OPEN: A married couple had a boy that was difficult to raise. He caused all types of trouble in school, in the neighborhood and at home.
One year, the couple went on a trip to Europe while the boy stayed with relatives back home. As they went from one country to another they would send back postcards to their son of the sights they would see. They visited France, and Germany and several other lands. When they were in Greece, they sent back a postcard to their son with this message: “Today on our tour we came to a cliff over which Greek women were said to have once thrown their defective children…. Wish you were here.”
APPLY: Some kids are like that. Some kids are just EXTREMELY difficult to do anything with. And that’s true often enough that a number of books have been written about how to be better parents and how to deal with difficult children.
Now it’s worth while to know how to be a better parent. And these books are no doubt well researched and extremely helpful. But I have found that when it comes to understanding how to be a good parent - sometimes it’s valuable to observe what makes a parent FAIL. To look at how a dad or mom DIDN’T do their job right and find ways of making sure WE don’t mess it up in that same way.
Here in our text today, we have the story of a man who’s an excellent example of how not to be a parent. We have a man who failed to be a good father in this situation and who – because he failed created a recipe for disaster that eventually threatened to tear down his entire household.
We have a man named David. And the son he failed was Absalom.
I. Now, let me to tell you the story of Absalom
Absalom was the 3rd born son of David by his wife Maacah. He was a strikingly handsome young man. 2 Samuel 14:25-26 tells us that “In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. Whenever he cut the hair of his head— he used to cut his hair from time to time when it became too heavy for him— he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard.
Now Absalom was not only strikingly handsome/he had strikingly beautiful sister named Tamar. In fact, she was so beautiful that her half-brother Amnon fell into lust over her and conspired to get her alone… and then raped her.
When David found out about this wickedness he became very angry. But as far as we know, he did nothing.
BUT when Absalom found out about his sister’s rape - he was angry too - but he intended to do something about it. First he moved Tamar into his own house and supplied for her needs the rest of her life. That’s what Amnon SHOULD HAVE DONE… had he been a righteous man. But of course Amnon wasn’t a righteous man. He was a very wicked man. He literally didn’t deserve to live. And Absalom intended to rectify that problem. He plotted for the next 2 years to take Amnon’s life. When the time was right, Absalom invited Amnon to a party a few miles away on the border of Ephraim. And while Amnon was there, Absalom got him drunk and then had him murdered.
Then Absalom fled to the north, to his grandfather’s kingdom in the land of Geshur. And there Absalom remained in exile for the next 3 years.
But all the time he was gone, Scripture tells us David longed to have Absalom back. “The spirit of the king longed to go to Absalom” 2 Samuel 13:39
Finally, David does call Absalom back to Israel. But it appears that Absalom’s anger wasn’t reserved only for Amnon. There is a possibility that he was also deeply angry with his father and may have intended to kill David at the same party Amnon was invited to. We read in the text that Absalom implored David to attend this feast as well and only after being repeatedly turned down did he settle only for Amnon.
But, when Absalom returned to Jerusalom, he plotted to take the throne away from his father. He curried favor with the people and built up an army to overthrow King David. When the time was right, he launched his coup and David was forced to flee Jerusalem … fleeing into the wilderness where his forces eventually defeat those of Absalom. Absalom fled on his donkey, and as he rode through a forest, his head got caught in the branches of an oak tree, and as he hung there, Joab (David’s commander-in-chief) killed him with 3 javelins thrust thru his heart.
It’s not a pretty story.
II. Like I said, this is a story of a father who failed his son…and his failure led to the near destruction of his family.
As I studied for this sermon, I noticed there were 3 thing missing from this story that are almost always missing from homes where there is trouble.
1st David doesn’t appear to have admitted his own sins with his sons.
Not too long before these tragic events David had sinned with Bathsheba and conspired to have her husband killed on the field of battle. BUT there is no record of David’s ever sitting down with his boys and explaining that he had sinned and that he was repentant of it..
Now, his sons knew about it everybody in Israel knew about it. It was one of the best known secrets in the Kingdom. And perhaps his sons had even used his sinfulness as an excuse for their own: “Dad did it… why can’t I?”
You know, the problem for too many parents is the fact that when we sin we feel it is somehow beneath us to acknowledge that we had done anything wrong. We make excuses for their behavior. We find ways of saying that it was OK that we did a certain sin. It isn’t right for our children or grandchildren, or nephews and nieces… but we were different. It was ok for us.
Now, I truly don’t know that David DIDN’T confess his sinfulness to his boys, but I DO KNOW that there are mothers and fathers/ grandparents/ uncles and aunts whose life choices effect young men and women who look up to them.
