“Healthy Relationships”
The Role and Responsibility of Husbands Part 2
Ephesians 5:22-33
REVIEW
I. Our Wealth and Worth In Christ 1-3
II. Our Worthy Walk in Christ 4-6
A. Live in Unity 4:1-16
B. Live in Newness of life 4:17-24
C. Live in Love 4:17-24
D. Live in Purity 5:3-14
E. Live in Wisdom 5:15-6:9
1. Seize every opportune moment 15-16
2. Seek to understand the will of the Lord 17
3. Be continually filled with the Holy Spirit 18-20
a. Speaking and singing truth to one another and praise to God
b. Giving thanks for all things
c. Submitting to one another in the fear of Christ
Healthy responses by either husband or wife are the result of one who continually lives under the influence and empowerment of the Holy Spirit. One who lives their life by His power is evident by the singing of truth to others and praise to God, giving thanks in all things and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Paul amplifies what he meant by “submitting to one another” in the verse that follow.
Wives submitting to husbands who are to sacrificially love them
Children submitting to parents who are to love and nurture them
Slaves submitting to masters who are to treat them with respect
1) Wives submit to husbands who are to love them 22-33
Introduction
The state of marriage during the time of this writing had fallen to a horribly low level.
One writer said, "We have courtesans for the sake of pleasure; we have concubines for the sake of daily cohabitation; we have wise for the purpose of having children legitimately, and of having a faithful guardian for all our household affairs." Another writer claimed it was a husband’s aim that a wife "might see as little as possible, hear as little as possible and ask as little as possible." Socrates said, "Is there anyone to whom you entrust more serious matters than to your wife – and is there anyone to whom you talk less?" The ancient pagan man breathed adultery. The marriage bond was virtually meaningless.
Kent Hughes describes Paul's instruction here concerning marriage as a "bare-knuckled swing at the domestic ethics of his time." We have considered what Paul had to say to wives; both their role of willing support in their marriage and their response to their husbands.
I. The Role and responsibility of wives
A. Role: Willing Support
B. Response
1. Submit to husbands
2. Love husbands and children Titus 2:3-5
3. Respect you husbands Ephesians 5:33
We also got started on the God ordained role of the husband and his responsibility toward his wife.
II. The Role and Responsibility of husbands 5:22-33
A. Role: Loving Leader
For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. Ephesians 5:23
God established husbands as the head of the home; the loving leader. God will hold men as the one ultimately responsible for what happens or doesn’t happen in the family. God established the husband as the leader but not just any leader. God established the husband as LOVING leader just as the woman’s role is WILLING support; President and Vice-President working together toward to a God-given direction. The original rebellion corrupted the natural God-ingrained drive in men to lead, create and protect just as it derailed the natural drive in woman to willingly respect and support. Rather than serving the family by loving leadership and God-given gifts, man demanded control and defaulted to a tyrannical lording it over those he leads. From this passage and from the family passage in 1 peter I want to focus on three major responses required of husbands toward their wives.
B. Response
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
1. Love your wife
a. Love as Jesus loves
Sacrificial – gave Himself up for her
Intentional – Provides the necessary resources for spiritual growth and development
Purposeful – establishment of an intimate relationship
Even a cursory study of how Jesus loves the church will unearth a wealth of specifics related to loving our wives.
• Christ continually intercedes for the church – husbands need pray daily for their wives.
• Christ teaches the church – husbands need to share spiritual truth with their wives.
Of course, teaching presumes learning.
• Christ encourages the church – husbands need to encourage their wives by words and actions.
• Christ heals the church – husbands need to provide an environment for healing.
• Christ provides for the church – husbands need to provide for their wives.
Scripture talks about if anyone will not provide for his family's worse than the pagan.
• Christ models character – husbands need to develop and model godly character.
• Christ came to serve the church – husbands need to serve their wives.
• Christ is gentle – husbands need to approach their wives with gentleness.
• Christ is attentive (just time to) – husbands need to give their wives time.
The old farmer and his wife were in bed one night when a tornado swept through their little town tearing the roof off their house and lifting the bed with the old married couple still in it.
The wife began to cry at which point the husband assured her everything will be all right or not to cry. She called back and said that she just couldn't help it, as she was so happy. It was the first time they had been out together in 20 years.
