The Flip-Side of Loving
David Flowers
Wildwind Community Church
August 20, 2006
Do you have a hard time identifying whether or not you are growing closer to God? I mean, that’s a hard thing to see in yourself, isn’t it? Don’t you wish there were a way of being able to tell beyond doubt whether you are growing closer to God? Well it just so happens there is. You can know this morning if you are growing closer to God. See, Jesus gave us a litmus test, a way of knowing.
John 13:34-35 (NIV)
34 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
35 By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. Do you want to know if you’re getting closer to God? All you have to do is answer this question: Are you gradually getting better at loving and being loved? Now of course people without Christ in their lives at all can work on exercises that will help them get better at loving and being loved. Jesus isn’t saying that love makes you his disciple, he’s saying you can’t be his disciple without love. In other words, if you claim to be a Christ-follower, the evidence of your followership will be that you are gradually getting better at loving and being loved.
I’m convinced that there are really two huge problems in this area of love. First is that you and I do not love enough. We do not love deeply enough, consistently enough, faithfully enough, and tenaciously enough. Second is that we do not allow ourselves to be loved. This second problem is perhaps greater than the first. 99% of all the sermons you hear in church about love are about how we have to learn to be more loving. What about learning to allow others to love us? We’re worse at allowing others to love us than we are at loving others, and it’s at least partly because it’s a completely neglected topic. But look at this with me.
John 13:1-9 (NIV)
1 It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.
2 The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus.
3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God;
4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.
5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
6 He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"
7 Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
8 "No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."
9 "Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"
Let me ask you, what was Peter’s problem here? Was Peter’s problem that he was finding it hard to love Jesus? No, Peter’s problem was that he was finding it hard to let Jesus love him! Most treatments of this passage deal with Christ’s servanthood to his disciples, and how we need to model that servanthood as he commanded us to do. Some deal with how we need to allow God to bestow grace and love on us. Obviously I have no problem with this. But were it not for Peter’s resistance, we wouldn’t have much of a story here. Let’s read the story with a different ending, with a cooperative Peter.
3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God;
4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.
5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
6 He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"
7 Jesus replied, "Yeah. I’ve washed everybody else’s feet, and now it’s your turn. Is that okay with you?"
8 Peter said, “Of course, be my guest. Just wondering.”
Thumbs up or down on THAT story? I’d give it a big thumbs-down. A cooperative Peter screws up the story. Peter’s resistance, his difficulty in allowing Jesus to love him, is key in this passage.
Now you might be tempted to think, “Well, it makes the story interesting, but it doesn’t really teach us anything. After all, the Bible doesn’t say the other disciples resisted. We can’t make some general point from this passage about how we’re all reluctant to allow God/others to love us.” But there are two reasons I believe we can, and should, make this general point from the example of Peter.
The first reason we can and should conclude that Peter’s difficulty in letting Jesus love him applies to all of us is based on an understanding of the human personality. Peter is always portrayed in the Bible as the disciple who said what he was thinking. The vast majority of people in this world do not do that, including most of Christ’s other disciples. Most people want to not rock the boat. Most people want to keep the peace, make sure everybody gets along. Most people let the leader (who obviously was Jesus) get on with his/her agenda. To speak up, to speak your mind, especially to oppose or confront your leader, is to risk having other people not like you. People usually don’t like troublemakers. And if Peter was anything, he was a trouble-maker. Peter was the guy you could usually count on to say something stupid, or obnoxious, or melodramatic, at just the right moment to embarrass everyone else and make himself look foolish. But it’s not like Peter somehow didn’t get Jesus and the other disciples did. The Bible portrays all of them as largely clueless about what Jesus was really up to in the world. The only difference between Peter and the other disciples was that Peter said what was on his mind. So based on that understanding, we can easily assume Peter wasn’t the only one in the room having difficulty that day, he’s just the guy who spoke up. Just like the one student who asks questions in math class is rarely the only one confused!
The second reason we can and should conclude that Peter’s difficulty in letting Jesus love him applies to all of us is because if it didn’t, it wouldn’t be in the Bible in the first place. The only reason God has given us the Bible is to show us ourselves. If the experiences of the people in this book have no relationship to you at all, then it’s a waste of time for you to read it, and to come and hear a person teach out of it every Sunday. In regard to Peter, I sometimes wonder if one of the main reasons he was a disciple is so there would be someone to say out loud all the stuff everybody else was thinking but too embarrassed to say. After all, it’s true that Peter denied knowing Jesus three times, but you know what? In the end only John was present at Christ’s crucifixion. The other disciples all distanced themselves too and in doing so, they denied him also. So in the Bible we see Jesus and how Jesus relates to sinful, broken people. That’s you and that’s me, like we talked about last week. By the way, you don’t have to blindly accept my word on this. All you have to do is read that story, get real honest with yourself, and ask yourself, “Is that me? Do I struggle to let people (and God) love me?” The majority of you, if you are honest, have to say yes to that. So let’s deal with that issue in the next few moments. Let’s start with a quiz.
