PEOPLE OF PURPOSE
FATHER’S DAY – 2004
INTENTIONALITY OF PURPOSE: TAKE A HOUSE & BUILD A HOME
1 SAMUEL 3:1-10
©DR. LARRY L. THOMPSON (2004)
“The boy Samuel ministered before the Lord under Eli. In those days the word of the Lord was rare; there were not many visions. [2] One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place. [3] The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the Lord, where the ark of God was. [4] Then the Lord called Samuel. Samuel answered, "Here I am." [5] And he ran to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me." But Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down." So he went and lay down. [6] Again the Lord called, "Samuel!" And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me." "My son," Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down." [7] Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him. [8] The Lord called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me." Then Eli realized that the Lord was calling the boy. [9] So Eli told Samuel, "Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ’Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.’ " So Samuel went and lay down in his place. [10] The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening.” 1 Samuel 3:1-10 (NIV)
Introduction:
From a biblical standpoint, Eli missed a great opportunity to purposefully give his children a godly foundation. The first two shots he took at raising boys were an abysmal failure, and he gave the world two monsters. Parents must understand you simply can not leave your children to chance. God is obviously a gracious God, because he gave Eli a third opportunity. When Hannah and Elkanah presented their precious young son, Samuel, to live with him at the temple, this time we see intentionality in the purpose of building a spiritual foundation in the life of the boy entrusted to his care.
Ask Eli this question: “What is your intentional purpose in the raising of Samuel?”
Eli may have answered: "My intentional purpose is to build a home where I can raise this young man to know the voice of God and to understand the importance of obeying God’s voice.”
There could be no higher call for the man who was privileged to be called ‘Dad.’ Eli’s job was to take his house and now build a home.
Any healthy male past the age of puberty can father a child, but it takes a man who understands his purpose in life to be a father. The mission of the man called “Dad” is to raise children in such a way that, like Samuel, they may be able to discern the voice of God and with a biblical foundation make the proper choice in their response. This encounter with God happened in the home of Eli and Samuel.
Being in the ministry our family has lived in several houses through the years. Each house is different. Some of the houses we loved, some we liked and some we hated. However, there is one commonality among all the houses in which we lived. It was my responsibility as the father, along with my partnership with Cynthia as the mom to take each house entrusted to our care and build a home for our family. Let me be quick to say that not every house a family lives in is a home.
To turn a house into a home takes commitment, time, understanding, wisdom, love and patience. Most of all it takes a deep abiding love for Jesus Christ and a commitment to His word.
I don’t know about your family but in our family certain rooms became teaching points as God allowed us to have the privilege of raising our daughters. I thought today I would go from room to room and with the help of God’s word, show you what is necessary to turn your house into a home. This message is designed to illustrate the intentional purpose for the Man Called “Dad.”
FRONT DOOR: RAISE YOUR FAMILY TO BUILD ONE ANOTHER
The front door opens into the house. It is imperative that the father intentionally understand that his purpose begins when his family walks through that front door. I remember years ago walking through the front door and hearing Jennifer and Taylor standing nose-to-nose, ripping each other apart. I was amazed at the words and the anger coming out of dainty little girls. I was grieved, as a father would be watching his children rip each other apart. Then I put my hands on their shoulders so they maintained this limited distance, and I said, “Listen carefully. This place is called home. It is unlike any other place. When you enter into a home, people do things differently. In a home, you build each other up. Did you hear that word? They ’build’ each other. Say it for me, very slowly."
What do we do in this home? “Build each other.”
“Say it again louder, so I can hear you better.”
“We Build each other.”
“Yes, that’s what you do in a home. You build each other. Outside this door of our home is a different world, unlike our home, many people in this world cut each other up. They compete with each other and are jealous of each other. And sometimes you have to look over your shoulder to see who may be coming up behind you. You should never have to do that in our home. I anticipate from this moment forward that your conversation will always be “Building”, because in this home we are intentionally here to build and grow godly men and women.”
