The item I want to encourage you to add to your bucket list this morning can be a real tough one for people. In fact, I’ll bet there are some here today who would rather include bungee jumping, sky diving, and swimming with sharks and alligators on their list ahead of this item. But it’s really important. It’s the kind of thing that people often refer to on their deathbed. I want to make sure I approach that time without regrets, but personally, I want this for my everyday living too! It’s “Get Right With Someone.” In other words, fix a damaged relationship while there’s still time.
In just 3 days, people all over will have spent billions of dollars in the name of relationships – for Valentine’s Day. Whether you make a big deal of it or fight it with everything you have, do you realize that Christianity is all about relationships?
• The whole Bible is really the story of the rending and mending of a relationship. God created man. Man separated himself from God. The story of human history is the story of God getting man back into relationship with Him.
• Once man sinned, it altered our relationship with one another. The relationship between husbands and wives was affected, and we all have a fallen quality about us that affects the way all of us relate to each other. We’re waiting for God to finish us so that we can be in an unhindered relationship with one another.
• Our family relationships, and the terms that we use to describe them, are how God describes His relationship to Jesus and to us, and it’s how He describes the relationship of Jesus to the Church.
• Your hope of heaven – your salvation – depends on your relationship with Jesus. You’re saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ – not by works! Jesus said, “No man comes to the Father, except through ME.” You don’t have a right relationship with God unless you have a relationship with Jesus! If you’re saved today, it’s because you have a relationship with the One Who gave His life in your place because He loved you.
• Once you’re saved, your relationship with others shows the world that you belong to Jesus!
John says in I Jn 4:20 that you can’t claim to be in a right relationship with God and have a relationship of hate with your brother. Anyone who says, “I love God” – “I have a right relationship with God” – but who hates his brother, is a liar.
• When you invite someone “to church,” when you say to your neighbors, “Hey, I’d love for you to come to one of our worship hours on Sunday morning,” it’s on the basis of your relationship with them that you’re inviting them to a relationship – to be your brother or sister in Christ, and to be in a right relationship with God.
Christianity is all about relationships.
Audience participation – a test. I’ll read a list of names, you blurt out the answer if you have it. What do the following people have in common?: Adam LoDolce, Hayley Quinn, Emily Hartridge, Wendy Walsh, April Masini, Stephan Labossiere, Andrea Syrtash, Neil Clark Warren, Kimberly Moffit, Jane Greer…
A: These people are all labeled, either self-proclaimed or by others, as “relationship experts.”
They make their living by being experts at human relationships. And the only reason they can be in business is because there’s a market for it. People want real help when it comes to relationships.
Put that together with the fact that Christianity is all about relationships, and you’d think that the Church would be considered the center for “relationship experts.” But, too often, there’s no difference between people inside the church and the people who are looking in from the outside and wondering, “Why should I bother being a Christ follower if really you’re no different?”
Still, Paul says,
Romans 12:5 …so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
Church, we Christians ought to be the “quintessential relationship experts” because everything we claim to have in Jesus is based on relationships – God’s love for us, and our ability to love God and to love others.
But too often, we get derailed in this. Too many of us are nursing a grudge, won’t apologize, are choosing not to forget. We look normal, and live like things are fine, and then, someone mentions a name. Blood pressure rises. Nostrils flare. Conversation gets awkward. Ever been there?
You need to get right with someone!
There are a lot of variables at play here. So, I want to take a look at 4 very common relationship destroyers along with some ways to turn them around. You’ll have to figure out which of these applies to your situation. Then, I want all of us to leave with a plan to get right with someone with whom we haven’t been right for a while.
Here we go…
Relationship Destroyer #1: Selfishness
I’m a grandpa of twins. Have I ever mentioned that? And it is fun to see how twins often have a special kind of attachment to each other that other siblings don’t have. But even twins, at age 18 months, have a tendency to be selfish at times. Addi recently how she could reach over to Aaron’s highchair and drag it over close to her…so she could steal his Cheerios!
Jacob and Esau were twins who weren’t alike at all – except they were both selfish. One day, Esau came in from hunting, famished. Jacob had just fixed a nice pot of Middle Eastern chili. (Well, something like that. You can check it in Gen. 25). A less selfish person would have just fed his brother. Not Jacob – he charged Esau his birthright as the 1st-born – although, he did throw in some bread!
