THE GRIEF GAUGE
Navigating the Bumps of Life - Week 6
PSALM 116:1-8
INTRODUCTION:
Paul Harvey tells the true story of a lady who went to a newspaper to report the death of her husband. She took a glowing four page report to the obituary counter. Upon seeing it, the news clerk said, "Ma’am, you should know that it costs $.50 a word to put that in the paper." Stunned, the wife took it back and re-wrote it. It now said, "Sam Brown dies." The clerk said, "I’m sorry ma’am, but there’s a 7-word minimum.” The widow took it back & counting on her fingers wrote:"Sam Brown dies... ’88 Ford for sale."
Now, I wanted to use that light hearted story to begin our discussion this morning on grief for two reasons: (1) We need to understand that realistically grief will not go away that quickly. (2) This is a very heavy topic. For some this morning this topic will re-open some wounds and be difficult to handle. But we need a balance. Somewhere in between the humorous, quick fix of Paul Harvey’s widow and the person who for years cannot bring themselves to go on with their life, there is an equilibrium of emotion that God wants for us. Ecc. 3:4 says: "There is a time to cry and a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance." The author of Psa. 116 went through the process of grief and was able to find comfort. My sincere prayer is that this message will enable us to use this Psalm as sort of a “grief gauge.” For those going through a time of loss to be able to measure whether they are experiencing “a time to grieve,” a normal and right emotion, or if their grieving is out of balance. I also hope that our time together will enable us to learn a little about how to bring some comfort to our friends and loved ones who suffer with grief.
I. REASONS FOR GRIEF:
Let’s begin by discussing the reasons for grief. Grief is defined as: "An involuntary emotion you experience when you lose something or someone that is valuable to you." Now, since it is involuntary we need to understand that grieving is not a sin. It is not wrong to express grief, in fact it’s natural. Paul, a man who experienced loss, wrote in 1 Thess. 4:13- "We do not want you to grieve like other people who have no hope." (GW) He doesn’t say, "don’t grieve," but, in your grief, remember to place your hope in God. In my funeral messages for someone who has died as a Christian, I often tell the bereaved, "Grief is an honorable emotion because it is borne out of love. You must grieve, but understand who you grieve for. Not for your loved one because they are so much better off with the Lord. But for yourself, because of the loss you are experiencing.” So it is important that we understand at the very start of our discussion that grief is an involuntary emotion that all experience when they lose something or someone that was valuable to them.
Most commentators describe Psalm 116 as a “Psalm of Grief,” the writer either is or has been grieving. We are not sure of the exact circumstances but just look at some of the words he uses. Vs:3: "The danger of death was all around me; the horrors of the grave closed in on me; I was filled with grief and fear." Vs:10 he says, "I am completely crushed." So, the Psalmist has been grieving, and although we don’t know specifically the cause of his mourning, we do know that grief can come in a variety of ways.
The most common grief is from the loss of a loved one. I believe this is the source of the Psalmist’s sorrow. In vs:15 he says, "How painful it is when one of the Lord’s people die." The loss of a loved one, especially if they are young or the death is sudden may be the hardest kind of grief, but it’s not the only source. The loss of possessions can cause grief. Just ask those who try to take their own lives when the stock market crashes or go into a hermit like existence when their life savings is lost. The loss of health can cause grief. Soldiers that lose a limb or athletes who lose their careers due to injury certainly grieve over that loss. Some commentators feel that when the Psalmist says in vs:3 that "the danger of death was all around me," that maybe he was referring to his health. A loss of health can cause grief, but it is also not uncommon for a person enduring intense grief to have health problems; like insomnia, exhaustion, head aches, anxiety, depression and more. Grief can come from a loss of position too. Many who do not get the promotion they were counting on, or the job they had interviewed for and needed so badly, go into a time of mourning and depression. And grief can come from the loss of a relationship too. Counselors often say that a divorce is tougher to live with than death. They live with the ever present loss of the partnership, the loss of companionship, the unfulfilled expectations.