One great purpose of a home is to create an environment where we intentionally build up one another. The rest of the world is a place where people are discriminated against, are denied their rights, are made to feel something less than they are. But in a home, the number-one task of parents is to build people, to create an environment in which people can grow.
Illustration: Rose Garden
Taylor and I planted a rose garden in Merritt Island and I put out a little sign with a string border encouraging people not to walk where the seeds had been planted. Parents need to provide that border and sign like that could go on the front door of every home. “Seeds are planted here. Children are growing. People are being built. Be very careful not to step on someone.”
Our unspoken cliché became to encourage one another. Be careful what you teach in your home because there are times when the roles are reversed and you become the student. There are times when I have said something to Cynthia in an unkind manner and one of our girls have quickly reminded me, “Now Dad, let’s say it again, our home is to build people not tear them down? Why don’t you say it again to Mom and see if can get it right this time.”
I believe one day the men entrusted with wives and children will stand before God, and among the first questions He may ask would be, “Did your child and spouse grow to be all that I designed them to be in the environment you created?” The front door of your house is a great reminder that you are called to build people as you build a home.
THE KITCHEN: REQUIRE COMMUNICATION IN THE FAMILY
One of the favorite places in our homes has always been the kitchen. In the two homes that we have built Cynthia had them designed so that the kitchen would open into the family room. She did this intentionally to create an environment that would lend itself to communication. In our kitchen was a lovely old table we had refinished, and around that table we ate our meals. When it was time to eat we had a rule that the phone was not to be answered because when we were at the table, communication within our family was the ultimate priority. That did not happen by accident, for as our children began to enter the pre-teen years, Cynthia and I discovered that our family schedule was falling into the hands of everybody outside the house. The children were victimized in a positive sense by the wonderful things to do in the school. The church had its own programs. The community had its programs. If we did not have control of our family calendar, before long we would be going in four different directions, finding no real purposeful time together. Many of our homes today are not even houses…they are simply hotels where the guests come to sleep, eat, clean up and then leave without saying a word to one another.
One day when our girls were small Cynthia made an announcement with my support. She said, “From this day forward, every evening at supper time, we are going to eat together. It will become a required part of the daily schedule. We will sit down as a family, share a meal and share our hearts.” In a very real sense suppertime became much more than eating. It was the relational event in which the family talks to one another. I believe that intentional communication and sharing of our lives is an essential part of every family.
No one will learn to talk if the time is not taken and if interruptions are not minimized. I can’t even begin to tell you how many great conversations that happened around that old table. Every Saturday morning the girls would come and sit down at the table with Cynthia and for hours they would “girl talk.” There were the evenings when one of the children came home defeated in an event at school and the opportunities to vent their feelings and frustrations; or the moments when the interesting questions merged into long conversations about our faith, boys, school, boys, college, boys, work, boys…and now marriage. Then there are the absolutely precious moments when your house becomes a home when you, like Eli, have a divine appointment to teach your children how to hear and respond to the voice of God or how do you really know the will of God.
Fathers you have to be creative to intentionally create a climate of communication. At times you have to use humor and other times you have to be the initiator of asking forgiveness from your family to show and share the example. Sometimes it takes a father who admits to his children that he also had struggles that day, or that he has failed. But sooner or later, because the time is intentionally taken, families will learn to talk.
Illustration of Jen coming to the table when she was six and not talking. We quickly discovered a teacher in her school had embarrassed her when she disciplined her for talking she said, “You’re the preacher’s daughter and you know better, come stand up here in the front of the room.” First of all, we always told our daughters they were not “the preacher’s daughter” they were the beautiful and godly daughters of Larry and Cynthia. (That’s a quick way to give the enemy an opportunity to turn a child away from their faith when they are penalized or judged simply based on the identification of their father or mother.) I sat at the table and said, “That teacher goes to our church right? Next Sunday morning I’m going to call her up and say, “You’re the preacher’s kid’s teacher aren’t you? You see her more than I do and you made her talk like this all the time and you just come up here to the front and sit in my chair the rest of the sermon.”
