Hey big guy, practice what you preach.
Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk.
Three Reasons to believe that computers are female:
1. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
2. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it and desiring an upgrade.
3. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Three Reasons to believe that computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
Last week: The way wives win.
Father’s day weekend: Conflict revolution.
Last in the series: Reconcilable differences
If you’re a girl or a single woman, you can learn what to look for in a man. Don’t settle for a pseudo man – a cheap substitute. If you’re a married woman, the outline of this talk can be used as a prayer guide. This is prayer fuel for prayer for your husband.
I have to laugh at Bill Cosby’s analysis about who’s really in charge in a marriage. He said, “Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: The wife is in charge. Or, to put it another way, the man not. My proof of the point is a simple one. If any man truly believes that he is the boss of his house, then let him do this: Pick up the phone, call a wallpaper store, order new wallpaper for one of the rooms in the house, and then put it on. He would have a longer life expectancy sprinkling arsenic on his eggs. He’d be auditioning for the Bureau of missing persons.”
God’s Word doesn’t say who’s supposed to have the responsibility to pick out wallpaper. But it does tell us about the responsibility of the wife and the husband in marriage.
Last week, we looked at I Peter 3:1-6 and learned truths about the problems we face in marriage. We saw that marriage problems began at the fall – in the garden. At that point, the heart of the husband’s problem became the problem of the husband’s heart. And the heart of the wife’s problem became the problem of the wife’s heart. God’s perfect plan for marriage was marred.
Instead of husbands leading with love, we fell to one of two extremes – sometimes vacillating between them both.
Passivity or
Abuse.
Instead of wives responding with passion, they fell t one of two extremes – sometimes vacillating between them both.
Door mats or
Brick walls.
And so, sine wrecks our families. The problems in our hearts make for problems in the home.
There’s the passive husband/door mat wife marriage.
There’s the abusive husband/door mat wife marriage.
There’s the passive husband/brick wall marriage.
There’s the abusive husband/ brick wall marriage.
Where is your marriage?
Husbands, God wants you to lead with tenderness.
Wives, God wants you to respond with passion.
Since we are here today to deal with the husband’s responsibilities, we must reemphasize this point: A real man is not passive or abusive. A real man is not impotent or on steroids. A real man leads lovingly. A real man takes initiative with tenderness.
Unfortunately, most men are far more comfortable at taking the initiative in the marketplace than they are in the home. On the job, men develop mission statements, set goals, solve problems, coordinate staff meetings, establish new strategies, create, innovate. They move! But at home, they freeze… until they get mad and then they explode.
There is a male leadership vacuum in our homes!
One of the wives I heard from last week wrote to me, “I truly believe that the reason many women struggle with their Biblical role at home and in the church is because the men in their lives are abusing their role.”
Last week, we considered one of Dr. Phil’s big questions, “How’s it working for you?” In other words, how’s marriage your way working? Why not try it God’s way?
What would happen if we really took God seriously? What if we learned and then lived out our Biblical roles as men and women, husbands and wives?
God doesn’t want less for our lives, but the best for our lives. God’s way liberates us, it frees us, it emancipates us. God’s way will not rob us from anything.
With that as a background, let’s see what God has to say to us today.
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
I Peter 3:7 (NASB)
Howard Hendricks said, “If your faith doesn’t work at home, it doesn’t work."
My faith will work out at home when I live out …
1. … an unbroken commitment.
34% vs. 33%
… live with your wives…
Often, it’s good to emphasize different words in a passage.
Live with your wife. Not live at the office or on the golf course.
Live with your wife. Not somebody else’s wife.
Live with your wife. Not with your girl friend or even your fiancée, but your wife!
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)
But let’s focus on the word “live.” Live with your wife…
The word translated “live” here occurs just one time in the Bible. Literally, it means “to house with.” We use the term housewife, but not house-husband. But in a very real sense, that’s the term used here. Be house-husbands. Live in the house together with your wife. Be domestic.
How much time do you spend at home? Don’t say, “It’s not the quantity of time, it’s the quality of time.” I wonder how many husbands spend too much time at the office because it’s easier work than the work at home?
Too many of us see the home as a place to retreat, refuel, re-launch. It’s like a launching pad. To help me be ready to go back out into the world. But God wants you to impact more than anyone or anything your wife and your kids. Be a house husband.
