Understanding Marriage on Four Levels
Life After the Wedding, part 4
Wildwind Community Church
February 12, 2006
David Flowers
We’re continuing on through our marriage series. Here’s what we’ve looked at so far:
1. God wants marriages to be healthy.
2. A good marriage takes two, but all you can do is focus on you.
3. Your marriage is God’s will for you now.
Today I want to talk to you about how marriages fail for a pretty narrow number of reasons, and to start looking into some of those reasons. Quickly right now, give me some issues that can cause problems in a marriage. (Money, sex, stress, friendships outside the marriage, jealousy, children, communication issues, in-laws, etc.)
I want to give you some news this morning. For some of you this will be good news, but I expect for most of you it will not be the best news. Did you know that none of these factors leads to divorce? Did you know that healthy couples routinely argue about all these issues and more? Did you know that some of the best marriages are those where there is actually a very high degree of passion and conflict? Did you know that in other very good marriages, partners seem to almost avoid hot-button issues altogether and get along quite okay through their avoidance?
This will come as good news, even a relief I suspect, for those who thought that the frequency of fighting and conflict is related to separation and divorce. It’s not. But there’s another sense in which this is mixed news. If none of these issues is responsible for routinely breaking up marriages, that would seem to complicate the picture, wouldn’t it? We might say, “Well, if it’s not money, if it’s not sex, if it’s not my in-laws, if it’s not any of that stuff, then how do I know if my marriage is in danger?”
Marriages don’t break up for an infinite number of reasons. Money, sex, parenting, communication – some or all of that stuff may be at issue in marriages that fail. But some or all of that stuff is also an issue in most marriages that succeed. That stuff isn’t what breaks up marriages. Marriages break up for a pretty small number of reasons – in fact, precisely four according to John Gottman, our greatest expert on marriage and relationships.
John Grey says relationships break up because men are from Mars and women are from Venus. John Gottman reminds us that even in the best, most healthy marriages, there are often drastic differences between partners, yet the relationship thrives in spite of how they often come from different planets. John Grey implies that in order for relationships to be healthy, women must learn Martian and men must learn Venusian, so we can hear each other. John Gottman goes deeper and gives us what he calls the “four horseman of the apocalypse” – the factors that will usually lead to divorce if not detected and brought under control. Gary Chapman tells us we need to learn to speak one another’s “love language,” so that we are communicating love in a way the other person understands as love. John Gottman tells us that there are things that will keep us from being ABLE to communicate love no matter how hard we try. (BTW, I advocate understanding the love languages, I just don’t think they’re the sole key to marital bliss.) Willard Harley talks about His Needs, and Her Needs and how being sure to meet one another’s needs will affair-proof your marriage. With his Prepare and Enrich material, David Olsen looks at the degree of agreement or disagreement between couples in areas where couples frequently tend to fight. All of these things are good. This is all great stuff to know. After all, why shouldn’t you learn to respect the differences in your relationship? Why shouldn’t you speak your partner’s love language? Why shouldn’t you make sure not to overdraw your love bank account? Why shouldn’t you try to ascertain and meet your partners needs?
I don’t want to confuse anyone this morning. I’m not up here to tell you to dismiss John Grey or Gary Chapman or Willard Harley or David Olsen or other theorists who have contributed greatly to our understanding of marriage. The point of this morning is not that I would have you dismiss these people, it’s that I would direct your attention beyond and below all of that, to things way deeper within your own heart.
Matthew 12:33-35 (NIV)
33 "Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit.
34 You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.
35 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.
Jesus said, “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” In other words, who you are will come out of you one way or another. You can’t ultimately hide the real you.
Surprise, surprise. It turns out Jesus knew what he was talking about. John Gottman has studied couples longer and more closely than any other researcher on marriage and his conclusions are astonishing. It turns out that it’s not your opinion on sex that will ultimately doom your marriage. It’s not how you deal with money. It’s not your views about child-rearing or day care or your in-laws. Those issues, as important as they may seem, are all things that can be worked out between couples as long as a relationship is relatively free of Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse. These four things are signs that a marriage is on its way to almost certain failure (I’m simplifying a bit – get the books!) You wanna know what they are?
They are –
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling
Healthy relationships are not those where there is no yelling or where the traditional issues that plague marriages are not a factor. Healthy relationships are those that somehow involve much smaller amounts of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling than the relationships that don’t make it. Dr. Gottman has become so good at identifying these things that just by listening to a couple speak to each other for 15 minutes he can predict with 94% accuracy whether the couple will divorce within ten years. Pare that 15 minutes down to just 5 and his accuracy rate plummets to a mere 80%. This gets to the heart of what I want to talk to you about this morning. Marriages fail for a small number of reasons – it’s not as confusing and complex as you may have thought.