Illustration of Taylor coming to our table and confessing to us that she had lied about a party she had gone to and then the process of seeing her own up to the mistake and make it right. This was one of the proudest days of my life as a dad.
THE LIVING ROOM: RECOGNIZE WHEN TO LISTEN OR WHEN TO LEAD
The living room was the place where the world’s problems could be solved. The living room was the gathering place at our home and it was not unusual to walk into the living room and see eight or ten young people sitting around the fireplace talking about school, relationships, church or the Lord. The living room was a lovely place, and we all liked it very much. However, there are times when you walk into the living room, (By the way they don’t call it “living room” by accident.) You find a member of your home that is wounded or contemplative and they need a response from those in authority and especially from those they feel safe in both love and trust.
The issues of the “living room” are sensitive issues, issues very important to the family and certainly to each family member. Our family and each member of our family had their own share of “living room” experiences. Those are personal and will remain private within our family. However there is some counsel I can give the fathers how desire to turn their house into a home. Here are some keys to intentionally and with purpose build your family during the important issues of life confronted in the living room.
1. RESPOND BY FAITH…DO NOT REACT IN THE FLESH. Far too many men react to situations and I am just as guilty as the next. Our goal as spiritual leaders is to LISTEN and respond to each situation biblically so the example is part of the foundation for the future.
2. KNOW WHEN TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO LEAD. It is important that you deal with each situation in light of that personal need in the child’s life. Let me share something with you that may help you visualize what is important in these particular situations. There are times in scripture when we are compared to the strength of an oak tree: “You will be like an oak with fading leaves, like a garden without water.” Isaiah 1:30 (NIV) There are other times when you are compared to a beautiful but so fragile flower. “Then our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants...” Psalm 144:12 (NIV) “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens.” Song 2:2 (NIV)
Those oak trees grow and stand tall, they take time but they are sturdy and they can stand alone in the face of adversity and survive. As a matter of fact you go up against the oak and you know you are facing a losing battle.
However, the plants and flowers also grow to fullness and have their own particular beauty and grace. But even in their full growth and beauty they are fragile and they need protection. You do whatever you can to protect the beautiful little roses in your family garden.
Here’s the importance of the discernment of godly parents: You must ask in every situation “Are they oak trees or are they roses?” If they are oaks in a particular situation you listen and affirm their action. If they are beautiful roses that feel frightened by the elements then you need to build a fence and give them protection.
Explain this illustration to your children and then in every living room illustration ask the question: “Are you an oak or a rose? If you are an oak, I will listen, pray for you and leave you alone. If you are a rose, I will listen, pray for you and then stand with you as your protection until the elements of this situation are past.”
CLOSETS: REALIZE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PREFERENCE AND CONVICTION
Our closets are a source of contention. After downsizing from a house to a condo Cynthia has laid down a law, which by the way the kingdom did not get to vote on this issue, it came simply as an edict from the Queen. “Anything new brought into this condo must first be replaced with something we throw out or it must go into your closet.”
I don’t like the new law of the land. It cramps my style to have the clothes steamer, the automatic coin changer, the suitcases, the golf clubs, the practice putting green, the shoe shiner, my DVD movies, all the cleaning for the dry cleaners, all the emergency gifts that Cynthia buys for “emergency.” Don’t ask me to explain this one… The only answer I got was, “Sometimes you need a gift immediately and this way we always have some one hand.”
You start to get the picture. What I want to tell you about the closets in the home is you have to realize the difference between preference and conviction. Some things are simply preference no big deal, you can let it go, it doesn’t need to hang around, others are conviction…I’ve got to keep that in my closet it is one of the necessities.
