Have you ever dreamed of having the perfect spouse? By perfect I don’t mean having movie star good looks. That would be nice, but those looks don't last all that long. And there are other things much more important. I mean, to have a spouse who deeply cares for you, is devoted to you, who is really on your side, who really, really loves you. And I don’t think we want a doormat, somebody who will just always agree with you or give in to you. A perfect spouse ought to be a bit of a challenge to you, so that together you bring out the best in each other. Have you ever dreamed of having a perfect spouse? What would it be worth to you to have a spouse like that? How much money? How much effort on your part? How much work would you do to get a spouse like that?
I think it is God's will for everyone to be aiming for a perfect spouse. Our text for this morning is Paul's instructions to husbands for getting a perfect wife. But the same instructions apply for wives to get perfect husbands, and can be useful for parents to have perfect children and anyone to have perfect neighbors.
This morning we will continue looking at the instructions to husbands and wives given by the Apostle Paul in his letter to the Ephesians. Last week we looked at his advice for making decisions together. Many people think Paul was talking about men just running everything, and a lot of women cringe inside when they hear Paul's words and remember times when they were mistreated. But if you read and digest the whole passage you will see that Paul had something much more profound in mind than that. But that was last week’s sermon and if you weren’t here, I invite you to get a printed copy from the display in the narthex.
So how do you get a perfect spouse? I haven’t yet found a catalog that has them for sale. And if I ever did find a perfect potential spouse available on the market, they probably wouldn't put up with me. Paul tells us that the way to get a perfect spouse is to love the one you have.
Now hear the words of the Apostle Paul from Ephesians 5:25-33. The passage is printed in your bulletin so that you can have it open in front of you if you like.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind-- yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, because we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church. Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.”
How are husbands supposed to get perfect wives? Four times Paul repeats it, husbands love your wives. And I think the same word goes to wives for their husbands.
And I think we'd better take a moment to talk about love here. What is love? In our movies and TV shows we often talk about love as sexual attraction. We might say we love someone when we mean that they arouse pleasant romantic feelings inside of us. Is marriage a matter of finding someone to sexually please you? That's an important part of it, but if we haven't learned to go beyond "what is pleasing to me" we aren't ready for marriage. Sometimes you hear someone talking about an ex-spouse in terms like, she just didn't meet my needs, or he just didn't make me happy. But a marriage focused on what I can get isn't going to last through the times of testing at all.
Sometimes people see marriage as a partnership. Once I was talking to one of the groomsmen before a wedding. He told me that out of his group of 6 friends, who had been married in recent years, three were already divorced. But he said that he and his wife were doing well. They had paid off their car payments. They had a good start on paying off their home. And their credit card balances weren't too bad. But is that the measure of a good marriage? An economic partnership? Marriage is an excellent economic unit. I hurt for people trying to make it as single parents. But marriage needs to be much more than an economic partnership.
Paul bases marriage on love. And the word that he uses for love here is a strong word. It doesn't mean loving something for what you get out of it, but just plain choosing to love them, whether it pays off for you today, or not. A choice, not a feeling.
Its the word used for the way that Christ loved us. Love in marriage is modeled after the way God loves us. When God first started loving you, did you give him much back? When Jesus started working with his disciples, were they good for much? No, they were bigoted. They were always arguing over which one was better than the others. They really let him down when he was arrested and subjected to a crooked trial and tortured to death. But he just plain chose to love us anyway. And one disciple, Judas, refused to accept it, but for the 11 his love triumphed in the end. They were changed.
And if we will let it sink in how much he loves us, then what does that love do? It gives us a security so we don't have to panic if we make a mistake. It gives us a model for how we can respond back to him and how we can treat others. His love helps us believe that we are significant, important, that we are worth investing in, that we can make a difference, that there is hope for our future. And everyone needs hope. Where would you be today if your mother had never loved you? Love is what makes us whole and strong and healthy inside.
There are all sorts of ways you can try to force or manipulate or pressure your spouse to do something you want. But what do we all do when someone pushes us? We tighten up, we push back, we resists. Only love can open a heart, soften it, and melt it.
Paul doesn't give us any simple formula for making marriages work. Husbands, you have to bring home flowers a certain number of times each year, wives, you need to wear a certain perfume. Corporate America is always trying to sell us bottled approaches to love. If you really care it has to be Hallmark card. But Paul gives us a model of a great lover rather than rules to follow. He says for us to love one another like Christ loved us. That means to forgive when our spouses fail us. It means to keep expressing our love again and again in words and in actions, to do those thoughtful little things that communicate so much.
When the phone rings I know how easy it is to just stay comfortable in the chair and let my wife answer it. I don't really have to get that little card or present. I don't have to say that word of appreciation. They can be easily overlooked. But its not love if we settle for the least we can do. We haven't learned how to love until we are read to serve.
And love doesn't always mean doing the nice, positive things. Sometimes love means saying the hard things that need to be worked on. How many times has Jesus reminded you of something you need to get changed? But he always does it with love. You know he's always on your side when he says it.
Husbands, how can you get a perfect wife? Take the wife you have, and love her the way that Jesus loves us. Jesus loves us with the goal that we will not have a single spot or wrinkle, so that we will be absolutely splendid. He calls us to make the choices that will make our spouses beautiful.
There was once a couple who were sure their marriage was finished. They got an attorney to start drawing up the divorce papers. Then, as an afterthought, they figured they probably ought to go see the pastor, too, so they made an appointment with their pastor. When they came into his study, they were all tense and awkward. They sat as far away from each other as they could. They had scowls on their faces as they told the pastor what had been happening.
And let me say, couples if your marriage is struggling, please don’t wait this long before asking for help. You know the saying, “A stitch in time saves nine.” It’s much better to get help before the problems get out of control.
Well, they told the pastor all about their problems and he listened sympathetically. When they were done, they said, “So you can see, it’s hopeless, we just have to get a divorce.”
But he told them to try something first. He said, “The Bible tells husbands and wives to love each other. Why don’t you go back home and really make an effort to love each other this week, as husbands and wives ought to do? Find ways to do nice things for each other.”
“Oh, we couldn’t do that,” they said, ”We really don’t feel like husband and wife anymore. In fact we’ve been sleeping in different rooms for some time. It would seem dishonest now to pretend that we were something we are not.”
“That’s OK,” said the pastor. “The Bible also says to love your neighbor, so, since you are living as neighbors, I want you to really work on loving each other as neighbors for one week.”
But they couldn’t imagine even loving each other as neighbors. “I guess we haven’t told you everything yet. Sometimes we hate each other. It’s like we’ve become enemies. It wouldn’t be honest to pretend we were friendly neighbors.”
“That’s OK,” said the pastor. “The Bible also says to love your enemies. So since you are enemies, just accept that. But I want you to go home and look for every opportunity to do something nice for each other. And if you still feel like enemies, that’s OK, just do the loving things.”
They thought that was pretty dumb, but they agreed to try. They went back home. She baked him his favorite cookies one evening. He brought her flowers. They both bit their tongues and held back the insults and complaints.
The week passed and they came back for their follow-up appointment with the pastor. They came in with much more relaxed expressions on their faces. They sat side by side. “We’ve canceled the divorce proceedings,” they said. “You know, when we both worked at doing the loving thing, everything was different.”
Husbands and wives, do you want to have a perfect spouse? Take the husband you have, or the wife you have, and just love them just like Christ loves you. AMEN
