can be selfish and be successful in marriage. If this doesn’t work God often sends children along to curb selfishness still alive in us. In spite of God’s best efforts some people remain completely self-centered all of their lives, and these people are going to exhibit difficult behavior. The root of all relationship problems is selfishness in one or both of the parties involved. Laban was totally self-centered, and didn’t seem to care whom he hurt to get his own way. He had no concern for the welfare of Leah to give her to a husband who didn’t want her, and then give the beautiful younger sister to the same husband was inviting disaster. The scriptures tell the story of the constant problems resulting from Laban’s selfish behavior. This simply illustrates what you already knew: some people are more difficult to get along with than others.
VI THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO YOU WILL DETERMINE HOW DIFFICULT THEY WILL BE TO YOU, AND WILL DETERMINE HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM EFFECTIVELY.
Abram and Lot were not immediate family, and so they could separate when the relationship became difficult. Therefore, when their herdsmen began to fight they simply decided to part company on good terms. In Genesis chapter twenty-one Abram sends Hagar away to solve his difficult behavior. He could do this because she was only a secondary wife to him. Jacob, on the other hand, could not send Rachel or Leah away, because they were both primary wives. So you sec, your relationship to the difficult person will greatly affect the way you have to deal with them. If the difficult person is your boss you must respond differently than you would if the difficult person is your child. Therefore, you will have to take into account what your relationship is to the difficult person before you decide how you are going to respond to them.
VII WE JUDGE WHETHER A PERSON IS DIFFICULT OR NOT, IN LARGE, BY HOW THEY TREAT US.
Although Abram and Sari may have said that Hagar was difficult I doubt if her son Ishmael would agree. His experience with his mother was probably a very positive one, and so his opinion of her was different from Sari’s. In the same way we determine our estimate of a person primarily by our interaction with them. I’m sure Joseph didn’t think Jacob’s favoring him was difficult at all. After all, he received special treatment from dad. The other brothers viewed their father’s favoring of Joseph as very difficult, and their decision to sell him reflects their hostility toward their father as well as Joseph.
In fifteen years of pastoring I have only encountered one person I would categorize as difficult. I know there are many who would concur with my perception, but I also know one person who thinks this person is a saint. This person was an elderly woman, who my difficult person, showed a special interest in. This elderly woman never saw the difficult behavior I had to endure, and so she had a far different opinion of her.
VIII THE DEFINITION OF A DIFFICULT PERSON
I deliberately didn’t give a definition of a difficult person until now. I wanted you to work with a definition in your own mind before I gave you a definition. One helpful definition was give by my instructor Ingrid Buch Wagler, and it goes like this: "One who regularly opposes me (or those I am responsible for) in a selfish, sinful way that is hurtful or destructive to me and/or others." Paul Meier defines a difficult person in more modern terms as a jerk. "A Jerk is one exhibiting any selfish thoughts or behaviors that are ultimately harmful to someone." Take a look at Dr. Les Parrot’s checklist for a high-maintenance relationship to get a handle on whether you are presently in a relationship with a difficult person. I passed this checklist out so you could get a more objective look at your difficult relationships. Now I want to close with some biblical models that have helped me personally reduce the difficult people in my life.
IX BIBLICAL MODELS FOR REDUCING THE NUMBER OF DIFFICULT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.
#1 Look behind the Behavior to the Instigator (Matthew 16)
In Matthew chapter sixteen Jesus told his disciples he was going to the cross to die. Peter rebuked him, and told him to stop talking like that. Strangely Jesus did not rebuke Peter, but he rebuked Satan for speaking through Peter. Jesus knew who the true originator of those words was, and it wasn’t Peter. When difficult people come against me I simply see them as pawns of Satan, and not the ones trying to destroy me. I realize they often, like Peter, do not realize they are being used by Satan to try to harm me. This helps me respond to them in a positive way, and not have so many negative feelings toward them. This does not absolve them from personal responsibility for their difficult behavior. Jesus goes on to show Peter he has allowed Satan to speak through him, and from this Peter is more aware of the source of his thoughts before he speaks them.
#2 Believe the Best (1 Corinthians 13:7)
The King James Version says "Love believes all things." This does not mean to love you have to believe everything you are told, but it means you believe the best about a person until you must believe otherwise. It is placing a good motive behind people’s actions, or refusing to believe bad things about another until it is absolutely certain. Someone told me a lady in our church was having an affair, and I said I don’t believe it. It turned out that I was right, but that’s not the point. We only know what a person actually does, but we don’t know the motive behind it. Therefore, we should believe they have a good reason or motive for doing it. Someone could have seen my vice-chairman and myself coming out of a gay bar in Port Huron Michigan, and have assumed we were homosexual. Or they could have assumed we had a good reason for being in there. The truth is we were witnessing, but someone could have spread some great gossip if they didn’t practice this biblical model.
#3 Overcome evil with Good (Proverbs 25:21--22; Romans 12:20)
This particular model is seen in many places in the Bible, and exemplified by Jesus during his trial. When someone does something hurtful to you this model says you don’t do something hurtful in return, but instead you do something good to them. Jesus said even people of the world are good to those who are good to them, but he called his followers to do good to those who do bad things to us (Matthew 5:38 ff.) If we don’t fight back then the conflict usually goes away. I had two ladies telling lies about me at a past church, and so I just treated them with love as if I didn’t know. I led both of them to the Lord, and they became some of my greatest supporters. This model really works in life situations.
#4 A Soft Answer (Proverbs 15:1)
The final model says, "A soft answer turns away wrath." Have you ever had someone really get in your face and holler at you? This model instructs us not to holler back at them, but instead to stay calm and respond softly. This will often defuse an explosive person, and you can then deal with the issue in question. However, if you respond in kind the situation will escalate into a full-blown yelling match. I had to use this model in the past week, and it worked. The person called back and apologized for their behavior.
Conclusion:
These are not the only ways to respond to difficult people, and we will examine the Bible further in the next sermon to find other models. In fact, these models may not work with extremely difficult people. They are never the wrong response, but sometimes there are other things we may need to do in addition to these. Come back next week and we will look at this topic further.
