The God-Centered Spouse
Life After the Wedding, prt. 2
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
If you’re on the Wildwind email list, you may recall that a few weeks ago I sent out a series of three emails called Becoming Like Jesus, excerpted from an article by Gary Thomas. Gary is one of the leading writers of the interplay between marriage and Christian spirituality. He deserves credit for most of the inspiration, and even much of the content, of today’s sermon. The title of the message is, “The God-Centered Spouse,” which comes from a devotional book Gary Thomas wrote for couples. You’ll hear more endorsements for Gary Thomas and other great writers on marriage as we move forward in this series.
Right now I want to call you back to last week. Do you remember where we left off? If I could summarize last week’s message very briefly, I would say:
• We know what makes a good marriage, but often do not have what it takes.
• We do not have what it takes because we are heart-sick – on an individual level, we have trouble connecting because of what Jesus referred to as vomit in the heart.
• Getting what it takes to make a good marriage will require a change of heart.
So as we came to that place last week, I asked if you were prepared for a change of heart. I asked if you were willing to ask the right questions, to focus on yourself. Because today it’s time to focus in.
I want to talk to you this morning about the God-centered spouse. Now quick, when I said that just now, did you think of your spouse? Or did you think of yourself? This morning as I talk about the God-centered spouse, I am not talking about your spouse. I am talking about your spouse’s spouse. Dave, I want to talk to Mary’s husband this morning. Susie, I want to talk to Mike’s wife. Chris, I want to talk to Cindy’s husband. Karen, can I talk to Bill’s wife today?
Because a good marriage takes two, but all you can do is focus on you. That is one of the first and hardest lessons we have to learn as we get into something like this. Like the qualities of a good marriage, this is something else we can think we know, but not understand how it works in the real world. Look at all the ways people can resist focusing on themselves:
First you would have the person who is totally clueless. “What? All I can do is focus on me? Forget that – he’d better be getting up in here with some focus on me pretty soon or I’m outta here.” Focus deflected.
Next you might have the person who believes that somehow in some way they must be part of the problem – they just don’t have the self-awareness to understand how. This person is really looking for times when they have been at fault in an argument; the problem is they sincerely believe there were no such times. And of course the problem is convincing them otherwise. Focus deflected.
Next you could have the manipulator I talked about last week. The manipulator may appear to acknowledge his responsibility, but doesn’t really see it or understand it, and wants to appear to focus on himself just long enough to get the other person to focus on herself and realize that she’s really the problem. Focus deflected.
Or how about the person who knows they are part of the problem and they could tell you about times when they have done or said things that made things worse, but they just continue to tell you that they are the way they are because this is what their spouse has turned them into. “Look what you’ve done to me!!” Their spouse pushed their buttons, made them say all these bad things, drove them to distraction, brought out the worst in them. In other words, this person believes that her spouse’s shortcomings either prevent or excuse her from addressing her own shortcomings. Focus deflected.
This last person is a breath of fresh air. I’m talking about a person who is no longer clueless, who has probably tried manipulation and seen it backfire and learned some painful lessons in humility, who has not only recognized his role in the problem, but has given up blaming anyone but himself. This is the person who is not only ready for a change of heart, but who has in many ways already had one. No more games. No more blaming. No more bad-mouthing wifey to others. No more self-justification. No more making himself feel okay about his role in the problem by comparing it to her role in the problem. No more saying that his technique of withdrawal is superior to her technique of screaming outbursts. No more “if she’d just do this, then I could do that.” No more. No more. No more. Focus acquired.
I want to read a passage from the gospel of Matthew that some of you will be familiar with, yet I want you to hear it differently. When Jesus refers to “your neighbor” in this text, I want you to think, “your spouse.” In the story of the Good Samaritan, Jesus made it clear that your neighbor is whoever you have an opportunity to serve. You ever have any opportunities to serve your spouse? More so than anyone else, right? So by Jesus’ own definition I’d say we’re well justified in applying this passage I’m about to read to our spouse.