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
Proverbs 18:22 (NIV)
All of that and more is in this phrase. But some scholars would say that this verse primarily emphasizes this unbroken commitment. Although the culture of that day as well as our day tolerates divorce, God is instructing Christ-following husbands to remain in their marriage. Live with your wife.
The Bible is a realistic book. As we saw last week, it indicates the wife can make life miserable for her husband by being contentious or nagging.
But regardless of the “suffering” a husband might think he endures at the hand (or tongue) of his wife, God says, “stay with her.”
A man will leave his own father and mother. He marries a woman, and the two of them become like one person.
Genesis 2:24 (CEV)
My faith will work out at home if I live out an unbroken commitment.
2. … an uncommon knowledge.
I know some husbands who would say that it would be easier to understand quantum physics than to understand their wives. And guys, I know some wives who would say the same thing about us! But look what God says.
… live with your wives in an understanding way…
Key concepts here are thoughtfulness and preoccupation. A husband who is living with his wife in an understanding way is thoughtful, preoccupied with her needs, her best interests. He does what he can to relieve his wife of unnecessary stress. He learns what causes her to worry and he avoids putting her in those situations.
Stop. Look. And listen. Many wives would say that their husbands are blind and deaf when it comes to understanding their needs and desires.
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
James 1:19 (NIV)
Some days she’ll be blue and need an extra dose of tenderness. Some days she’ll be fed up with the kids and need you to give her some relief. Some days she’ll feel lonely and need a little extra time with you.
I heard about a husband who didn’t care at all about shopping for furniture, had a wife who loved antiques. So one year he took his wife to as many antique stores as he could. It cost him some money and time, but proved to be a strong bonding experience for them. One of his friends noticed how much time he was spending shopping and asked him, “Do you like antiques that much?” He said, “No, but I like my wife that much!”
The idea is “be an intelligent husband.” Do you know your wife? Do you understand your wife? Are you a student of your wife? Her moods. Her facial expressions. Her body language. Her tone of voice.
In your notes are five questions to help you understand your wife…
Question #1: On a scale from one to ten, with zero being terrible and ten being a great marriage, where would you like our relationship to be?
Question #2: On a scale from one to ten overall, where would you rate our marriage today?
Question #3: As you look at our relationship, what are some specific things we could do over the next six weeks that would move us closer to a ten?
Question #4: If our marriage were to go on just the way it’s been going, what will it be like for us in five, ten, or twenty years?
Question #5: What does God want us to pray about as a couple?
This phrase not only covers having a knowledge of my wife, but also a knowledge of the word of God as it relates to being a husband. “My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge.”
My faith will work out at home if I live out an uncommon knowledge.
3. … an undeniable tenderness.
… as with someone weaker, since she is a woman…
We struggle with this "weaker vessel" idea. But my former pastor, Adrian Rogers explains it this way: Denim is a tough fabric. Silk isn’t as tough. It is a "more fragile fabric." But that doesn’t diminsh the silk in any way by making that claim. In fact, silk is more valuable than denim. You treat silk with greater care than denim.
In the same way, we have to treat our wives with greater care - an undeniable tenderness.
Knute Larson, pastor at the Chapel in Akron, was speaking at a church growth conference several years ago. He said this, “If you really want to see how successful a man really is, then take a good look at his wife.” Look at her eyes. Look at her countenance. Is she typical, like all the rest, just a part of the crowd? Is her face a little hardened by disappointment and unmet needs? Are her eyes a little dulled by a bit of emptiness? Or does she shine? Is her countenance warm? Are her eyes at peace? Is she a cut above the crowd because of the security and self-confidence her husband’s love gives her?
There is transforming power when real men love. I freely admit that a wife is responsible for her own walk with Christ. But a husband’s sacrificial love can raw her to the Savior’s side and can give her a countenance that make her shine. Christ’s love transformed the church. He sanctified us. He made us stand out. A husband’s love can make his wife stand out in a crowd.
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
Colossians 3:19 (ESV)
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church--a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her.
Ephesians 5:25-27 (Msg)
My faith will work out at home if I live out an undeniable tenderness.
4. … an unceasing admiration.
A man came to visit a counselor and said, “I just don’t love my wife any more. I used to love everything about her but now I hate what she’s become.” The counselor asked him, “How long have you been married?” The man answered, “Fifteen years.” The counselor continued, “And you hate what your wife has become over the past fifteen years?” The man folded his arms smugly, “Yea, that’s right.” Just one more question fro the counselor made the point, “Who has been the biggest influence on your wife since you got married?”