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Let me define these for you, then I want to show you something incredible in the Bible about these things. Criticism is best understood as a personal attack on the character of your partner. Gottman likes to differentiate between criticism and complaint. It turns out complaints are actually quite healthy for a relationship. Let me show you the difference.
Complaint – I’m frustrated because you promised me you’d have the dishes done yesterday and they’re still sitting in the sink today
Criticism – I see the dishes are still sitting there. How come you don’t keep your promises?
Complaint – There’s no gas in the car. Why didn’t you fill it up like you said you would?
Criticism – Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the gas tank and you didn’t.
Complaints and criticism are closely connected, yet different. Gottman says the easiest way to turn a complaint into a criticism is to add his favorite line, “What’s the matter with you?”
Contempt conveys disgust. Things that convey disgust are things such as certain kinds of sarcasm and cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Gottman says it’s the worst of the four horseman. Here’s an example:
You tease me about always being out washing my truck, yet you always pay somebody to wash your car. Look how much money that is costing us – that is outrageous, and is probably the most spoiled thing that you do.
You can almost hear the sub-text here: You make me sick.
Third is defensiveness. Defensiveness is a way of deflecting the things your partner says and essentially throwing blame back onto your partner. Defensiveness often comes out of us when we have been unfairly attacked or criticized by our partner. It may sound like this:
Woman: How come you never shovel the driveway?
Man: Because you always leave your car parked there. (Defensive). You might consider trying the garage. You never know what you might get out of me. (Sarcasm – a form of contempt)
Finally is stonewalling. Stonewalling is refusing to say anything, or often even to acknowledge your partner is talking. It may take the form of hiding behind the newspaper, retreating to another room, looking down, not maintaining eye contact. Stonewalling usually enters a relationship when the levels of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness have become so high that a person thinks stonewalling will yield a better outcome, or at least a less terrible one. Women frequently complain that their partner is stonewalling, usually unaware that criticism, contempt, and defensiveness are usually what cause stonewalling to pop up.
Ever heard of nouthetic counseling? Nouthetic counseling is a type of counseling that begins with the belief that the Bible is the only counseling manual we should use – that found in the pages of the Bible are the answers to every human relational and personal problem. I not only disagree with this philosophy, I will say outright that I think it’s baloney. The Bible brings up money but it’s not the only book we should ever read on money. The Bible talks about sex, but it doesn’t contain all the world’s information about sex. The Bible often mentions nature, but I think it’s okay to read National Geographic.
But here’s what I do believe. Issues people bring to counseling are very, very often spiritual issues. In almost every counseling case I can think of, sin is somehow the cause. Selfishness is the root of many of our emotional problems. I’ve floated John Gottman by you. That’s good stuff. We need to look at it and we’re going to look at it more. But let me float something else by you that’s pretty good too, because I don’t want to throw Gottman out there without an understanding of James. James asks:
James 4:1-2 (NIV)
1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?
2 You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.
John Gottman tells us that when we fight, we need to be careful about criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. The four horseman of the apocalypse. We need to understand those things. As a pastor I don’t want to simply have a couple sitting in my office and say, Your problem is sin, you know. Let’s pray and make it all better. That’s not the way it will work most of the time. I think John Gottman is an incredible resource for counselors and we are foolhardy to ignore him. But James asks another question we need to look at: What CAUSES fights and quarrels among you? And he turns the spotlight right where I want to turn it today. “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” In other words, don’t you fight because of all these unmet needs inside? Do you feel those things just tearing you apart? Guys, do you ever feel like you’re going to explode if she doesn’t just give you a little credit for once? Ladies, do you sometimes feel like if he doesn’t take a chance and connect with you that you’re just going to shrivel up and die inside? “What causes fights and quarrels? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” He goes on to talk about the lengths we go to to get these needs met: you kill and you covet, but you cannot have what you want.” You criticize each other. You demonstrate contempt for each other. You respond defensively toward one another. You stonewall and shut one another out.