Later, Jacob even agreed to steal his father’s blessing that belonged to Esau, and the next thing you know, these brothers, these twins, had destroyed their relationship. See what it says in…
Genesis 27:41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, "The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob."
Somewhere, at the root of almost all relationship problems, is selfishness. Look at every marriage that fails, every friendship that capsizes, every working relationship that never went well, and you’ll find selfishness on at least one person’s part.
James 4:1-2 What causes fights and quarrels? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don’t get it.
That’s too true. If you’re selfish, you don’t get it. “What’s wrong with selfishness?” you ask. After all, it seems to be working OK for most people! Here’s the problem with it: It’s not about you. The world doesn’t revolve around you. If you’re looking at your life and there’s a trail of destroyed relationships around it, it may well be because your world revolves around YOU. But, there’s a way to change that:
To get it right, try Selflessness
Philippians 2:4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Paul also tells us,
Galatians 5:16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Our flesh is self-serving. Left on its own, it takes care of its desires and impulses: “Feed me. Excite me. Cool me. Warm me. Give me pleasure.” Of course, that’s the level on which animals live, and that’s the level on which babies live. But God has called us to be driven by something higher than our own inner impulses. We’re instructed to make our choices based on what God tells us to be and what others need.
Galatians 5:16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
If you struggle with this, here’s a suggestion: get around someone who’s unselfish. Spend some time around a person who’s genuinely selfless, and see how difficult it is to be so caught up in yourself all the time. And if you’re wondering if it’s worth it, give selflessness a try and watch what it does to your relationships. It will help you get right with someone when you finally start caring about him or her and stop placing yourself first.
Relationship Destroyer #2: Pride
In 1813, Jane Austen published her story Pride and Prejudice. It’s about the relationship of Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy. They come from widely different backgrounds, but both are stubborn and proud in a way that prevents them from drawing close to each other. It’s only after they drop their pride that they begin to appreciate each other. It’s a good thing, too, or it wouldn’t have been made into a chick flick!
Proverbs 13:10 Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.
Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
On more than one occasion, Jesus had to deal with pride among His 12 closest followers. James and John got together with their mom and asked Jesus if they could have special seats next to Jesus in heaven. Kind of presumptuous, don’t you think, to expect Jesus to give you the 2 highest seats in heaven? So, is it any surprise that we then read,
Mark 10:41 When the ten heard about this, they became indignant with James and John.
Translation: “Hey, I’m in the running for one of those seats. Get in line, Bucko!” Resentment like that in a relationship often shows up because there’s pride, on both sides.
Mark 9:33-34
They came to Capernaum. When he was in the house, he asked them, "What were you arguing about on the road?" But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.
Last Supper. Jesus will be tried and crucified soon.
Luke 22:24 Also a dispute arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest.
Our word “Ego” is the Greek word for “I.” Pride is when a person puts “I” ahead of everyone else. There are a lot of people whose “I” trouble is damaging their relationships. So, the fix for that should be obvious:
To get it right, try Humility
1 Peter 3:8
Live in harmony, be sympathetic, love each other, have compassion, and be humble.
If you’re worried that letting go of your pride will make you into some powerless, insignificant person, look again at how Jesus dealt with it.
The disciples are arguing about greatness, so Jesus stands a little child in front of them and tells them that unless they humble themselves and become like a little child, they can’t enter heaven! They’re arguing again later, so Jesus assumes the lowest position by washing everyone else’s feet.
Humility isn’t being weak. It’s being strong enough to see ourselves the way God sees us. Put it into practice, and see what it does to your relationships. Most importantly, understand that it’s the first step to being in a right relationship with God. Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up in due season. And if there’s someone with whom you need to get right, start by putting on humility.
Relationship Destroyer #3: Insecurity
Insecurity is tougher to identify. It shows itself in different ways, and many people who are on the receiving end of it misunderstand what’s going on.
The first example of it happened after the first sin. Adam and Eve had been secure in their relationship with God. It was secure because everyone was perfect. God was perfect, and Adam and Eve were without sin. They had perfect fellowship. But add temptation, deception, and disobedience, and the perfect relationship becomes something else. Adam and Eve hide themselves. The God Who previously had perfect relationship with man now comes looking for them. And all Adam can say is,
Genesis 3:10
I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.
Make a note of what happened: man became insecure, so he ran from the relationship.
