Processing Our Pain
Psalm 13[1]
6-5-05
Intro
We begin the message this morning with a clip from the movie “Steel Magnolias”. In this scene M’Lynn Eatonton (played by Sally Fields) is standing at her daughter’s grave as the funeral has come to an end. Watch as she processes her grief and her friends try to help her through the pain.
Begin (01:38:28) to (01:46:03)[2]
The Bible has a lot to say about our experiences with grief. Jacob grieved over the death of Rachael and later the false report of Joseph’s death. David grieved over the death of his dear friend Jonathan. Later we see him in pain over the loss of some of his children. The rebellion and death of Absalom was especially painful for David. In 2 Sam 19:4 he has his face covered and is wailing loudly, "O my son Absalom! O Absalom, my son, my son!" Those were real human experiences the Bible is telling us about. Much of the book of Job deals with Job’s loss and how he processed the pain of that loss.
Are you experiencing pain in this season of your life? No doubt there are some who are.
It’s a very real part of life. The rain falls upon the just and the unjust.[3] One day our salvation will be complete and there will be no sorrow and no tears in heaven. But Romans 8 reminds us that until that day we groan along with all of creation and experience the effects of the Fall. Bum Phillips, former coach of the Houston Oilers and Tennessee Titans once made the comment, “There are two types of coaches in the NFL: them that have been fired, and them that are goanna be fired.”[4] If you are not going through any loss or pain it would still be a good idea to be equipped for the possibility.
Death is not the only kind of loss people experience. A divorce represents a significant loss in a person’s life. If there are children the loss extends to them as well. It may be a loss of a career, the loss of personal savings, the loss of health, or any number of other things. Jeremiah grieved over the captivity of Jerusalem. Jesus wept over Jerusalem’s loss of opportunity when they rejected Him as their Messiah.
There is much is Scripture about joy and celebration. In fact, we plan to deal with that next week. But pain and sorrow is also a reality of life and denying that reality is a mighty poor way to deal with it. Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that there is a time for every thing. Eccl 3:4 “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance”. This morning we will talk about how to process our pain in a healthy way as believers.
1st Be real—be honest with yourself and with God about how you feel. I have discovered something very delightful about God: He can handle our humanity. Did you see that outburst of anger by Sally Fields in our movie clip? God doesn’t get nervous when that kind of thing happens. People may get uncomfortable—but God—He’s seen it before.
It may sound like I’m stating the obvious. But there is this weird, religious thing that can slip in that subtly demands that people be so proper that they (not only lose touch with the reality of the world around them) but they also lose touch with their own feelings. There is nothing healthy or victorious about that. When God made you and me He did not manufacture us with plastic. He made us out of the dust of the earth. He created us flesh and blood with a broad range of emotional capacity. Even the secular world recognizes that denial is not the way to deal with our pain.
Now hold this thought about being honest and real and let me suggest something else.
2. Go to God with your pain.
I want to use Psalm 13 as an example of how that is done. Look with me at Ps 13:1-2. “How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” I hope when you read passages like that you read them with a passion. I can not image David yawning sleepily as he prays (Read passage in very nonchalant way). David is in distress and he is upset with God for not intervening in his behalf. When you study the whole Psalm one thing is evident. David’s expression of what he was feeling did not get him out of favor with God. In fact, I see something wonderful happening as David offers up an honest conversation with God. He is able to process his feelings in such a way that all this frustration turns toward effectual petition. In the next two verses he begins to ask God for help. Verses 3-4 “Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; 4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.”
Now he’s praying. Imagine with me if he had simply come to God in a pious, religious tone. I think down deep he would still be struggling with those feelings (expressed in the first two verses) and his prayer would not have gotten the job done.
What am I saying? I’m saying we should go to God with our pain and when we go to Him we should be honest about what we’re really feeling inside. Do you remember Moses’ prayer in Exodus 5 when he has obeyed the Lord and confronted Pharaoh? I think Moses expected all this to go quick and easy since God was so involved in it. But Pharaoh’s response was to make life even harder for the Hebrew slaves by taking their straw away from them. Now hear Moses’ frustration and disappointment in the way God is handling the problem. Ex 5:22-23 (listen to his prayer), “Moses returned to the LORD and said, "O Lord, why have you brought trouble upon this people? Is this why you sent me? 23 Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble upon this people, and you have not rescued your people at all." It’s important to know how God responded to that prayer. Did God get upset with Moses’ irreverence? No, God saw his heart and encouraged him and then simply told him what he needed to do next.