But what’s cool about that is where James gives the solution. James says, “You do not have because you do not ask God.” The solution, then, is becoming a God-centered spouse! As long as you demand that your partner meet all your needs, you will be at war within yourself, and with your spouse. As long as you live in some dream-world where Mr. Prince Charming or Miss Perfect 10 will meet every need, satisfy every desire, you will be driven to quarrels and wars by your deep unmet needs. But center yourself on God, ask God for what you need, look to God as the source of true peace, true contentment, true joy – and you will suddenly find yourself gaining what you were lacking. You’ll discover not that all your needs are met, but something far greater – freedom from the press of constant need. Freedom from having expectations of others that can never be fulfilled. Freedom from the self-centeredness that causes us to turn inward on ourselves and become depressed and resentful and angry. Freedom from the need to have the constant approval of others. Folks, I believe freedom is not in having all our needs met, freedom is being free from the press of constant need. The Apostle Paul wrote in the Bible:
Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)
11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
American culture is always telling you about how you can have your needs met. God wants to come into your life and show you a way of living where you need less.
What does any of this have to do with John Gottman? Actually a great deal. Do you have any appreciation for how difficult it is, if you’re a critical person, to see that in yourself and do something about it? Do you realize how hard it is, if you’re a naturally contemptuous person, to acknowledge the seriousness of that? Do you understand how hard it is, if you are a stonewaller, or a defensive person, to drop those methods and open up and try something else? It takes work. It takes effort. It takes heart change. It takes patience and practice and desire and dedication and willingness to face hard truths about yourself. In verse 11 Paul says, “I have LEARNED to be content.” In verse 12 he says, “I have learned the SECRET of being content.” And what is that secret? “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” It’s a secret, see – contentment is a secret – it’s not obvious.
Notice Paul had to LEARN this secret. He had to go through the process of hearing the secret, believing it, and then consistently applying it in his life until he had LEARNED it. It’s a process. It takes time and effort and determination.
Learning = Hearing + believing + applying
This means we cannot walk out of here today completely finished with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. We cannot walk out of here today completely dependent on God and completely content in every aspect of our lives and free from the inner conflicts that drive us to quarrel with each other. We have a lot to learn – heart changes that take time. I’m looking at two heart changes today. One of them begins when we say, “I don’t want to be critical anymore. I want to learn to communicate without contempt or defensiveness. I want to open up and stop stonewalling.” The other one begins when we say, “God, why do I do these things in the first place? What’s up with all these unmet needs within me that just rage all the time and cause me to quarrel and fight with those I love? Will you help me learn the secret of being content, to need less?” Both of those questions require heart change and I want to urge you to ask God to help you make both changes.
We’re really dealing with the deepest levels of reality here. On the surface is the conventional wisdom that tells us, “It’s arguments over sex and money and in-laws and child-rearing that split a couple up – you’d better learn how to communicate.” John Gottman comes along and says, “No it’s not. Those arguments aren’t directly related to divorce at all. What splits a couple up is the basic way they TREAT one another. It’s a heart thing.” Then James come along and says, “Yeah, but what causes these fights in the first place? Isn’t it because you don’t go to God with your needs?” Then Paul comes along and says, “Yeah, and when you go to God with your needs, God will teach you the secret to contentment – God will free you from having so much need.” That’s brass tacks right there.
1. Conventional wisdom – Conflicts cause divorce.
2. Gottman – Mistreatment causes divorce.
3. James – Unmet needs cause mistreatment and conflict.
4. Paul – Let God teach you to need less.
So we go to God with our needs. We ask God to help us see ourselves for who we really are. Ask Him to show us all the criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling we employ as a way of getting our partner to do or be who we want them to be. We don’t just work on being less critical, less contemptuous, etc., we must understand that we need to be doing these things in order that God may perfect holiness in us. We need to see criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as things we do because we are – what? Sinners. Every one of us. We need to go beyond John Gottman and see the spiritual realities behind these things he has identified. “God replace criticism with graciousness in my heart. Replace contempt with your boundless love and kindness. Replace defensiveness and stonewalling with authentic openness in my heart.”
I’m going to ask you to pray with me in a moment. Before I do, I want to give you tips on what to do when you walk out that door in a little while.
First, begin by praying that prayer regularly – God, please begin to replace these things in my heart. Help me learn to be content, and help me see my marriage as a good place to practice.
Second, after you have had an argument, and have had a chance to cool off, begin thinking back through what you said and how you said it. Identify your words or body language that communicated one of these four destructive things and really take responsibility for your own stuff. This not about the other person, this is about you. You might write it down in a journal or find some other way to help you really think it through.
Third, and this is the hardest part of all – I want to challenge you to humbly go to your partner and ask their forgiveness. Tell them what you did wrong, and sincerely ask them to forgive you and let them know you are working on it. You talk about dismantling an atomic bomb! You will do more in this discussion to create an environment of healing than perhaps you have done in a long time. Make a practice of this and you have begun a process not only of reversing much damage that perhaps has already been done, but you are opening yourself and allowing God to create a new heart in you. I hope that is the desire of your heart today. Let’s pray.
