THE HURTING FATHER WHO CONTINUES TO BELIEVE IN GOD AND FINDS REST IN HIM
Having good memories of your father is a great blessing. Many times at family gatherings, the conversation with my father turned in the direction of: “Remember Dad, the time when we ...”, and then there was a good laugh about it. Like the time when we as preschool children dug such deep holes around our father's combi on the beach, that a tractor had to come and tow the combi out.
On Father's Day, a large part of the world makes time to pay tribute to fathers - to acknowledge the great role they play in their families' lives. I read on a site that a father “...makes all the difference in a child’s life. He’s a pillar of strength, support and discipline. His work is endless and, oftentimes, thankless. But in the end, it shows in the sound, well-adjusted children he raises.” (https://successresources.com/12-qualities-great-fathers-have)
This assumes that good fathers always have loving, well-adjusted children, and bad fathers have children who are rebellious and unloving, who lost their way because of the bad fathers they have had. And that's to simplify things over. Because there are also many fathers who have tried their best to be the best father possible, whose children then break their hearts because they loose the plot - and then justify themselves by blaming their fathers. I'm one of those dads who can join the conversation, as I am in the same boat...
To these hurting dads who often suffer in silence, I want to bring a message of encouragement today.
1. THE HURTING FATHERS...
Hurting dads have been with us from the beginning since Adam became the first dad.
• Adam with Cain (Genesis 4:8)
• Noah with Ham (Genesis 9:20-25)
• Isaac with Jacob (Genesis 27:20-30)
• Eli with Hophni and Phinehas (1 Samuel 2:12)
• David with Absalom (2 Samuel 15:10)
There will always be children who loose the plot and hurt their parents, who rebel, who humiliate, reject, write off, rob their parents, who take everything like a leech without giving anything back, yes, who even literally kill their parents...
There are many reasons for this:
• Wrong friends
• Alcohol and drugs
• Marrying the wrong partner
• Psychological disorders
• Reaction formation
These children often come from good, Christian parents' homes with excellent education, with loving parents who often sell themselves short and bend over backwards to give their children only the best... and then these children still come and turn their backs on their parents - like the parable of the lost son...
Then the fathers comes to me and asks:
• What did I do wrong?
• I tried so hard to give my child a good, Christian education
• I gave my child everything he/she needed
• I was there for my child
• I love my child
And yet relationships break down, my child rejects me, writes me off ... why?
These are questions I often ask myself too ...
But we as fathers are not always innocent.
We
• Make mistakes
• Do not always have the knowledge and experience and the equipment to raise children properly
• Acted to the best of our ability with the knowledge at our disposal at that time in our lives
• Often sit with all the baggage of how we grew up as children with our father as the only example
Many times these mistakes and shortcomings happened during the time we as fathers worked hard to take care of our families and then the family was neglected in the process - we were not there for them when they needed us.
However, this does not make us as fathers hurt less. We wrestle with the Lord about it - especially if you have believing children who act like this: Why does one child loose his/her way, and the other children in the family not? Why don’t they want to talk things out and forgive? We do not always understand this ...
Unfortunately, of course, there are also fathers who reject their children because they are not up to their standards, because they do not meet the father's expectations and aspirations ... children who get hurt terribly and live for the rest of their lives with these wounds. ..
As believing fathers, we, together with David, struggle with this in:
Psalm 6:6-7 “I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.”
and
Psalm 4:1 “Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.”
We pray, we wrestle with God, but do not always get answers. We go on living with the hurt and rejection ...
2. THE HURTING FATHERS WHO KEEP BELIEVING AND HOPING ...
What makes hurting dads keep believing and hoping that:
• Relationships will recover?
• Healing will take place?
• That you will be able to start a new relationship with your child?
Why does a hurting father keep hoping and believing, despite a child who wants nothing to do with you, who has blocked all communication with you, who makes you suspect and bad-mouths you among family and mutual friends?
One reason only. Believing hurting dads:
• Continue to believe in God and His promises in His Word
• Keep trusting in the power of the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives (and our children's lives)
We believe in the covenant, that God has committed Himself to the salvation and sanctification of our baptized children - because Jesus gives them eternal life, and they will never be lost in all eternity. No one will snatch them out of His hand. (John 10:28). We also know that His grace is enough for them no matter where they find themselves on the path of life (2 Corinthians 12:9).
And we believe in miracles - for us as humans it is impossible, but for God everything is possible, says Jesus in Matthew 19:26.
We believe that He makes everything new (Revelations 21:5), even broken relationships - and we pray for that every day.
We believe that the Word of God that comes from His mouth will not return to Him empty, but will accomplish what He desires and achieve the purpose for which He sent it. (Isaiah 55:11).
God causes people to repent by the power of His Word and Spirit, for the Holy Spirit, who is the Spirit of truth, will guide them into all the truth and remind us of what Jesus taught (John 16:13) , namely that:
• We must love one another as God loved us to death (1 John 4:11)
• We must love even our enemies (Matthew. 5:44)
• We must do to others what we want done to ourselves (Matthew 7:12)
• We must respect all people (1 Peter 2:17)
• Blessed are the peacemakers (Matthew 5:9) - and if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18)
• We must forgive one another as God forgave us (Colossians 3:13)
• If we do not forgive, God will not forgive us either (Matthew 6:17)
• If someone has sinned against you, you who are innocent, should go and try to settle the matter (Matthew 18:15).
• We must leave the vengeance for God (Romans 12:19)
3. THE HURTING FATHERS WHO KEEP BELIEVING AND HOPING, AND FINDING REST IN GOD...
However, there is also the possibility that relationships will not recover in your lifetime, that your heart may be broken until the day of your death.
The writer of Hebrews expresses some of this in Hebrews 11 when he speaks of all the heroes of faith and all that has taken place in their lives by faith: “But in the end, he also tells of those who died without getting what they hoped for: Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us...” (Hebrews 11:39-40 The Message)
They persevered in faith to the end, because they knew that whatever happened in their lives here on earth, something better was waiting for them in the life hereafter - which made the suffering worthwhile.
The same goes for our relationship with our children hurting us. If we do not see them in this life again, we will at least see them in the life hereafter - because we trust that they are believing children - and in that we must rest.
This resignation is not a passive fatalism, it does not deprive us as fathers of the responsibility to do everything in our power to try and fix things, because that is what God expects of us.
But when we get to the point that there is nothing we can do anymore - it's then that we find resignation in God who has my life and my future in His Father's hand - and also that of my children and their future ...
I must confess, I do not always understand how everything works in God's plan, but I believe and trust that God is in control and that He is busy shaping us - that God who began a good work in us (and our children) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6).
Therefore, along with Habakkuk 3:17-18, we as hurting fathers will confess in faith:
“Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.”
For God promises in Romans 8:28 that in all things God works for good with those who love him - even though we do not know how and when - we can only trust God for that.
IN CLOSING
Today I want to encourage all the hurting fathers: Do not give up, do not lose hope. God knows our hearts. He knows our hurt, our longing, and even our times of anger and despair.
Believe in the father heart of God who says that He heals the broken-hearted, and bandages up their wounds (Ps 147:3) - also our hurt and wounds as hurting fathers, and those of our hurting children...