Get out a pen or pencil and some scrap paper – I have just three questions for you.
1. When my family is in crisis and my small group members bring food to my home, I:
a. Work harder cleaning the house than I would have worked to make dinner, so the house is nice and presentable when food arrives
b. Figure nobody’s perfect, and let them see the dirt and mess. After all, they’re coming to serve me – they probably love me even with a messy house.
c. Small group? I would never join a small group!
d. Are you kidding? I’d never let other people know my family is in crisis!
2. When a disaster of some kind happens in my life, family, or home, I:
a. Inform my friends when they call, “Thanks for the offer to help, but I got it.” After all, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems.
b. Pick up the phone and call to ask others for help
c. Are you kidding? I’d never let other people know about a disaster in my life!
3. I like to think of myself as:
a. One who is available for others, serving them however I can
b. One who gives others the joy of serving when I need something
c. Both A and B
d. The lone ranger
e. Superman
f. Wonder Woman
How’d you do? Did you realize that you do not easily allow others to serve you, to love you? More important, did you identify those non-serving responses for what they are? If you need meals at your home, and someone goes to the trouble of making food and bringing it to you, and you spend time cleaning your house so it’s presentable when they get there, that is an act of resistance to the spirit of serving and love that brought them there. They came to do for you because you’re not in a place to do for yourself, and you worked as hard or harder getting your house ready for them as you would have worked preparing your meal on your own. That minimizes the importance of what they did. If you need meals brought to your home, you need to sit tight and wait for the food, not run around getting your house ready for it. And you know that anyone who loves you enough to bring food to you would agree 100% with what I’m saying, and that when you’re the food-bringer, you don’t care what the person’s house looks like. Doesn’t help when you’re the bring-ee though, does it? The way we act in these situations would be like Peter going off in a corner and wiping his feet off with a dry towel, and picking crud out from his toenails so Jesus wouldn’t have to see the mess when he’s cleaning. That defeats the spirit of what is supposed to be happening. I challenge you, next time someone agrees to bring food to your house, sit on your butt and wait for food to arrive. Don’t take the meal by poking your head out the door and saying a quick thanks. Allow the bringer to bring it in, set it on the table for you, even to move your stuff to the side to make room for it. Folks, do not clean your feet before someone shows up to wash them for you! And don’t say, “I don’t care if other people have dirty houses – I’m okay with that, I just want my own to be clean.” The problem with that is that if others never see your house as anything but immaculate, that will make it nearly impossible for them to relax when you are around. I’m not saying you should let your house go to pot to make others feel better, I’m saying that when you are in need and your house is less than perfect, do not be driven by your pride to make it other than what it is. And this isn’t just for women. Guys, the same holds for you. If you have some fellas coming over to help with a project, and you’ve been really stressed out and your lawn isn’t mowed, let it go. Who are you trying to impress?
What about when we really could use some help and we tell people, “I got it – I’m good, thanks.” It comes from the same place the house cleaning comes from. It’s pride. Pure and simple. We dress it up in all kinds of nice phrases, like “Well, I’m sure they’re busy too,” or “I don’t want to bother them.” But the bottom line is that it’s resistance to people who are trying to love us and to show that love through service.
See, it is true that if you do not learn to love others, you are hindering the building of community in the church. And it is equally true that if you do not learn to allow others to love you, you are hindering the building of community in the church. I did not start Wildwind Church to be a haven for Supermen and Wonder Women. I did not dream of creating a church full of people who always keep their houses clean, always present themselves just so, always have just taken a fresh shower, always have enough energy to manage their own lives, can always find a way to get by and make things happen. In fact, I dreamed of just the opposite. I dreamed of a place that will love every human being, even in their Mel Gibson moments. I dreamed of a place where we don’t have to have it all together, where we can learn to be who we are, and stop being ashamed of being human. I know Grand Blanc is a fairly affluent community, and I know appearances are important in affluent communities, but to me that’s all the more reason why we have to insist on something beyond appearances. Something tells me we cannot fully serve God if we’re ashamed of being human. If we are to ever be the community God wants us to be, we have to learn to accept grace. Grace is unmerited favor. Grace is what is left when you have run out of energy and can’t accomplish any more, and you still don’t deserve to be loved, but find that you’re loved anyway. Grace is what spills over into the embarrassing places of your life you think you’d prefer no one to ever see, but after someone sees them and loves you anyway, you realize you are receiving true love. Accepting grace is what allows us to stop being performing monkeys and human-doings, and allows us to finally be human beings. Grace is what reminds us that we are not just the sum of the roles we play, the products we buy, the meals we eat, the cells and nutrients we carry in our bodies, or the children we raise, but we are souls – things that cannot be cheapened or divided up, or reduced to their basic elements. Grace is big enough to accommodate the mystery that we are flesh, and yet have an eternal spirit. Consider this. When you refuse to try to appear perfect to others, you give them permission to not have to appear perfect to you – you are ministering grace to them.