Matthew 7:1-5 (MSG)
1 "Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment.
2 That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging.
3 It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own.
4 Do you have the nerve to say, ’Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt?
5 It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.
Did you catch what Jesus said? He said, “It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s – on your spouse’s – face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own.” It’s easy, he says! It’s not easy to see ourselves honestly, and boy do we come up with every excuse in the book to keep from getting in front of that mirror.
So we see that first we are told what not to do. Don’t pick on our spouse, jump on their failures, criticize their faults. Jesus says that if we do that, it will boomerang on us, and what he means here is the simple fact that people will treat you the way you treat them. Do you feel like your spouse treats you like human garbage? If you honestly looked in the mirror, what would you see about how you are treating your spouse? Is your spouse silent and withdrawn and impossible to get to open up? The odds are with me when I say that your spouse is most likely silent to the exact degree that he/she does not feel safe around you. All Jesus is saying is that you will reap in others the fruits of your behavior toward them. What could be more obvious than that? Yet so many of us want to paint ourselves as the victim. “Boo-hoo. He just changed so much after the wedding.” Later on we’ll get into comments like this, but for now suffice to say there is a researcher named John Gottman who has proven that he can listen to a couple speak to each other for 15 minutes and predict with over 90% accuracy which ones will still be married in ten years and which ones won’t. There are very few victims in marriage, but a lot of suckers. And I don’t mean that critically at all. All I’m trying to say is that we are so blinded to our own part in a bad relationship – we have these vomit hearts (in the words of Jesus) that spew out all this nasty stuff, faces that show our contempt and distrust and lack of respect for our beloved – yet we insist on getting them to a therapist because they need to get their act together, or complaining to our friends (or worse yet THEIR friends) about how terrible they are. When a relationship starts we are blinded by romantic love and we don’t even see the flaws. But just a few years down the road we often see little else. Gary Thomas writes:
When I come into town for "Sacred Marriage" seminars, I often get taken out to dinner beforehand. The organizers sometimes invite an engaged couple to join us. I always like this, particularly if I feel tired from traveling, because I know I can ask one question of the engaged woman that will reward me with a good rest. I know this because she will likely take at least ten minutes to answer. The question is this: "Tell me about your future husband." The bride-to-be’s eyes light up, and she starts to gush with enthusiastic and unqualified praise: "Oh, I so appreciate this about him, and he’s so good at that, and he’s so wonderfully thoughtful in this area, and in that area he’s absolutely the best . . ." Then, later in the weekend, I’ll be with a group of wives and say, "Tell me about your husbands." I still get a rest, but I don’t find it nearly as pleasant. The chorus goes like this: "He doesn’t do this. He never does that. He wouldn’t know how to spell ‘spiritual leader,’ much less act like one." I go back to my hotel room and ask myself, “Where is the bridge that leads a woman to stop defining a man by what he is and start defining him by what he is not?” The sad answer, unfortunately, is marriage.
I’m really glad a lot of college-age people get to hear this – a lot of pre-wedded folks. Marriage often is that bridge. We do begin to see each other differently, in a huge number of ways, but it happens so subtly you don’t realize it’s happening and it seems like overnight something changes – and you think it’s your spouse. But you’ve both changed. Now that you’re together all the time, you see those smudges better on each other’s faces, and you get so focused on those that you don’t notice the disappointment that is growing on your own face. Disappointment which will soon turn to resentment and contempt if you don’t do something about it. As you discover that you do not have a perfect spouse (and sometimes not even an adequate one!), you also discover again and again that you cannot be the spouse you hoped you’d be. You can’t always make her happy, sometimes she just wants to go stew. You can’t always pull him out of his funk – sometimes he has to go to his cave. Attempts to end the evening amorously are met with excuses and you feel rejected. You start keeping count. He’s initiated 10 times this month and you’ve only said no twice. You’ve tried to initiate three times and he said no twice. What’s the matter with you? Doesn’t he find you attractive? Guys, you’ve looked forward to coming home from work to your lovely bride all day, but you get home and she’s in a terrible mood and nothing you seem to do lifts her spirits. What’s the matter with you? Isn’t she happy to see you?