Do you know how to pray your pain? Look in the Psalms and you will see many examples of how to do it. In Psalm 13 the very fact that David is coming to God in prayer demonstrates faith. Yes, his faith is being severely tried and he is indeed hurting. But down deep David knows God is the answer for his pain. There is a beautiful progression from the expression of that pain in the first two verses—to petitioning God for help in the next two—and then expressing confidence in God’s ability and willingness to bring him through the experience. Ps 13:5-6 “But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.” The shift in our emotions does not always occur that quickly. But as illustrated in the video clip—especially in the turmoil of significant loss—emotions can go from one extreme to the other quite fast. One minute you’re silent with grief. Next you’re lashing out in anger. And then a moment later you’re laughing your head off. That is the way it often works—unless you are shut down by social convention.
I’m not saying the pain gets healed quickly like that. It may take months or even years for the pain to go away. And even when the healing has occurred in a healthy way, scars remain as reminders of the experience. But there is a vast difference between a scar that no longer hurts and an infected wound that never healed up properly. That’s why we’re talking about all this. When you go to the doctor with a physical wound he is probably going to open that up and cleanse it before he does the stitches. Otherwise, the wound will get infected and give all kinds of problems later on. The cleansing of the soul comes when we are transparent and honest with God—when we pour our hearts out to God like the Psalmist did.[5]
If we would learn how to pray our pain—we might unload a whole lot less on the people around us. Our marriages might be better. All our relationships might improve. God can handle our pain. People are limited in their capacity to do so.
However, God sets the solitary in families[6] and we also need to understand the value of a spiritual community when we’re hurting. “Two are better than one ... and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”[7] We have talked about going to God with how we feel and being honest with Him. That’s part of the answer. But we also need to learn how to receive encouragement and healing in community. Go to God; but also --
3. Go to your brothers and sisters in Christ with your pain. That may be harder for some of you to receive than the counsel of going to God. We are all designed a little different and the amount of time we need alone verses time with others will vary. Both are important. Sometimes we need solitude and the opportunity for deep personal reflection. But God has not called any of us to “go it alone!” We are to live out our faith together. In fact, Rom 12:15 specifically tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” (NKJV) We are to empathize with one another and we are to walk this out together. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Gal 6:2 NKJV)
May this be a faith community where people can both weep and rejoice according to the realities of life they are experiencing. We are not into image—we are into reality! And if someone is hurting this should be a place where we do more than just say cheer up. May God enable us to come along beside them and help them through the difficulty.
In her book, Helping People Through Grief, Delores Kuenning gives some good, sound advice on how we should respond. She gives a list of dos and a list of don’ts.[8]
What to do in order to help those who are grieving:
1st Acknowledge the Loss. We are prone to pull back from those who are hurting because we don’t know what to say. There’s probably nothing we can say to remove their pain. What we can do is simply be there for them. Just a card or a call or a visit lets them know they are not forgotten.
2nd Give the mourner permission to grieve and express emotion. Don’t over react to swings in emotion. Let them know that it is ok to feel what they are feeling.
3rd Free the grief-stricken person to talk about the loss. Ask sincere questions and then listen for as long as they want to talk. One of the ways people process pain is to talk about it. Job needed to talk about his pain. There are several chapters where he does that. Sometimes people need to talk about the value of what was lost. Sometimes they will tell their stories over and over. Being a good listener can provide a much needed service to people who are hurting.
4th Offer practical forms of help—meals, child care, transportation, whatever might lighten their load. I’ve found that broad statements like “If there’s anything you need let me know” can sometimes be interpreted as just a polite thing being said rather than a genuine offer to help. If we will offer to do something specific the person might tell us that specific thing we offered is not needed. But then when we ask if there is anything we can do the person is much more likely to say what he or she needs.
5th Follow up monthly for the first year because most people fade away too quickly.