Isn’t that true of what happens in our relationships with each other? We let someone down, so we just assume they’ll be angry and we avoid them. We get burned by someone, so we assume about everyone else that they’re going to do the same. Relationships hurt, so we run from them. Over time, we begin to believe that we really can’t trust anyone, or that it’s not worth the effort because we’ve been let down so many times. What puts an end to this cycle?
To get it right, try Love
1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
You’re an insecure person. Someone has let you down or hurt you. Someone left you, took advantage of you, deceived you. Let me tell you something: it’s going to happen again.
Unless you go live in the desert and don’t take a cell phone with you, somewhere, somehow, someone is going to let you down again or hurt you again. If you’re waiting for some point in life where people aren’t going to disappoint you, you’re never going to have that security.
But if you’ll accept God’s love – if you’ll accept that He’ll love you no matter what you’ve done, and if you’ll determine to love others no matter what they do, it takes away fear. When that kind of love is what you’re living, your fear of not being loved loses its grip on you. It frees you to have good relationships. That’s the answer to insecurity. You can’t change everyone else, but you can choose to love them in spite of the way they let you down.
Think of the power of saying to someone, “You let me down, and it really hurt. It didn’t make sense to me at all. But I love God, and I can control what I do. I choose to love you. I choose to forgive you. I choose act toward you the way God has acted toward me.”
Relationship Destroyer #4: Resentment
Heb 12:15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
Now, why would God tell us to not hold a grudge? Why this flat out command to not let a bitter root grow up in the midst of His people? Because it destroys relationships!
I could point to several stories from the Bible that show us that…
Cain and Abel – Cain had a grudge against his brother. It hurt their relationship. Cain killed him.
1 John 3:12
Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother's were righteous.
Jacob and Esau – remember, Jacob wronged his twin brother.
Genesis 27:41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, "The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob."
Joseph and his brothers – they had been resentful toward their brother – to the point where they sold him as a slave. Now, the tables were turned. It hindered their relationship.
Genesis 50:15 When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?"
When I point out that resentment destroys relationships, I’m speaking to every person who has some resentment toward any other person in this church family. I’m speaking to people who are carrying their hurt around like a ball and chain. Listen: it destroys relationships. It hinders the witness of God’s people. It hinders the growth of this church. When I work at getting to know someone here better, I shouldn’t have to worry about who’s going to get mad at me for befriending a person who upset them. When you walk down these halls, you shouldn’t feel a chill in the air or see a back turned on you. Those are the symptoms of resentment, and that resentment destroys relationships. See to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble. What are we to do? The answer that Jesus gave us is forgiveness.
To get it right, try Forgiveness
Did you ever wonder where Jesus got the 2nd greatest of all the commandments?
Leviticus 19:18
Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.
Right after saying not to hold a grudge – love your neighbor as yourself.
God takes forgiveness seriously.
Matthew 6:14-15 …if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Do we believe it? Forgiveness means I give up my right to bring something up later.
Ill – I’m hoping that I’ll spend eternity with a certain former SS teacher from Hillsboro, OH. For a few years, he’d been teaching a SS class and was having great success. He endeared himself to a lot of people. When the class grew to over 100 in size, they split off from the church and started their own church in town. It wasn’t a happy exodus. It was an underhanded move that cut at the very heart of that congregation. 95 people left the church in one week. The same group of people began to spread vicious rumors about the church and about me in the community. It hurt a lot of people. I spoke with the teacher, along with the whole eldership, and there was no changing his attitude. Being the minister of a church when that happened, I was pretty angry. You might say, I held some resentment toward that SS teacher! But forgiveness isn’t an option. And when it comes to that kind of resentment, I finally had to realize something: either I hope that I’ll be in heaven forever and that brother in Christ will be there too - with me - or I’m wishing that he would go to hell – where Jesus said I will spend eternity if I refuse to forgive my brother! So, I had to come to grips with it. I had to let go of the ball and chain called resentment and start hoping for that brother to be in a right standing with God too. I prayed for him. I even got to the place where I could pray for his well-being.
Do some honest self-examination right now. Over whom do you hold a grudge? Who have you not forgiven? Can you honestly say you hope that person will be with you in heaven forever? If not, what do you want for that person’s eternity? Kind of puts your resentment in a new light, doesn’t it? If you want to get rid of resentment – forgiveness.
