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Message
Ephesians 5:21-33
No More Manipulation, Guilt-Tripping and Fear-Mongering
In 2 Timothy 3:16-17 we are told what God wants to achieve through the Scriptures.
16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
Through the book we are taught what is holy living and what is sin. Through the book we are rebuked when our lives do not conform to the will of God. Through the book we are corrected and put onto the path of behaviour for our daily Christian life. Through the book we are trained to apply the Word of God so that we have a greater ability to walk in the ways of God and do what is pleasing to Him.
That is what Scripture, when properly applied, does. You know what Scripture properly applied does not do …
… it doesn’t manipulate – it tells us the truth of our situation – but it doesn’t manipulate.
… it doesn’t use guilt-trips – it does tell us we are guilty – but for the purposes of us to understand the grace of God.
… it doesn’t resort to a fear campaign – of course we should fear God and stand in awe of Him – but with the purpose of coming to him in confession and repentance.
That is a very quick summary of the results of Scripture being properly … and not being properly … applied.
Now I want us to turn to Ephesians 5:21-33 and read this section
What we have before us is a passage that, too often, has been used to manipulate, guilt-trip and cause fear.
Let’s consider these verses from the perspective of women.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands.
The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.
Wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
In this context the word “submit” means:- To voluntarily arrange under.
Sadly, too often, the improper application of these verses has led to very ungodly outcomes.
A wife who is just a servant.
A woman who just has to put up with the whim of her husband.
A complete loss of identity.
A justification to put up with and accept emotional or physical abuse.
That is what happens when these verses are manipulated, and guilt-tripped and fear driven.
What about from the perspective of men.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.
We live in a world that has some pretty set views on how men should “love their wives”.
More and more there are men who say, how can I lead my wife in such a way that I expect her to submit. I don’t have the capacity. I am not up to the task. I don’t want that responsibility. I can’t show love the way I am expected to show love.
Indeed our world increasingly gives the impression that the love of men is so unimportant that sometimes no man in the family is better than a man in the family. Men don’t know how to love like woman know how to love – so get out of the way.
That is what happens when these verses are manipulated, and guilt-tripped and fear driven. But that is not what God wanted. These verses are here to teach, rebuke, correct and train in righteousness so we all may be equipped.
So let’s go back to the text again. We start with pointing out some grammatical observations … Greek grammar – you have to love it.
Grammatically the call for husbands to “love” their wives is in the Greek form which is an imperative … the form used to express a command.
Grammatically the call for wives to “submit” is not an imperative. The grammar of the word expresses “a continued action that I will voluntarily do.”
The only command here … indeed the only command in Ephesians 5:21-33 is “love your wives”.
No husband has been given the authority to say, “the Bible commands that you must submit” … because the Bible never makes such a command. To be perfectly frank if, as a husband, you need to resort to saying, “You must submit!” … at that point you haven’t understood what it means to “love your wives as Christ loved the church”.
Have a closer look at verse 24.
Now as the church submits to Christ,
so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Grammatically it is a parallel statement. See how the church submits to Christ. Wives that is the paradigm you use.
How does Christ treat his church … his bride?
Jesus gave himself up for the church … so that the church may be holy and blameless.
Ephesians 5:25, 28
Jesus’ relationship with the church is one of invitation, sacrifice, and commitment. We come into that relationship voluntarily … submitting ourselves to Christ because of the invitation, sacrifice and commitment.
It isn’t forced.
It isn’t demanded.
It isn’t even commanded.
By grace through faith.
Coming because we are weary and burdened.
Whoever believes.
One day every knee will bow. But that is only on the day of judgement when too many people will realise far too late that they have been bowing the knee to the wrong “god”. Until that day “the Lord is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance” (1 Peter 3:9).
Submission is the calling. We need to break the thoughts that the world tries to impose on relationships and how they should work and trust God’s plan. Recognising that being in submission is not a place of inferiority, or unequalness, or weakness. Even Jesus submitted.
When he has done this, then the Son himself will be made subject (we be in submission) to him who put everything under him, so that God may be all in all.
1 Corinthians 15:28
Just like it is possible … indeed it happens all the time … just like it is possible for the church to voluntarily place themselves in submission to Christ … according to God’s plan … it is very possible for a wife to voluntarily place themselves in submission to their husband’s … according to God’s plan.
To make it possible we need to understand another aspect of the plan. It is the part of the plan that recognises that God will equip husbands to be the men of God that he calls them to be.
Which brings us back to the only command in these verses.
“Love your wife as Christ loved the church.”
If only this command was different. Wouldn’t it be more helpful for men and husbands if Scripture said, “Here is what you need to do.”
This is what you need to fix … or change … or build.
This is how you need to work.
These are the actions you need to take.