Maybe the clearest Biblical example of someone who lost all of these things is Job. Job was an upright, righteous man of God but he went through a series of tragic losses that may be unparalleled in human history. Listen to what happened to him- Job 1:13-ff- "One day when Job’s children were having a feast at the home of their oldest brother, 14 a messenger came running to Job. ‘We were plowing the fields with the oxen,’ he said, ‘and the donkeys were in a nearby pasture. 15 Suddenly the Sabeans attacked and stole them all. They killed every one of your servants except me. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.’ 16 Before he had finished speaking, another servant came and said, ‘Lightning struck the sheep and the shepherds and killed them all. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.’ 17 Before he had finished speaking, another servant came and said, ‘Three bands of Chaldean raiders attacked us, took away the camels, and killed all your servants except me. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.’ 18 Before he had finished speaking, another servant came and said, ‘Your children were having a feast at the home of your oldest son, 19 when a storm swept in from the desert. It blew the house down and killed them all. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.’ 20 Then Job got up and tore his clothes in grief.” I guess! Is it any wonder?
Job lost most of what we have discussed in a matter of moments! He lost his possessions. Job 1 tells us: "he owned 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 1000 head of cattle and 500 donkeys." Someone calculated that at today’s prices Job’s livestock would of been worth about $1.6 million. And he wasn’t in “good hands”either! He lost his servants, some of whom may have been dear friends. Most importantly, he lost all 10 of his children in one accident. On top of all this we find later, in chap. 2 that Job loses his health, he is covered with boils. That he lost his position because his wife and friends told him all this was probably caused by some sin he had committed. In 2:9 his wife lashes out and says, "You’re still as faithful as ever aren’t you? Why don’t you curse God and die!" I’ve always thought with a wife like that, you might just want to die. But remember, she was hurting too. She had suffered the same losses as Job. She’d had 10 children and now she had an empty nest. She had a healthy husband, now she was nursing a sick one. What grief they both endured.. for all the same reasons that we experience it.
II. RESPONDING TO GRIEF:
So, since there is a variety of reasons that we suffer grief, let’s look at how we are to respond to it. First, for the grief-ridden. Please understand that there are certain things you will go through as you grieve. The late Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a ground breaking book entitled On Death and Dying, in which she suggested a cycle of grief, that is still widely quoted. However, today’s mental health professionals, when talking about grief, say that maybe a better word than “cycle” is the word “journey.”One with many twists and turns. But it’s important to understand that the grieving process is not some neat progression. A person may repeat a stage or skip one and go right into another. And where Kubler-Ross named five stages most think there are more like this chart illustrates. And that there is a constant ebb and flow through these reactions. But I do think it’s helpful to see some of the phases of this journey. Those in grief go through most of these emotional responses. The Psalmist did, we will, and so did Pam, a 30 year old mother of four.
(“Pam’s Story” Video mpeg- www.sermonspice.com - 2:32)
You can hear some of the stages of Pam’s journey from her story. (1) There is panic & shock. You’re stunned. Wasn’t that 911 call heart retching? Pam screaming, “John, don’t do this to me!” You don’t know how to react, it all seems absolutely unreal. (2) There is denial. "This isn’t really happening. I going to wake up in a few minutes and find out I’ve been in a nightmare. They’ll walk through that door at any moment." But they don’t. (3) There is anger. Pam told God she wasn’t going to take it any more! That is wasn’t fair! “What kind of God would take a father from four little kids?” My Dad says that my Grandma Smith one day after the unexpected passing of my Grandfather, couldn’t get the car started & she began banging on the steering wheel yelling, "Floyd, how could you leave me with a car that won’t start? You know I know nothing about cars!"(4) There is depression. You experience times of sorrow that drag on for months. One day you’re restless, the next your apathetic, one day you think you’re doing okay, the next you’re overcome with loneliness. And there are all those anniversaries to go through the first year. The first thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first birthday.. stirring up all those memories. And don’t think that 2nd anniversaries are easier. You kind of steal yourself for the first ones, knowing they will be tough, but you’re surprised at the second ones because you made it through them before and you thought the 2nd time would be easier, but it isn’t. (5) But there is also a final stage of acceptance and a return to life. But counselors will tell you that this grieving journey is long and slow. But please understand, if you’re going through this, that there are known, and even predictable stages of phases of this journey you must travel.