• Christ forgives – husbands must forgive their wives and not become embittered against them.
Christ is faithful – husbands need to demonstrate faithfulness by keeping their promises, by keeping faithful to their vows, by staying faithful to her in thought and deed.
Hebrews calls for fidelity by reminding us that the marriage bed must be undefiled.
• Christ meets needs – husband should be aware of and seek to meet the needs of their wives.
God assigns husbands a significant role in the spiritual growth of their wives. Men, are your wives more like Christ because she's married to you or has her relationship with you caused her to become more like something else?
b. Love as your love yourself
Paul seeks to get men to reflect on how they treat themselves. Men are very concerned about their own well-being. Paul went as far as to say no one ever hated their own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it as something valuable and special. Not only are we called to love as Jesus loved were called to love as we would love and care for and cherish our own selves.
Are we as sensitive to what hurts her as to what hurts us?
Are we attentive to her desires as our own desires?
Are we as protective of her time and resources as we are of ours?
Are we is quick to fix her stuff as we are to fix ours?
Are we is anxious to see to it she has what she needs as we do what we need?
Just as giving to the needy equals giving to Jesus, loving our wives is equal to loving Jesus.
Not giving to or loving our wives is not loving or giving to Jesus. Loving your wife is loving yourself. What we do for our wives actually benefits us because we linked to her.
The opposite also is also true. Whenever we hurt our spouse, we end up hurting ourselves, as well as God.
How do I love like that? It’s just not in me. I am not really a lover.
First, God designed us to love sacrificially.
God wouldn’t command it if it were not achievable.
Second, God promises more than sufficient divine resources to love like that.
He wouldn’t command it if He didn’t “empower it”.
Suggested action points
1. Address the bitterness and grant forgiveness.
2. Address your own personal emptiness and renew your relationship with God.
3. Address your own selfishness and renew your commitment to love as Jesus loves.
2. Live with your wife in an understanding way
You husbands in the same way, living with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman;
The instruction directed toward husbands begins with the phrase “in the same way”.
That should cause you to ask what obvious question. In the same way as what? This section began with a discussion of how Jesus sacrificially suffered on behalf of those who didn’t even like Him. Wives were to submit to husbands who were not necessarily obedient to the word at the moment. Now husbands are instructed to have the same selfless attitude regarding their wives and live with them in an understanding way to the glory of God. The term “live” means to dwell together. Implied is a relationship of continual unity. Peter used a present tense participle (“ing” word) calling for a continuous understanding.
There is a difference between unity and togetherness. Two chickens tied together and thrown over a clothesline is togetherness but NOT unity. The word here implies making a house together. So many marriages are not a partnership or living in unity together. Many marriages appear more like two people agreeing to live under the same roof. Husbands are to live together with their wives according to understanding or knowledge. That means a husband needs to be able to understand how to effectively relate to his wife.
Peter includes a context of this understanding. Peter implies that they are the weaker vessel.
Weakness here does not equal inferiority. It simply means that there are certain limitations characteristic of females in general. Men need to understand the limitations of women.
Women, in general, have certain physical limitations compared to men. You don’t see coed professional football teams. This is not to depreciate women. Men have their limitations also.
Leave a man home alone with the kids for five days. Talk about who has limitations.
There is another thought about the specific meaning of weakness. Some interpret it to mean the weaker in reference to position. The wife has voluntarily submitted to a subordinate role which puts her in a vulnerable position. The instruction given to husbands is not to exploit the fact that the wife has submitted to him but to treat it as a valuable gift. Husbands are to treasure and cherish their wives like a fragile but valuable crystal goblet. For some of you it would be to treat her like a new set of golf clubs or a vintage Ferrari.
PRACTICAL THOUGHTS
Living with our wife according to knowledge breaks out into a myriad of practical applications.
It means we need to take time to try to understand her because she sometimes comes at issues with a completely different perspective than we do.
As the love and respect book so clearly points out, women speak with pink megaphones and hear with pink hearing aids where men speak with blue megaphones and hear with blue hearing aids. It makes for interesting and sometimes infuriating communication. To live according to knowledge requires that we take the time to try to understand her language.
Living according knowledge is to understand she has different needs than we have.
Living according to knowledge requires we figure out how to relate to her and show love according to her love language.