Father’s must realize that there are times you lose a battle to win a war. If you make EVERYTHING a conviction in your home then you are setting your home up for rebellion. A part of building a house into a home is allowing the child to grow and a part of growing is allowing the child to make decisions. Some decisions you make for them based on conviction. Some they must make for themselves so they can learn from their decisions and in doing so build their own convictions.
Illustration: Taylor wanting to go to a sleepover of a friend whose family we did not know well and were not members of our church. Our initial reaction was “No” but this invitation was a big deal to a young girl in grade school. Being invited by the “right people” is very important. Her tears and broken heart was terrible and her spirit crushed. “Why don’t you trust me?” We tried to explain we trust you it is others we don’t know that we have difficult time trusting. Finally after assurances that we would get the family’s phone number, Cynthia would call the mother to check out exactly what was going on then we changed our mind. The next day Taylor came home and said she had a good time except when they showed the movie Ghostbusters. That is a movie we had told our girls that we would not see and Cyn and I both reacted before we heard our daughter say, “I just told her parents I was not allowed to see the movie and I would just play in the bedroom until the movie was over.” OAK TREE GROWING HERE!!!
REALIZE the DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PREFERENCE & CONVICTION.
OUR BEDROOM: RECEIVE IMPROMPTU VISITS
Eli had the impromptu visits from Samuel and fortunately he was open enough to finally realize what was happening in the young man’s life and gave him godly counsel to listen and wait for the Lord to give you His wisdom.
The bedroom is the place you receive the impromptu visits. There was the night at 11:30 when a soft knock came on the door and a rather quiet voice said, "Mom, Dad, can I come in for a moment?" The door opens and our daughter bounces on the bed to tell us all about a date she had just experienced.
You say to yourself, "Thank God we have a relationship where they feel they can walk into the bedroom for those late night visits and share their joys as well as the burdens of their hearts.”
We talk about what ever we’re talking about, give each other an embrace, and she goes to her bed. Thank God, our children knew this was a room to which they could come no matter what the hour to talk about what was in their hearts.
GARAGE: RELEASE YOUR CHILDREN TO GROW AND GO
The garage brings memory of the girls first learning to drive. Let me tell you a scary thought…I taught my girls to drive. How well did I do? Taylor has wrecked two cars and finally gave up driving two years ago and now takes a bus to work everyday in D.C.
Jen is not quite at that same place but she scares me to death when I ride with her. (Can you imagine me saying someone scares me to ride with them?)
However, you know the garage doesn’t just remind me of teaching the girls how to drive. It reminds me that there comes a day when the car you helped them purchase pulls out of the drive way as they go to college, or to get their own apartment or to be married and you know that car no longer belongs at your house and you are dying on the inside and yet you know you being obedient to Christ and His word to release them. Children were never ours to keep, they are only ours to raise. The tragedy is that so many parents refuse to open the garage door and release their children. One of the biggest mistake many parents make is they forget the children are the temporary residents of the home. You have some families where dad goes to work mom raises the children, dad comes home from work and the entire family evolves around the child. I call this the “child centered home” and the tragedy of a child centered home, other than it not being biblical, is that one day when the children leave the husband and wife realize they have lost the only thing they had in common and the home is lost and a house goes up on the market. YOU MUST RAISE YOUR CHILDREN TO RELEASE THEM.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Ephes. 5:31 (NIV)
Conclusion:
A house is a place that becomes a home when there is the intentional purpose of a father and mother to:
• Raise your family to BUILD one another
• Require Consistent COMMUNICATION
• RECOGNIZE When to Listen and When to Lead
• Realize the Difference Between PREFERENCE and Conviction
• Receive IMPROMPTU Visits
• RELEASE Your Children to Grow and Go
For some of you, that is a dream yet to happen. For others, it’s a dream in progress. For many of you, like us, it is a glorious past memory. But thank God for fathers who take the responsibility of taking a house and making it a home. Fathers who like Eli, intentionally help their children to hear the voice of God. It is one of the greatest privileges in the world.