We need to learn to accept grace, to live in grace, and it starts by allowing other people to love us, to bestow loving grace on us – to stop trying to impress people, give up the painted-on smile, and humbly accept food, or other blessings, from their hands. We all say we want to be loved, but most of us are terrible at letting others love us. We have to learn to accept love from other people. After all, didn’t Jesus say that loving each other was a command he was giving us? I assure you, if Jesus commanded other people to love, then in the same sentence, with the same words, he commanded you to let them do it. If Jesus commanded you to love, then in the same sentence, with the same words, he commanded others to let you do it! Jesus told Peter, “If I don’t wash you, you have no part with me.” In other words, “You cannot love me without letting me love you.”
Finally this morning, we have to realize that there is a cost to being loved. We often talk about sacrificial love – the price you have to be prepared to pay in order to really love someone. That’s all well and good, but what about the cost of being loved? If you are to be loved, you must learn 1) to be part of a community; 2) to humbly accept loving acts from other people; and 3) to pay the price. Does that sound strange?
Yes, there is a price to being loved. Do you know what it is? It is willingness to bear the responsibility that comes with it. Let me give you an example. A person (let’s call this person Leslie) joins a small group, because she wants to love and be loved. She becomes close friends with the people in her group. But after a year or so, Leslie starts allowing life to kind of crowd group out, and her attendance becomes very sporadic. There’s always an excuse. Group members keep contacting her and saying, “We miss you – are you coming back to us? What’s going on?” Eventually someone asks these questions and Leslie angrily replies: “Why are you guys laying all this baggage on me? Man that just brings me down! Why don’t you stop getting up on me about that and leave me alone – I’ll be back when I’m back.”
Leslie has missed the point of being loved. She loved being loved when the food was coming. She loved being loved when group was helping her through illness. She loved being loved when she came to group after a terrible day at work. All of that support came from people who cared about her. What she didn’t understand is that when people care about you, they miss you when you walk out of their lives. Then, when they ask what’s happening in your life and you get irritable with them for asking (i.e., “caring”), you show that you just do not get what it means to let people love you. You cannot be important to people, endear yourself to them, and then expect them not to care when you start drifting out of their lives and they ask what’s happening. You can’t have it both ways. There is a cost to being loved, and that cost is the responsibility that naturally comes when someone loves you. Just like Jesus made it clear to Peter that if you’re going to love me, you have to let me love you, it is also true that if you’re going to let others love you, you must bear the responsibility to love them in return. That’s why both sides of the coin are essential. If you love others but don’t allow others to love you, you deprive them of the chance to be obedient to God, and pride gets the best of you. If you allow others to love you, but do not accept the responsibility of loving them in return, you exploit them. Love means loving and being loved. I submit to you this morning that no matter how much you may love and serve others, if you do not allow others to come along and serve you, you have a great deal of work to do when it comes to love.
By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. We often forget that there’s more to love than just loving. In fact, that’s only half of the equation. We must also learn to receive love, to let others love us. We cannot have community without both of these things happening.
Do you find it hard to let people love you? Do you make excuses to keep people far from you? Do you make things in your life look better than they are so no one can see your mess? Like Peter, do you find it hard to let someone serve you? What Jesus showed us that day is that we cannot simply say we’re in a relationship with someone and leave it at that. We must serve them. And then, when it’s our turn, we must allow them to serve us. That’s love. Love is taking off the masks, learning to be real with each other, learning to stop believing we’re virtuous for always “putting others first” and realize that sometimes this is the ultimate form of selfishness, because it allows us to always be the giver and keeps us from having to humble ourselves and receive. And if we can’t receive from one another, we can’t receive from God. Because we come to God primarily as receivers. We have nothing to give to God! God gives, and we must humbly receive. For the sake of your soul, practice humbly receiving next time someone shows up at your house with a meal, or with a hammer. Take off the mask, and let others know your need. The litmus test for whether you are growing closer to God is whether you are getting better at loving and being loved. So are you? Or are you still working on making sure your smile stays on just right, even when you really need to let someone love you?
