Dr. Roger W. Thomas, Preaching Minister
First Christian Church, Vandalia, MO
The Mystery of Marriage
Ephesians 5:22-33; Proverbs 30:18-19
Dr. Roger W. Thomas, Preaching Minister
First Christian Church, Vandalia, MO
Today we pass the midpoint in our 2005 Season of the Family. This week we celebrate marriage, especially those faithful, long-term marriage examples set by so many of our folk. Let’s have everyone who has been married twenty-five years or more to stand. Let’s give honor to whom honor is due. Those who have been married fifty years or more remain standing. Those married sixty years or more remain standing. Couples, we salute you. Your devotion to one another inspires us all. Your example sets a standard to which the rest of us aspire.
Let me say a special word to some of you who didn’t stand. I know that some of you are single. Others of you are widows or widowers. Some of you are or have been divorced. I am well aware that it is not always comfortable for you when we start talking about marriage in church. But I hope you understand that we all, regardless of marital circumstances, have a stake in good, long-term marriages. We need to honor that even if it is not always our personal experience.
I want to read two scriptures today. The first (Ephesians 5) is probably the New Testament’s most definitive statement on Christian marriage. First, we need to note the context. Ephesians divides into two big sections. The first outlines what Christians believe; the second how Christians behave because of those beliefs. Our text is part of that second section that begins back in the fourth chapter. The theme throughout the last half of the book is about how to live a Christian life in a world of conflicting values. “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received” (Eph 4:1). Chapter five continues on a related note. “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:1). The immediate context of our passage is summed up in 5:15-17, “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.” This leads to our first text.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph 5:21-33).
In the 1st Century that concept of respectful mutual love was a revolutionary idea. It is today in many Middle Eastern countries. Bible commentator William Barclay observes, “Under Jewish law a woman was a thing; she was the possession of her husband, just as much as his house or his flocks or his material goods were. She had no legal right whatever…. In Greek society a respectable woman lived a life of entire seclusion. She never appeared on the streets alone, not even to go marketing. She lived in the women’s apartments and did not join her menfolk even for meals. From her there was demanded a complete servitude and chastity; but her husband could go out as much as he chose, and could enter into as many relationships outside marriage as he liked and incur no stigma.” (Ephesians, p. 199-201).
This passage totally turns that worldview upside down. It calls for both husband and wife to honor, respect, and love the other. This passage is not about who gets to be boss, but about two people each putting the other person first. In another place, Paul explained what makes relationships Christ-like. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil 2:3-4). This principle does not end with a marriage license.
Note also how the passage also finds the foundation of marriage in the same place that Jesus located it—at creation. Both Jesus and Paul quote Genesis 2 to explain the marriage relationship (Mt 19:4-6). I don’t intend to revisit the whole same sex marriage controversy that I talked about for two Sundays a year ago. If you want copies of those messages, just contact the office. But I must say at this point, that because the Bible, especially Jesus, locates the definition of marriage in creation not in social opinion or man-made laws, the meaning of marriage is settled. It is not open for debate for those who look to the teachings of Jesus as their standard. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Period.
But perhaps, the most striking part of the passage is the way it compares the husband-wife relationship to the Christ-church relationship. Serious Bible scholars wrestle with the ending of the passage. ““For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph 5:31-33). How does the discussion of Christ and the church and the teaching regarding husbands and wives fit together? Why does Paul call this a profound mystery? What exactly is Paul driving at? That’s what I want you think about with me today. When we begin to grasp the “mystery of marriage” we will learn something terribly important about our faith and our families.
Our second text provides a key to unlock our first text’s message. Proverbs 30 contains a number of random saying by a wise man known simply as Agur. The last half of the chapter offers an assortment of poetic observations. Beginning in verse 15 Agur cites three things that never satisfy, three things that amaze, three things that make the earth tremble, three small but great things, and three proud things. Note the things that amaze in verses 18-19. Agur actually lists three things and then a fourth. This was the Hebrew way of emphasizing the last as the most important. The fourth item is his real point. Listen to these three thousand year old words:
There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, (now comes the fourth, the most amazing thing of all!) and the way of a man with a maiden.”
Agur says it is amazing. Paul calls a man and a woman becoming one and pledging themselves to one another for life a profound mystery. It is! It is amazing that of all the billions of people on the planet two people could find each other and becoming totally committed to each other. This is amazing on many levels.
Consider the amazing transformation of children into young adults. Boys go from girl haters to girl chasers almost over night. It is both touching and terrifying to watch teenagers fall in and out of love until they find “just the right one.” That anyone survives puppy love and teenage broken hearts is amazing.
We have all seen this transformation. I remember when I was a campus minister at the University of Missouri-Rolla. UMR was and is a predominantly engineering school with an enrollment of almost 90% men. In an almost all male environment, dress codes, manners, and hygiene can get pretty sloppy. Most of the guys wore the same old grubbies day in and day out. When it came time for laundry they would sort through the dirty clothes to find anything that didn’t smell too bad. Rose and I got to the place where we would chuckle when all of the sudden a guy would come into the campus house dressed to the nines and smelling like a perfume factory. We knew he either had a job interview or date. The transformation was total in some cases. The guy looked, acted, and smelled like another person. “There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: … and the way of a man with a maiden.”