… show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life…
She’s an equal in spiritual privilege and eternal importance. Husbands are to make sure she meets Christ on that great day, clothed in the beauty of holiness. For a short time the wife is to be responsive to her husband in his leadership. But in eternity it won’t be that way at all. Heaven is not going to simply be a continuation of things the way they have been on earth. Men, remember, the husband-wife relationship is temporal, not eternal.
So, treat her with honor.
Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
Proverbs 5:18 (NLT)
The Stepford Wives is a new release…
“If you could change something about me by pushing a button, would you?”
To have an unceasing admiration means that we have to love our wives flaws and all.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.”
“A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.”
My faith will work out at home if I live out an unceasing admiration.
What will be the result of this kind of work at home?
My prayers will be helped.
Men, I know you want God to answer your prayers. It’s an awful thing to want God to do things in your home or in your career and to wake up in the morning or to go to bed at night and to lie there and stare at the ceiling and feel, “It’s not real. He’s not listening.”
This passage tells us one reason our prayers are not answered.
… so that your prayers will not be hindered.
This isn’t teaching that praying helps us live right, but that living right helps us pray. It’s true that praying is one of the ways God has appointed to help us live the way we should. But the point here is that it’s true the other way around: God has appointed a way for us to live which will help us pray. There are ways live that hinder prayers and there is a way to live that helps prayer.
So if you are about to place your gift on the altar and remember that someone is angry with you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. Make peace with that person, then come back and offer your gift to God.
Matthew 5:23-24 (CEV)
If you want your prayers to be helped and not hindered you have to live with your wife in a certain way. There has to be an effort to understand her so as to know her needs. There has to be a special concern for her weaknesses and what she especially needs from you. There has to be a recognition that she is a fellow heir of the grace of life and an then a giving of that honor rather than any belittling or demeaning. When we husbands live like this (with understanding, tender care, and honor), our prayers will not be hindered. If we do not live like this our prayers will be hindered.
It may be that changes need to be made at home. Nothing is more important than unclogging the streams of prayer and power that are clogged at home.
My prayers will be helped if I…
* * *
Someone wrote that Nancy Reagan’s fierce and unwavering loyalty to her ailing husband has transformed her, in the eyes of the American people, from a relentless Hollywood socialite to a saintly widow. She nursed him through his devastating decline into the darkness of Alzheimer’s disease. She has emerged as a real example of a loving wife.
Secrets to such a relationship?
Maybe you didn’t know that Ronald Reagan began writing a daily letter, card or telegram to Nancy Reagan shortly after their first meeting in 1949 and continued the practice until Alzheimer’s disease took away his ability to write. Here was a man who not only loved his wife deeply, but took time every day from his busy life to tell her, in writing, that he loved her. He had said that there was only one person who could make him lonely by just leaving the room. He described himself as "the most married man in the world" and his wife as the "light of my life."
"I love you so much I don’t even mind that life made me wait so long to find you. The waiting only made the finding sweeter." (1955)
"I live in a permanent Christmas because God gave me you." (1970)
"I more than love you, I’m not whole without you. You are life itself to me." (1983)
D. James Kennedy:
It was early in 1980, and I joined a handful of other Christian ministers who were invited to come and speak with the then ex-governor and ask him questions. This was a private meeting--not a public forum.
Many questions were asked. When my turn came, I said, "Governor, I would like to ask you a very important spiritual question."
I asked Governor Reagan: "If you were to die and stand before God and He were to say to you, ’Why should I let you into My Heaven?’ what would you say?"
It was as if I had punched him in the solar plexis! Reagan doubled over, put his head down between his knees and stayed there for about 45 seconds. Now, that is quite a long time, especially since up until that point we had been involved in a rather lively question and answer session. Slowly, Reagan sat back up straight and said, in somber tones, words which I shall never forget:
“I don’t deserve to go to Heaven. The only thing that I could say would be, ‘For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.’”
A point to ponder: My work for her at home impacts God’s work for me from heaven.
A verse to remember: Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life…
Ecclesiastes 9:9 (NASB)
A question to consider: When will I take the time to ask my wife the five questions we considered today?
I mentioned this last week. God’s plan has not been tried and found lacking, the problem is, His plan is not tried.