Kuenning says that 2nd and 3rd waves of loneliness often come at the 3rd month, 6th month, and 9th month. There is the tendency for everyone to respond when a tragedy first occurs but then go back to their busy schedules and move on to other things. Maybe we need to put reminders in our calendars so we do more follow up.
Here are five don’t that she gives:
1. Don’t make careless statements—like the ones Nell made in our clip. Don’t say trite things like “It was God’s will or he’s better off now.” Never say, “I understand how you feel” because we don’t. Did you notice in the clip that Nell’s efforts worked out ok anyway. That happened for two reasons. First, there was enough relational bank between M’Lynn (Sally Fields) and Nell that M’Lynn understood her heart. Second, when the conversation got awkward Nell did not get defensive. Instead she responded humbly. It’s amazing what a little humility will do for almost any situation.
2. Don’t attempt to answer the “why” questions. It’s usually better to just say “I don’t know why.” When you look at Job’s comforters you find them initially doing some things very right. When they heard of Job’s tragedy they interrupted their busy schedules and went to be with him.[9] When they came to Job they were sensitive to his pain and sat on the ground in silence with him. Job 2:13 says that none of them spoke a word for a week. When we go to a person in pain it is good to identify with the emotion that person is expressing at the time. I remember when I was a young pastor being asked to do the funeral for a family in the church that I didn’t know very well. When I knocked on the door I was expecting to see a room full of people sitting solemn and silent. Instead everyone was laughing. In my inexperience I was blown away. I don’t think they knew that. But I learned that day how practical the instruction in Romans 12:15 is: “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.” I learned to be sensitive and flexible in those kinds of situations.
Job’s “comforters” began well. But then they made a terrible mistake. When Job began to ask all kinds of why questions, these “comforters” thought he was actually asking them to give him information and answers. We need to learn how to distinguish betweens questions that are seeking answers from questions that are expressing pain and frustration. I have been married to my wife, Jeanie, for thirty years and I am just now realizing that when she asks a question—she is not always wanting me to give her answers. Sometimes she’s just processing her pain or frustration and would like for me to simply listen sympathetically. We men are problem solvers and we have to learn some other skills along the way. Job’s comforters would have done well to speak less and listen more.[10] Job’s answer ultimately came from God Himself[11] and that is often the way it happens.
3. Don’t encourage the grieving party to “get over it.” That will happen in its time if the person is allowed to process the pain in a healthy way.
4. Don’t discourage the expression of emotion even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
5. Don’t be alarmed by off the wall statements by the mourner. It’s typical for people in that state to make extreme and unwise statements.
A music artist named Charlie Peacock wrote some words in a song that express what we’re talking about.
(Now is the time for tears)
Now is the time for tears
Don’t speak, save your words
There’s nothing you can say
To take this pain away
Don’t try so hard
You can just simply be
Cry with me, don’t try to fix me, friend
That’s how you’ll comfort me
Heavenly Father, cover this child with mercy
You are my helper through this time of trial and pain
Silence the lips of the people with all of the answers
Gently show them, now is the time
Now is the time
Now is the time for tears
Now is the time for tears
Don’t speak, save your words…[12]
Are you hurting this morning? Do you need people to stand with you at this time in your life and pray for you? The sum of what we have said this morning is this: Come to God with your pain. If you need prayer today, as we sing the song, “What a Friend We Have In Jesus” I invite you to come forward.
Richard Tow
Grace Chapel Foursquare Church
Springfield, MO
www.gracechapelchurch.org
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[1] All biblical quotes are from New International Version unless otherwise indicated.
[2] The last portion of this clip might need to be cut in some situations.
[3] Matthew 5:45; Romans 8:23
[4] Larry Thompson, sermon entitled “Good Grief!” preached August 2003 at First Baptist Church in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
[5] 1 Samuel 1:15; Psalm 142:1-2; several other Psalms, Lamentations, and much of Job.
[6] Psalm 68:6
[7] Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
[8] I received this information through a message by Bill Hybles who got it from Kuennning’s book; but I can’t remember when he preached it or what the title of his sermon was.
[9] These were probably prominent, busy men.
[10] Job 42:7; Job 16:1-4
[11] Job 38-42
[12] Ryan Sato sermon entitled “Our Seasons of Grief” available at www.sermoncentral.com