See, you committed to live life together and this is life. But in the starry-eyed romantic days before marriage, you honestly didn’t know how it was going to be, and you weren’t prepared for it, and the distance between you is growing, it’s becoming every man for himself, every woman for herself, until people who got married to have a friend and advocate and someone to fight life’s battles with are left fighting their battles alone – and against one another, no less.
The solution? Remember the solution? A change of heart. We encounter a change of heart when we remove ourselves from the center of our respective universes and place, not our spouse there, but God. Our heart changes as it becomes more God-centered. We become a better spouse as we pursue becoming more like Christ. Your marriage becomes better not as you are a self-centered spouse, not as you are a spouse-centered spouse, but as you become a God-centered spouse. A good marriage takes two, but all you can do is focus on you. This does not mean self-centeredness, it means acknowledging that the best way you can improve your marriage is to improve yourself. And when it comes to making human beings better, more open to love and joy, I think we can do no better than to go to God. Will you pray with me right now?
Heavenly Father, you are the healer. Some of us desperately need you to bring healing to our sick hearts and our broken relationships this morning. Please open the eyes of our hearts so that we can see ourselves for real, and then begin to change our hearts by the power of your Holy Spirit. Amen.
2 Corinthians 7:1 (NIV)
1 … let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.
Will you read that with me?
2 Corinthians 7:1 (NIV)
1 … let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.
It’s easy to get caught up in the symptoms of our relationship problems:
• “We need to improve our communication.”
• “We need to get better at handling conflict.”
• “We need to show more appreciation for each other.”
• “We need to have a more unified plan with the children.”
• “We need to work harder at keeping the romance alive in our relationship.”
We often think that we need to work to improve these things. But all of these things are secondary issues, they are symptoms, rather than causes. Most of you know I have MS. MS is what is called a chronic disease. Some of you here have other kinds of chronic diseases. Do you know what it means to say a disease is chronic? What that basically means is that doctors must deal with symptoms because they cannot address the cause.
When I was diagnosed with MS in 1990, there was barely any treatment at all. Nowadays I hate these shots I have to take every week, but at least there’s some way to fight this disease. Treatment of symptoms is at least something. But every person on earth with a chronic disease would tell you they’d prefer treatment of the disease itself over treatment of the symptoms, even if it was more painful and took longer, because that would offer hope for eventually living entirely free of the disease.
Most of what’s wrong in your marriage is a symptom of what’s wrong with your heart. You can parent the kids better, but it won’t change your heart. You can improve your communication and conflict resolution. That’s important – in fact I’ll soon be offering a workshop to help address some of those things. But it won’t change your heart. Healthy marriages require people with healthy hearts. Read this with me:
2 Corinthians 7:1 (NIV)
1 … let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.
This is the way to a healthy heart. We are to perfect holiness in our lives why? Because it will give us a healthier marriage? Because it will make us rich? Because it will always be fun? We are to perfect holiness in our lives out of reverence for God. This means that this reverence for God must become our motivator. We are to work at being better people, we are to work at purifying ourselves from sin out of reverence for God. In other words, purely because this is what God wants. You will become a better spouse as you strive to perfect holiness in your life, and marriage is a great place to perfect holiness, because it offers so much potential for unholiness, doesn’t it? I mean you want to talk about a situation that will try your patience – marriage is it! What better place to perfect patience in your life. Talk about a place that will sometimes be humiliating! What better place to gain a humble heart. Talk about a situation that will sometimes provoke rage – what better place to learn gentleness and self-control. That’s why you must focus on you. What if the things in your marriage that are frustrating to you reveal to you the areas where you need the most work? Now that’s a bitter pill to swallow, isn’t it?