But as I got to thinking of our congregation and our demographic I thought it might be important that we take a couple of minutes to discuss what one trying to help the grief ridden should and should not do. Let’s face it, many of you have not suffered these kinds of losses and it’s crucial that we have some idea how to respond to others when a critical loss happens. Bob Russell, a preacher in Louisville, took a survey of those who’ve gone through the grieving process, and they gave 10 practical suggestions of "do’s" & "don’ts" to help you help someone who is grieving.
(1) Don’t avoid the person who mourns. We worry sometimes about, "I don’t know what to say." "I’ll feel so awkward at the funeral home." The worst thing we can do when someone is grieving is to do nothing. (2) Don’t think you have to say the "right thing." These people said consistently that the person who helped the most was the close friend who was just there.. sitting next to them or just close by them, just listening. The poet wrote- "When trouble comes your soul to try.. You love the friend who just stands by.. It helps somehow to pull you through, although there’s nothing they can do. But just to have a friend, whose sympathy endures until the end, gives a heart the fervent cry: ‘God bless the friend who just stands by.’" (3) Don’t treat the survivor differently. For example, if you would of invited the couple to the party, then invite the widow or widower to the party. (4) Do understand that the grieving process takes a long time. Be patient.
(5) Don’t think it’s necessary to bring it up every time you’re with them. Don’t say, "How are you really doing?" Don’t push. (6) Do expect their emotions to fluctuate. The survivor is not always going to feel badly. Let them be happy, let them be sad, maybe all in a matter of moments. (7) Do be willing to reminisce. Sometimes we think they won’t want to hear something about their loved one. But I know from experience that some of the things that brought my wife and I the most comfort after the death of her father were those who came up and said, "You know, one time Frank and I were.." -OR- "I remember how Frank used to love to teach.." Let them talk about the loved one.
(8) Do be personal in your remembrances. If you know something nice to say, say it. "O, you’re mother was so wonderful to me.” Your Dad’s strong faith was such an inspiration to me." (9) Do keep your sense of humor. Don’t be flippant. But at the same time the Bible says, "A cheerful heart does good like medicine." (Prov. 17:22 LB) Vance Havner, a famous preacher, when someone would come up to him after the death of his wife and say, "Sorry you lost your wife." He’d smile and say, "Well, don’t be.. after all something’s not lost, if you know its location! And I know right where to find her!" But remember, Prov. 14:13 also says: “Laughter can conceal a heavy heart; when the laughter ends, the grief remains.”(NLT) So, even though we should keep a sense of humor, don’t think that laughter means the pain is completely over. (10) And Do remember that the time you are needed most is not immediate. Oh, you need to be there from the start but everybody comes immediately. But 6-8 weeks or 6 months later, when everyone else is gone.. that’s when you’re needed most.
III. REALIZE THERE IS HELP WITH GRIEF:
Now, before we go home today I want you to etch in your mind, some things that promote healing. Please understand that there is help available. First: there is help from God.
It is important that those going through grief understand the Lord offers some incredible resources to help heal. The Psalmist here mentions several.
(1) God promises compassion. Vs:5- Our God is compassionate." Please understand something. You are not going through your grief alone. Jesus knows how you feel because He’s been where you are. Read the 6th chapter of the Gospel of John sometime. There you will find the story of John the Baptist’s murder. Do you know who John the Baptist was? He was Jesus’ cousin! John was his friend, his co-worker. Do you know what the Bible tells us that Jesus wanted to do when he heard the news about John? He wanted to get away from people and be by Himself. He wanted space to grieve. No wonder Hebrews 4:15 says: “We don’t have a priest (Jesus) who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all - all but the sin.”(MSG) God knows exactly how you feel and offers His compassion.
