Marriage Covenant – Fanning the Flame
Ephesians 5:21-33
Christian marriage is more than a contract. It is a covenant commitment. A covenant is an agreement between two parties. It is a solemn promise. God made a covenant with Noah in Genesis 6:18. If Noah was obedient and built an ark God said, “I will solemnly swear to keep you safe in the boat, with your wife and your sons and their wives.” God also made a covenant promise to Noah in Genesis 9:11, “I solemnly promise never to send another flood to kill all living creatures and destroy the earth.”
The Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5 is describing the marriage relationship that is blessed by the Lord. Marriages are blessed when both husband and wife have reverence for the Lord and live in mutual submission.
The submission in Ephesians 5:21 is not an unhealthy submission with either husband or wife serving as a slave to a master. It is a relationship that honors Christ. It is not a relationship where one says, “If you don’t do what I want then I will not do what you want.”
The key to submission here is “reverence for Christ.” We may think we have reverence for Christ but have blind spots in applying Biblical truths to our relationships.
I was a committed Christian when Carollyn and I got married. In fact I was planning on full time ministry when we were married. Carollyn had always said she didn’t want to marry a minister. Both her grandfathers were ministers and her dad was a minister. Then she met me.
I’m sure I had more rough edges than Carollyn when we got married. I know I’m a slow learner. It took me seven years of marriage to begin making smart decisions.
We were in our sixth year of ministry and just beginning to plant a new Free Methodist church in Taylor, Michigan a suburb of Detroit. At the time we had two children in diapers. With all the activities involved in planting a new congregation and building a new church building to prepare for launch Sunday. We had a chaotic life-style. I was gone most evenings and I was not helping out that much with our children.
I received a call from Carollyn one morning. She was crying and said: “Something’s got to change.” “Come home I need to talk to you.” I didn’t have a clue. I thought all was well. I was so task oriented that I failed to read body language. Carollyn carried enough to confront and said, “I can’t continue unless things change.” “I’ve got to have help with our children.”
I faced the reality of Biblical truth, “What does it profit a pastor/church planter to win the community to Christ and lose his wife and family.” From that point on I began to listen. The smartest thing I ever did in my marriage was to begin to listen to my wife. I took responsibility and began to make changes. I had to take responsibility for the choices I made.
Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church and died for the church and gave up his life for her.” To have mutual respect (Eph. 5:33) means we really listen to each other.
Fan the Flame. Last Thanksgiving we traveled to Kansas to be with our son and his family. I spent a couple days working on the church they are remodeling into their new home. I took out five windows and help replace three windows and block up two. It was cold outside so we built a fire in a wood stove. We got the flame burning, but there was a problem keeping it burning. When we closed the door to the store a burst of wind would cause a down draft and snuff out the flame. To keep the fire going we had to open the wood stove door and then the wood would ignite again. Oxygen was needed.
Good marriages are like a burning wood stove. Both marriages and fires need tending. You can’t sit back and say what will be will be? You have to keep fanning the flame. Keep oxygen flowing into the relationship to keep it healthy. A fire will not burn without oxygen. A marriage will not experience health and vitality without fanning several flames.
I. Fan the Flame of Commitment
The marriage vows call for commitment: “I take you to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in plenty and in want, In joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part, and thereto I pledge you my faith.”
Commitment is more than maintaining. Commitment demands daily attention. Commitment means working to make the relationship grow.
In my marriage I realized that I had studied for years books of the Bible, Greek, Hebrew, and many other subjects, but I had given little study on being a good father and husband.
After having three children I was ready for instruction. Carollyn and I attended several days of marriage enrichment by Dr. Norman Wright, A Christian Psychologist. I began reading books on how to be a better father and husband.
Norm Wright in his book, “Communication Key to Your Marriage” tells one wife’s story of her husband’s commitment.
“In 1988, I was diagnosed with (chronic fatigue syndrome). It really changed my life, which had been filled with excitement and vibrancy. My husband, Kelly, has stood with me and become my protector through these years of adjustment. He has taken care of our family when my strength would not allow me. He has held my hand through depression, including ten days in the hospital. He has insisted I needed rest, even if it put more of a burden on him. He has been more than a husband; he has been my best friend, a friend that has stayed closer than any family member. He was my knight in shining armor when I met him and he has proven to be so throughout our 14 ½ years of marriage. I don’t know if I would still walk with the Lord if it were not for his encouragement. Knowing him has been the greatest experience in my life.
That husband fanned the flame of commitment in his marriage. He followed through on his vow “in sickness and in health.”
A second flame that needs to be fanned is the flame of trust.
II. Fan the Flame of Trust
When you take trust out of marriage you have a breakdown in the marriage relationship. Trust may vanish in a short time, but it takes much longer to build trust back
When there is mutual submission and commitment there is also the quality of trust in the marriage relationship. Every wife wants to say of her husband, “I can depend upon my husband to keep his word. There is no flaking off or setting me up for failure. If he says he will be home at a certain time, he’s either there or he calls me. I like that. It gives me a sense of security, and I feel freer with him because of that. Our intimacy level is strong because we trust each other.”
Openness and honesty build trust in the home. Secrets and lies build walls between a husband, wife and children. Someone has said that honesty is like a flue shot. It may give you a short, sharp pain, but it keeps you healthier over the following months.
The third flame to fan in marriage is the flame of love.
III. Fan the Flame of Love.
Ephesians 5:25-30 teaches that love is the foundation for a successful marriage and family. Biblical love is based upon commitment. Satan’s lie is that love is a feeling. Love is a choice. It was not a warm, fuzzy feeling that kept Jesus on the Cross. It was his love and commitment for each one of us that Jesus died and rose again.