Men prefer specifics. And if we are honest about it the command to “love our wives” is a command which is not always specific.
Does that mean I need to
… talk about my feelings?
… and express my emotions?
… and make myself vulnerable?
Love does mean those things. But the context is where we look for some specifics.
Let’s go back to verse 25.
Husbands, love your wives,
just as Christ loved the church
Here is another parallel. And Paul keeps writing to give some specific definitions on what this love looks like.
Love is defined in Ephesians 5:26
Make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word
Washing with water and the word is the imagery of Jesus making a claim on us. In baptism we dedicate ourselves to Jesus – but through baptism Jesus makes promises. I will never let you go. I will be fully devoted to you. Jesus does that despite what the church can be like at times. The church doesn’t always look its best or give its best. The church can actually be a difficult place where we can be quite cantankerous and divisive – you just need to read 1 Corinthians, and Revelation 2 and 3 to see that. If we are honest there are many times when Jesus should have said to the church, “What is the use, I give up”.
Love as Christ loved the church
It is not about power and authority – but responsibility.
You love regardless of your wife’s behaviour, or health condition, or appearance. You commit no matter what deterrents and difficulties come up. You deny yourself of time, and resources and self-gratification.
Seeking the strength of Christ to never give up.
Love defined in Ephesians 5:27
To present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Here we have the imagery of Jesus taking spiritual responsibility for the church. Jesus makes sure the church is radiant and glorious. That she is shining in all her strength and beauty. Jesus brings out the best … no stains or wrinkles or other blemishes that prevent her from being unpresentable as a sacrifice. A holy and blameless people who are secure in the knowledge that they are a part of the kingdom.
Love as Christ loved the Church.
Not power and authority – but taking responsibility.
God gives you … men … spiritual responsibility … for your family.
God expects you … men … to lead those in your care on a spiritual journey.
God expects you … men … to be active in helping people build a relationship with God.
That is what the “headship principle” primarily call you to.
Love as Christ loved the church.
Take responsibility.
That is something men and husband can do. That is what we can put on a list and work towards.
God’s plan for marriage can work.
So let’s bring what we have learnt so far together. There are two parallels here.
As the church submits to Christ, so wives submit to their husbands
Just as Christ loved the church, so husbands love your wives.
This is God’s plan for marriage that … when it is followed … will lead to strong marriages and unbroken relationships.
Which sounds like a huge claim but stay with me.
For it to be unbroken key component of the plan has to be followed. Let’s see the key component.
Women look to Christ and how the church submits to Christ … then submit to your husband.
Husbands look to how Christ loved the church … then love your wife.
The key component is both husband and wife always start by looking to Christ. Look to Christ first, then build your marriage.
That is the plan.
The moment we stop looking to Christ first it is then that marriages start to get into difficulty.
It could be that we are looking to ourselves first.
I want to hang out with my mates. I have my job and it is important. I need my “me” time. I am not happy. I am not fulfilled. I am tired of giving. What about me … it isn’t fair.
Looking to ourselves first is not the plan – it reverses the plan.
We need to look first to Christ. So we can submit and we can love.
It could be that we are looking to other wives and husbands first.
Look at the way Roger treats his wife … Steve never gives me flowers.
Barbara always has her house clean … Rebecca never gets anything done.
We look at the life of others and compare and contrast – completely neglecting the fact that maybe Roger had to give flowers because his wife always made him feel like he is never good enough, or that Barbara always has a clean house because her husband is a control freak.
Looking to others first is not the plan – it reverses the plan.
We need to look first to Christ. So we can submit and we can love.
Maybe we are looking to our own wives and husbands first. Which sounds like a good thing … except when it is not.
If we expect our wives or husbands to fulfil all our needs, and all our expectations, and carry all our emotional baggage.
If we look to our wives and husbands for status, and identity, and confirmation, and value.
If we do that as a first move … well they can’t meet these expectations. No one can.
Looking to our spouses first is not the plan – it reverses the plan.
We need to look first to Christ. So we can submit and we can love.
Why do relationships break?
That is a topic for another time but the short answer is that somewhere, at some point, one or both of the spouses has persistently NOT looked to Christ first. They have persistently looked somewhere else first.
So if today, your marriage is struggling, here is the best question to ask.
Where abouts in our relationship am I … are we … persistently not looking to Christ first?
Start the conversation, and the change, there
Today let’s be encouraged by the Word of God.
The brokenness that we continue to see when it comes to marriages
… and even the brokenness that we have personally experienced
… does not stop the plan of God from being the true plan which will result in strong marriage relationships.
Look first to Christ.
Who will teach, rebuke, correct and train in righteousness so we can be equipped.
No More Manipulation, Guilt-tripping and Fear-Mongering
Prayer