(2) God promises protection- Vs:6- "The Lord protects the helpless; when I was in danger, He saved me." Allow the loss, whatever it is, to draw you into deeper dependence on Him. Cry out to Him.. He’s there for you, protecting you, holding you. Heb .13:4- “God assures us, “I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you.”(MSG)
(3) God promises deliverance- Vs:8- "The Lord saved me from death, he stopped my tears and kept me from defeat." Yes, it will take time to make progress through the journey but God is with you in every step of that process and He will deliver you. You’ll have to experience some depression probably, but not total defeat.
The one phrase I hear again and again from Christian people who grieve is: "I don’t how people go through this without the Lord. I don’t know how people go through this without the church and Christian friends." "It hurts," they say, "but I’m am so comforted by God’s promises." That’s a huge difference. Christian’s have hope, something better is coming. 1 Ptr 1:6 in talking about our reward says- "In this you greatly rejoice, (the knowledge of heaven) though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials."(NIV) Please understand, the grief, no matter how hard, is temporary. There is going to come a time when there will be no more sorrow, no more death. In Ripley’s believe it or not in Gatlinburg, TN. they have famous tombstones with unique epitaphs. I’m told there is this one from Watumca, Ala., obviously believed in someplace better: "Here lies Solomon Peas. Peas is not here, only the pod. Peas shelled out and went home to God." That’s funny, but it’s not all that far from what Jesus said in John 11:25-26, “Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. 26They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish." In other words, those who have a relationship with Jesus will be able to shed off this pod and go to God. Please remember, above all, that God loves you, wants to help and promises heaven.
Not only are we promised help from God in terms of His promises but He also offers help in terms of His people. Take a look at the resources that are listed at the bottom of your outline. Let me just explain a couple of them to you. Griefshare is a support group which starts again in January. There is also a seminar coming up next month about how to get through the holidays, an especially tender time. You can get more information from Sunnyside Christian Church. I’ve also listed a couple of books that are well known and offer a great deal of help. You see, God’s greatest promise is heaven, but his greatest help lies in those who have undergone grief and understand how essential He is to getting through the journey. These resources can help you gauge the depth of your grief.
In the late 1800’s Horatio G. Spafford, a Christian lawyer from Chicago, experienced the death of his infant son. Within weeks of that devastating loss came the infamous Chicago fire of 1871, which destroyed all his real estate holdings that he had on the shores of Lake Michigan, leaving him almost desolate. In 1873 Spafford, with the help of a friend, planned a trip to Europe, to just get away for a few weeks. And so, on Nov. 19 he placed his wife and four daughters on a luxury liner headed for France. Spafford was going to join them in about a week after he took care of some urgent business. But on Nov. 21, 1873, the ship the Spafford’s family was on collided with another vessel and within 12 minutes, sank in the northern Atlantic. In the chaotic moments after the collision, all four daughters were swept away from Mrs. Spafford. She was knocked unconscious but was somehow rescued as one of the few survivors. Back in Chicago, Horatio, heard of the accident and waited anxiously for news about his family. Finally, ten days later, a telegram came to his home, sent from his wife, who was in the hospital. The telegram contained just two words: "Saved - Alone." He knew that he had lost all four of his girls. Horatio Spafford was devastated. He began to shake uncontrollably and was comforted by his best friend and neighbor, Major Whittle. With Whittle’s help Horatio Spafford, took a ship to France, to meet his wife and bring her home. On the journey he asked the captain to wake him in the middle of the night when they came to the approximate location of the accident. The captain did and as Horatio Spafford looked down in those cold, dark waters, which covered up his four little girls, he wept unashamedly. And then he went to his cabin and penned the words to what has become one of our most famous hymns. "When peace like a river, attendeth my soul, When sorrows like sea billows roll- Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul." Though Satan should buffet, tho trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate and hath shed His own blood for my soul." The only way that Horatio Spafford could hold on to his faith in midst of devastating grief, was to put his absolute faith in Jesus Christ. That’s the only way you’ll hold up too. Trust Him and you’ll learn like the Psalmist, that God will listen and help. And then you can say as he did in vs:7- "Be confident my heart, because the Lord has been good to me." And know, no matter what.. “It is well, with my soul.”
{All Scripture taken from Today’s English Version (Good News) unless otherwise noted}