The marriage vow says: “To love and to cherish till death us do part, and thereto I pledge you my faith.” Honor and respect fans the flame of love. Eph. 5:33 “…each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Proverbs 12:4 says: “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown.” Make your husband feel like a king, and you’ll be the queen reigning by his side!
Honor - means to “confer distinction” upon someone for recognition of a certain achievement. When a person receives an “honorary degree;” they are given distinction for their service.
You honor your spouse when you lift up your partner with respect. Honor in marriage is conferring distinction upon one another.
One woman described her happiness in marriage like this: “My husband treats me like someone in a room full of antiques. He walks in picks me up and holds me with great care and tenderness. I often feel like I am the most precious thing in our home. He saves the best hours and his best effort for me, and not the television.
Couples that make a Covenant Commitment in Marriage
Fan the flame of commitment
Fan the flame of trust
Fan the flame of love
Fourth they fan the flame of communication.
IV. Fan the Flame of Communication
James 1:19 has helpful truth for effective communication in the family. “Dear friends, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
There are five levels of communication. The first level is the cliché level. “How are you doing today?” “Are you having a good day?” “What’s happening?” The chiche level of communication is a safe level of asking and answering questions.
The second level is sharing of facts and information. “It looks like it’s going to rain today.” “Did you hear the latest about what’s happening in our government?” Sharing facts is relatively safe communication.
The third level is stating opinions. “This is how you should vote and why?” “Let me tell you how to run a successful business.” Many couples get to level three but fail to go to level four and five.
Level four is the feeling level. On this level you say what you’re feeling. “I was really hurt by what you said on the phone today.” A good question is “What are you feeling right now?”
Early in my marriage I was afraid to tell Carollyn my feelings because I felt that if she knew how I was feeling she wouldn’t love me as much. I discovered that when I shared on a feeling level our love increased for each other.
The fifth level is revealing our needs. “I just need you to be patient with me on this.” “I just need for you to hold me for a few moments.”
I read about one couple that used a unique way to work out their differences. A small town newspaper developed a column for interviews with couples in the town that had reached their golden wedding anniversary. A brief history of the couple celebrating fifty years of marriage was outlined. The newspaper posed the same question to each couple: “To what do you attribute the success of your marriage?” Some advocated total honesty, others a shared faith, and others abundant communication.
One man lovingly glanced at his wife and replied: “The secret of our fifty years of marital harmony is quite simple. My wife and I made an agreement the day we were married. If she was bothered or upset about something, she was to get it off her chest and out in the open. We felt it was important for her to get it out of her system. And, if I was mad at her about something, we agreed I would take a walk. So, I guess you can attribute our marital success to the fact that I have led largely an outdoor life.”
As you fan the flame of communication make what you speak positive words and avoid criticizing each other. Norm Wright says: “Controlling the tongue needs to be a continuing aim for every husband and wife because everything that is said either helps or hinders, heals or scars, builds up or tears down.”
#I remember visiting my home in Gypsum during Christmas vacation when I was a junior in College. The local newspaper had announced my call to the ministry and I preached my first sermon in the local Methodist Church. A married couple, living in Gypsum, asked my mother to have me stop by their house and visit them. I had grown up in Gypsum with their adopted son. When I stopped by their house Mrs. Ferring said, “Since you are going into the ministry, we need your help. My husband won’t talk to me.” So I asked Mr. Ferring, “Why don’t you talk to your wife?” He said, “I don’t know.” I encouraged them to talk to each other and had prayer with them.
The silent treatment can hurt sometimes more than saying hurtful words. Silences can be used to avoid controversy, but it can also be used to control, frustrate and manipulate. When silence prevails there is little opportunity to resolve issues and move forward in a relationship.
The words of Paul to the Christian in Thessalonica are needed in every home: “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” (I Thess. 5:11)
Several years ago, a junior high teacher from Minnesota wrote a letter to “Dear Abby” telling the story of a remarkable life lesson she learned from her students. She began by describing a difficult day in her math class when the kids were particularly cranky with one another and discouraged about the lesson. Frustrated, the teacher told the class to put away their math books and place one sheet of blank paper on their desks. She then instructed them to list the names of their classmates along the left-hand side of the page and write next to each name the nicest thing they could think of to say about each person. The impromptu exercise helped, because as the students turned in their assignments, the teacher noticed that everyone was a little more relaxed and at ease.
Over the weekend, the teacher took the time to write each student’s name on a blank page and painstakingly copied the kind thoughts that were expressed about each of the kids. On Monday morning, she handed the students their lists. The room was abuzz with whispers and comments such as, “Wow, really?” “I didn’t know anyone liked me that much!” “I never knew that meant anything to anyone.”
Then the sheets of paper were put away, and the class continued with the students feeling better about themselves and each other.
Years later, the math teacher attended the untimely funeral of one of her students who was killed while serving his country in Vietnam. After the service, the parents of this brave young man approached the teacher and said, “We want to show you something Mark was carrying when he was killed.” The father pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his wallet, and as he unfolded it, the teacher recognized her handwriting. It was the paper from that long-ago assignment consisting of all the nice things the young man’s classmates had said about him! The parents thanked the teacher, saying that their son had always treasured the encouraging words.
Other former students standing nearby spoke up. One smiled sheepishly, saying he kept his list of compliments in his top desk drawer at home. Another said his sheet had been placed in his wedding album. A third person pulled out his wallet and proudly displayed his folded pages as if it were his prized possession.
The greatest investments you can make in your children and family are positive words.
Fanning the flame of commitment, trust, love, and communication help keep a marriage and family aglow with God’s blessing.