The same thing can happen to girls. Our daughter was a case in point. All the time she was growing up, she had this sort of liberated, “I don’t want to be a housewife” sort of attitude. She didn’t care much for domestic duties, especially cooking. Then she met her husband to be. Suddenly she wanted a crash course in cooking. She was constantly on the phone to her mom. “There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand…”
It is amazing that two people find each other. It is amazing how the years deepen love in ways that the young can’t quite grasp. A group of six to eight year olds were asked to explain love. Rebecca, age eight, observed, “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore, so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love." Six year old Tommy said, “Love is like an old woman and an old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
That reminds me of the little boy who was attending his first wedding? After the service his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen", was the little lads reply. “Why do you say that,” asked the cousin. "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up." The preacher said, "4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"
Or the little girl who thought those lines in the marriage ceremony were multiple choice. “You chose “for poorer” didn’t you, Mom” was her observation. It is amazing the level of love and commitment that have kept the marriages in this room together. Most of our long term marriages would tell the younger folk among us that it hasn’t always been easy.
An elderly man lay in a hospital bed with his wife of fifty-five years sitting at his bedside. “Is that you, Ethel, at my side again?” he whispered. “Yes, dear,” she answered. He softly said to her, “Remember years ago when I was in the Veteran’s Hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when we lost everything in a fire. And Ethel, when we were poor – you stuck with me then too.” The man sighed and said, “I tell you, Ethel, you’re bad luck.”
No, making marriage work is not easy. You all know that a large percentage of marriages don’t. Given all the stresses, turmoil, and temptations of our times, it is amazing that any marriages survive. But they do. Most do. Two totally different people, sometimes from completely different backgrounds, find one another, decide to love one another for life, and grow in that love for a lifetime. That is amazing!
It is amazing to see two people totally in love with one another for a lifetime exhibit the very things our text from Ephesians talks about. We have many in this room just like that. A wife who respects and honors her mate. Who does everything she can to care for him and make him look good. Her greatest desire is to make him happy. Husbands who in turn live to care for and provide for their wives. They honor their mate. They would never hurt their wives. Their every decision is to make her happy and fulfilled. Not that they are perfect. Every marriage has its moments. Good marriages not only survive, they thrive. That is amazing! Those marriages deserve to be honored, respected, and their example followed. I hope that is something we can do in this place.
But note how, in our text, Paul weaves back and forth between that bond between a husband and a wife and the bond between Christ and those who have committed their lives to him. He speaks of marriage and then ends with this statement. “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”
Here, I think, is his point. If you think it is amazing that two totally different people could love one another for life, then how much more amazing is it that a perfect and holy God could find and love sinners like us? And that broken and misshaped folk like us could be born again and begin a life-long committed relationship with God? That is amazing.
A mystery? Yes, indeed! Impossible? Not at all! In a broken world, marriages do work. In a sinful world, salvation does happen. Both are amazing beyond compare. Both are marvelous things to behold. Both deserve to be pursued and honored.
Many of you have heard of Joni Eareckson Tada. She is an accomplished Christian artist, author, and advocate for the disabled. Her radio program, “Joni and Friends,” airs regularly on many Christian radio stations. She has been a frequent guest at many Billy Graham Crusades. Joni is probably in her forties now. When Joni was a teenager, she was paralyzed in a diving accident that left her virtually helpless from the neck down and wheel chair bound. Several years ago, long after her accident, Joni married Ken Tada, the man of her dreams. Listen to her description of her wedding day.
“I felt awkward as my girlfriends strained to shift my paralyzed body into a cumbersome wedding gown. No amount of corseting and binding my body gave me a perfect shape. The dress just didn’t fit well. As I was wheeling into the church, I accidentally run over the hem of my dress. It left a greasy tire mark. My paralyzed hands couldn’t hold the bouquet of daisies that lay off-center on my lap. My friends decorated my chair for the wedding. But it was still a big, clunky gray machine with belts, gears, and ball bearings. I certainly didn’t feel like the picture-perfect bride in the magazines.
The Wedding March began. I inched my chair closer to the last pew to catch a glimpse of Ken in front. There he was, standing tall and stately in his formal attire. I saw him looking for me, craning his neck to look up the aisle. My face flushed, and I suddenly couldn’t wait to be with him. I had seen my beloved. The love in Ken’s face had washed away all my feelings of unworthiness. I was his pure and perfect bride.”
Joni applies that experience to our faith. She continues. “How easy it is for us to think that we’re utterly unlovely—especially to someone as lovely as Christ. But he loves us with the bright eyes of a Bridegroom’s love and cannot wait for the day we are united with him forever.” (Adapted from This We Believe: The Good News of Jesus Christ for the World, [Zondervan], p. 222).
That’s why Paul says, “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
The bottom line is this. A lot of people don’t believe Christ’s love because they have never had any reason to believe in real love of any kind. Followers of Jesus, it is your job to show them that in your marriage. Maybe, once they see the human kind of love, they will begin to look for the heavenly kind. That’s what your marriage is all about!
This IS a profound mystery!
***Dr. Roger W. Thomas is the preaching minister at First Christian Church, 205 W. Park St., Vandalia, MO 63382 and an adjunct professor of Bible and Preaching at Central Christian College of the Bible, 911 E. Urbandale, Moberly, MO. He is a graduate of Lincoln Christian College (BA) and Lincoln Christian Seminary (MA, MDiv), and Northern Baptist Theological Seminary (DMin).