ILLUS: Years ago, I visited with a woman who’d divorced her husband years before. They’d been highly visible workers for Christ when she’d left him. As she sat talking in her living room talking with me she explained that her husband hadn’t beaten her. He hadn’t ran around her. In fact, he had been a decent husband. BUT she didn’t love him… in fact she went to live with another man. As she sat there, she made it clear to me she felt that her decision was the right one for her. She spoke with a determination and defiance that said:
I did nothing wrong
I did what I had to do
I know that the Bible doesn’t approve… but I’d do it again if I had to
And you know what? I met a couple of her grown children… and her grandkids. And the lives of those people that she supposedly loved were an absolute mess. Their lives reflected the wickedness of this woman’s attitude.
You cannot – I repeat – YOU CANNOT disobey God and expect your behavior NOT to have an effect on the people you care for… upon those who look up to you.
ILLUS: Even pagans understand this. Last year, Adam Sandler was promoting his record album “SHHH… DON’T TELL” on MTV and during the interview he said this:
"I think I curse more on this record than ever before. Yeah, the album’s not too tame. In real life, though, I’m a little tamer at home. (My wife) yells at me for that ’cause we’re gonna have a kid and I guess I can’t curse.
I’m in trouble when my kids grows up and one of his friends goes, ’Hey, listen to your dad’s album.’ I’m dead. There’s no way I could win a fight with that kid.
’You did this! And you did that!’ And I’d be like, ’eh… eh… you win.’"
Now Sandler is an idiot… he knows that his behavior will undermine the strength of his family, but he’s going to continue live the way he always has because he loves the fame and financial rewards that accompany the lifestyle he has chosen. BUT EVEN HE UNDERSTANDS that his present sins WILL have an effect on the people he loves.
Now… frankly, that’s about what you’d expect from somebody that doesn’t belong to God. That’s what you’d expect from pagans. But what would you expect a man/woman who supposedly belongs to God?
Well, a man of God would set down with a rebellious son and tell him the truth. A man of God would make NO EXCUSES for his past behavior. This is what David should have done… but it appears he did not.
In Psalms 51:12-13 he declared that he wanted God to “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.” But he didn’t do that with his sons.
The 2nd thing missing from this story is that David looked the other way when his children sinned.
Think about it. David never punished Amnon OR Absalom for what they did. There were certain things that should have happened to Amnon because of his sin with Tamar. There were certain things that should have happened to Absalom because he murdered his brother. BUT DAVID DIDN’T DO THOSE THINGS.
I believe that David was so afraid of losing the love of his children that he looked the other way when they sinned. It tells us that some time after Absalom fled to Geshur that “the spirit of the king longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Amnon’s death.” (2 Samuel 13:39). He loved his son too much to discipline him as he should have.
ILLUS: There are parents who do this all the time. The Duke of Wellington once noted: "The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children."
ILLUS: James Dobson once shared this story:
In the absence of parental leadership, some children become extremely obnoxious and defiant, especially in public places. Perhaps the best example was a 10 year old boy named Robert, who was a patient of my good friend Dr. William Slonecker. Dr. Slonecker said his pediatric staff dreaded the days when Robert was scheduled for an office visit. He literally attacked the clinic, grabbing instruments and files and telephones. His passive mother could do little more than shake her head in bewilderment.
During one physical examination, Dr. Slonecker observed severe cavities in Robert’s teeth and knew that the boy must be referred to a local dentist. But who would be given the honor? A referral like Robert could mean the end of a professional friendship. Dr. Slonecker eventually decided to send him to an older dentist who reportedly understood children. The confrontation that followed now stands as one of the classic moments in the history of human conflict.
Robert arrived in the dental office, prepared for battle.
"Get in the chair, young man," said the doctor.
"No chance!" replied the boy.
"Son, I told you to climb onto the chair, and that’s what I intend for you to do," said the dentist.
Robert stared at his opponent for a moment and then replied, "If you make me get in that chair, I will take off all my clothes."
The dentist calmly said: "Son, take ’em off."
The boy forthwith removed his shirt, undershirt, shoes, and socks, and then looked up in defiance.
"All right, son," said the dentist. "Now get on the chair."
"You didn’t hear me," sputtered Robert. "I said if you make me get on that chair, I will take off ALL my clothes."
"Son, take ’em off," replied the man.
Robert proceeded to remove his pants, and shorts, finally standing totally naked before the dentist and his assistant.
"Now, son, get in the chair," said the doctor.