From Gary Thomas:
It all comes down to this: Are you a God-centered spouse or a spouse-centered spouse? A spouse-centered spouse acts nicely toward her husband when he acts nicely toward her. She is accommodating, as long as her husband pays her attention. A spouse-centered husband will go out of his way for his wife, as long as she remains agreeable and affectionate. He’ll romance her, as long as he feels rewarded for doing so. But Paul tells us we are to perfect holiness out of reverence for God. Since God is always worthy to be revered, we are always called to holiness; we are always called to love. A God-centered spouse feels more motivated by his or her commitment to God than by whatever response a spouse may give. Spouse-centered Christians try to make excuses to stop loving their spouses because of their spouses’ sins. But if this were a valid excuse, every one of us could avoid the call to love, since every one of us married a sinner!
Ephesians 5:1–2
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
My friends, what would your world be like if God loved you the same way you love your husband or wife? Would you really be interested in that relationship? Or would you frankly feel like, “No thanks, I’ll take a pass, I already have enough instability and insecurity in my life.” Aren’t you glad that God’s love for you surpasses your love for your spouse? Aren’t you glad that God doesn’t take to criticizing you as quickly as you take to criticizing your wife or husband? Aren’t you glad that God gives you more rope than you give to your spouse? Aren’t you glad that even though God sees every mistake you make, every single failure, your secret shame is safe with Him? What if you had to go around knowing that every time God saw you fail he blabbed about you critically to others in your life? Thank God that His love for us is different than that – better than that. And do you see? That’s the kind of love God wants us to have for each other. The more I develop that kind of love for Christy, the more she is able to tangibly experience this incredible love that God wants all his children to experience. God wants me to love Christy this way because that’s the way He loves her, and he wants Christy to love me this way because that’s the way He loves me. We simply can’t do any better than that. It’s so simple.
(From Thomas:)
I am not called to love my wife because she is holier than other wives (though I’m thankful for her
godliness). [I am not called to love her because she is prettier than other women (though I think she is beautiful).] I am not called to love her because she makes me happy (though I am grateful for the friendship we share). I am called to love her out of reverence for God. If I am to rid myself of anything that may contaminate body or spirit, then I can give no place in my life to jealousy, bitterness, resentment, or selfishness. I am always called to practice gentleness, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Someone else’s sin—even the sin of my spouse against me—never gives me the license to respond with sin. I am called to just one motivation, and one only: reverence for God. In one sense, what my spouse says or does or doesn’t do is almost irrelevant. Every decision I make, every word I utter, every thought I think, every movement I perform, is to flow out of one motivation: reverence for God.
That means I don’t do things because it’s always fun, will always reward me right away, or because my spouse will always appreciate them, I do them because I am called to perfect holiness in my life out of reverence for Christ: to learn to love Christy the way God does, because He desires that kind of love for her and because He desires that I be a person capable of loving in that way.
Are you a God-centered spouse? Are you prepared to perfect holiness in your life out of reverence for Christ? Are you willing to stop blaming, to stop withholding approval when your spouse screws up, to sacrifice yourself for your spouse the way God does for you? At first you might think, “They don’t deserve it.” Well, according to how God loves us, this is exactly what qualifies them to be loved!
Romans 5:8 (NLT)
8 But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.
Thankfully God loves us differently than we sometimes love each other.
Though I’ve been talking to you today and not your spouse, remember that your spouse is hearing these words too, as I assert God’s desire that they love you this way, though you too are undeserving. What if you both just began loving each other this way? Could things continue on as badly as they’ve been? What if you just took a step?
I leave you with that challenge. Will you be the one to take the first step? Will you extend grace, forgiveness, approval, to your hurting spouse today, with no expectation that they return in kind, but purely out of reverence for God? Will you lay down your weapons of criticism, silence, disapproval, denial, blame, contempt, and sarcasm and reach out to your beloved today? When they have offended you or hurt you, will you pray that God will help you love them?
Read with me as we close:
2 Corinthians 7:1 (NIV)
1 … let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.
Let’s pray.