Living according to knowledge means that sometimes she just wants to be able to express her frustration and is not looking for someone to "fix" it.
There is a third required response for husbands in regard to their wives.
3. Laud (praise or honor) your wife as a fellow heir of God’s grace
…granting her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life,
Peter employed another present tense participle here indicating that this action is also to be continuous. The word means to assign or a portion to someone. It means to give what is someone's just due. Peter urges husbands not to take liberty with the role of their wives but to consider her worthy or give full and equal respect and honor. The word is also used in relation to an honorarium or compensation given for services. When a pastor performs a wedding or funeral there is generally an honorarium offered. The honorarium is a token of gratitude for services rendered.
The reason the husband is to grant this respect and honor or praise to his wife is because in the eyes of Christ they are co-heirs of God's grace. Under God's economy, husband and wife are equal. Both are not only created by God and for God but derive their life from God.
Both husband and wife are equal heirs to the grace that is to be brought to us at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Because of that, husbands need to treat their wives with appropriate honor.
Sometimes that honor may come in the form of praise and appreciation for all she does.
Sometimes that honor may come in how she's treated in public.
Sometimes that honor may come in what we don't do.
Even though the husband's role is head of the family, he has an obligation assigned by God…
to love his wife as Christ loves the church and as he loves himself
to live with his wife according to knowledge
to laud his wife as a fellow heir of God's grace.
Peter included in this passage some serious consequences for not following these instructions.
so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7
Husbands are to live this way "so that" their prayer life will not be hindered. Failure to properly respond to your wife will hinder or throw obstacles in the way of our prayers. The word for hinder here is a military term meaning to cut up the road impeding normal movement, to throw obstacles in the way. There's a couple ways of interpreting this. It could mean that it puts obstacles in the way of our prayer life which one of the alternate translations suggests by using a word meaning to cut off prayers. When we are not living with our wife in love, understanding and honor then we stop praying. To be out of fellowship with our wives hinders our relationship with God as well. It could also mean to puts an obstacle in the way of the answers to the prayers that we do make. It may even be seen as obstructing the prayers of both husband and wife. Failure to respond properly to our wives keeps both of them from praying or blocks answers to their prayers.
In any case, this is a very serious consequence. It either prevents the answers to prayer or prevents us from praying altogether. James is clear that sometimes we don’t have because we don’t ask. Men, I suggest that you take some time to really evaluate your relationship with your wife. I suggest that you look for some practical ways to practice what God has prescribed.
Evaluate your role as loving leader or spiritual head to the family. If you don't know how, find out! There are ample resources available. Look for some practical ways to demonstrate love to your wife. One of the marriage books suggests that wives are the best resource for finding out the state of the marriage. Many of us don't have the courage to ask her.
Peter concludes this section with a great summary for how relationships should be functioning both in marriage and in the church.
Today I apply these verses to marriage relationships.
To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. For, "THE ONE WHO DESIRES LIFE, TO LOVE AND SEE GOOD DAYS, MUST KEEP HIS TONGUE FROM EVIL AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING DECEIT. HE MUST TURN AWAY FROM EVIL AND DO GOOD; HE MUST SEEK PEACE AND PURSUE IT. FOR THE EYES OF THE Lord ARE TOWARD THE RIGHTEOUS, AND HIS EARS ATTEND TO THEIR PRAYER, BUT THE FACE OF THE Lord IS AGAINST THOSE WHO DO EVIL." 1 Peter 3:7-12
These are instructions for both husband and wife. Harmony, sympathy, friendship, kindness, humility; these are the building blocks for a great relationship. Be careful to avoid insults or negative things but do everything possible to bless each other. Anybody who wants to experience a great marriage needs to watch their time and focus on doing good rather than evil to each other and not only desire peace but pursue it in the relationship. These are the marriages that God longs to bless. These are the marriages that experience a greater degree of answered prayer. You can be sure that God is not inclined to bless the marriage that violates these principles.
Two weeks from today we will spend some time on the key passage concerning marriage introduced in Genesis repeated in the Gospels by Jesus and repeated again by Paul here in Ephesians.
As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. Ephesians 5:31-32
Here, Paul addresses the mystery of oneness illustrated by marriage fulfilled in Christ.
We will try to unravel some of that mystery.