Robert did as he was told, and sat cooperatively through the entire procedure. When the cavities were drilled and filled, he was instructed to step from the chair.
"Give me my clothes now," said the boy.
"I’m sorry," replied the dentist. "Tell your mother that we’re going to keep your clothes tonight. She can pick them up tomorrow."
Can you comprehend the shock Robert’s mother received when the door to the waiting room opened, and there stood her pink son, as naked as the day he was born? The room was filled with patients, but Robert and his mom walked past them and into the hall. They went down a public elevator and into the parking lot, ignoring the snickers of onlookers.
The next day, Robert’s mother returned to retrieve his clothes, and asked to have a word with the dentist. However, she did not come to protest. These were her sentiments: "You don’t know how much I appreciate what happened here yesterday. You see, Robert has been blackmailing me about his clothes for years. Whenever we are in a public place, such as a grocery store, he makes unreasonable demands on me. If I don’t immediately buy him what he wants, he threatens to take off all his clothes. You are the first person who has called his bluff, doctor, and the impact on Robert has been incredible."
The Bible says you MUST NOT look the other way when your children sin.
· Proverbs 13:24 says He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him
· Proverbs 19:18 tells us “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death
· And Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord
So, the 1st thing that’s missing from this story is that David didn’t acknowledge his sin to his son
The 2nd thing that’s missing is that David looked the other way when his sons sinned
The 3rd thing missing was that David failed to ask God for guidance and help.
Nowhere in this story do we read of David praying to God for guidance.
Nowhere in David’s psalms does he refer to crying out to God for help.
Why wouldn’t he do that? Why wouldn’t David cry out to God for guidance and help in the midst of this terrible mess?
I suspect it’s because David suffered from the same spiritual weakness that effects many Godly men and women. I call it Compartmentalization: the tendency to put our lives in different compartments.
* God’s over here… and our family is over there.
It’s not that we deliberately leave God out of our family life. It’s just that we don’t deliberately include Him. As a result, when things get tough with our kids…
Now, we do talk
Sometimes we TALK kind of loud
In fact… sometimes we EVEN YELL!
BUT, we often fail to talk to God about it.
David failed to do that, in part, because God was OVER THERE. God was not at the center of how he dealt with his family.
(pause…) Putting God at the center of our family lives isn’t easy. You have to work at it. I mean, if David – a man after God’s own heart - failed to keep God front and center you know it’s going to be difficult for people like you and me.
THAT’S WHY GOD TOLD HIS PEOPLE
“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” Deuteronomy 6:6-9
Find ways of impressing your faith on your children. Talk to them about your faith… about Jesus… about your experiences as a Christian. But don’t try to put your kids on… they’ll see right through you and then your witness will become ineffective.
CLOSE:
I took a piece of plastic clay
And idly fashioned it one day,
And as my fingers pressed it still,
It moved and yielded to my will.
I came again when days were past --
The bit of clay was hard at last;
The form I gave it, it still bore,
But I could change that form no more.
I took a piece of living clay
And gently formed it day by day,
And molded with my power and art
A young child’s soft and yielding heart.
I came again when years were gone --
It was a man I looked upon;
He still that early impress wore,
And I could change him nevermore.
Now, I used this poem because it sums up much of what I’ve said today. But there is one major flaw in that poem. It leaves those of us who have failed in our lives with no hope for our children. It implies that our failures doom our children to eternal blackness and failure. For those who belong to this world, that may indeed be true. But we serve living Savior. Our Jesus can even help us to overcome the damage we have inflicted on those we love and care for. Our Jesus is the God Who has the power and desire to transform broken lives and wounded souls. He has the power to make all things new.
If that is the God you need in your life this morning… (invitation).
SERMONS IN THIS SERIES (A Man After God’s Own Heart)
Measuring Up - 1 Samuel 16:1-16:13
Be Prepared/ Scout Sunday - 1 Samuel 17:1-17:53
A Friend After Your Own Heart - 1 Samuel 18:1-18:5
A Heart To Honor Authority - 1 Samuel 24:1-24:22
An Obedient Heart - 2 Samuel 6:1-6:15
A Heart To Worship - 2 Samuel 6:12-6:23
The Heart Of A Shepherd - Psalms 23:1-23:6
The Over-exposed Heart - 2 Samuel 11:1-11:5
The Undeserving Heart - Psalms 51:1-51:1
The Weakened Heart - 2 Samuel 3:17-3:39
The Heart Of A Father - 2 Samuel 13:1-13:39
A Heart to Build - 2 Samuel 7:1-7:17
The Dead Dog Syndrome - 2 Samuel 16:5-16:14
